


The Prince & The Wolf

by serendipitys



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BAMF!Phil, Highschool AU, M/M, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phan - Freeform, Plantboy!Phil, Punk Phil, badboy!Phil, pastel!dan, phanfic, punk!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 126,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6493087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitys/pseuds/serendipitys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let me tell you about the tale of how a boy who had flowers growing in his soul fell in love with a boy who had thorns trapping his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. once upon a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fairytales don’t exist. Or do they?
> 
> Dan Howell , so called ‘ Prince ‘ of his school , strongly believed that happy endings do exist in real life. Thus , he searches for his true love in hopes of achieving a ‘ happily ever after ‘. Yet in every tale— Antagonists exist , and that’s where Phil Lester comes in , or who they call the Wolf. Yet as their strings of fate tangle with one another , will a sudden plot twist unfold in their book?
> 
> Love , hate , angst and pain ensue. Dan and Phil continue to strive to find the true ending , but not without going through heartbreaks and heartaches. Will love ultimately triumph in this tale of mischief and agony , or will the Prince and Wolf remain as opponents– Just like how a protagonist and an antagonist should be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~This fic is currently being proofread. Please expect typos , I'm sorry lmao.~~ **EDITED SINCE 06/19/16:** This fic has been edited. (most) typos have been removed , yay!
> 
> ‘ The Prince & The Wolf ’ is written by Serendipitys / Shai. Masterlist can be found in their tumblr ‘ Llestering ’
> 
>  
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> **  
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> __  
> [Listen to the official playlist here](http://howellsphilly.tumblr.com/TPATWPL)  
>   
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> 
> This fic contains a lot of violence & mentions of depression , please be aware. Other than that , the triggers are stated before each chapter.
> 
> This is my first chaptered phanfic. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Happy Reading!

**_Once upon a time. . ._ **

There was a prince .  The prince was named Daniel . He was loved for his looks , cherished for his hasty personality . He was treated as if he was royalty for this . The prince , however , was quite peculiar . He loved anything that possessed a light , pastel color . He loved the night sky , the colors of the galaxy . He always went to school with pastel clothing , chocolate brown hair adorned with pretty pastel flower crowns . But these were mere antics that made everyone love him more . The prince lived a happy life .

Although , there was one thing the prince craved for .

_Love._

He wanted to find a princess , or perhaps another prince . He wanted to find _the one_  and live a   _happily ever after_  , just like every Fairytale .  He was a prince , was he not _?_ Every prince needed a fairytale . Every prince  _deserved_ a fairytale .

Thus , the prince spent his entire life finding for  _the one ._ He  _tried_ to learn to love other princesses and prince , but the butterflies were  _never_ present in his stomach . He never truly loved any of them but that was alright . Slowly and surely , the prince believed that he'll find  _the one ._ He's  _close_ to finding them ,  _right?_

But along with that , there was a Wolf .

The Wolf was named Philip . He was feared for his intimidating appearance , avoided for his icy cold glare . He was treated as if a real wolf . The Wolf's arms were adorned with a collection of tattoos . His lips , ears and nose were pierced . He loved music that possessed a deep meaning and ,  _weirdly ,_ loved plants and flowers. For this , he was  _feared ._ The Wolf didn't seem to enjoy his life .

The Wolf always started mischief , started trouble . He loved to fight and to hurt . He loved to break hearts for those who were foolish enough to fall for him. Needless to say , the prince  _hated_ the Wolf. The prince  _despised_ the Wolf.

But no matter where he went , the Wolf was sure to follow.

 

_And. . ._


	2. pretty pastel prince

**01.**

 

 **E** yelids fluttered open as a yawn escapes his lips . The sun was shining bright whilst the birds were chirping gleefully .

Daniel James Howell woke up rather lazily ,  _reluctantly_ even . Even if he was one of  _the_ most popular students in school , he wasn't eager to enter it . He hated the lessons they needed to learn , the tasks they were obliged to accomplish and the  _stupid_ haters he had . Well , it  _was_ inevitable anyway- Him getting haters , eventually  he learned how to ignore them. But  _still ._

But no matter how much he hated going there , he  _had_ to . No matter how much he complained to his parents they forced their darling son to go . '  _It's for your own good . '_ His mother would say matter-of-factly . She  _did_ have a point however . . . Much to the boy's dismay .

Brushing off those thoughts away , Dan proceeded to get off his bed and fix it . His duvet was a lovely shade of taffy pink , pillows baby blue . Most of his belongings were  _pastel ,_ courtesy to his parents and his love for it . They never understood why their son loved such things , every time they'd question him he'd always respond with ' _it's my aesthetic '_ or something like that . But it happened to make him happy , anyway-- Whatever floats Daniel's boat .

After taking a brisk shower , he immediately opened his closet . There were mostly a variety of pastel sweaters , varying from blue to yellow . A single finger tapped against his chin as he pondered , cinnamon colored eyes studying his clothes . He wondered what he should wear for the day . It didn't really matter since he'd look good in _anything ,_ but somehow this was a daily decision that mattered to him . He decided to go for the pink sweater , his favorite color ,  along with white pants . He brushed his hair , straightening his ' hobbit ' hair and adjusted his fringe after . He applied some cologne that made him smell of sweet candy , then of course grabbed a flower crown to put on his head . A  _prince_ needed a crown after all ,  _right?_

He didn't really have enough time to eat . Thus , he took a single toast and bid his parents goodbye .

* * *

 

Dan was instantly greeted by the students as he walked in. Being the friendly individual , the brunette smiled and greeted everyone else in return .  _This_ was the only motivation that kept him entering in this hellhole , the fans he had and the admiration he gets . Yet sometimes , the fame was a bit  _irritating_ and tiring. Sometimes his locker was filled with countless love notes , his privacy was something at risk , if he'd get himself in a bad situation his reputation would be fucked  _forever ._ Everyone knew Dan was the innocent , happy go lucky type of guy , truth be told that was a mere facade to make him  _likable ._ He actually swore a lot , had a few more unusual antics , disliked some of him fans , etc. Only his  _friends_ knew these things about him , actually .

He  _also_ dated quite a ton of students , whether it was a boy or a girl; Dan didn't care . He was bisexual , anyway . In those 2 years of  _desperately_ trying to find ' the one ' , he failed miserably . He didn't even  _like_ some of those people , especially those who dated him who only wished to . . . hook up with him . How  _dare_ they treat a prince this was? It was immoral .  _Disgusting ._ What was he even thinking when he agreed to date them _?_ For now , he was currently single but  _not_ ready to mingle .

The entire day was completely normal except for lunch . He was sitting with his friends PJ , Chris and Louise in their usual lunch table . Everything was going normal , the trio chatting whilst eating . Then , two girls suddenly approached their table , giggled bashfully as they smiled at the brunette.

" Um , " Dan mumbled , an eyebrow cocking upwards. " Can I help you? "

" W-Well . . . We . . . Uh , " Their eyes gestured to the gifts they were holding which Dan's gaze followed . They nervously handed out the small gifts after . " We j-just wanted to give this to you _!_ "

The poor girls seemed anxious which Dan didn't like to see . The reassure them , he smiled warmly at the duo and eagerly  _(_ but still puzzled  _)_ accepted their gifts . " Thanks , i guess . "

The two girls' frowns turned to a smile as they giggled , quickly returning to their seats after .

Dan's elated expression morphed into a confused one as he turned back to his friends. " What was  _that_ about ? "

" Haven't you checked what date it is today? " PJ laughed , bringing out his phone and pointing at the date. " February 14. It's Valentines , you idiot  _!_ "

Everything made sense after . The brunette merely said '  _ooooh '  ,_ the group then laughing at his mistake . Soon , even  _more_ girls came and handed him gifts. Hell ,  _boys_ did , too , but they seemed flustered as they did so . He had an entire  _pile_ of gifts which worried him.  _How the hell am I supposed to fit all of these in my bag?_

Much to his surprise , a hooded figure came . Well , his  _hoodie_ was up , covering his entire face . The hoodie had an  _ugly_ shade of green , Dan would say , it was like the murky color of a dirty swamp . That alone sent a shiver down his spine , it looked like this man was up to no good .  _But who would want to hurt me ?_

" Er. " Louise said to break the silence , and of course to help her friend out . Seems like Dan was lost for words now . " Can we help you , man _?_ Dan looks pretty uncomfortable with you here ,  _sorry ,_ but we gotta take care of our '  _prince '_. " She said , emphasizing the '  _prince '_ part to tease him. " So if you have absolute  _no_ business with us , we suggest you l- "

Before she could even finish her sentence , the hooded man shoved a  _large_ present in front of the brunette . He didn't even notice that  _that_ was with him . It was wrapped in a beautiful shade of pink wrapper , causing a '  _scrunch  '_ sound to emit as he shoved it . After that , he left without a word; leaving the group in absolute awe .

" The  _fuck_ was  _that_ about? " Chris scoffed . 

" No idea. " PJ added . " But that's  _one_ huge present , Danny . Hell , that's a hella  _lot_ of presents  _!_ Your charm's amazing , able to lure  _this_ many boys and girls  _!_ What's your secret?! Did you  _bewitch_ them all? "

" Bewitched them with my charm ,  _perhaps ._ " The brunette smirked proudly . They all laughed at his response . He  _knew_ he was a pretty boy and was proud of it , he sometimes bragged about it , too . But he'd do it in a manner that wouldn't let others down. " Though these all seem too much. You guys can have some of them if you want. "

PJ and Chris seemed reluctant , but Louise wasn't . She gladly too 2 lollipops , 1 small teddy bear and 3 candies that sat on the pile . The two boys shot her a look.

" What? " She snorted , opening the candy's packet . " He said I could take  _anything._ "

Daniel simply chuckles at Louise's actions , shoving her slightly . " Really , you guys can. I can't  _eat_ all of these , and if I do I'd end up with diabetes. "

PJ and Chris sighed but laughed it off after . The two boys each took a single lollipop and candy , that alone seemed to suffice.

" You gonna open that huge gift from the weirdo , Dan? " PJ questioned , pointing at the said gift. " Because if  _I_ were you, I wouldn't . That guy was shady. It could be an atomic bomb inside , maybe even  _tons_ of drugs . Could be something dangerous in disguise . "

" Or maybe a huge  _teddy_ bear . " Chris retorted , slapping his friend lightly. " Isn't it obvious , Peej? Look at the  _damn_ shape , dude _!_ It's obviously a teddy bear !" 

" Thanks for spoiling it for me , guys . " Dan joked , rolling his eyes at the duo. Chris was right , though . It's shape vaguely formed a huge teddy bear , but hey , who knows. " Seriously speaking , I think I'll just open this at home . It seems pretty. "

After that , the bell rung; signalling that lunch was over . Dan tried his very best to shove the remaining gifts in his bag then hopped off to his next class. It was the _worst_ class , actually . Knowing that none of his closest friends were there , and that he was seated next to the  _worst_ person on earth. Biology.

One of the reasons why he _hated_ going in this hellhole.

* * *

He entered his class earlier than the rest but not earlier than the loner .

_Philip Michael Lester._

The school's so called '  _wolf ' ._

As far as he knew , Phil didn't have any  _' friends '._ Though he  _did_ have a bunch of admirers , AKA  _idiots_ who thought that Phil was someone who'd take them seriously . They were mostly girls , almost  _no_ guys at all . He'd dated a  _bunch_ of them , made them think that their relationship was going to be stable , act like they really  _loved_ them; lied to them till they fell for him.  _Hard._ And in the end ,  _break_ their heart . It was devastating and saddening to see these girls sob after getting in a relationship-- No , relation _shit_ with this man. Couldn't they tell? Even after hearing such stories , some were  _still_ stupid enough to fall for him. He didn't get it , he really didn't . Other than that , Phil was an  _asshole._ He was extremely distant and cold , or maybe a huge  _dick._ Some even said he hooked up with those girls , gotten them pregnant but most of them aborted the child . Turns out this was a mere  _gossip,_ therefore false . Surprisingly , Phil  _was_ a virgin . 

" Oh , look who's here. " He chuckled , his northern accent thick. His voice was raspy due to excessive smoking . " It's the so called  _prince._ "

Dan tried his very best to ignore him and sat beside him.  _Why_ beside him? Well , despite biology being the  _shittiest_ subject this year--- It  _had_ to be worse. Phil was his lab partner.

" Aww , prince isn't even going to  _acknowledge_ the Wolf's presence. He took a seat right next to him with no doubt , no hesitation. " Mockery was hinted in his tone , his pale lips forming a sly smirk. Leaning in closer to him , his lips grazing his ear , he'd  _whisper;_ " Aren't you afraid of the big bad  _Wolf?_ "

Dan quickly shoved him away from him , his scent making him uneasy. No , it wasn't bad. He merely smelt like goddamn  _cigarettes_ which he hated.  " I suggest you stay away from me ,  _Lester._ " He snapped , shooting him an icy cold glare. " I do  _not_ wish to interact with you . You see , my day's been going pretty well today- Thus I do  _not_ wish to tolerate with your  _shitty_ existence and attitude.  So , if you  _please ,_ can you keep your  _pathetic_ little mouth  _shut?_ "

But Phil merely laughed at his attempt to scare him. "  _Ooh_ now , I'm scared  _!_ " He teased , feigning fear as he mockingly gasps. A loud cackle bubbled from his throat after , throwing his head ; his laughter filling the entire room. " . . . Not . Are you  _serious?_ Threatening the person  _you_ yourself titled the '  _Wolf ' ?_   _Please ._ "

Dan gritted his teeth in annoyance , fists clenching .  _This_ punk surely knew how to grin his gears.  _Just ignore him , Howell._ A voice in his head said . A sigh escapes his lips as he attempted to calm himself down . He shouldn't even talk to idiots like Lester , they were merely wasting his time .

Fortunately for him , students started to come in and so did their Professor . The class begun and Phil began to listen attentively .  _Just survive for 50 minutes. 50 minutes and this entire thing's over._

The entire class was boring as  _heck ,_ Dan wanted to gouge his eyes out for entertainment . The teacher talked so  _slow_ and in an unpleasant way , there was  _no_ entertainment in this class at  _all ._ Unlike English. At least their goddamn  _teacher_ was lively and hilarious , unlike  _this_ one . . . Who was unbelievably boring .

Even Phil seemed bored . Dan didn't know what the heck to do for entertainment , so he decided to at least look at his seatmate. Even if he was an asshole , Dan had to admit that Phil was a  _gorgeous_ human being . It's a shame that such a pretty face was wasted on a terrible person. His lips were pretty even though pale , his skin was perfectly pale and blemish free--- Even with those  _goddamn_ tattoos. But the  _most_ beautiful thing about him was his eyes. Oh , his eyes. They were so blue; Like the morning sky or the ocean. His hair was lovely , the way it fell to his eyes was  _perfect ._ Wait-- Why the  _heck_ was he checking Lester out?

Immediately averting his gaze , he acted like nothing happen. His fingers started to tap against the table in front of them , producing sounds that slowly drove Phil mad. "  _Can you stop that? "_ He whisper shouted at the brunette. "  _It's annoying as hell. "_

Rolling his eyes , Dan stopped. As much as he wanted to go on  _( since 1 , it was the only thing that made him entertained. 2 , he enjoyed pissing off Phil for some reason )_ , he didn't want to mess with  _Phil._ Messing with him was practically  _suicide ,_ considering the detentions he's made and times he was suspended . Phil was a trouble maker and that was no secret . Dan wasn't oblivious that he  _was ,_ too. This class was just driving him mad. He wanted to go home.

And as if the heavens can hear his prayers , the bell rang; signalling everyone to go home.

* * *

Dan managed to get home safely and with no problem. Usually , when he went home , he had to deal with  _Phil's_ stupid pranks or ideas . Seems like he spared him today despite what happened in biology.

With excitement running through his veins , he hopped into his bed and placed the huge gift atop his lap. It might be a teddy bear , might be drugs , sex toys . . . Who the hell knows. Dan  _wanted_ to know. Fingers shaking , he began to tear the wrapper to open the gift . And  _oh ,_ it was a whole  _lot_ better than what he expected. A dorky grin was soon plastered on his features . It was the  _biggest_ Totoro plushie he has ever seen in his whole life. He immediately gushed and wrapped both of his arms around the said toy , and  _boy ,_ it was big  _!_ A note seemed to be attached on his back .  Dan hoped it was the name of whoever gave him this gift . Knowing that he hasn't dated anyone in a while , he would  _love_ to date whoever this was _!_ Who knew the simplest way to his heart was to give him a Totoro plushie? Such a weeb.

The dorky grin still painted on his face , he opened the letter only to find a poem written in neat cursive. He had  _no_ idea who's handwriting was this , no idea who writes this way . He flipped the note , trying to find their name , phone number ,  _any_ piece of information  _!_ But there wasn't . Dan couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed at this . His smile faltered ever so slightly , suddenly feeling a bit hopeless. But as soon as he read the poem , that smile was once again on his face . He couldn't help but gush one again , blood rushing to his cheeks and those cliche butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Whoever this person was  _sure_ knew how to swoon Dan.

_There are a lot of things that fall._

_Raindrops ,_

_Petals ,_

_Teardrops ,_

_Tides ,_

_Time ,_

_Shadows ,_

_Leaves ,_

_The sun . . ._

 

_And I , for you ._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !! So this was the very first chapter and I hope that it wasn't that crappy D: I've always wanted to write a punk/pastel au , so here it is ! :D This was supposed to be longer than this tbh , but somehow I've lost inspiration and got...Well , lazy. Procrastination(tm) is great. ( Thanks Dan. )
> 
> Nevertheless , I hope you guys liked the first chapter !! I'm quite excited about how the story will go , it's supposed to be angsty and fluffy tbh?? AAAA :D


	3. wrathful woe wolf

**02.**

_Boring. Tiring. Repetitive. Demanding . Ugly . No point. . ._

      **A** variety of negative thoughts streamed through the boy's mind , invading it; erasing  _every_ single positive thought that struggled to push itself in . In Phil's eyes , the world was  _monochrome ._ It lacked color , only painted with the  _boring_ shades of black , white and grey. He  _hated_ it . He could  _never_ view the world as a beautiful , colorful place-- Similar to how he viewed it when he was a whole lot younger . How his  _mother_ told him that the world was a very beautiful and colorful place. He  _believed_ her before , oblivious to the world's crucial side . 

     _Liar ._

He could never describe the world as  _beautiful_ anymore . 

     _Not after that day._

     He lived alone in a boring apartment . The silence was something he described as  _calming_ before , due to the fact that  _no_ noisy or irritating human beings to irk him. But as the days passed by , he slowly got  _mad_ about it . It was maddening , sickening--- It only drove him  _crazy ._ The silence only made him think about life , ask the unnecessary and deep questions . 

 His grandma , however , always sent him money for his daily needs and tuition fee. She was the only beloved left in his life . He didn't know what he'd do without her .

Still , he couldn't rely  _everything_ on his grandma. He worked in a Plant Shop despite his love for plants and flowers. No one seemed to know that he did , and if someone  _did ,_ they'd pretty sure either laugh at it or find it  _weird._ Phil Lester , the school's  _most_ intimidating bad boy , working in a  _Plant Shop?_ Preposterous .  One would find that  _unbelievable_.

Sitting up from his bed , he yawned and stretched his arms . He threw his midnight colored duvet , revealing his creamy white skin . It was embellished with a  _beautiful_ rose tattoo that trailed from his collarbones to his hip . Phil never really intended to get  _any_ tattoos when he was a young boy , but he decided to get some anyway to add to his ' bad boy ' appearance . Either way , it  _did_ suit him pretty wall .

As he was scratching his back  _(_ which also had a flower tattoo  _)_ , he felt something  _vibrate_. He was blind as a bat without his glasses or contacts , he was too lazy to find them  _now ._ He decided to just wing it , touching different places till he could find his phone . Luckily , he  _did ._ It was a text message from someone.

_Fr : Melissa : Imy babe. dc that u broke my heart pls come back 2 me. xoxo._

Rolling his eyes in annoyance , the black haired replied with  _no_ hesitation at all;

_To : Melissa : Ugh , can't you just put two on two together? Ever wondered why I even broke your stupid heart in the first place? It's because I don't like you. Didn't love you , either . Never did actually . Why the hell would I give you a second chance? You're an idiot for falling for someone like me. Leave me alone._

Yes , his reply  _was_ indeed cold and straight forward. But this girl was annoying Phil to the  _max ,_ he possessed tiny patience and was utterly done with this girl. She wasn't even romantic or anything. All she did was shove her boobs against him , desperately trying to get a way in his pants. Phil  _hated_ girls who acted like that.

Hell , he didn't even like girls. He only '  _dated_ ' them to break their hearts for fun . He was  _that_ cruel , breaking heart for his own entertainment . It was pathetic , really . Everyone  _knew_ that Phil Lester was a heartbreaker--- So why even love him?  _Idiots._

Truthfully , Phil liked boys . He found boys cute , way less annoying and entertaining . Hell , he even found that annoying  _Howell_ Prince gorgeous . His cinnamon brown eyes were captivating enough to  _lure_ him , too . His sun kissed skin was absolutely  _perfect ,_ not a hint of imperfection present . His plump , pinkish lips were  _gorgeous_ and looked like a pleasure to kiss . His chocolate brown hair was  _lovely ,_ it was soft-- The way it fell into his eyes was absolutely  _beautiful ._ His scent was pleasant , like newly made cotton candy and vanilla ice cream. Wait-- why the  _hell_ was he describing Daniel this way? He was  _annoying._ Irritating.

Albeit blessed with good looks and that  _goddamn_ gorgeous smile , he always found Daniel troublesome . He was full of pride , every comment he made about himself was  _always_ in vain. He treated his ' fans ' as if they were his servants , hell , he even bet that that  _sweet_ personality of his was a mere facade . Either way , like the mature man he is , he mostly avoided him . But he couldn't help himself but  _annoy_ him sometimes , his reaction was either entertaining or . . .  _Adorable._

That '  _Wolf '_ title of his? Dan made it . Being popular , of  _course_ his ' opinions ' would spread like wildfire . 

'  _Phil Lester? Oh , that punk . He's pretty cold , distant , scary and everything that's synonyms to frightening . Pretty much like a wolf. '_ He said once . Don't get me wrong , he's not  _mad_ about it . Why should he be? It was the truth .

He woke up pretty early . He decided to take a shower and maybe apply some dye on. He didn't usually change his hair color ever since he dyed it black , but trying new stuff never did hurt him anyway. He decided to try one that had the shade of prussian blue , though the bottle was awfully small that it could only dye a portion of his hair . He did it anyway , dyeing a part of his fringe . Dyeing wasn't really fun when you do it alone . He didn't have  _friends_ , anyway , so that didn't really matter. 

After a while , he successfully dyed it . It wasn't too bad , it was a  _improvement_ even. It suited him pretty well , it was  _way_ better than having everything black. Now he's got something to match with his eyes .

Taking a cigarette and lighting it with his lighter , he popped it in his mouth and grabbed his bag.

_Time to go to that hellhole everyone calls school._

* * *

 

Mumbles and endless bickering filled the air , producing unpleasant noise that bothered Phil. He started to  _hate_ silence , yes , but that doesn't mean he  _liked_ noise . He wanted things that sounded rather sweet to the ears; like the sound of the piano playing or maybe even the songs in his phone . The hallway seemed to silence as Phil walked in , students' eyes widening and taking a step back whenever he passed by them. No one said a word to Phil nor made eye contact with him , no one  _dared_ to bump into him either . They all feared him.

_The servants , princes and princesses lived in fear of the big bad wolf ._

Smoking was  _strictly_ forbidden , but no one had the strength or courage to confront him about it . Not even the  _teachers ,_ because he even scared  _them_ away. Which was an advantage for Phil. He didn't want to interact with them or anyone else at all.

Quite suddenly , the hallway broke oh so fragile silence . It boomed abruptly; startling him. Everyone practically said the same thing , giving salutations to no one else but

. . .  _Dan Howell._

_But of course._

The lovely prince everyone loved and worshiped. Everyone except the Wolf.

Annoyed , Phil's teeth clenched as he stormed too his first class.

* * *

As always ,  _boring ._ Class was utterly boring . Phil never found anything entertaining in his classes , even when the entire class found the teacher  _hilarious ._ He didn't . In his point of view , their jokes were rather immature and uninteresting . Or perhaps Philip simply lacked a sense of humor .

It was lunch and Phil finished his early . He could eat after school , anyway . He decided to take a stroll around the school to find some entertainment . Perhaps a fight was being held somewhere , or maybe even some clubs were going on . There were various of events that unfolded in different places at this very moment , and Phil hoped that he could at least  _witness_ one of them . Even though it'd be filled with those annoying ass teenagers , it was certainly better than nothing at all.

As he was taking his lovely stroll throughout the entire school , he froze . He stiffened at the sound of the piano playing . Whoever was playing sure did it  _gracefully_ and flawlessly . As if bewitched , the wonderful moving lured him. Seems like it was coming from the music room . Taking tiny , quiet steps he approached it- Only to find the flower prince sat atop the seat whilst playing the piano.

His slender fingers danced on the black and white keys adroitly . He seemed passionate about playing the instrument , for he had his eyes closed the entire time; letting the flow discharge naturally to produce pleasing music . And oh , he  _did ._ He was one with his thoughts at the moment , he looked like he was at ease and in peace . Phil slowly felt a smile involuntarily tug itself at the corner of his lips . He didn't even deny nor stop it . He was gorgeous , owned a smile that could enrapture a man's heart  _and_ was exceptionally talented. He was a triple treat.

_But he's annoying._

As he finished his piece , Phil slowly clapped , impressed by his playing . This caused Dan to jolt from his seat , obviously surprised . He didn't even noticed Phil come in or whatever ,  _hell ,_ he didn't even notice that Phil was there the whole time _!_

" Bravo. " Phil applauds , though his tone was monotone as ever. " Didn't know that the Flower Prince could play so well. "

Rolling those cinnamon eyes of his , he mumbled his '  _thanks '_ and proceeded to leave the room . Phil frowned at this , but at the same time was puzzled. His hand seemed to take control and grab his hand to cease him from leaving . His head shot at him , gaze directly looking at his hand--- He was warm. His hand was soft , creamy and comfortable to hold; whilst his was the contrary , cold , rough and choppy.

Despite this , Dan quickly retrieved his hand and scowled at him with a disgusted expression. " What?! " He hissed which took Phil aback.

" Woah , calm  _down_ little lion. " He smirked.  " Just wonderin' why'd ya stop. Geez , it was a  _genuine_ compliment , quite rare to come from me-- Ya know _?_ Be grateful. "

He swore he saw his cheeks turn into a shade of pink . " Stopped playing because your goddamn  _face_ made me lose the motivation to play. " The brunette sassed.  " Now if you please ,  _don't_ grab my hand . I shouldn't be wasting my time with you. "

And with that , he left . Stomped away angrily it looked like . Phil couldn't help but laugh at this .  _Gee ,_ did he really hate him this much? He'd say that the feeling was mutual , but he didn't hate him _that_ much that he'd walk out of the room when he'd arrive . 

Well , couldn't really change anything about Flower Prince now , eh _?_ Everyone said he was a pretty nice dude . If he  _was ,_ he'd be able to tolerate his shitty ass . Not treat him like absolute  _shit ._ Guess everyone was wrong . Or maybe he was only rude to  _him._

Phil once again found himself smiling like an idiot . '  _Aww , I'm special. '_ He jokingly thought , but brushed the thought away after and began to walk back to class.

* * *

 

The moonlight poured in the windows like a glass spilling milk . The stars shone brightly , occasionally flickering like diamonds painted on the sky . It was a pleasant , lovely night.

It was just him and the plants today. He made sure each and every one was watered well and was given their sufficient needs . Especially the  _cacti_ for some reason. He really liked that plant . The roses ,  _too ,_ it being his favorite flower- As cliche as it sounds.

It was unusually quiet in the shop today. Not as much people came compared to the usual nights which kind of made Phil a bit glad . Means he'd have to deal with  _less_ idiots but could still get some pay. The speakers , however , filled the room with pleasant music . It was currently playing  _Iris_ by  _The Goo Goo Dolls ,_ one of his favorite songs and bands.

As beautiful as the song was , it really couldn't compare to the beauty of Dan's piano playing earlier . There was just . . . something about it that made it so . . .  _Captivating ._ There was so much passion in it which was why it was so beautifully and well played . Phil's been thinking about Dan too much these days , he needed to  _stop ._ One day , he'll wake up and find out that he's already in love with that goddamn brunette.

_Ha. As if._

He simply sat in the registrar's chair as he read his book . His eyes quickly read the lines , flipping through the pages every 5 seconds . He pretty much got bored of the book after a while , for he decided to  _close_ it shut . His shift was going to end in 30 minutes . Maybe he could spend his time slee---

The bell chimed , signalling that someone has entered . A disgruntled sigh left Phil's lips as he reluctantly stands up and approaches the customer.

" How may I help you------  _Howell?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ! Another update within a few hours , wahah. Sorry ! Couldn't help my self. I apologize for my shitty writing btw , English isn't my first language so x_x . And sorry for the cliche cliffhanger , it's legit 4 AM right now.
> 
> However , hope you enjoyed that! :3c Feel free to leave comments or w/e. Thanks for the Kudos so far , I'm so so so happy that you guys liked it!!


	4. forgive & protect

**TRIGGER WARNING  :** This chapter contains violence.

**03**

" Howell _?!_ " The ebony haired male hissed , previous calm expression on his face replaced with an agitated one.  The  _last_ thing wanted to see was a goddamn student in his school , and the  _goddamn_ last person he wanted THAT student to be was Howell himself.  Last thing he  _wanted_ to fucking happen was for Howell to spread the news that '  _School's most intimidating bad boy actually works in a Plant Shop!!! Even treats the plants like his child !! Adorable , right? '_ or something  _cheesier_ than that. He was already fine with his ' bad boy ' reputation , hence the intimidated looks he got whenever he walked down the hallway. Next thing he knew , everyone will be whispering about his love for plants.  _All because of the Pastel Prince._ " What the  _hell_ are you doing here? "

A frustrated scowl was soon visible on the brunette's face . He visited the shop to get his mother some roses and himself some flowers , not to be greeted by this  vexatious  _beast ,_ who ,  _mind you ,_ pissed him off not so long ago. Although his sudden storming seemed a bit unnecessary . . .  _But still ._  He definitely had  _enough_ of Phil Lester today , maybe even the entire week--  _Month ,_ no ,  _year._ "  _Excuse_ me . " He snapped sharply , placing both hands on his hips as he gave him an impatient look . " I went here to get my  _beloved_ mum some roses , not to be  _yelled_ at .  So , if you would  _please_ be kind , would you move  _out_ of the way so I can speak to a worker? " 

Without a doubt , he flicked the boy's forehead to cease him from any more ramblings. His voice was  _excruciatingly_ irritating whenever he was fuming . It was obnoxious enough to hear him constantly , what more when he was  _angry?_ Dan , however , didn't seem to appreciate his gesture. " You  _are_ talking to a worker. " He informed. " The  _only_ worker , actually . Didn't you hear the '  _how may I help you '_ before I exclaimed that petty surname of yours? Or perhaps  I reckon you're either  _deaf_ or  _stupid?_ "

Dan definitely didn't have the patience to deal with him . Thus , he walks past him bluntly , colliding their shoulders as he made his way in the shop. Phil could only roll his eyes in distress and confusion. Whenever he  _tried_ to be nice with Pastel Prince , he seemed to react differently.  _Rudely ,_ actually . Did he  _not_ appreciate his kindness? He  _rarely_ offered it to anyone _!_ This guy should at  _least_ be thankful . Giving him the tiniest bit of respect alone was enough , yet he  _still_ received the contrary . Phil seemed to forget that this was  _Daniel Howell_ they were talking about , the self loving bastard who was always in vain and expected  _everyone_ to treat him like a prince .  _To the hell with that ._ Wolves don't treat princes nicely. They  _threat_ them.

The brunette had spent at least 45 minutes browsing the store , pondering and examining the plants. It was as if he was window shopping , or perchance he did so in  _purpose_ to ruin his life and make his shift longer . He didn't know if Dan knew , but Phil wasn't allowed to leave the store if it  _still_ had a single customer . He had to suffice their needs first . His shift ended 17 minutes ago , Howell's been looking around for at least 47 minutes now . Phil was getting impatient . He didn't like this  _game_ Dan was trying to play with him.

Now , on the other hand , Dan had a hard time choosing . All of the roses were equally beautiful and well taken care of . Knowing that Phil worked here , he assumed it was he who took care of these . They were watered properly , given enough sunlight , fertilizer and whatnot .   _Wow ._ Seems like little Philip here  _loved_ his plants . Who knew a bad boy like him would have an interest at such quaint things?

Soon enough , Phil had enough . He was  _so_ tired of today . He just wanted to go home , wrap himself around his duvet as he ate his cereal; his favorite lion plushie  _( yes , you heard me right. a lion plushie.  )_ next to him as he watched Buffy . The black haired male just wanted to  _rest ._ He didn't want to go to school tomorrow , either . It's not like anyone would care , right? 

" Would it  _hurt_ you if you hurry up? " He lashed out , foot tapping repeatedly on the floor in an impatient manner . His bare arms were crossed around his chest , crystal eyes glancing at the clock .  _9:56 PM._ "  Shouldn't you be  _home_ at this hour? It's  _literally_ 10 PM . So  _move_ your goddamn  _slow ass_ and hurry  _up._ "

A '  _tsk '_ ensued from the brunette . He was better off with his mouth  _shut ._ If he could , he'd pierce those lips of his  _together_ to refrain any sound to come out of those lips of his . " Can't you  _wait?_ " He shot back , glaring at him . " I'm trying to  _pick_ here ! These aren't for  _me ,_ they're for my mother " --Okay , maybe  _that_ was a lie . Kinda. He  _was_ buying something for his mom , but also for himself . A half lie , I conclude?--" So  _please_ keep that mouth of yours  _shut_ before I actually staple them. "

" But you're taking so goddamn  _long_! Can't you see that I'm  _desperate_ to go home now?! Stop acting so  _freakin'_ selfish and mov-- "

" Oh , so  _I'm_ the selfish one here now , aren't I? " Before Phil could even finish his sentence , Dan cut him off all of a sudden. He had _enough_ of Phil's shitty attitude . He didn't understand why Phil  _always_ acted this way . He was so.  _Fucking. Done._ With Philip Michael Lester .  " Say , who's the dude who  _always_ breaks hearts for his own entertainment/ Oh , right ,  _you._ You don't even  _care_ about those girl's feelings. You just  _break_ them to cease your own boredom! " 

Teeth clenches , fingers balled into a fist . His head looked down as his expression darkened. "  _Shut up._ " The mumble slipped off his tongue weakly , as if Dan's words stabbed him with a knife.

" And  _who's_ the dude who bullies weaker students for his own amusement as well? That's right  _!_ Phil Lester . The dude who doesn't give a single  _fuck_ about the world and only cares about himself?  _Phil Lester ._ The dude who thinks everyone else is idiotic and  _he's_ in the right? Ah , of course ,  _Phil Lester ._ "

"  _Shut up._ "

" And it doesn't stop there _!_ The guy who only wants his  _own_ needs to suffice and doesn't care about the other? That's  _fuckin'_ right folks , Phil Lester! What about the guy who'll do whatever he wants just because he wants to , not caring about the other's consent or feelings?  _Phil Lester._ Pushes  _everyone_ out of his way because he just  _could?_ Phil Lester  _!_ The person who doesn't give a single  _motherfucking_ shit about the entire world 'cept himself? Phil L- " 

"  _SHUT UP!_ " Phil screeched , cutting Dan's sentence off . His fist was completely balled that it looked like it was going to bleed as the other hit a pot , causing it to smash into the floor . The sound of the porcelain shattering echoed throughout the entire room , filling in the uneasy silence betwixt the duo . Dan's heart stopped and eyes widened in shock , a quiver running up his spine as goosebumps crawled in his skin . Hell , that didn't sound like a  _screech_ at all- Or maybe even a yell . It sounded like a  _desperate_ cry for help . Their gazes connected , brown meeting blue . Those pools of blue were filled with so much  _fury_ and anger . But , for a brief moment-- He saw it . A flicker of _melancholy ._ A hurt expression flashed on his visage , as if breaking the mask he had on for who knows how long . He looked like a lost puppy in the rain , frantic for it's owner to come back and save him. No , he just wanted _somebody_ to save him .  _Somebody_ to help him. Nonetheless , that tough visage of his returned to it's rightful place . Phil bit his lower lip . It took every muscle in his body to  _not_ cry . 

Seems like Dan pushed Phil's buttons.

Sympathy was painted on Dan's face as guilt washed over him. He didn't mean to say all of those-- He really didn't. He just . . .  _snapped ._ It was unintentional , it really was . He didn't mean to  _break_ Phil. He didn't have the right to judge him for who he was in the first place . Afterall , he didn't know who he was .

" P-Phil , I-I. . . " He stuttered , miserably failing to form a coherent sentence as the words fall off his mouth . He didn't know what to say . " I-I'm . . S- "

" I don't need your sorry. "  _Cold._ His voice was colder than ice . Though it sounded like he was in the verge of tears , wanting to breakdown . Those unwanted memories shot in his mind once again , like an unexpected bullet that targeted him as the victim. " I don't need your pity , either. "

Dan didn't know what to do. He simply stood there , stiffened . Soon enough , tears started to prickle from his cinnamon eyes . Tears trailed down his cheeks , forming rivulets afterwards . Phil's gaze shot up at Dan for a second . His expression softened , eyebrows frowning as anger slowly drained away from his body . He was filled with guilt afterwards. Did  _he_ do this? Did he just make Dan Howell cry? Did he just make one of the world's prettiest flowers . . . feel  _pain?_  

_You're as useless as usual , Lester ._

" Look , it's 10 PM isn't it? " He calmly stated , voice as soft as silk . When he was at  _this_ tone , it was a whole lot better . His voice was smooth and tranquil , his accent making it better . It sounded so soothing and comforting . Hearing his words of worry alone made Dan feel better slightly. " You should go home. "

Dan could only nod in response , no sound escaping from his throat . All that came were muffled sobs . He choked on his own tears , his own  _guilt ._ He made Phil Lester feel  _pain ._ Sure , most would have considered that a triumphant task , a  _miracle_ maybe . But it felt like  _hell ._ His entire body drowned in guilt , regretting every single word he spat out a while ago.

As Dan was at the door , Phil stopped him. " Wait , Howell-- " He called out . The brunette turned around only to see Phil putting on his coat and glasses , grabbing the keys to the shop. " Do you have some car to pick you up or whatever? "

He expected a nod , but Dan gave him a shake of the head meaning '  _no ' ._ A sigh slips out of his pale lips as he shook his head . Dan was truly oblivious to this world's cruel side.

" Can't go alone outside , then. " He mumbled , leading them both out of the store then locked it afterwards . " I don't care if you're old enough to protect yourself or whatever. It's dangerous out here . It's too risky. Next thing I know , your body's all beaten up in an alleyway or  _worse ._ "

With that , Phil placed both of his hands in each pocket of the cloak . It was pretty cold during the night in London .  Dan didn't know what the hell was up with Phil . He ,  _Dan Howell ,_ had said the  _worst_ words that managed to hit him hard . And now he wanted to  _protect_ him from the night's dangerous creatures? 

_You truly confuse me , Phil Lester._

The cold , dark night was illuminated by the orange glow of the street lamp's lights . Perhaps the night's creatures that lingered around were engulfed wholly by darkness , waiting for prey to come for them to feed on. A prince was unlikely to wander around at a time like this . But , for tonight , it seems like the wolves had a  _snack_ to feast on.

Dan didn't like it when his skin was exposed to coldness . Sure , he  _was_ wearing a sweater , but the cloth was too  _thin_. The cold atmosphere managed to crawl it's way into his skin , making him shiver . Phil noticed this , thus thought it'd be a good idea to hand him his coat . He took it off slowly , wrapping it around the other boy .

" W-Wait , what about- " 

" Didn't I tell you that I don't  _want_ your pity? "

That managed to shut Dan up . It was quite a peaceful walk after that . None of them dared to say a word , sharing uncomfortable and awkward silence. They didn't want to speak to each other as of the moment , so nothing really mattered. Dan's house wasn't  _that_ far away , but he wouldn't say it was pretty near either . Everything was going perfectly fine . . .  _Until._

" Oi , Lester. " An accented voice drawled out , a gang of 5 walking out from the night's shadows. They looked like guys Phil hung out with . They all looked like  _wolves._ " Nice boyfriend ya got there. Real pretty. "

With an uncomfortable look plastered on his face , Dan looked at Phil worriedly as he tugged his shirt . Wrapping an arm around the poor boy , he'd whisper; "  _Just ignore them._ "

Dan nodded in response with a determined huff. The feeling of Phil's arm around him made him feel safe and even more comfortable. He assumed this was a plan to make them think that they were  _really_ together , which would make them ignore the duo after . Without a doubt , Dan wraps  _both_ of his arm around Phil's waists lovingly , nuzzling against his chest . He was  _pretty_ good at acting . He didn't want to mess with those guys , either . He sneaked a peek of Phil's reaction to this , but all he could see was a straight faced Lester . 'Cept his cheeks were burning rosy pink.  _Huh. Weird._

And it all happened so fast . Dan was taken away from Phil's arms , pulled into another person's embrace. Except  _this_ one didn't make him feel comfortable , not one  _bit ._ It made him feel anxious , worried for what might happen next . A bald ,  _hideous_ man in his 40's managed to pull Dan away from Phil . His muscular arms tightened it's embrace around the boy , erasing any means of escape. Behind the man were 4 other men ,  _also_ in their 40's and looked like the man who held him. It was the same gang they saw a while ago.

" Didn't you  _hear_ me , Philip? " The older man cackled like a  _witch ,_ a triumphant smirk present on his features . " Said you've got a pretty  _nice_ boy in yer arms. "

Phil's eyes were blazed with fury as his fists balled . He looked even  _angrier_ compared to before . Sweat began to prickle from Dan's temples as he was yet again on the verge of tears , afraid of what may happen next . "  _Let. Him. Go._ " Phil barked, emphasizing each and every word.

The man's unpleasant , smoky breath tensed Dan's neck. His hands snaked down his pants , eyes clouded with lust as the smirk widened a tad. " And what if I don-- "

He was freed from the man's embrace. Phil began to beat up the man mercilessly , hitting him , striking him , kicking him and whatnot in a repetitive manner . The man's gang members tried to stop him , but that didn't stop Phil. Even with his lithe and somehow  _weak_ looking figure , he managed to strike all of them out , each one with a singular kick and punch. But that didn't stop from  _Phil_ himself getting hurt . He was punched for a several times , kicked and -- Dan didn't know. It happened too fast , too quick. He was shaking in fear as the events unfolded right in his very eyes. The poor boy was too innocent to witness  _any_ kind of violent acts occur in real life , but here he was; watching Phil Lester beat up 5 men by his own.

_For him._

Even after beating the others up , he continued to torture the bald one who tried to sexually harass him. He beat him up  _too much ,_ causing his entire body to shake . Lips , nose , eyes and other parts of his body to bruise or bleed. The man had pleaded for mercy several times , begging for forgiveness and asking for him to  _stop._ But Phil didn't , he couldn't . The sight of someone hurting Dan angered him  _so much_ that he wanted to  _murder_ this man here and now.

Attempting to pull Phil away from him , Dan cried out. " Phil , stop ! Haven't you done enough?! "

Reluctantly , Phil came along with Dan . His expression was still angry as ever , the bald man utterly  _destroyed_ and was in a sobbing mess , ' muttering '  _sorry '_ various times . " Don't you  _ever_ touch Dan again. " Phil spat out coldly , quickly wrapping his arm around Dan and leaded them both out of this mess .

Still shivering in fear , Dan couldn't help but embrace Phil in return. His strong cologne mixed with cigarettes was a whole lot better than that old man's smell. It scared him. He  _hated_ it whenever someone did that to him. He hated it when he was in the arms of someone he barely even knew. But when he was in Phil's arms , he felt . . .  _Safe._ Comfortable , protected and . . . _Loved._  If he could , he'd stay here  _forever ._

* * *

_The dude who _always_ breaks hearts for his own entertainment._

_The guy who only wants his _own_ needs to suffice and doesn't care about the others._

_the guy who'll do whatever he wants just because he wants to , not caring about the other's consent or feelings._  
  
The person who doesn't give a single  _motherfucking_ shit about the entire world 'cept himself.

_Phil Lester._

_" Shut up , shut up , shut up._ " Phil muttered numerous times as he buried his face in his duvet . He has been sobbing for almost an hour now. Dan's words hurt him  _so fucking_ much. 

Dan didn't know him. Dan didn't know what ever the  _fuck_ he's been through. Dan didn't know who the  _fuck_ was Phil Lester. Therefore Dan had no fucking  _right_ to judge Phil.

 But that wasn't the worst one.

 It was the sight of Dan in pain , sight of Dan  _hurt ._ He hated it. He hated it so  _fucking_ much. It didn't even feel like a stab it in the chest , it felt like bullets shooting directly at his heart . Each choke or sob was one bullet , hurting him even more and more . He hated seeing him cry , yet he didn't know why . And the fear that was on his face as that dude tried to . . . do those  _disgusting_ , unspeakable things to him?  _Absolutely_ maddening . How  _dare_ they hurt Dan right in front of his eyes? How  _dare_ they attempt to tarnish one of the world's most beautiful flowers?

But  _why the fuck_ did he even react this way? Why did Dan affect him so much? Didn't he hate him , find him so  _irritating_ and  _annoying?_ Didn't he despise Dan Howell's existence?

_' What are you doing to me , Dan? '_


	5. wolf's dark cavern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter at like 4 am im so sorry omfg

**TRIGGER WARNING :** Blood? Not really. sorta. mention of rape but it doesn't really happen  
literally or w/e it's just mentioned i swear

**04**

He didn't want to let go.

He wanted to be enveloped in those tattooed arms for an eternity .  He wanted to inhale that smoky scent of his . He could vaguely hear the muffled sound of his heart beating aloud , his pale cheeks reddening . He felt so safe in his embrace , assured that those arms of his could protect him eternally . He didn't want to let go; he wanted to stay , wanted him to be with him . 

But it seems like Phil didn't agree with this .

For eventually , his hands grabbed a hold of Dan's hands , unwrapping them around from his waist . The brunette couldn't help but frown at this , a bit upset that he was obliged to let go . He didn't even realize that they were already in front of his house . Seems like he was too lost in his own thoughts to realize this .  Dan was relieved that they managed to come back with no problem at all , other than  _that_ event . Dan spun around to Phil's direction to thank him , but before he knew it; he was gone. It was as if he vanished into the darkness , or maybe even ran away by the means of teleportation . Dan didn't really know , afterall , Phil Lester  _was_ a mystery.

_But still. . ._

No matter how hard he tried , his mind would  _always_ revert back to that scene . The image was tattooed in his mind; that look on Phil's face , that expression within those beautiful blue eyes of his. He looked like someone who was desperately crying for help , desperate for someone to reach out and free him from the hell he was suffering in . That despondent look painted on that pretty pale face of his , it was saddening .  The fact that  _he_ was the one who caused it filled him with utter remorse . He didn't mean any of it ,  _really ,_ such words slipped out from his lips involuntarily despite the anger bubbling up inside him . Seems like he should learn how to control his own emotions sometime , otherwise he'd continue to hurt others when he didn't mean to . 

He didn't even hold the right to judge Lester in the first place. He didn't know him; only knew that he was a cold , distant person who acted like a dick. He didn't know his backstory , what he's been through or why was he like this . To think of it , there were a  _lot_ of questions about Phil that desired to be answered : Who  _is_ Phil Lester , anyway? Why was he so cold? Where are his parents? How could he fight so damn well? Why was he so  _different_ from everyone else? Phil Lester was nothing but a puzzle begging to be solved. And Dan barely had any pieces.

But Dan wanted to solve that puzzle . After what happened , he believes that Phil is but a poor , lost soul who was in need of saving . He's going to fix Phil if that's the last thing he'll do , put back those pieces together even if it's the last thing he'll do. He was going to make Phil Lester smile ,  _genuinely ._ Not a forced one or a triumphant smirk , a real ,  _blissful_ smile to show that he was truly elated and in pure bliss . He was going to make Phil feel loved and important , because he  _is ._ Dan always believed that everyone has a purpose and deserves to be happy. Phil was no exception to this rule.

He should apologize to him. He doesn't care if he'll whip out that '  _I don't need your sorry  '_ phrase once he does so , he  _needs_ to apologize . Otherwise , he'll be drowning in the guilt that he has bottled up; causing anxiety to crawl in his system whenever he'd see him , knowing that he never apologized properly for what he did . It doesn't matter if Phil doesn't accept his apology or denies it ,  _at least_ he actually attempted to do a sincere , proper apology .

 After receiving a concerned lectured from his parents , Dan hastily returned to his room and threw himself on those pretty pink sheets of his . There was one goal plastered on his mind , he was determined to accomplish it and achieve sweet , sweet victory : to make Phil Lester happy . Dan couldn't but smile at himself . Step 1 was going to be done tomorrow flawlessly , and that was to apologize to Phil . There were still a lot more steps to take , but that didn't bother Dan. Dan wasn't one who baks out too much. Besides , how hard could it be?

Little did Daniel know , this wasn't an easy task .

It was a very ,  _very_ hard mission to fulfill.

* * *

  _Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._ The clock's song echoed throughout Phil's lonely room . His blue eyes stared endlessly at the ceiling , contemplating about his life and whatnot . He couldn't sleep.

His mind still wanders . That image of Howell sobbing was stuck in his head . Those words he spat were venom to his veins; killing him , poisoning him and whatnot . He wanted it to stop . 

He stood up from his bed and walked over to his drawer. He decided to scavenge or search in it to kill time . His grandmother used to visit and stay for quite a while , she left him some miscellaneous crap for some reason. He didn't mind it , really , he couldn't even be annoyed by it since he loves his grandmother _very much._ There were a bunch of candy which he assumes was pretty much rotten by now , some memos with positivity written on them , small figurines of some cartoon. For some reason ,  _condoms_ hence his grandma's lecture to practice '  _safe sex '._   _Heh._ He wasn't  _that_ type of guy , really . He wasn't hooked up with anyone at  _all_. The whole ' Phil impregnating his exes ' thing was a lie , who the  _fuck_ even came up with that? He didn't really respond to any question given to him about the rumor . Some idiots even theorized that it was  _true ,_ and of course- His  _exes_ faked an abortion just to ruin his reputation even more. One even said he has STD.  _Fucking liars._

One thing caught his eye : tarot cards. His grandmother used to love these and used it to predict her future. Phil himself didn't believe , though- A bunch of useless cards can't identify your future. But Phil didn't want to be rude , so he happily accepted the thing from his grandmother and told her that he'll use it soon . He never did until  _now ._ He'd do this just for fun . He doubt that it's true , anyway . 

Fingers idly took a card away from the deck . It was an image of a knight atop a horse , a large branch in his hand . " The Knight of Wands. " He read to himself aloud , to no one in particular. " Some  _guy's_ gonna have a big impact . An  _energetic warrior._ He has a hasty personality and is very quick to love or hate. "

 _Huh._ He studied the card once again , pondering about the prediction.  _A man , eh?_ It's not like he believed it. He doubts it , but then again ,  _who knows?_  He eventually threw the card away . Not even bothering to fix his mess , he buried his head in his arms.  _Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._ The annoying , repetitive chorus of the clock was the only sound that filled the room . Other than that , complete  _utter_ silence. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat , his eyes fluttering close.  _Sleep._

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

That sound was still heard. But he was in bed. His  _old_ bed. The paintings of his parents adorned his boring grey walls , house plants placed at each and every corner of his room . The clock still sang it's boring song , though it was rather faint compared to before.

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock._

Phil stood up from where he is and approached the origin of the sound . His footsteps echoed throughout the entire room , mixing along with the clock's sounds.  _Tick.Tock.Tick._ It never stops . The cold breeze brushes off his cheeks , wind whispering incoherent sentences in his ears; he could hear someone calling for him.  _Philip. . ._ It's gravely voice calls out . 

_Tick._

Phil leads himself to the living room where the grand stood.

_Tock._

_Thud, thud , thud ._ His footsteps were slowly being quieter , the sound of the clock dominating over it .

_Tick._

As Phil entered the room , all he could see was blood . Blood stained the wall , the floor ;

_Tock._

_" Philip._ " Honeyed voice whispered ever so sweetly. "  _Why didn't you tell me?_ "

_Tick._

_Tock._

Silvery weapon is presented in her hands. She places it against her neck , trailing it down till it reached the very center.

_Tick._

"  _Philly , dear. . ._ " Sweetness coated her words , though it was  _bittersweet._ " Why didn't you tell  _mommy?_ "

Menacing cackling spills out of rosy red lips .  _And then-_

_nononononONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO-_

_Tock._

Eyelids forcibly open to pull Phil out of the nightmare. His breathing hitched , sweat formed in his temples and back. He was sweating badly and panting heavily . His heart beat in an unhealthy pace; anxiety and guilt filling his system . Tears started to prickle in his eye as the memory forces itself in against the boy's will . The memory played in his mind , reminding him of what he had failed to do when he was younger . He needed to do something to distract himself . He stood up from his chair , legs like jelly; they were wobbly . He couldn't walk normally. His vision was a blur , quite funny actually.  He couldn't see properly like this . The image of  _that_ nightmare burned in his head , causing him to step backwards and collide against his wall . The poor boy sat down , bringing his knees closer to him and embrace them. He sobbed and sobbed and  _sobbed._ He chocked in his own tears , wanting to extinguish that  _stupid_ memory . He didn't want to remember it . He didn't want to remind himself the origin of why he was a  _monster ._ Why the world turned grey.  _No._

He eventually drifted off to sleep .  _Again ._

This time , he wasn't in a house . 

He was outdoor .

T'was a beautiful scene; sun kissing the horizon , orange sky descending off to a blue hue . Stars emerged , decorating the beautiful night sky along with the moon herself . The cold , soothing breeze brushed off his cheeks making the boy quiver . In front of him , he saw Howell's silhouette , He was standing before him . Slowly , the brunette approached him- He looked so beautiful. He was in his usual pink sweater , chocolate brown locks adorned with pretty pink flowers . His cinnamon colored eyes were captivating as ever . A toothy grin was drawn on his face, showing those adorable little dimples that he had . As he was close enough , Dan cupped both of Phil's cheeks- Pulling  _him_ closer to him. Their foreheads touched and so did their noses . Phil's heartbeat quickened , in the  _good_ way that is .

His pale cheeks were stained with red as Dan's smile grew. " There's no need to be scared ,  _Philip._ " Soothing voice would whisper , reassuring the poor boy . His thumb wiped off the tear trailing down his cheek . " You're  _not_ alone . "

A smile involuntarily find it's way into Phil's face . 

He didn't want to wake up.

* * *

Dan got up  _extra_ early today . He enthusiastically got up unlike before , and for the  _first time_ in forever- He was willing to go to school _!_ It feels like as if a miracle has happened. Or something  _possessed_ Dan. Their parents , too , were puzzled about his sudden enthusiasm .

It was silly , really , getting hyped all over  _apologizing ._ Who the  _fuck_ gets excited about apologizing?! Dan , apparently . To be exact , he was excited about this whole  _project_ he has set up for Phil . It was going to be a successful mission , he knows it . He's filled with enough determination to accomplish this mission of his _!!!_

He simply chose to gave him the lollipops he received 2 days ago. Hopefully , he'll like it- He wasn't sure if Phil had a sweet tooth or whatever , but who could say  _no_ to sweets?

He planned to go to school as early as him so they could meet .  It was a well known fact that Phil  _usually_ came to school earlier than everyone else . 

Soon enough , he was at school. There were only a few people in the campus . Everyone greeted him which he would return in an optimistic manner . Most were already questioning his sudden jolly mood , since  _that_ didn't really happen quite often . Dan surveyed the entire campus , hoping to see a black haired boy smoking or at least isolating himself from everyone else-  _Nope._ He ran in the hallways , greeting who he needed to whilst searching for Phil. Still no Phil. Classrooms? No Phil. A frown on his face as disappointment filled him. 

 _Maybe he'll come later. He doesn't come early **every** day. _Inner voice said , trying to cheer him up.  _Yeah. Maybe._

The day passed by quickly and Dan didn't do anything else but wait for Phil. He didn't come. Was he absent? Phil  _never_ skips a day _!_ That'd be preposterous! 

" Um. Dan. " PJ poked his shoulder , eyebrows frowning as a worried expression was visible on his features. " You've been acting strange today. Is there something wrong? "

" Where's Phil? " He immediately inquired , not exactly answering his question. A shocked expression was then drawn on his friend's face , which slowly descended off to a puzzled one.

"  _Phil?_ "  He repeats ,  confusion dancing on his visage. " Since when the hell did you care about that edge? "

He frowned at his unnecessary comment but thanked him for his answer anyway. He knew it was rude to suddenly leave Peej with no answer , but he  _needed_ to see Phil.

Lunch passed and there was  _still_ no Phil.

He was starting to worry. Was Phil sick , or was he simply too lazy to go to school? No , he  _couldn't_ be. Or did he . . . Did he  _not_ want to go today because he wanted to avoid him? That thought was a bit exaggerating , but it was possible . Did he not want to see Dan after what he said yesterday? After what _happened_ last night? Was his absence his fault? The whispers and murmuring of the same question in the hallway didn't help Dan at all . He was starting to feel unnecessary guilt . Various of students were questioning Phil's absence , despite the fact that he  _never_ misses a single day . Eventually , the day ended; 

_still no Phil._

He ran to the Plant Shop , but Phil wasn't there. It was another employee . Hesitantly , he entered. Phil's co worker greeted him kindly , asking him what he wanted.

" Um , do you know where your co worker is? " He inquired with slight hesitation , uneasiness hinted in his tone. " P-Phil Lester , exactly . "

" Ah , Philip. . . " She says , voice trailing off. " He's absent today. He said he was sick. Well ,  _mentally_ that was. "

" So he's at home? "

" Most likely. "

Dan thanked the woman and exited the shop. Unfortunately for him , the sky was starting to  _cry._ Grey , dark clouds started to invade the usual blue sky as the thunder roared loudly . It was raining.

_Just what I needed._

* * *

 He didn't want to come to school today. He needed a break from the world , isolate himself from it's cruelty . He needed time alone .

His boss was kind and understanding enough to understand his reason. It  _was_ reasonable , anyway . He spent his entire day eating popcorn , duvet wrapped around him as he wore nothing but boxers . His air conditioner was on the entire day as his eyes were glued to his TV screen. He happens to be watching his favorite show , Buffy.

 A knock on his door was heard. Phil  _tsked ,_ contemplating to whether or not to answer it.  Maybe if he ignored it , it'll go away . But the knocking simply got louder and louder , as if the person was  _desperate_ for their answer . An annoyed grunt slips out of his slips as he stood up , opening his door directly shouting '  _What?! '_ at the person. Turns out it was Howell.

Dan was stunned at the sudden sight , Phil  _only_ in his goddamn boxers. He got a pretty view of the tattoos in his chest , neck and arms. Most of them were plants and roses . . . But that wasn't the point  _!_ He was  _literally_ half naked- Only his  _boxers_ was on. He saw Phil Lester  _half naked._

Aware that it was Howell  _extremely_ drenched in the rain , with his cheeks red and absolutely  _flustered._ He seemed to be in awe , unable to let any words roll off of his tongue.  Phil was confused at first , not sure why he was acting like  _that-_ Until he realized that he was  _only_ in his boxers. " Oh. Wait , give me a sec. " Quickly , he snatches some pants and puts it on. " Alright. Better? Or perhaps  _not?_ Can't blame you , I'm pretty  _hot ._ "

His cocky personality was a turn off , but  _that_ was a hypocritical statement so he brushed it off immediately. " N- " He was cut off by the sudden blow of the wind , making him shiver so  _fucking_ much despite being drenched. Phil rolled his eyes , gesturing him to enter his room to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about.

* * *

 

" So. " Phil began , sitting beside him on his bed. Dan was wrapped around in Phil's towel , drying himself and making himself feel warmer . Phil didn't really appreciate sudden visits or  _visits_ in general , but this was Howell that we were talking about . " Why'd you visit? "

He was  _so_ enthusiastic about apologizing a while ago . But now? He was tongue tied , foot in mouth . He didn't know what to say . Maybe it was because he was  _nervous ,_ or perhaps because Phil Lester was completely  _shirtless_ beside him ." I . . .  _um._ "

Rolling his eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time , Phil groaned. " I didn't let you in to hear you  _stutter ,_ Howell. "

" I just . .  I wanted to say  , um. "  _It's easy , Dan. It's 2 mere words._ " I'm sorry. For everything . Yesterday and whatever I've done to you . I'm . . "

A long sigh slips out of his pale lips , leaving Dan's sentence unfinished. " What did I  _tell_ you before? " His voice was as cold as the days before . " I don't  _want_ your sorry. "

Dan couldn't help but be upset . He came  _all_ the way here to remain unforgiven . It was still better than not doing anything at all , right?  Phil must have noticed this , reading his look as if it were an open book. He sighed , shaking his head as he stood up from the bed. Dan's gaze followed him , the rose tattoo on his back immediately grasping his attention. " But if  _that's_ the only reason why you ran here , then it's fine. Don't even  _get_ why you're apologizing in the first place.

A grin is painted on Dan's face. He was delighted that Phil has forgiven him , and that step 1 was done . Though it might be fake , he was still glad . Phil's head turned to face Dan , icy blue eyes boring in his gaze. " Is that all you wanted to say , Howell? "

" I-Thank you , too. " He responded. " For yesterday. Even though I've . . . Said some pretty  _shitty_ words, you still . . . Protected me . And beat those guys up for me. I really appreciate it. "

" Can't let one of the world's prettiest flower's tainted, y'know? " He says without thinking . A small chuckle accompanies his words with a shake of the head , but his eyes widen as he realized what he said .  _The hell? Was I flirting on him?_ He looked at Dan , his cheeks as pink as his sweater . He could hear him mumble a barely audible '  _thank you '_ , avoiding any type of eye contact.

With that , a blush crept up on his face as well.  _What the hell's wrong with you , Lester?_

There was uneasiness in the atmosphere , utter silence filling the entire room. The annoying sound of his aircon was the only thing they could hear , mixed with the TV's sound. " Its raining pretty hard outside , huh? " Phil started , breaking the silence.

" I-I guess. " He stutters , standing up from the bed and headed towards the window. It was raining pretty hard , the sky crying harder than ever . There was even goddamn  _traffic_ outside , and it seems like no gang members or whatever.  _Speaking of gang members..._ " H-Hey , the guys that ... Um , attacked us yesterday. " Dan started awkwardly. Why was he so goddamn awkward now? He was practically yelling and sassing at him the day before! What the  _heck_ made him nervous about him now? " W-Were they your friends or something? I must have broken a friendship of yours... I'm sorry. "

" Quit apologizing . It's unnecessary. " He said. " They aren't my friends. Well , they  _try_ to be. "

Cocking a brow , Dan inquired, confused: "  _Try_ to be? "

A smirk is tugged at the corner of Phil's lip. " Gee , you seem to be lost in  _your_ own pretty world to know that a world like  _mine_ exists. "  He huffed. " You  _see ,_   _you_ blend in a crowd of Princes and Princesses; of royalty and beauty . You're a pretty loved  _Prince_ in that world ,  _right?_ I happen to be the same . 'Cept in  _this_ world , it's ugly . It's cruel , full of violence and all about  _survival._ I live with the  _wolves,_ y'see? And like  _you ,_ I'm a pretty well known wolf. But I'm no  _prince ,_ " His smirk widened a tad , as if he was planning on something unpleasant and malicious. " I'm the  _king_ of these wolves. "

" Being the  _king ,_ these stupid peasants of mine try to impress me or whatever . Hoping that we'd be friends , thus they'd get an advantage from me or something like that . These wolves like to  _fight_ for certain things , which I'll explain later. As they fight , their victory relies on their  _strength._ Me being the  _strongest_ of them all , I could beat  _any_ of them which we pretty much established yesterday. These  _peasants_ try to befriend me , hoping that I could like them and I dunno. Join their gang? I've denied all of them ,  _anyway._ Do you want to  _know_ what these wolves fight for , though? And what they do to them? What they _do_ to you pretty Princes and Princesses? " He questioned , licking his lips as he approached Dan even  _closer ._ Dan , on his side , stepped backwards as he stepped forward. He could  _run ,_ but his body didn't let him to. " W-What? "  He questioned.

" They  _eat_ them. " He responds , chuckling ominously. " Well , not in a literal manner. I'm pretty sure you get what I'm saying ,  _right?_ They  _snack_ on them , feast on them without a care of the consequences. It's disgusting , really . They've gotten pretty low class beauties , though . Not the ones like  _you._ No one has gotten  _those_ beautiful flowers just yet . Do you want to know why I'm called their  _king ,_ though? Why they think I'm the  _greatest_ one of them all? "  _Thud , thud , thud._ He approaches the boy closer , till he was up against the wall. Before he knows it , he was pinned against the wall; trapped by Phil Lester.  _Shirtless._

 _"_ _W-Why?_  "

" Because I've managed to  _lure_ the prettiest Prince  _that_ kingdom has to offer. Didn't even have to do  _anything ,_ because the Prince came to  _me_ by himself. " He licked his lips , his laughter hinting that he was about to do something unpleasant . " The Prince foolishly lead himself in the Wolf's dark ,  _dark_ cavern. "

Leaning in closer , his bare chest touching his slightly damp and clothed one. Dan's heart was beating like crazy as Phil's lips grazed his ear , whispering in what seems to be a  _seductive_ manner .

" So ,  _Daniel._ " He whispers. " Do you have  _any_ idea what the big bad wolf's going to do to you? "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i accidentally wrote member as memeber and laughed at myself so hard . i feel so drunk rn it's like 5 aM OHMYGOD
> 
>  
> 
> im going to sleep
> 
> peace out loves xoxoxo


	6. kitchen sink

**TW :** Lots of cursing for some reason?? idk if that's  
triggering but yo

**05**

 Lukewarm breath fanned against slightly tanned skin . Goosebumps were crawling on his skin as chills were sent down his spine . Anxiety suffused his system as his heartbeat's pace raised; he was panicking . He had no idea what was Phil's intentions , no clue of what was going to happen next . But something in his gut told him he wasn't going to like it.

Silence. Complete utter silence resonated within the room; it was uncomfortable , made the brunette uneasy even . His cinnamon eyes were directed at  _anything_ but Phil , his hands glued to the wall with his chest  _still_ sticking to Phil's bare one . He was worried that Phil could actually  _feel_ and hear his own heartbeat . He didn't even know why was it beating so  _goddamn fast_ in the first place- He didn't even know why Phil affected him this much.

Tick. Tock. Tick.

And out of the blue , laughter bubbled up from Phil's throat; spilling from those pretty pale lips of his as he threw his head back , taking a step back . A genuine , joyful laugh piercing oh so fragile silence; breaking the awkwardness found between the duo. He laughed and laughed and  _laughed._ It wasn't a forced and that assholic laughter , either. It was natural; genuine , as if he just experienced  _true_ happiness. And  _god fucking damnit ,_ it was beautiful. It was like those wind chimes blowing in the wind . . . He's lost for words. No words could simply describe what he just heard , how  _beautiful_ it was. No words in his dictionary could explain it.

Even so , that  _still_ left an awkward Dan Howell stuck against the charcoal painted wall .  He was frozen , stiffened. His brain couldn't register what had happened , couldn't generate a proper reaction . One thing for sure , he was fascinated by Phil Lester's  _beautiful_ laughter . He laughed like there was no tomorrow , held his stomach for he's laughing  _so_ goddamn hard he couldn't breath . 

" Oh my  _god._ " He chortles , wiping off an imaginary tear . " You should have seen the look on your face _!_ Did you  _actually_ believe that I was going to do . .   _er ,_ _that_ to you? Jesus  _Christ ._ "

Soon enough , Dan was laughing too . Well , it was more like a titter .  

" Clearly , you didn't understand what I just told you minutes ago. " He then proceeds to step closer to Dan , grabbing his chin; forcing their gazes to connect.  " Haven't I told you? I  _won't_ dare to tarnish one of the world's most beautiful flowers. "

He lets go , leaving yet another confused Dan. Was he  _flirting_ with him? Phil?  _Flirting_ with him? Was he possibly interested in him? 

" If  _that's_ what you're thinking , then no. Ain't flirting with you , pretty boy. "  Phil said , as if capable of reading the young boy's mind. '  _Pretty boy '_ wasn't an attempt of flirting , that's for sure . It was a fact that he enjoyed using endearments. " I'm merely stating facts. "

 _Ack._ Not flirting? Was he sure? Or was he  _toying_ with his feelings like he does with every girl? He probably is. Don't fall for his charms and endeavors , Howell.

" As  _if_ I'd be interested in you. " He rolled his eyes , surveying the room trying to find something else to avoid the current topic. His instincts led him to facing the window . It was _still_ raining pretty hard and it doesn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon. " It's...  _Still_ raining pretty hard. And there's traffic. " 

It seems like Phil has _finally_ decided to put on a shirt , just to cease Dan from getting flustered and et cetera.  As always , it was still  _black ;_ just to match with his aesthetic and usual fashion sense . Phil walked over to the window where Dan was , studying the surroundings . " Yep , it really is.  It's getting quite  _late_ as well . You gonna go soon? "

Now that he's mentioned it , how  _was_ Dan going to get home? At a condition like  _this?_ There was always walking , but the weather wasn't helping one bit . They were going to get  _sick_ for sure once they do that , and Dan didn't like being sick. He hated the bitter taste of the medicine he needed to consume , the awful feeling of having a runny nose and feeling  _hot ._ He wasn't going to risk getting sick  _just_ to get home .

_The only other option then is. . ._

" Can I crash at your place for a while then? " The brunette blurted out without even  _thinking ._  T'was as if the words were spilled milk ; unexpected.  Phil turned to him and looked at him , shock visible on his pale face . It fades away after a while , though; reverting back to it's old , cocky Phil face. 

" Yeah , sure. How bad can it possibly be _?_ "

* * *

The tension in the room was unbelievable.

Well , for Phil at least .

It was silent , as usual . But it was  _too_ silent , it was rather uneasy;distressing . The rain outside in sync with the clock's ticking was the only source of music . He turned off his TV , deciding that he wasn't in the mood for Buffy. He wasn't used to two people in the room . I mean , he  _did_ want a roommate; but Howell? He'd have to think about it. Which would take a month or so , I assume . The pastel loving boy was laid across his bed  _(_ Phil said he could take it for tonight. He could sleep on the couch.   _)_ , reading a book from Phil's mini library.  _The Maze Runner ._ Meanwhile , Phil himself was laid across the couch; staring at the couch , listening to the ceaseless rhythm of the rain hitting the ground . His icy blue eyes were originally glued to the ceiling like he does every night , but would occasionally glance at Howell. 

He seemed to be drier now compared to before . He was wearing socks , both pastel purple , swinging his feet as he concentrated on the book . He hummed a tune t'was foreign to Phil , making him desperate to figure out what song that was . As much as he loved silence and the fact that Dan was  _not being his goddamn obnoxious self_ , it was unsettling . The silence , that is . " Hey , princey. " He called out , the new nickname coming out of nowhere. " Care turning on the speaker for me? "

Dan heaved a puff , putting the book down. " Alright ,  _wolfy._ " He said , mind quickly coming up with a  _stupid_ nickname to match with his . He verged upon where the speaker was , turning it on. " Thanks. " He heard Phil mutter as soon as he turned it on . Dan then threw himself on his bed , letting the sheet's scent drown him as he returned to his book. They smelled of  _Phil;_ like cigarettes and a strong scent of men's perfume . It wasn't the type of smell that he'd look for a guy  _(_ he preferred someone who smelled of something like  _cookie dough_ or  _cake ._ anything sweet in general  _)_ , but it smelt nice . 

The speakers soon began to play a [familiar tune](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyOqIKGbYkg); a piano was playing as the intro began , followed by a man's voice and a guitar.

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

Dan couldn't help but think of  _Phil_ as the song played . He'd be the person singing the song , though who he was singing it to was unknown. By the looks of it , Phil didn't  _want_ to let anyone know who he is . Probably why he was so distant , so cold from the rest . He often dodged and avoided inquiries regarding his past or whatsoever . Many judge him for his personality , but the thing was , they didn't even understand why did Phil act this way . Dan didn't , either . He wished that it he was singing this song to  _him ._ He wished he was the '  _you '_ in the '  _I just want you to know who I am. '_ He wanted to know Phil , understand him- So he'd help him and fix him.

They weren't even halfway through the song yet Phil had decided to change it. " I don't like this. " He worded coldly . Seems like it hit a little bit close to home. 

The [next song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHcO90GT9o) started out with bubblish like sounds , followed by what sounds like  _drums_ and a piano . It sounds like a band Dan wasn't aware of but Phil definitely loved. It was a rap song apparently , and Dan pretty much  _despised_ rap . However ,  _these lyrics..._

 _Nobody thinks what I think,_  
Nobody dreams when they blink  
Think things on the brink of blasphemy  
I'm my own shrink  
Think things are after me, my catastrophe  
I'm a kitchen sink,  
You don't know what that means  
Because a kitchen sink to you  
Is not a kitchen sink to me, OK friend?

It sounded a bit too much like  _him._ Nobody knew what was going on Phil's head , nobody knew what Phil was going through. Dan , however  _wanted_ to know . He pitied Phil , really . The poor guy deserved sympathy , some love . He was like a beautiful , porcelain doll that merely need fixing . Dan  _wanted_ to be the one who'll fix him , he was too beautiful to be thrown away.

_Go away [4x]_  
_Leave me alone [7x]_

_Yep. Definitely him._

In Phil's point of view ; he wanted to cry . He hated this song  _so_ much , he hated how some band was able to convert his own goddamn feelings into a song . He hated how this song characterized him , described him so  _well;_ how this song was practically his life's theme song , how he related to it . How it struck right  _exactly_ at home , opened a stupid box in his memories that said ' DO NOT OPEN. ' . Those memories that he wanted to forget . . . The  _real_ Phil that was hidden in that closet he's kept for a long time . He wanted to burn that closet with  _that_ Phil inside it ; because no way in  _hell_ he was going to let him out .

Phil wasn't going to lie . He wasn't going to deny the fact that whenever  _this_ song played in his playlist , boomed in those speakers of his; he'd start to cry. He'd pull his knees closer to him and begin to sob uncontrollably .  He wanted to do so  _right now ,_ but he didn't want Dan to see his sudden breakdown. He didn't want Dan to see his facade crack , to see what's under the mask he's been wearing all these years . So , he bit his lip as hard as he could; trying his best not to burst into tears.

_Nobody thinks what you think, no one_  
_Empathy might be on the brink of extinction_  
_They will play a game and say_  
_They know what you're going through_  
_And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say_  
_They don't know you, and neither do I._

Perhaps this was why Phil didn't want Dan's ' pity '. Perhaps it was because he didn't understand how he  _truly_ felt , how he thinks about the world . Phil seemed like the person who didn't want false empathy , he didn't want anyone to say '  _I know how you feel '_ because  _god fucking damnit ,_ they didn't . They didn't know him , and neither did Dan.

But this wasn't empathy . This was  _sympathy._ He felt  _sorrow_ and  _sad_ for him , thus wanting to understand whatever the  _fuck_ he's going through and help him fix it . But Phil didn't  _want_ his sympathy , either- Even though it was a hundred percent genuine . He wasn't going to  _force_ it to Phil if it'll hurt him , but  _still . . ._ He doesn't understand.

Phil Lester was such a huge fucking mystery . This mission of his wasn't as easy as he thought .

Now , Phil  _really_ wanted to cry . The lyrics struck him so much and pulled his heartstrings , knowing that he related to it  _so much_ he couldn't even describe it . It hurt , it hurt , it  _hurt_. It hurts so damn much that he feels like suffocating , feels like he's  _slowly dying_ because  _god fucking damnit_ it hurts  _so_ much . He hated everything; his life , the world , his  _fate_ and most importantly . . . His  _self ._

_Leave me alone._

That's right. He wanted everyone to leave him alone . No one understands how he feels ,  _no one_ understands what he's been through.

_Leave me alone._

He's so fucking  _sick_ of false empathy . All of these reassuring words that '  _it's going to be okay '_ because it's not . It never does. 

_Leave me alone._

Because god  _fucking_ damn it , he's been  _praying_ for at least 12 years; begging ' God ' for mercy , to spare him from this hell he's been suffering in for 12 years . He was so tired , so done- He's had enough. He just wants it to stop .

_Leave me alone._

_' It hurts , it hurts , it hurts , it hurts . Make it stop , please .  I'm so tired. I just want to rest . I just want to be with my family . I just want to see my brother . I just want to be happy- Is- Is that too much to ask for? Happiness? Why can't I have it? Why can everyone else have it? Why not me? What did i ever do to deserve this? Someone , please . . . Tell me. '_

_Leave me alone._

_. . . Don't leave me alone ._

But no matter how much he tries to deny it , he doesn't want to be left alone . He was  _always_ alone . Everyone in his life comes and goes; be it his boyfriend , his parents , his . . .  _Everyone ._ Eventually , his grandma will ,  _too ,_ because life's just  _that_ fucking cruel. He's been crying for such a long time , screaming , begging and calling out for help . He just wants someone to help him ease the pain; to soothe the wounds that have never healed on his skin . He just wants someone to  _save_ him.

A single tear rolled down his cheek . His heart was uncomfortably tight , it ached a lot . All because of  _one_ goddamn song . 

He suddenly remembers that  _Dan_ was still inside.

" H-Hey Howell , I-I'm fine . I'm just- " He jolts up from his current position , eyes flung to Dan's direction . He could hear very light yet audible snoring coming from the bed .  He stood up , legs wobbly from his sudden meltdown , slowly walking over to the bed . He's asleep; in deep , peaceful slumber it seems . His slightly damp flower crown was still on his head , his face plopped right next to the open book as his arms were folded atop of it . Eyelids kissed his perfect skin , very light snoring emitting from pretty pink lips as an expression of peace was painted on his pretty , pretty face. He looked like an adorable puppy.

The pain in Phil's chest seemed to falter as soon as his eyes witnessed the sight of this. Dan was so cute , there was no denying of such a fact . But when he was at  _slumber ,_ perfectly in peace; he looked even better . He was truly a beautiful flower , the prettiest one in the entire garden . As the pain faded away , it started to beat in an unusual pace . The sight of Dan alone was enough to make him feel better .

Sighing , he shook his head as he pulled both of Dan's arms . He carried the sleeping boy and placed him properly on his bed , tucked him in his duvet for him to rest properly. Hey ,a  _prince_ needed to sleep properly , right? A prince sprawled across the bed wasn't exactly the position you'd be thinking when you'd be thinking about a prince . Unexpectedly , though , his slender arms snaked around Phil's neck and pulled him down . This ended up having Phil laid right next to him , with Dan pulling him close and nuzzling against his chest . Those damn cliche butterflies were having a riot in his stomach , his heart wasn't helping either . He could feel his own cheeks burning as his eyes widened in shock and confusion.

"  _Phil._ " He heard him mumble . He was probably dreaming about  _him_ now , wasn't he? "  _I'm sorry . For what you had to go through._ "

Phil couldn't help but smile at this . Dan didn't know a  _thing_ about Phil's past , but even in his sleep he could tell that his sympathy for him was genuine and real . " I don't want your  _damn_ pity , Howell.  " He remarked , chuckling. He unwrapped Dan's arms around his neck , standing up from the bed and tucking him in once again . This time , he was sleeping properly . Except there  _wasn't_ a Phil wrapped around his arms .

Leaning in forward , Phil softly planted a kiss on his forehead . " Goodnight , "  He whispered sweetly.  " My sweet  _prince._ "

* * *

 

Sunlight entered the room through the transparent window , greeting Dan abruptly as his eyes fluttered open . _Who the fuck made the sun so bright?_

He yawned , stretched and scratched his back. Like he usually does in the morning . For a picosecond , he panicked; this wasn't his bed _!_ This wasn't his room , either . But it suddenly hit him that he  _stayed_ the entire night in Phil's house .  _Wait . . . Phil's house._

He promptly sat up , cinnamon eyes immediately looking below : he  _still_ had his sweater on.  _Good ._ It was a relief to realize that he wasn't  _naked ,_ which would mean that nothing happened . . . Right? Of  _course_ nothing happened . Phil wouldn't use him that way . He was sure his mind was simply playing tricks on him , that  _or_ it was hazy from recently waking up.

Phil didn't seem to be  _anywhere ._ He wasn't on the couch or beside him . His bag wasn't inside , either . All that was left was a cute , newly bought mint green shirt accompanied with cute lavender shorts . There was also a really pretty flower crown , it looks like it's made from _real_ flowers too . On top of it was a letter . Slender fingers took it , unfolding it open to read what it says .

_Hey._

_If you're reading this , it means you've recently woken up. Haha , kidding._

_I've already left . I made you breakfast by the way , it's on the table . I also had to wake up super extra early so I'd buy you_  
new clothes. I didn't want you to wear mine since I knew black wasn't your thing . Or maybe other students will get the   
wrong idea when they see Dan Howell wearing Phil Lester's clothes. . . You get my point , right? Just wear these stuff  
that I bought . Took a while to find a shop that sold you damn aesthetic , geez . What's with you and pastel anyway?  
There's also a flower crown that was in my shop. Someone must have left it , I dunno.  Just take it . And hey , if you're  
asking if this is a gift- It's not . Just got it so I wouldn't have you noisy ass complaining and whining at me on how I  
practically forced you to wear black. I know you're that whiny , obnoxious and stubborn , Dan . Long story short , I'm at  
school; eat your cereal and drink you damn milk , wear these clothes and leave . It'd be a shame if everyone's favorite  
prince was absent , right?

_Signed ,  
         Phil._

_PS : Please don't remember this night . Don't tell anyone . This is a secret between us , alright?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was shorter than usual , wahaha. 
> 
> also forgive me for using too many bands here. im trash for bands bye


	7. unwanted pity i offer

**06**

Nervously strutting down the hallway , Dan awkwardly tucks his hands in the two pockets . He wasn't used to wearing shorts . It's not like he was ashamed of his legs  _(_ he had pretty nice ones anyway in fact  _)_ or anything , shorts weren't just his own preference . He expected Phil to know that , but then again , Phil wasn't interested in him. Why should he be , anyway? Wolves weren't supposed to like Princes and vice versa. They can't be infatuated by them ; they can only either lust after them or loathe them . That's how Fairytales have been working ever since . Good loves good , evils don't love . 

But Phil wasn't evil ,  _right?_

 _" Damn_ Daniel  _!_ " A booming voice behind him exclaimed , hitting him on the back and startling him in the process.  " Wow . You're wearing shorts ,  _that's_ new. " 

Dan turned only to see PJ with a goofy smile plastered on his face , as if feeling triumphant for startling Dan . " Don't  _scare_ me like that , Peej. " The brunette scolded , but all his friend could do in response was laugh. " Sorry , it's just not usual to see you in shorts . You usually wear pants and leggings. " He wasn't wrong , though . He  _did_ wear shorts , but very solemnly . He just wasn't a fan of his legs showing off , either way showing off his skin in general . " Those look pretty new , though . Was it a gift from someone? "

" Yeah. " Dan would reply in an instant . He could lie that he bought it himself , but lying seemed useless .  There wasn't a need to lie , anyway.

" Oh really? From who? "

Ah ,  _that_ made him shut . His brain failed to process a witty response . Again , he  _should_ tell the truth- That it was from Phil . But reading Phil's letter a while ago , it looks like Phil didn't want him to tell  _anyone_ that they've interacted or whatsoever . He didn't want anyone to know that Dan and he  _actually_ talk to each other , what more of receiving a gift from him? If that wasn't the case , he'd proudly state '  _Hah , from /the/ Phil Lester , actually. '_ as if it was an achievement . Well , knowing Phil's reputation , it probably was . But then again ,  _Phil._ Biting his lip , Dan hesitantly let the reply slip off his tongue.

" From my secret admirer. "

Why was he reluctant to lie about this one anyway?  Dan  _always_ lies . He was a good liar . He has lied so much in his entire life that he didn't even give a shit or two about not telling the truth .

PJ for his part , however , merely smirked as olive eyes looked at Dan suspiciously . " Hm. Alrighty then. "

With that being said , a sigh of relief escapes Dan's lips . " Ah , you're  _lying_ to me , aren't you ? "

His lips pursed , eyes widening in shock at PJ's statement . Dan's eyebrows furrowed at him as he stared at him as if to say '  _How did you know? '_

The other chortles in response. " Well , you  _sighed_ a sigh of relief , didn't cha? You're  _bad_ at hiding things , Dan . Sometimes you tend to do stuff that make it obvious. "

There goes PJ and his quotes again . It was always like that , him saying some smartass quote and eventually , it applies to Dan's life in the future . It was as if PJ was clairvoyant or something . The boy's lips protruded into a pout , causing PJ to laugh and ruffle his hair . " Gee , quit talking . Shouldn't we be in class _?_ "

* * *

 Science was boring . It was usually the  _only_ class where Dan found actual entertainment , but it seems like the teacher's out for today . Thus , some  _boring_ old woman replaced him . She only made them read the entire book , as a poor excuse for her not to speak the entire period . Usually , he'd go up and talk to Louise- But she scolded the class whenever it was noisy . Seems like talking to others was out of his options for entertainment .

He glances at the window only to see the other class doing other activities . It was  _homeroom_ for them , apparently . Dan didn't exactly know what they were doing , but it seemed  _way_ better than reading a boring old book . He noticed that most of them were in pairs , it must be a paired activity . Everyone seemed to be having fun , and Dan was envious that they were . If he could , he'd join them in a heartbeat . He decided to watch the students do their thing to pass the time , but there was one thing that caught his eye . Long , black cotton pants , white shirt along with a black vest . Cigarette placed between his teeth as he lets out another puff .

Couldn't be anyone but Phil Lester , of course .

He didn't seem to have a partner . He assumed that  _no one_ volunteered to be with him , either too scared or shy  _(_ his fangirls , that is  _)_ or he had decided to be alone in his own will . The teacher didn't seem to give a shit or two , though . Probably because Phil was too  _stubborn_ or they were too intimidated by his appearance and personality .

Dan failed to notice that he's been staring at Phil for a while . He watched him puff out smokes , studying his classmates have fun whilst he stands and does absolutely nothing . Out of the blue , his eyes met Dan's; creating eye contact but was quickly torn apart for both turned away immediately . Dan could feel his cheeks burn , flustered. What the heck is Phil going to think  _?_ Was he _creeped out , weirded out? God , he probably thinks I'm gross._

Brushing off all unnecessary thoughts , the brunette decided to read his book instead.

* * *

 

It was lunch time .

Phil was sitting at the playground's swing , isolating himself once again from everyone else . Why the  _heck_ was Howell looking at him a while ago? Was he starting to grow on him or something? Because  _no no ,_ he shouldn't be eager to know more about Phil . He  _shouldn't ._ Phil wouldn't dare let him be intrigued .

Even though it was already too late.

Whenever Phil wanted a moment of peace , he  _always_ sat in their schools' playground . It was calming . The breeze was soothing and slightly chilly , the trees often gracefully dancing to it's song . A variety of flowers embellished the entire place making it more beautiful than ever . It was good that  _nobody_ came here , otherwise they'd probably ruin it's beauty . It was really quiet , too . It was like a long break from all the stupid shenanigans his classmates did.

Suddenly , rustling ensued behind him which was followed by a loud '  _thump '_ and a string of moans of pain .  Phil sharply looked behind him only to see a Dan hugging his knee whilst he writhed in pain . Rolling his eyes , he grunted as he approached the moaning boy . He had a hand on his hip as he looked down at him with disdain. He was still constantly muttering ' ows ' while rubbing his knee in hopes of soothing the pain.

" What the  _heck_ were you doing , Howell? " He hissed , shooting the boy an icy cold glare . Dan returned the glare though it was more like a scowl as he finally managed to stand up. " Isn't it obvious ? I wanted to hang around here . Is that a crime ,  _Lester?_ "

Here they go again with the pointless arguing . Truth be told , Phil was getting  _sick_ of it; Dan's voice raising whenever he sassed him or whatever , he didn't really buy it . His hands run on his face as he groaned in irritation , an inaudible mutter of the words '  _What am I going to do with you '_ slipping out pale lips . " Alright . Whatever , do whatever you want , what do  _I_ care . " And with that being said , he walks back to the crimson red swing .

Dan felt bad about his retort . Maybe he shouldn't have said that . It was true , though . He wasn't stalking Phil or anything , he just wanted to hang around in the playground for a while . He doesn't really do so often , so how would  _he_ know that this is where Phil usually hung around . Meeting Phil was purely coincidental .

He hesitantly approaches the yellow swing placed beside the red one , where Phil was sitting . He plopped himself down gently , hands grasping the honey colored chains lightly; the metal a prisoner to his grip . He swung himself lightly , glancing up at the blue sky whilst watching the clouds race . The wind's breeze whispered incoherent sentences as silence hung betwixt the duo . It felt painfully awkward being silent whenever Phil was around . It was like he wanted him to talk , wanted to hear his voice. He loved the sophisticated sentences he spoke at times when he wasn't angry , the Northern accent that coated his words . 

" Aren't you supposed to be with your friends right now? " Phil said without making eye contact . His blue eyes were affixed to the ground , back slouched , arms rested on his thighs as his legs were apart . His tone was monotone; neutral , as if he didn't really care .

" Yes. " Softly said the brunette , nodding as his brown eyes stared at him. " But they're doing important stuff with the council , sadly . Means I'm alone for a little while , I guess. "

" Then why aren't you with those fans of yours? I'm pretty sure they're a better source of entertainment than  _I_ am. " He stated , effortlessly kicking a small pebble from the ground . He  _knew_ he wasn't a pleasure to talk to . Others would rather be alone than with him , but this was  _Howell_ after all . You can't really blame him .

" They annoy me. " Dan replied without a hint of reluctance . Phil's head shot up at his response , his gaze now fastened to his sight . Dan on the other hand was looking up , cheek placed against his palm .

" Why? Aren't you supposed to  _love_ your fans or whatever? I mean , they praise you and all . " Phil said , confusion dripping in his words. 

" I  _do_ love them. Some of 'em , at least . " He eagerly replies. " Thing is , I  _don't_ like how most of them chase me for my mere looks . Ever notice why I stopped dating  _?_ "

" Yeah? "

" It's because I've noticed most of them only date me for my looks  _or_ fame. " Dan says ,a sad sigh escaping his lips . It wasn't going to be easy to find ' _the one '_  if people say they  _love_ you  , but truth is , they love your appearance; your fame , anything but who you  _truly_ are. " And I think it's shitty , honestly. It's alright if you're attracted to my looks , but don't  _lie_ about  _loving_ me when you only love my  _face ._ Like geez , is  _love_ based on looks now rather than your personality? That or  _love_ being mistaken for lust .  I swear to god ,  _half_ of the people I used to date were always trying to get in my pants . It's  _disgusting._ "

And suddenly , light chuckling from the black haired ensued . His hand covered his mouth to hide that goofy smile of his as more chuckles spurted out from it . Dan himself smiled as well , but he'd be lying if he'd say he wasn't confused.

" What's so funny? "

" Nothing , really . " Phil says. " It's just funny how we have the same views . And even though you have a huge ego , you're so  _right_ sometimes. "

Dan didn't really know how to respond to that . So instead , he smiles and laughs it off . Silence once again hung between them , both of their gazes wandering around at anything but each other . The silence was tense , and dear lord , neither of them liked it .

" So , uh. " Dan started awkwardly , trying to come up with a topic. " Why don't you . . . want to hang out with the other wolves? "

" The prince is yet again  _interested_ in our cruel little world. " He remarks , shaking his head idly. " Why don't you want to talk about  _your_ own little world? Y'know , the one's that full of happy endings and sunshines? Rather than a world that's filled with tragedy and violence , monochromatic and dark? "

" That's because I know  _too_ much about my world . I want to know about yours . "

Ah , Dan Howell. Truly peculiar sometimes . No wonder others admired his personality , too .

" Y'know , I'll be honest with you. " Phil began softly , his voice hinting a tone of melancholy . " I don't want to be one of  _them_ because everyone calls them one thing .  _Monsters ._ Thing is , I don't wanna be a monster . I don't  _want_ to be labeled as something I don't want to be . But the thing is , if you're  _born_ a monster; you're a monster . You can't change anything about it . "

" You're not a monster. "

Phil's gaze instantly flew to Dan's as soon as that sentence left his lips . For once , he's heard something come out from someone's lips that sounded so . . . So  _genuine ,_ so real  . He didn't sound like he was lying , it sounded like he really  _meant_ it . For once , he wanted to  _believe_ a statement about him coming from someone else that wasn't negative. He wanted to believe that he wasn't a monster.

But before he could even reply , that flood of negative thoughts washed over his mind , drowning every single positive one.

_You're a monster , Philip . Just accept it.._

"  _Liar._ " He hissed sharply , his tone , voice , eyes and look suddenly darkening . He's set up that damn wall again , that  _mask_ that refuses to crack and show his true self to someone . That tough , cold facade of his .

Dan didn't know him. 

He didn't have the right to tell him what he was and what he wasn't.

" You're  _not._ " Dan convinced , voice shaking. It always scared him when Phil's voice darkened, when he suddenly became cold and distant . " You don't  _have_ to be this way. You didn't choose to be like this. "

" Yeah , but  _fate_ wants me to be this way. They've driven me to be a monster , even though I don't want to be one .  And no matter how hard I  _avoid_ to be a  _damn_ monster , fate's always finding ways to push me to my limits till I snap. " He says , voice stern. " Fate's the author of my book and they've written and labeled me as a  _monster._ What makes you think that  _I'm_ not a monster , anyway? You don't know me , Howell . "

He stood up , proceeding to leave Howell all alone . What's with this guy  , anyway? Why does he have the ability to hit too close to home?

" Phil , I- "

" Haven't I told you for the  _last_ time , Howell?! " He barked . " I don't want your  _goddamn_ pity. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for the joke lmao
> 
> also ive planned the entire story and am excited to finish it (: be prepared tbh its' supposed to be a huge rollercoaster of feelings lol  
> also notice how phil never swears except in his head
> 
> yeah
> 
> ( also rip sorry this was shorter than usual )": )


	8. i care ( please don't lie )

**07**

_" I don't want your goddamn pity. "_

What the _hell_ was wrong with him , anyway? Why can't he just accept his offer of sympathy? Surely , there wasn't anything wrong with feeling for someone ; wanting to _help_ someone , fix them . But in Phil's own little world , it _was ._ Phil acted as if he despised sympathy , as if he didn't need anyone; he was fine by himself. But as Dan looked into those big blue eyes of his ; he knew he wasn't . Why couldn't he just let go? Let him help him? Why did he kept pushing him away?

The _better_ question is; why was Dan so damn stubborn? He was close to giving up , but he didn't want to.

Why didn't he just let Phil be?

" Hello?? Dan? Daniel? Earth to _Dan_? " In front of him , Louise . Waving her hand in front of his face in hopes of grabbing his attention. " Look , buddy , I know you space out pretty often , but I don't _recall_ you spacing out in the middle of the hallway. "

That alone tore Dan away from his thoughts. " A-Ah , sorry . I was just-- "

" Whatever it is , it doesn't really matter. " She cut him off. " Me and the guys just wanted to say sorry for ditching you a while ago. _Sorta._ The council wanted to talk about the stupid prom that's _not_ even near . "

" It's fine , really. " Dan says with a reassuring grin. " It's your job , anyway. It's understandable. "

A concerned smile rings upon Louise's lips as she asks for reassurance once again , in which Dan responded by nodding.

" It's _your_ fault , anyway. You should've ran for president , you'd win by a landslide. " She said .

" Hey , if I _were_ the president , this school would be a hundred times worse. " Dan theorized. " Because _fuck_ responsibilities , right? "

Louise laughs , amused by her friend's antics. " I forgot that you were a _huge_ procrastinator. Anywho , what'd you do yesterday? Did you do some fanservice for your fans or somethin' ?

Ah , that's where Dan shut up. He bit his lip , unable to register a response . He only smiles at Louise with this unreadable look plastered on his face . Louise squints her eyes at the brunette , an eyebrow furrowing as she places a hand on her hip; tapping a foot impatiently.

" _Dan._ " Louise demanded , curiosity burning within her sapphire eyes.

" _Louise?_ " Dan spoke , innocence coating his words as slight anxiety was laced around it . He _knew_ Louise was suddenly suspicious of his sudden behavior , and if Louise was _curious_ about something; she wouldn't stop until she gets her answers. _Gulp._ He batted his eyelashes , feigning innocence.

" Don't play innocent , Howell. " She urged , snapping her fingers as she put on an angry expression. Alright , she wasn't really _angry._ But Dan was solemnly shady about anything , so if she didn't get answers pronto; curiosity will end up eating her . " I _know_ you're hiding something. "

Dan groaned , dropping the innocent act. It's better if he told him already rather than waiting for her to snap , _which_ technically means Louise begging her; bribing her and _shaking_ him , etc. Desperate actions just to get an answer from the brunette and _trust_ me; it wasn't worth hiding the truth.

" Alright , alright. _Geez,_ just don't-- Don't tell Chris _or_ Peej , alright? " Dan grumbled , scratching the back of his head. Louise nodded eagerly in response , though Dan was already betting she was going ' _fuck that '_ in her mind. Her are widened , ears perked up like a cat; craving to hear Dan's answer. _Who could say no to that face?_

Letting a sigh of defeat slipping out of his lips , he hesitantly said. " . . . I-- Uh , hung out with . . . _Phil_ yesterday. "

" PHIL?! " She practically _shrieked ,_ her loud booming voice echoing throughout the _entire_ hallway. A few heads turned over to their direction , whispers immediately ensuing after . Dan shot Louise a dirty glare , his expression screaming ' _what the actual fuck?!_ ' to which Louise responded with a goofy , innocent smile along with a " _Oops._ "

Well , this _was_ Louise . He isn't _that_ surprised. Dan lets out a disgruntled sigh , facepalming then letting his hand run over his face after. " If Phil hears about this , I swear to _God._ "

" Sorry! It's just surprising , hearing you hang out with Phil. " She giggled nervously , as if nothing happened. " You're basically polar opposites. "

" So I've been told. " He mumbles , face still covered with his hand . He _prayed_ Phil wouldn't found out about this. " We just talked and stuff , really . Nothing much happened. "

" Don't you _hate_ that guy , though? " She inquired , confusion rising once again. " Did some--- "

But before she could even finish her sentence , Dan walked away; ditching his friend. He waved goodbye , not bothering to look back. He didn't need anymore secrets to spill out . He didn't hate Louise or anything , but she was _horrible_ at keeping secrets . . . It's a part of her nature , he couldn't really blame her or anything.

Dan decided to at least do something productive this afternoon. They had an upcoming test the following day , and he _really_ wanted to ace this . Eventually , his own feet lead him to the library . The library was quiet , mostly described _boring_ by the majority and _really_ cold . It smelled of old books and coffee , the only sound you'll ever hear is the air conditioner's light noise and the typing of the students , along with occasional page flips . Nerds usually hung around here along with introverts . He'd assume _Phil_ would be here , too , but he wasn't .

The brunette settled himself on an empty table with _no_ students at all , but not before grabbing a book _(_ Algebra , apparently _)_. He could already hear murmurs around him , it being ' _Oh my gosh it's Dan Howell 's_ and _' He's so cute! '_ s , which were unfortunately shushed by the angry , hissing librarian . Seems like she was strict about all the library rules , the number one _obviously_ being ' _maintain silence_ ' . The students obliged , silencing themselves and returning to their work.

Dan's eyes read every line on the book without any ease , like he was only _forcing_ himself to read . None of the topics nor words interested him at all . See , _this_ was Dan's problem with studying; he wasn't _interested_ in those shitty topics at all , thus leading him to have no energy to studying . _Which_ is why he procrastinates a lot . But he _had_ to study , so the only way he could pass the test tomorrow was to force himself to study . Whether he liked it or not .

So he skimmed throughout the pages , not exactly reading _or_ processing anything , in hopes of remembering some details when he actually takes the test tomorrow. He could go ' _oh , I've read this! It was_ ' there , and ' _Ah , I remember this! it's '_ that . _Hopefully ._

His vision started to flicker , senses growing tired as eyelids wanted to flutter close . The day was pretty exhausting , he should at least take a nap . He was starting to doze off , head falling inch by inch. _No. I should be studying ! There's a test to-_

Needless to say , Dan ended up with his head on the book ; completely asleep.

* * *

The inside of his eyelids disappeared , presenting a completely silent and empty room . Dan groggily sat up , rubbing his eyes as a tired yawn emits out of him . _Where'd everyone go?_ His instincts caused him to glance at the window , only to see a pitch black sky ; only hope of light were the lamp stands . The crickets were singing their usual song as always . It took a brief moment till realization struck over to the boy.

_Shit ! I fell asleep !_

He immediately grabbed his phone from his pocket , tapping it open . ' _6:05 '_ was flashed on his screen , big and in a plain font . Apparently , he slept for _too long_ and the librarian or anyone else in the room didn't even bother to wake him up. _Tsk._ His parents must have been super worried by now ! He could always explain what happened , right? It may appear as stupid and almost unbelievable , but it was true!

He snagged his bag and sprinted off to the door , exiting the library after turning off the lights . There didn't seem to be anyone left in the room , anyway . Dan assumed that the only the teachers , janitors and _some_ students were left . Probably the whole student council , discussing the prom and whatnot . He didn't want to bother his friends who were presumably with the council , probably _really really_ busy . The hallway was unusually quiet as he exited , but was surprised as he saw someone by the door . . . Waiting for him , perhaps _?_

It was no other than Philip Michael Lester himself.

" You're _finally_ awake. " He muttered , grabbing him by the bag and leading him out the school. " Didn't know you were the type who'd fall asleep while studying. "

" Phil , wh- "

" Being the _prince_ of the school and all , I've honestly expected you to have a limo or at least a car to fetch you. " Phil remarked , leaving Dan's sentence unfinished. " Apparently not. Didn't know you _walked_ or at least took the bus when you go home . "

" I- "

" _But_ thanks to your stupidity , you fell asleep _therefore_ missed the bus. Sad , guess you have to walk , then. " He cut him off once again . _Rude._ " It's dark , though. Can't go home alone. I think we've established _why._ "

" Can you _please_ just let me- "

" Hey , you look _prettier_ with your mouth shut. " Phil declared , hitting him hard by punching his bag . For some reason , _that_ managed to shut Dan up , which was possibly Phil's goal. He was even _blushing_ at the very moment , damnit ! It was just a compliment! He received compliments _every day!_ Why the hell was he blushing?! " Wow. You really kept quiet , believing in my stupid opinion. But that's okay , I _prefer_ you with your mouth zipped. Your obnoxiousness ruins your prettiness. "

The brunette raised a finger , opening his mouth wanting to protest . Yet , the thought faltered making him drop the finger and close his mouth . Phil smirked triumphantly , glad that he chose to say nothing . Phil didn't want to have a nonstop talking Dan as he lead him home , that would _possibly_ be the death of him . Hell , he didn't even know why was he helping him the first place. He could have been watching Anime or Buffy right now while eating popcorn , but here he was ! Helping Howell once again . What was _with_ him that made him want to protect him? He surely didn't want to enter school the next day and hear that Dan was absent . Possibly due to . . . _Horrible_ stuff , Phil didn't want to say it . Or even _think_ about it in general . He still couldn't believe disgusting people like that bald man exist.

_Speaking of the bald man , where the hell did he go?_

_Probably dead._

_Did I kill him?_

_Not like I care._

_Ha , I'm such a beast. I lack a heart . I don't even care if I've killed someone._

_. . . Monster._

He sighs , throwing both of his arms behind his back . Dan clutched to his bag tightly , holding both of it's straps _tightly._ Must have some valuable stuff in there , Phil observed . His bag looked heavy and full , unlike his; empty and light . His ebony backpack only contained a pencil case , approximately 2-3 books and 2 notebooks . He'd leave everything else in his locker , not giving a fuck about homework and projects. His partners usually volunteered to do the project alone , in fear of Phil beating them up if they didn't . Truthfully , Phil wouldn't even _dare_ to pick a hair from their head as long as they didn't bother him. He let them do the project , anyway . He didn't have the energy to argue.

But Dan looked so _tired ,_ and that weight on his bag surely didn't help him one bit . " Hey , Howell. Give me your bag. " Phil suggested , delicately pulling the bag from him. Grasping to the straps tighter , Dan frowned as he looked at Phil. Did he want to check something inside? Steal something? No , Phil wouldn't do that . He's pretty much proved to Dan that he wasn't _that_ bad of a guy.

" Why? "

Rolling his eyes , Phil decided to use force and yanked the bag off of his shoulders. He has successfully done so , thanks to his strength. With that accomplished , he throws the strap over to _his_ own shoulder , and _damn_ it was heavy. But it was better than having to see Dan carry it.

" It's better when you're not carrying something as heavy as _this ,_ is it not? " Phil said , a small smile visible on his lips. Dan mumbled his ' _thanks ' ,_ though confused by Phil's sudden gesture of kindness.

The walk to home was even more pleasant than he expected it to be . It was just him and Phil walking to his home , silence filling the atmosphere between them . The cold breeze of the wind brushed off their cheeks , whispering mumbles to their ears . It sent chills to his spine , so much _thanks_ to his sensitive skin. _Ugh._ The shorts weren't helping at all! So was the shirt ! He _should have_ worn a sweater instead!

Then he heard Phil grunt . He dropped the two bags on the floor only to take off his shadow black coat , revealing his white shirt and slightly toned arms . God , even his _chest_ was slightly visible through that thin shirt . Like a loving boyfriend , Phil wraps his jacket around Dan. And he doesn't care if he's said this a lot of times , but that _smell_ of his was something he always liked . Strong cologne mixed with cigarettes , it surely was something.

Phil grabbed both of the bags again , resuming their walk.

" You should wear shorts and shirts more often. " Phil proposed , finally ending the awkward silence. Guess he didn't like it , either. " It suits you. "

A tinge of pink crawls over to Dan's cheeks which seemed to be the 3829th _time_ this week. Ack , what was _with_ him and blushing!? " Y-You think s-so? "

" Mhm. Definitely better than your everyday sweaters and pants. Gets a bit boring , y'know? Try something new . " And that signature cocky smirk of his was on his lips again . " Just proves that I have a _pretty good_ sense of fashion , even if it's _your_ fashion sense. Haha. "

Dan rolled his eyes , unimpressed by his prideful remark. He playfully shoved Phil only to earn a chorus of laughter erupt from his throat. " Haha! I'm kidding , I'm kidding! It wasn't that hard , anyway. Sure, finding a store that sells your damn aesthetic took a while , but I pretty much just grabbed a random shirt and short , and voila! Just happened to fit you. Pure coincidence , I swear! I don't know _anything_ bout your light n' pastel aesthetic. "

" Course you don't. You're all _black_. " He snorted , chuckling as well. " Black and dark blue , maybe. Also grey and white. Your aesthetic's the complete _opposite_ of mine. "

" Just proves that we have _lots_ of difference , pretty boy. " He says. " That _you're_ the protagonist , and _I'm_ the antagonist . But it's not really common for the protagonist and antagonist to hang out . Yet there's a statement that _in every rule there's an exception ,_ so I guess _your_ story doesn't have to have a cruel antagonist . Ha , _lucky._ "

' _But you're not the antagonist . '_ Dan wanted to say , but chose not to . He refused to believe that Phil was evil. He may look intimidating , cruel and one who'd kill you without a care- But he wasn't. He _knew_ he wasn't . Deep down inside , there was an explanation for his ways. He could see it in his eyes. However , he was afraid he was going to say something that'll make Phil mad again- Just like the ' _I don't need your pity '_ thing . He couldn't take anymore of that.

So , instead , he laughed it off. " Y-Yeah , I guess. "

The rest of the walk was quiet and peaceful. A moment of serenity for the duo after a pretty normal day. It was pretty satisfying .

* * *

Days turned into weeks; Weeks turned into months . School's most popular prince and feared wolf became what you'd call friends.

Even though him and Phil were _exact polar opposites_ according to both themselves and practically the _entire damn school;_ they happened to be alike in so many ways , too . They liked the same type of music , like the same bands , the same games , shows , _you_ name it . Eventually , they got along . Dan assumed that they were _friends_ already , though Phil himself never really declared so. But hey , they hung out together pretty much everyday- Phil talked to him and was already comfortable around him . That's what _friends_ are , right?

Phil was a good friend , too . Like he did with the bald man encounter , he defended Dan every single time he needed defense . He supported him , taught him and shit . He even helped him study because for _Christ's sake ,_ Phil was a fucking _genius._ He was unbelievably smart , no wonder the teachers tried to look past his intimidating nature!

Others have assumed that they were practically dating. The other girls wanted to beat Phil and ruin his reputation for that or something else horrible , but knowing that it was _Phil Lester;_ the thought only remained as a thought . Fighting Phil was a _horrible_ mistake . Some of the boys even said Howell was wasting his beauty on someone like Phil , which Dan hated . First of all , they _weren't_ dating. Second of all , how _dare_ they speak shit about Phil like that?!

The school newspaper even asked him _and_ Phil if they were dating which they immediately denied with no hesitation. Phil didn't do _any_ talking for his part , but Dan did all the explanation. " We're just friends. " He'd say , then would look at Phil for reassurance. Phil didn't do anything for a response . He didn't even nod his head or anything , he simply stood there with an unamused look painted on his face . Yet that alone sufficed for the newspaper .

But _then again ,_ these ' fangirls ' were inevitable . Hell , some of them strongly _believed_ that they were dating . They said they made a really cute couple , even made a stupid ship name for them _(_ that being ' _Phan '_ _)_. Even called themselves ' _Phangirls '_ and their fanclub the ' _Phandom '_ and _goddamn ,_ the pun was _horrible ._ But that wasn't the end of it , they've annoyed Dan by saying that he and Phil were _Phantastic_ to-- The puns never ceased. He found it both funny and annoying . Phil , on the other hand , found it _annoying_ alone .

Thing was , he hated being the center of attention. That's why he mostly only hung around with Dan these days when they were alone and there wasn't too many people to see them.

Today , Dan was looking for Phil . He didn't seem to be anywhere , and it was lunch time . They usually hung out in the playground where they were alone , where they would play as if they were little kids or at least just talk . But he wasn't there- He wasn't _anywhere_ to be found.

" So , _you're_ the dude who broke my girlfriend's heart ?! "

" Nathan , please! "

There seems to be drama happening in classroom. Dan peeked inside to watch the events unfold , only to see 3 people inside . There's _Nathan ,_ looking furious with anger burning within his green eyes . Then one girl with chocolate brown skin , which he recognizes to be _Melissa._ And in Nathan's hand , was the neck of--

_Phil?!_

He looked stiffened , frozen; unable to fight back. He didn't seem like he wanted to fight back. Instead , he simply stood there , letting Nathan tighten his grip around his tattooed neck.

" How _dare_ you break her heart? Tricking her and _telling_ her you loved her , when in the end you'll be a dick and tell her that _everything_ was a lie! " The blonde exclaimed , hitting him squarely on his nose ; causing blood to spurt out from it . But Phil didn't fight back. He just stood there , letting everything happen and letting himself get beaten up and bruised.

A string of curse words slipped out of Nathan's lips , a series of violent actions thrown to Phil . He punched him , kicked him , beat him up but Phil didn't move . He didn't _want_ to and didn't dare to do so . Phil could have passed out if it wasn't for Melissa , who forcibly dragged the boy out of the room ; leaving a bruised and broken Phil slumped against the wooden wall.

Melissa and Nathan didn't seem to see Dan . After they've exit the room , Dan sprinted inside to check on Phil.

" Phil! " He exclaimed as he ran to him , dropping to his knees as he trailed his hands to his bloody cheeks. " What hap- "

" Shut the _fuck_ up . " Phil cursed , slapping his hand away from him . And god , the bitterness in his tone made him _shake ._ He could feel those damn goosebumps raise despite being scared . Phil didn't swear , he _never_ does . But he just did , and god _fucking_ damnit it was _terrifying_ when he did. " Stop acting like you care. Drop the act while you're at it. "

Dan was both terrified and confused. What? _What act?_ And he _did_ care! If he didn't , he'd leave him alone all bloody and with bones broken. " W-What _act_ are you talking about?! And I _do_ care ! What the heck are you sayin- "

" You _do_ care , huh?! " Phil barked , venom lacing his words as he shot him an icy cold glare. God , he hasn't seen him do _that_ in what seems like forever . " Then why the _fuck_ did you just _fucking_ stand there and watched me get beaten up?! Tell me , _why?_ "

The brunette flinched whenever he swore . He was lost for words. He didn't know what he should say , and was afraid that whatever he'd say was going to be wrong and then he'll get even _angrier-_ " B-Because I was scared ! And he might beat _m-_ "

" Yep! Knew it. You're _scared ,_ aren't you? But you didn't even bother to try and _help_ me?! What the _heck?_ If you _did_ care , you'd risk your bloody life to help me! " Phil was really angry. Dan felt like crying again . He was right. " But what'd I expect? You're fucking _Daniel James Howell._ A selfish prick. I should have _expected._ "

" I'm sorry then! " He yelled back , biting his lip and refused to let any tears to come out. " But I'm here now ! And I'm going to- "

" Just . Just _stop ,_ Dan. This is all a bet , isn't it? " A hopeless chuckle . A hopeless smile , a hopeless look. Phil ran his hand over his bloody , bruised face and stared at the blood that was on his nose. " Tell your stupid friends of yours you've won the bet . You don't have to do this. "

" W-What are you- ? "

" Just tell me please . It's all a bet , isn't it? " He sobbed . He could see his eyes watering . He wanted to cry , too . Did Dan break his mask again? He didn't mean to. He didn't like to see Phil like this , although it helps him solve the mystery about him. " Please . . . _Dan._ I . . . It's just a bet , isn't it? You've won- You've made Phil _fucking_ Lester look after you . You've tamed the big bad wolf . Mission accomplished . Just . . . Just leave me alone. "

But Dan didn't . He didn't leave him alone.

Instead , he threw his arms around Phil and swallowed him into a warm embrace. He hugged him tightly , protecting him from any danger that wanted to hurt him. Phil's head rested against Dan's neck , inhaling his sweet sweet aroma . He still smelled like candy , _heh ._ Phil ran his fingers to Dan's chocolate brown hair , pulling him closer; hugging him as well.

" There's no bet , Phil. I wouldn't treat you like that . I'm not the person you think I am . " He sobbed . Phil could feel something wet drip on his back. _Was he crying . . .?_ " I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not helping you. I'm sorry for being a dick . _I'm sorry , I'm sorry , I'm sorry- "_

 _" Shhh. "_ Phil shushed him , wrapping the other arm around his back as he pulled him closer . Dan was so warm , it felt so nice hugging him. But Phil was so cold , but Dan endured that . As long as Phil was okay , he was fine . He just wanted to protect this porcelain , fragile person who pretended to be tough when deep down inside , he was already broken . " I'm sorry for snapping at you. I _just . . ._  " Phil's voice trailed off , _horrible_ flashbacks flashing in his mind . _No. Don't think about that , don't remind yourself of that . Stop Phil , stop . No , stop . Please , I-_

_" Silly , little Philip. " An old voice echoed in his mind , laughing at him mockingly. " Why did you think I was in love with you? That I cared about you? Who the hell would even care about a pathetic being like you? "_

_His laughter echoed in his mind . He laughed and laughed and laughed . And it hurt , it hurt , it hurt . He hated that voice. He hated that laughter . He hated this feeling , this familiar agonizing pain that he felt in his chest whenever he was reminded of . . . Of him._

Suddenly , Phil pulled Dan away from him; tearing their embrace . He pushed him away , leaving Dan dumbfounded .

" P-Phil--- _?_  "

" _Please ,_ Dan. " Phil cried , hot wet tears  streaming down his cheeks . He buried his face with his hands . He cried . He cried so much . Wolves don't cry like this . Princes were supposed to be crying because of him , a wolf  .  And this wolf was crying because of a _prince ._

_Him._

" It's all a bet , right?! Please . . . _!_ Please tell me ! " He grabs both of his shoulders , shaking him- Crying , desperate for assurance . " It's-- It's just a bet! I don't want to-- I don't want to be. . . to be. . .  Please , Dan , I-I. . . "

He buried his head in his chest , a sobbing mess . Dan didn't know what the _heck_ was Phil talking about , but he sounded so broken . So  _vulnerable ._ Instead of asking what the heck he means , he runs his lithe fingers in his black and blue hair , his free hand rubbing his back in hopes of comforting him.

_This boy was even more broken than he thought._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so wtf is phil talking about
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> someday.


	9. fight for you

**TW : Use of slurs , violence.**

**08**

" You shouldn't really fight often , y'know? "

Dan hadn't realize how many wounds he needed to tend , despite his lack of interest when it comes to violence . He  _still_ had those bruises from past fights , along with the one from that  _pedophile ._ But now , his main priority was his face ; which included fresh wounds and a black eye from the fight earlier . He _still_ had a bleeding nose , his black eye certainly wasn't healing at all . He looked so badly beaten up that Dan couldn't help but feel sorry for him , but even with these bruises and damages- Phil  _still_ managed to look like the beautiful human he is .

" But fighting's my forte. " Phil protested , his voice husky. " I've been doing it for who knows how long. "

" But it  _isn't_ good for you. " Dan interjected as if he were his dad , or  _boyfriend_ even. " The more you damage yourself , the worse. You might just  _die_ one day , y'know? "

" It's not like anyone would care if I die , anyway. "

A frown appears on Dan's face at Phil's negativity . As much as he contemplated about life and death sometimes  _(_ AKA having an  _existential crisis_ _)_ , he's tried his very best to avoid such topics  _especially_ this year . But it seems like Phil's quite the contrary . He wanted to have a fully positive year , yet with the aim to help Phil , it looks like he's obliged to deal with the boy's negativity if he wishes to aim success in this task. 

"  _Phil_. . . " 

And there he goes , putting on an expression to show that he doesn't give a shit . But the thing is , he  _does ._ It saddens him that no one would really care if he'd disappear , his Grandma an exception perhaps . Or that's what he at least  _thinks ._

But seeing the sadness pooling Dan's big brown eyes made him think otherwise.

" Don't look at me like that. " He says , tearing his gaze away from his. " It's- It's whatever. "

That only stretches the frown on Dan's' face .

However , it doesn't stop him from tending Phil's wounds . He wraps gauze around his bruised arm but not before he applies alcohol on it , earning a sharp '  _ow '_ to hiss out from Phil.

" Sorry. " He mutters , a small apologetic smile on his face. " But it's for your own good. "

And Phil sits there , trying to tolerate the pain as Dan does his thing . His blue eyes linger to his brown hair adorned with a variety of flowers that formed a crown . He looked like a  _real_ prince , a flower prince specifically .  _As if a flower kingdom exists. This ain't no goddamn fairytale._

_Speaking of fairytales. . ._

" Why are you so kind to me , Howell? " He questions him whilst he dabs a damp cotton on his broken nose. He winces , he flinches and hisses every time he'd feel a flash of pain . He's able to endure it , anyway- The pain was bearable . He's felt a lot of things more painful than  _this._

Countless numbers of '  _sorry '_ s he'd mutter every time Phil would show that he was in pain. It was unavoidable , he couldn't really blame Phil for complaining too much . " Because everyone deserves kindness . " Dan quoted. " And  _you're_ part of everyone. "

" In every rule , there's an exception. " Phil interjects. The brunette gently sticks a bandage on his slightly healed nose , he was finally done tending those damn injuries . " I believe  _I'm_ an exception , Dan. "

" How come? " He doesn't believe a single word Phil says.

" Because  _you're_ a Prince , and I'm a _Wo_ _lf._ "  Phil simply states as if it was the most obvious thing in the entire world. "  _I'm_ the evil and  _you're_ the good . "

" But you're  _not_ evil. " He protests . " I know you're not. "

It only takes one look at Dan to know that his words are genuine , that his words are sincere . His eyebrows were frowning , brown eyes clouded with sympathy and his expression was blue . He didn't like it , not one bit . He wasn't used to a sad , frowning Dan- He preferred the Dan that smiled brightly , not this . He sighs , standing up from the clinic's bed after grabbing his bag .

" _You're so damn stubborn , Howell._ " He mutters. " _What am I supposed to do with you?_ "

* * *

 

The regular usual events occur . Classes happened , time flew by , Phil walked Dan home and Phil went straight to his job . As much as Dan wished to tag along with Phil to admire the plants , Phil immediately dismissed him and told him he was better off at his own home . Dan didn't quite like Phil's decision , but reluctantly followed anyway . He didn't want to argue with Phil anytime soon.

Now here he was , comfy in his taffy pink sheets as the air conditioner's breeze kept the atmosphere chilly . Being the rebel he is , he acted as if there was no homework- Therefore  _ditched_ it and decided that browsing the internet would be better . He was scrolling down the depths of Tumblr as he chatted with Louise via text . This was  _way_ better than shitty Math and Biology homework for sure , he only  _prays_ his parents won't find out and force him to do that damn task.

**To : Lou (・ω・)**

god i'm too lazy to do hw talk to me louise

**Fr : Lou (・ω・)**

jfc i should have expected . you didn't need to tell me tho  
  it's obvious . what u wanna talk about tho????

**To :  Lou (・ω・)**

idk i suck @ topics . hmu w/ one.

**Fr :** **Lou (・ω・)**

hm i'm reading this rlly good book atm tho !!

**To :  Lou (・ω・)**

god u kno i dont like reading :/// better than  
 nothing tho so lmao what's it about

**Fr :  Lou (・ω・)**

okay i might have lied it's. . .  p much fanfiction tbh wahaha.  
  im not telling which otp it is tho , figure it out urself  ;)

**To :  Lou (・ω・)**

you have like 418913 otps tho ugh . anyway , what happened??

**Fr :  Lou (・ω・)**

idk it's p cute but i cant explain it?? like you know those  
  secret messages in papers where they have to color / shade  
  a certain part of the paper or smth then there's a message   
  there.  that's p much crappily explained but u get my ponit

**To :  Lou (・ω・)**

wtf do u mean

**Fr :** **Lou (・ω・)**

god i knew it . 

**To :  Lou (・ω・)**

haha im kidding i get you dw 

Much to his dismay , she stopped replying after that . He buried his face in his duvet , rolling around in his bed unable to come up with an activity that'll entertain him . He could always watch some anime , but he didn't know what specific series was good. His eyes wandered around his entire room , glancing at the fairy lights that were draped around certain corners . His ceiling was painted like a colorful galaxy much to his request and aesthetic . His room was pretty much his haven , filled with the things he loved and adored .

He then caught the glimpse of the Totoro plushie he received months ago. Months have passed , and he  _still_ didn't know who the heck gave him that damned thing . Jumping up from his bed , he took the note that came along with the stuffed animal from his drawer . He couldn't help but realize that the handwriting as  _vaguely_ familiar now- As if he's seen this handwriting before , but his mind didn't bother to click . On the very corner , though , the texture of the paper didn't seem too smooth . It was as if someone had written something there with a dull material , like a pen that didn't have ink. He then remembered what Louise had texted , maybe  _this_ was what she meant .

Grabbing a crayon from his desk , he lightly colors the said part . It then displays two letters with a small heart.

_'  M.L ❤ '_

Ugh , really?!  Secret names?! It was  _better_ when these names were anonymous to him , but  _now_ he knows who sent it yet whoever they were , hid their identity under some secret pen name? He was going to  _obsess_ on finding whoever this person was . Dan grumbled , scrunching the little paper into a ball and threw it on the side of his room. Why was finding love so damn difficult for him?! Most important ,  _who the hell is M.L?_

Someday , he'd know . He  _wishes_ he'd know.

* * *

 

Everything was going fine and perfect just like every other day . Dan was telling them on how he was so  _close_ on finding this ' secret admirer ' of his , meanwhile PJ and the others told him that they'd gladly help them find whoever this person was . They just had to find every single person with the initials ' M.L ' and inquire them. With two specific initials , it  _hopefully_ wouldn't be that hard , right?

_Hopefully._

It was the usual routine . Eating while exchanging funny stories , laughter ensuing after so . It was but another day for him and his friends , except for the fact that he hasn't seen Phil  _anywhere._ Was he sick again? Why didn't he tell him? Ack , he didn't even have his damn  _phone number!_ What a horrible friend he was.

" Oi. " A familiar voice calls out , and no , it  _wasn't_ Phil for your information . Though he wishes it _was._  "  _You're_ Dan Howell , aren't you? "

Dan turns around only to see the face of the person who beat Phil yesterday.  _Nathan._ Along with a bunch of croonies he guessed were his friends , or squad members maybe , whatever they were- It looked like their intentions  _weren't_ good at all , coming from the scowls and glares painted on their faces . Louise was already frowning at the situation , it was  _not_ looking pretty at all. PJ and Chris on the other hand were ready to beat up whoever they needed to beat up .

Dan , however , still had that signature sweet smile of his . It didn't dare to falter . He  _knew_ that they were up to no good , but they couldn't possibly hate him or anything-  _Right?_

" Yes. " He granted , pride evident in his tone . How could they  _not_ know that he was Dan? Were these guys living under a  _rock?_ He expected them to smile or laugh or something else , but instead , their scowls and glares grew . A shiver ran down the boy's back , anxiety filling up his system.  _What could they possibly want from him?_

" So  _you're_ the idiot my girlfriend keeps talking about. " He hisses , causing Dan to flinch. " No , scratch that ,  _our_ girlfriends . It's a bit  _annoying_ to hear them talk about some guy instead of  _us._ God , do you have some secret charm or something?! "

He couldn't really blame their girlfriends for talking about him. Maybe it  _was_ indeed his charm , but that wasn't his fault right? " So? "

" Don't  _so_ me , Howell. " The other barked , causing warmth to spit on the boy's face. " You're doing this on purpose , aren't you?! Wearing flower crowns , putting on an innocent look  _just_ to catch attention from others _!_ And judging from your looks , you  _like_ being an attention  _whore ,_ don't you?! "

The brunette winced at his choice of words .  _Ouch ._ That hit him , and the smile on his face nearly cracked into a frown . He  _wanted_ to defend himself , but his kindness didn't let him. He was  _right_ after all , he didn't have the right to protest . So , instead , he simply turns away from them and chooses to ignore them.  _They're not worth your time , Dan._

Suddenly , he felt strong arms grab him by the collar , forcing him to face an angry Nathan . He could feel his breath against his face , could clearly see the fury burning within his eyes . He was  _sure_ angry with Dan , and he  _surely_ despised him with a burning passion. Thing is , Dan isn't  _used_ to having people attack him . Sure , he's got haters , but none of them  _actually_ dared to hurt him . He was scared . He didn't like where this was going.

" Listen here you little  _slut ._ " Whisper shouted Nathan , forcing Dan to listen attentively . " I  _know_ you've dated some of our chicks before but broke up with them anyway. They couldn't stop talking about you . So  _stay away_ from them , got me?  _Especially_ Melissa. Just hook up with that punk bitch , yeah? You're better off with him anyway. You're both  _equally_ pathetic. "

PJ wanted to stand up and beat the shit out of Nathan as soon as he grabbed Dan. Chris and Louise stopped him , knowing that Dan didn't want him to fight back too .  Eventually , Nathan let go of  Dan; throwing him away roughly as if he were some garbage . Dan blinked back the tears that wished to escape his eyes ,  _don't cry , don't cry- Not in front of them. Not in front of anyone._ Louise immediately hopped  next to Dan's side to comfort him , swallowing him in a tight embrace. Nathan and his buddies stormed away sooner or later , but not before shooting Dan a dirty look and mouthing him a threat.

'  _You better watch out , Howell. '_

He wanted to cry right there and right now . He really wasn't used to people hurting him , considering that  _this_ was the very first time . The entire cafeteria was in silence as they watched the events unfold . It really hurt , having someone hate him for solely being himself . But what  _hurt_ even more was him expecting someone to save him , but nobody came.  _Phil_ didn't come- Phil didn't save him.

God. Was this karma for yesterday?

Guess it's true what they say about karma.

Karma  _was_ a bitch indeed.

* * *

 It was afternoon and the students were getting ready to leave . There were countless mutterings and murmurs about what had happened in the cafeteria not so long ago , and it seemed to be about  _Dan._ Others gave him sympathetic looks , others feeling sorry for him or pitying him for what he had gone through. Others , however , were glaring at him and shooting him dirty looks . Looks like they agree with Nathan , him being a  _slut_ for dating a lot of students and an  _attention whore_ for looking ' cute

The room was once again silenced as a person strutted down the hallway. He had a cigarette in his mouth , blowing out puffs of smoke as if it didn't matter. Dan didn't need to glance behind to figure out who it was .

" I also heard that Nath beat the  _shit_ out of Lester yesterday. " One of Nathan's friends gossiped . " Heard that he was pretty  _pathetic_ and weak. "

Their venomous words didn't seem to affect Phil at  _all ,_ for he simply continued to walk as if nothing happened.

Smirking , Nathan nodded. " Hell  _yeah._ " He confirms , " He was such a pathetic little wimp. He didn't even do a thing about it . Don't really get how everyone's scared of that  _punk ._ Sure , his looks shout that he could kill a man , but his actions are  _useless._ Haha ,  _no-_ _What_ actions? "

His group erupted in a chorus of laughter at Nathan's response . Phil  _still_ seemed neutral . However , he looked like he was approaching Nathan himself . Nathan on the other hand , didn't really seem to care. The boy had a smug and cocky grin on his face , leaning against the lockers with his arms crossed . It was as if he was saying '  _came back for another beat down? '_ which Dan didn't like . He wanted to stop Phil , but his body chose not to.  _Not after what happened a while ago._

" Speak of the devil. " The blonde murmured , " Here he is . The  _loser_ him- "

His sentence was cut short as Phil flew a punch to his face . And gosh , it was a  _strong_ one. Blood spewed out of his nose with one single punch , and it looks like Phil broke his nose's bridge , too .

"  _That's_ for being an asshole. " Phil spat in a flat tone , his face emotionless. Nathan was supposed to bring himself back on his feet , but Phil immediately  _kicked_ him by the stomach as hard as he could . The idiot started spitting out blood after that.

" And  _here's_ for being a dick. " He barked out , grabbing his collar and holding him tightly by the neck. He pinned him against the lockers with his hand , and flew a series of hard punches on his face; beating him up  _mercilessly_ like he did with the bald man. Only this time  _worse_ and in front of dozens of students. It was complete silence instead of people yelling '  _fight! fight! fight! '_ numerous times , it was as if they were  _terrified_ of Phil.

" And  _this_ is for calling Dan a whore. " He barked , hitting him by the eye leaving quite a mark. Nathan's ' buddies ' didn't bother to help him . They've pretty much ran away by now , saving themselves from Phil. He kicked the poor boy in the stomach one last time with his knee , earning a sharp '  _ow! '_ to emit from his lips. " And lastly ,  _this_ is for calling Dan a  _slut ._ You fucking  _idiot ,_ how  _dare_ you talk to Dan that way?! "

The blonde was pretty much a whimpering and sobbing mess after that . The entire hallway was silenced; dumbfounded , unable to find any words to say after what had happened . With bloody hands , Phil approached Dan and grabbed him by his bag.

" Let's go. " He commands , pulling him away . " These people aren't worth my time. That boy isn't worth  _your_ time , either. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip this was shorter than usual but  
> protective phil gives me life ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	10. foolish mistake

**09**

When someone leads someone to somewhere , they usually hold their hand , right?

But in Dan and Phil's case , Phil  _always_ held Dan by his bag or the back of his shirt . Never did he hold his hand , and he never intended to too.

Dan didn't know where Phil was dragging him to . He's been holding his bag quite tightly for a while , walking in a brisk pace though it seemed more like  _stomping._ Dan had no choice but to follow him but he would be lying if he'd say he wasn't anxious or in slight pain.

" P-Phil. " The brunette whined , attempting to shake his grasp off his bag . Phil , however , ignored Dan's whimpering . He had a cold expression on his face , an angry one maybe. " P-Phil  _!_ Let me go _!_ "

 _Scrunch , scrunch._ Goes his feet thumping angrily against the grass . His gaze was directed to the path he was taking , not daring to catch a glimpse of Dan's hurt face. Dan didn't like this Phil , he seemed rougher and meaner than the Phil he knew . " Ph-Phil , please- _!_ " He cried out , terrified . Why was he acting so strange all of a sudden?

Letting out a bitter '  _tsk '_ , he frees Dan's bag from his tight grasp and shoves him away . He , too , didn't  _know_ why the hell was he acting this way . But one thing for sure ,  _guilt_ was burning in his chest for what happened a while ago. He left an astounded and confused Dan , marching off to the cliff nearby . He set himself near the edge , where the view was breathtaking and the breeze was warm. He takes out a cigarette , lighting it and placing it between his teeth . Running pale fingers in his ebony fringe , he pulls it in frustration as a curse word escapes his lips.

Meanwhile , Dan  _still_ didn't know what Phil was upset about . He hesitantly walks over to Phil , plopping himself beside him gently . He could inhale the smoke he was exhaling , but he learned to get used to it anyway . The view , however ,  _was_ indeed jaw-dropping . The sun was kissing the horizon , presenting the duo a wonderful sunset . A flock of birds pass by that accompanied the racing clouds , the breeze was warm and certainly cooling . Knowing Phil , he assumed he visited this place once in a while.

There was once again awkward silence between them. Dan pulls his leg near his face , glancing at Phil's bitter expression. His eyebrows were furrowed , eyes pooled with distress and lips formed a scowl. Dan frowned , unable to figure out what the  _heck_ was he mad about.

" I'm such a loser. " Phil muttered out suddenly , as if he read the brunette's mind . Well , at least  _that_ answered his question. . . Sorta.

Glimpsing at Phil , Dan looked at him with confusion dancing on his face. " What are you saying , Phil? "

" I wasn't there when Nathan attacked you. " He admits as if it were  _his_ fault. Then he murmured something Dan couldn't exactly decipher .

 _Aw ,_ was he concerned? That was something he didn't expect to come out from Phil . " It's alright. " He convinces him , giving him a reassuring smile. " It's not your fault. "

He didn't say anything after that . They both continue to watch the sun set and the sky descend off to a dark blue gradient . Soon enough , there stars started to emerge and the moon decided to show herself . Phil lays on his back , crystal blue eyes lingering on the sky.

" Y'know. " Phil finally speaks up , breaking fragile silence. " When I look at the stars , I have hope for the world. "

He lays down on the green grass just beneath the canvas of the dark blue sky . Thousands of stars illuminate the dark painting , twinkling like diamonds ; accompanying the moon's faint white gleam . It was a peaceful sight to look at , even better than the morning sky or possibly even the sunset . 

" Why _?_ " He asks , though the answer was obvious therefore such a question was stupid.

" They're beautiful. Unlike everything else in this  _wretched_ place. " 

 Dan doesn't know how to exactly respond to a statement he disagrees with. In contrary to his belief , he always knew that the world was a place that was filled with beauty and colors. But it wasn't built to be perfect , hence the quote  _nobody's perfect._

" The world's not  _that_ ugly. " The brunette reasoned. " Maybe you're just looking at it in the wrong way. "

" You  _can't_ tell me how to view the world , Daniel. You've been living in that happy bubble of yours for too long to know what it feels like to be like  _me._ " The black haired countered , voice sharp and tone cold. His expression , however , remained as neutral as ever . He was too stubborn to believe any of Dan's words .

"  _Exactly._ I've been living in my happy bubble for too long , but  _you've_ been living in that dark place of yours for  _too_ long. You aren't going to get any satisfactory or happiness if you stay there forever. Don't you think it's time to move on to another state rather than staying in melancholy for eternity? " Dan objects , voice straining . Phil didn't even bother to argue anymore , it felt too demanding to come up with a witty reply to oppose to Dan's answers. Instead , he throws that cigarette of his to the side ,eyes concentrating on the starry night sky.

" Think of it this way , Dan. " He would demand considerately , his voice calm unlike before. " If  _your_ world's full of sunshine ,  _mine's_ filled with dark , hazy clouds that blocks the sun . It's raining almost everyday , those  _stupid_ clouds never gave the sun a chance to shine. Sometimes , the storm would fade away; but it's  _still_ there . Yet every now and then , it gets  _stronger._ It's not like how  _your_ world's built , Howell. "

" But after a rain comes a rainbow. " The brown haired would interject . He struggled to be as positive as possible , hearing Phil's words of negativity was truly  _sickening ._ It was safe to say that Dan didn't like it one bit. " I assure you everything will be better . You'll find a rainbow one day , accompanied by sunshine too. "

" Quit with that  _everything will get better_ crap , it's complete BS. " He'd say as he'd roll his eyes , not willing to believe whatever Dan was saying for one second. " I've been waiting for that damn sun to rise ever since I was a kid. Hasn't come up yet. Safe to say that I'm  _not_ allowed to be happy at all . That's just how they designed my  _damn_ part in this stupid tale. "

For a long time , the two remained silent . Arguing over deep things was unnecessary as of the moment.

Alternatively , they lay beneath the night sky painted with countless diamonds . They gawk at it's beauty , appreciating the moment of peace offered to them.

" But . . . Honestly. " Phil starts , and Dan turns to look at him . His expression softened; blue eyes filled with serenity accompanied by a voice coated with tranquility. " When night comes , those clouds decide to fade away every once in a while . No , there's no moment of bliss or happiness . Instead , I get amity instead . Complete , utter peace . And I must say ,  _this_ is the only view that gives me hope to continue on living. "

Dan couldn't help but smile slightly at his words.  _At least he isn't that pessimistic._

And then out of the blue , Phil turns to Dan ; forcing blue to meet brown.

Dan hadn't really realized how  _blue_ Phil's eyes were . They consist of so many shades of blue ; azure blue , midnight blue , sapphire , crystal-  _You_ name it . But what was  _so_ damn fascinating about them was how they reminded the boy of the night sky. It was like they contained of  _so_ many star , twinkling within those two blue orbs . Hell , it was like even an entire  _galaxy_ lived in there; as if his soul was made out of constellations . 

Phil hadn't really realized how  _brown_ Dan's eyes were . They consist of so many shades of brown ; coffee brown , cinnamon brown , pecan , umber-  _You_ name it . Though he couldn't help but appreciate the fact that they looked like two pools of chocolate . He didn't really consider  _brown_ eyes special , it being common for most people . Yet there was something about  _Dan's_ eyes , and specifically  _his_ eyes only that made them look so  _beautiful._

"  _You have really pretty eyes , y'know?_ " Softly whispers the black haired , sending butterflies to Dan's stomach and painting his cheeks taffy pink . 

"  _You too._ "

 

* * *

Days have passed . Dan and Phil didn't  _dare_ to talk about that '  _incident '_. Dan  _wanted_ to , but Phil always changed the topic.

Dan  _also_ tried inquiring Phil if he knew anyone with the initials '  _M.L ' ,_ but Phil  _also_ changed the topic whenever he brought that up. Dan wasn't sure why.

"  _Mayflor Luna?_ Nah . I doubt that it's her . She's a lesbian , isn't she? " Chris retorts , marking an '  _X '_ over that name . Thanks to PJ's '  _sneaking in the accountant's office '_ skills , he managed to snag a copy of  _every_ single person in the class with the initials ' M.L ' , much to Dan's pleasure.

" What about Matthew Lewis? He seems pretty in to you. " Cat , a fellow friend of theirs who  _just_ came back , suggested , her slim finger pointing to the boy's name.

Dan shook his head as a frown appears on his lips. " Isn't he dating Bryan? " 

" Geez , why's your  _secret admirer_ so damn hard to find? " Chris puffs , flipping the papers . There was a total of  _12_ of them , 40 people per page , and they  _still_ haven't found this anonymous person. It was a hassle , honestly .  They've crossed a total of 230 so far .

" I don't  _know ,_ but we don't have to do this- If you all are tired. " Dan suggests , feeling tad guilty for his friends doing this . It seemed like too much and he didn't want to stress any of them . He'd rather give up than see them work like this. " I-It's fine , really . We don't have to do thi- "

" Hey , flower boy. What're you up to? " Phil suddenly interrupts Dan's words , placing a hand over the table ; causing a bunch of papers to fall on the floor thanks to his force and  _gravity._  

The rest seemed bitter about Phil's sudden presence . Even though they  _respected_ that Dan had befriended him , they still  _despised_ his petty existence. Besides , whenever he came- He was  _still_ rude to everyone else with the exception of Dan , of course . He didn't even acknowledge their presence or anything , as if they didn't exist at all.

" Oh , hi Phil! " Dan greeted enthusiastically , being the only person on the table delighted to see him. " We're finding this person with the initials of M.L- Y'know , the guy I've been asking you about? D'ya wanna help? "

But as Dan worded the letters '  _M.L ' ,_ he frowned immediately. His face dropped , too , and the straight line on his lips expelled to a frown. " Just give up on him. I don't think he matters , anyway. " With that being said , he storms off without a single explanation.

Chris watches Phil's figure disappear into the sea of students , a puzzled expression sketched on his chiseled features. " The  _hell_ was that about? "

" I don't know. He's been acting like that ever since . . .  _uh ,_ Monday I guess. " Dan explains . " Have no idea what's up with him. Do you think I should talk to him? "

"  _Probably_ should. " Louise proposes. " He's been acting  _really_ shady if you ask me . From what I can observe , anyway. "

Cat was  _definitely_ OP , not knowing who the  _heck_ Phil was  _(_ she just came back. can't blame her. _)_ . But once you look at her face , you could call it the '  _love at first sight '_ expression. "  _Woah._ Who was that? "

PJ rolls his eyes in disgust as he lets out a huff , nudging Cat. " Phil Lester , A.K.A the school's biggest di- " Before PJ could even fully word the slur , Dan  _glares_ at him. " - _amond...?_ I dunno , but stay away from him. Don't even think about  _da- "_

 _"_ He's pretty hot if you ask  _me._ " Cat cuts PJ off , looking at Phil  _(_ who didn't really blend in well with the crowd apparently  _)_ dreamily . Her eyes were filled with infatuation which lead the entire group to  _face palm_ at their friend.

" Cat ,  _please._ We love you , but it's not advisable to - "

" Oh  _c'mon ,_ Lou! I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. " The girl reassures , giving her a toothy grin and a thumbs up. " I mean , what's the  _worse_ that could happen? "

The entire group sighs in disappointment , worried for their friend despite her lack of knowledge .

Dan , however , looks at Phil with a worried expression. He wasn't in the playground today . He was simply leaning against the wall of the cafeteria , hands in pockets and cigarette between his teeth.

_What's up with him?_

* * *

 

Utterly silent at Bio.

He didn't wait for him so they could walk home together , therefore he wasn't  _there_ to ' protect ' him when he walks home . He's  _got_ to do it alone.

He wasn't even there when Nathan whispered a bunch of threats for him.

He didn't defend him.

Something was  _definitely_ going on and Dan was extremely concerned.

Pastel bag clutched to his back , he runs over to the same place he and Phil stayed once to stargaze . As expected , there he was; at the edge of the cliff , legs hanging from edge as he watched the sun set.

_Alone._

_Without Dan._

Falteringly , he approaches the black haired boy . His fingers were fumbling with one another , afraid of what lies in the future . Something in his stomach told him that  _this_ wasn't going to end well and that he should just go home as early as possible . Maybe he just needed some time alone , and that Dan should give him that.

But  _curse_ his curiosity and his concern. If he doesn't approach and question him now , he was going to  _regret_ not doing so . He'd rather face the consequences of disobeying his conscience rather than letting remorse eat him alive.

He doesn't sit beside him . He only stands beside him , peering over to catch a glimpse of his expression. There was a bitter look painted on those pale , porcelain features; but that wasn't going to stop Dan from inquiring him. He was his friend , right? He had every right to be concerned.

" Phil? " His voice squeaks , seeking for a response.

" What?! " He hisses , tone laced with venom causing Dan to take a step back and jump ever so slightly.

" I-I just wanted t-to ,  _um. . ._ " The brunette stuttered, trying to pick up the words to say to the boy. " W-What's  _wrong. . .?_ You've been acting so strange lately . . . Is something up? I--- I don't like seeing you this way. "

Phil doesn't answer for a while. Dan stands there , letting the warm breeze kiss his cheeks and ruffle his brown locks.

" And why do  _you_ care? " Inquires the black haired harshly ,  _still_ not looking at Dan.

" Because you're my friend. " Dan simply replies . A simple answer for a simple question . He  _was_ his friend , right? Friends  _should_ care about each other . Friends should love each other even though it was only a platonic manner. Dan knew that Phil cared about him , and Dan knew he was supposed to care about Phil.

But as Phil spat out 4 words , Dan suddenly felt his whole world crash before him.

" You're not my friend. " Phil spat heartlessly , letting the words slip out of his lips as if it was nothing .

Dan could feel his heart suddenly tighten . What was Phil  _saying?_ He  _was_ his friend , right? He  _refused_ to believe that sentence-- He  _cared_ about him , right? 

" That's not a funny joke , Phil. " Dan mutters , feeling tears wanting to spring out of his eyes . " Y-You can't possibly be- "

" When the  _hell_ did I ever say we were  _friends?_ " The black haired continued to spit out venom flavored phrases that poisoned Dan's heart.  _Damn him for being so sensitive._ " Sure , I protect you and all . But that doesn't really mean anything. Hell , you can  _die_ right in front of my eyes and I wouldn't give a shit or two. You're only a poor excuse so I can have more violence in my life , Dan. We were never friends. I never said that , didn't I? "

 _Used?_ A poor excuse so he can beat up people? What kind of  _jerk_ was Phil? Sure , he can play with girl's hearts- But that was for people who were stupid enough to fall in love with him. But people who only wanted to  _befriend_ him? How cruel can one be? Dan hated being used. But he  _hated_ the fact that this was coming out from a person he cared about so much. From a person he wanted to save.

From a person he considered his  _friend._

Alas , tears spring out of those beautiful brown eyes; trailing down luscious pink cheeks and turning into rivulets . Phil glances at Dan for a brief moment only to be washed with remorse . 

He made Daniel James Howell cry.

_Again._

His eyes widened , chest flooded with regret .

" Dan , w-wait- I didn't mean , I- "

But before he could even finish his sentence , Dan ran away.

For the first time in forever , the heavens sent Phil an angel who could possibly lead him into happiness.

And Phil drove him away.

How  _stupid_ could he possibly be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was such a struggle to write my head was legit achin g whiCH IS WHY this was slightly sucky im sorry rip
> 
> time to DIE(tm) //notliterallybut


	11. can't forgive & won't forget

**TW : Violence ( + slight rape/non-con? but.  . . no )**

**10**

It's been a day and Dan's still a sobbing mess.

" I  _knew_ you shouldn't have trusted him. " PJ seethed , stomping angrily around Dan's room . Despite Dan being depressed about yesterday , he decided coming to school today wouldn't be a piece of cake . He spent the entire day mourning for his and Phil's friendship . . .  _If_ it ever existed . He couldn't believe he set him up like that . Making him think  _he_ cared for him thus making  _him_ care for him as well , only to be shouted at that friendship never bloomed between them. It was such a petty thing to cry about , but his words hurt like knives; it was devastating . It was safe to say that Dan was growing attached to Phil as time flew by.

" Calm down , Peej. It wasn't  _Dan's_ fault. " Cat says , a poor endeavor to cool the boy's mind. " It was most likely that punk's fault . You can't really blame Dan for making him think he cares , honestly. Coming from your stories , it sounds like he  _does_ care. "

" In which he  _could_ care. Maybe he's lying about the '  _I'm not your friend '_ part. " Louise suggested , patting a sobbing Dan on the back. " . . .  _But_ then again , Phil's known for being a huge dick . So I wouldn't be surprised if he really meant it. "

Their words didn't help at all . They were more like insults in Dan's ears , considering the fact that they were throwing hurtful words at his friend .  _Friend._

Even after everything , he  _still_ fucking cares.

_Pathetic._

" I-it's fine , really. It's  _my_ fault for- For even b-befriending him in the first place. " He told his friends , choking a sob . Truth is , he wasn't fine; no . He was simply sick of hearing them insult Phil . He felt like he was insulting  _him_ as well whenever they did so. " I-if it's  _anyone's_ fault , it's m-mine. "

Everyone had concerned expressions painted on their faces . Their lips rung to a worried frown , but was slightly brightened as Dan forced a smile . If Dan had a list for things he disliked , it'd be filled with  _gloomy atmospheres , worrying friends_ , _frowns_ and everything else similar.

" Alright. We just hate seeing you like this , Dan. " Chris stated , rubbing his back . " You've rarely cried this year , or _hardly_ cried at all . Well , those times when we watch movies could be counted as an exception- " The entire room snorted , Chris earning a playful smack on the arm from Dan for that statement. A mild titter , too . "- Hey _!_ It's true , isn't it?! Seriously speaking , lighten up. It's so  _wrong_ to see you cry like this over a guy . You've still got us , right? "

A smile involuntarily finds it's way on Dan's lips.

" _Yeah . . ._ " He mutters with a chuckle , though his voice seems to brighten up. " Yeah.  _Yeah._ I guess you're right , I'm sorry for worrying you all , I didn't mean to ,  _really._ I just . . . Cared  _too_ much. "

" That's the best thing about you , Dan. You care _too much ._ You're such a great friend. " Cat encouraged , smiling at the brunette. " Phil's an _idiot_ for turning down your friendship. "

Dan couldn't help but frown as Cat called Phil an idiot . _Somehow , he still cared about that boy._ " Please don't call him an idiot. " He requests . Cat only responds with a nod , unable to come up with a sophisticated or articulated response on why Phil _was_ an idiot.

" Say , why don't we hang out this Saturday? Just me , you , Louise , Cat and PJ. " Chris suggests . "   Just to take your mind off the entire thing. "

Dan considers the offer . He hasn't hung out with them for quite a while , honestly , since he was always with . . .  _Him._ Saturday was basically two days away anyway , it was currently Wednesday . He was sure that he could forget about Phil in 2 quick days . But he  _had_ to hang out with them , to strengthen their friendship's bond and all that . Besides , Cat's back , and Dan missed her a  _lot ._ It'd be killing two birds with one stone if he agrees . What's the  _worse_ that could happen , anyway?

" Alright. " Dan confirms , giving the entire group a large grin . The group cheered , each raising their fist in the air .

" Great! We'll go shopping , " The girls chimed in gleefully , clapping their hands . The guys , however ,  _groaned_. Dan liked shopping , especially if he was able to find pastel clothing he found cute . That's why he , Louise and Cat got along so well . Their hangouts were mostly composed of shopping , they've always considered it their main activity in every hangout they did . " We'll buy you all the flower crowns and pastel sweaters you wish! "

"  _Yep._ And we'll hit the computer shop later , yeah? Or maybe the arcades! Your day wouldn't be complete without games! " PJ would interject , nudging Chris on the arm as he did so . It wouldn't be fun if they only did  _shopping;_ they could already picture the future of this 'hangout' plan . It would be Dan , Louise and Cat happily chatting away as they carried what seemed like a  _mountain_ of bags . Just thinking about it made them _shiver._  

"  _Aaand_ maybe go to a pizza place after? " Added Chris . His face lit up as another idea crashes down , " Or  _dude!_ Maybe even that new buffet place that recently came out?! It's still pretty new , so there's some kind of discount for everyone I guess. I heard the food there is  _mouth watering!_ Okay , it's settled . Shopping , the arcade and lastly  _food!_ "

Dan couldn't help but laugh at everyone's enthusiasm. He was truly lucky to have great friends like them , he couldn't ask for anything else. " That sounds a  _bit_ too much for a hangout. " He admits. " You're making it sound like it's my birthday. "

" Nah , think of it as a ' we-want-to-cheer-you-up-so-we'll-hella-treat-you ' day. " The blonde implies , giggling . 

" You guys spoil me too much! " Dan whined. He wasn't exactly complaining , though , just the mere thought of him being rained with these gifts sounded a  _bit_ excessive . " Eating at a pizza place alone is already fine! "

" No , no ! You're a  _prince ,_ aren't you? We're practically obliged to spoil you! " Chris claimed , hitting Dan on the back lightly . An attempt to make the boy smile even more , as a good friend , Chris wasn't a huge fan of seeing Dan in a gloomy state. " Kidding aside , we  _want_ to do this , alright? Don't even worry about it! As long as  _you're_ happy , we are as well! You get to be a  _king_ for a day. Cherish it! "

The entire group exclaims a '  _yeah ! '_ in chorus , followed by laughter erupting suddenly . Dan could confirm that he was truly blessed for having  _amazing_ friends . They were officially one of his favorite people in existence- Not like they weren't before.

_Yet , even though he was physically with his group , his mind seemed to always wander off to Phil._

* * *

Tiny steps are taken as he plods over to the hallway. He is hesitant; he is nervous . He is afraid to be greeted by the face of Phil Lester himself.

It's not like he's mad at him or anything . Seeing him would simply make his heart beat an irrational pace; would make his chest tighten. Phil was the  _last_ person he wanted to see today.

Surprisingly , he wasn't at his usual spot . The spot where he leans against the bricked wall , cigarette between his teeth as he puffs out grey fumes . The spot where he glares at everyone who dares to stare at him , with his cold hands in his pocket desperate for warmth . The spot where he used to greet him and then tag him along wherever he was going.

_Guess he doesn't want to see me either , huh?_

Why does he even care? He shouldn't care; he shouldn't , he  _shouldn't ._ A new daily reminder he needed to be noted of everyday.

The usual events unfold . Salutations from students , smiles exchanged and friendly little waves . Dan was honestly glad on how things were rolling . He could already tell that  _today_ was going to be a great day! A Phil-free day , perha-

"  _Dan!_ "

-  _He_ spoke too soon , apparently .

He notices the entire atmosphere  _drop_ as a presence enters the room . He could hear the entire hallway wither to complete utter silence , but slowly regains noise as whispers and gossips were exchanged. He could vaguely make out most of them , though majority were incoherent sentences.

_' Isn't that Phil? He doesn't look happy. I mean , he doesn't everyday- But today he seems a little bit. . . '_

_' Did Dan and Phil fight? Dan seems reluctant to chat with him. '_

_' Wow. Knew something was off today. Dan isn't walking with Phil. '_

_' Guess our rumors are wrong. Maybe they're not dating. '_

_' As if Dan would date Phil , anyway. '_

_' Oh my god! Did they fight? Nooo , my OTP's breaking apart! '_

He could feel him. He could feel him behind him , could hear him breathing; he could feel his hot breath against his skin , goosebumps tingling despite so . He  _knew_ that Phil was behind him and that he wanted to talk- And honestly , he , too ,  _did._ He wanted to wrap his arms around him , swallow him into a warm embrace and mutter endless apologies . It hasn't even been a day and he already  _fucking_ misses him. He wants to apologize for whatever he did wrong , not even caring if he won't say sorry for his  _poisonous_ words . He just wanted to turn everything back to normal just the way it was.

But the thing is , 

_he didn't._

Instead , he sashays off to his first class. He walks to his classroom without a care , pretending that Phil wasn't even there . It was like he didn't even notice him , as if he was non-existent . That only left the entire hallway's whispers grow  _louder ,_ and of course a Phil with an unhappy look on his face . To him and everyone else , it looks like Dan didn't give a shit or two about Phil.

Lying is a sin.

And it'd be a sin if Dan would say that doing that didn't hurt at all.

* * *

 

The dark sky was invaded by lustrous diamonds along with the crickets' boring song .  It was stupid of Dan to stay the  _entire afternoon_ at the library wanting to study , but  _of course_ pass out and once again  _sleep_ until it was night time. Why didn't anyone wake him up?! Geez.

Although  _that_ didn't really matter at the moment . The  _real_ problem was how the  _heck_ was he going to go home? At the moment , walking was the only option . His parents didn't seem too enthusiastic about giving Dan a ride home  _(_ also because they were  _very_ busy people  _)_ . But the thing was , he  _hated_ walking home . Especially alone , in the dark where criminals tend to hide. On the nights that he did , though , he was always accompanied by his friends- PJ , Chris and you know who . Especially  _Phi-_

_Stop._

He shouldn't mention his name . Hell , he shouldn't even  _think_ about his name.

Hopefully one of his friends could give him a ride home , right?

Anxiously , he whips out his phone and texts all of his closest friends the same message ; '  _Hey , can you pick me up from school now? I'm kind of alone atm. '_

Eventually , his phone would vibrate and reveal the replies he's gotten from his friends . But all of them only made him frown , not exactly solving his problem as of the moment.

 **Fr :  Lou (・ω・)  
**   Sorry Danny ! D: I'm w/ my boyfriend atm along with Cat's bf , double date. q_q peace

 **Fr :  Chris (・ω・)**    
   Oh god dude that sucks but jfc my parents thought it'd be great if i babysit their friend's  
   child rn. i'd take him w/ me and get you but they said that im  _not_ allowed to leave the   
   house. fpfrt.. sucky right?? sorry tho :/

 **Fr :  Peej(・ω・)  
   ** shit dan srry im w/ my boyfriend apparently ;_; watching a movie . i cant rlly , im so sorry!!!!

A deep sigh emits from his lips as he pulls his hair in frustration . Now , the  _only_ available option was for him to actually walk home .  _Alone ,_ if he may add . Or maybe he could crash at this damn library , yet that would mean he'd have to wear the  _same_ clothes and lacking a fresh , clean bath . He'd end up smelling like a moose tomorrow if he chooses  _that_ option though , so  _no thank you._ Walking home alone shouldn't be too hard , right? He was 17 , damnit!

So dubiously , he lumbers out of the school grounds; anxiously checking his surroundings to see if there was any hazards . Fortunately for him , there  _wasn't ._ For now , that was . 

And so he sighs out of relief , clutching to his pastel bag straps . This shouldn't be too bad , right? This was simply going to be a serene , nice walk under the stars .  _It's going to be fine , Dan._ He tells himself quietly ,  _actually_ saying so out loud .  _Nothing's going to hurt you. Just walk home , it isn't that far now isn't it?_

Every step felt like walking on nails . He always glanced around ,  _terrified_ that something was going to pop out suddenly and oh ,  _I don't know ,_ eat him? As hilarious as it sounds , he actually  _believes_ that he could die similar to the way those actors die in those shitty horror movies . Death by ghosts , by a crazy maniac in a hockey mask carrying a chainsaw and whatnot . Most likely the  _supernatural ,_ though . Dan always possessed the fear of the darkness , there was something about it that just made him quiver . Though it wasn't  _entirely_ dark . The street was lighted by the street lamps . Everything was going to be  _fine ._

The first 10 minutes seemed to be OK. As he was strolling , he couldn't help but gaze at the place at the shops nearby . There was a pastries shop that Louise often visited for some reason , a video game one where the boys hang out for  _obvious_ reasons , and of course a plant shop Dan wishes he visited more often . Isn't that the same shop where Phil  _works ,_ though?

_Phil again?_

A mental slap his conscious gives him. What was  _up_ with that guy? Did he plant some virus in his brain or something? He  _couldn't_ take him off his mind no matter what! He hated him. He  _hated_ him from the start , why the heck did he care about him in the first place? He was a douchebag , a dick and an asshole in general . He shouldn't waste his time on fools like  _him._

"  _Oi._ "

He stops on his tracks , eyes widening in fear . That voice sounds  _awfully_ familiar .

He could feel it . He could feel 4 men ambling towards him and he could already sense that they were up to no  _good ._ His instincts yell at him to _run_ as fast as he possibly could , even if it'll end up as a wild goose chase. . . His bag wasn't going to help , either . He could always drop it .  _Fuck_ _the bag. My life and my virginity are way more important._

But before his brain could even register the plan , a strong hand grasps his arm painfully.  His grip was strong as steel and Dan didn't like it . Cinnamon brown eyes look up at the arm's owner , only to see a face that looked vaguely recognizable .  Pierced lips , florescent colored hell- And _damn_ he smelled awful. It took a moment before he could realize who this man was , and as soon as he did , there was only  _one word_ printed in his mind.

_Shit._

It was the bald man's friend. And behind him were possibly his  _friends ,_ or gang members to say at the least . There was a lustful expression on his face ,  _their_ faces as he licks his lips in amusement .

" It's  _you_ again. Pastel boy. " He says , chucking ominously. " Boss got in a coma because of your  _boyfriend._ Too bad he's not here now . It'd be a  _treat_ to take you home with us , yeah? We'll show you a good time .  _Or ,_ _maybe . . ._ We could do it  _right_ here and  _right_ now . Nothing's stopping us , y'see? Ain't ashamed of doing it in public . "

He has  _never_ been more scared in his entire life . His entire body shakes as his arm struggles to break free from his grasp , but his grip was like  _fucking_ chains that he couldn't break. The entire gang laughs at his poor attempt of freeing himself . Slowly , hands of older men are all over him; at his crotch; unzipping his pants , one trying to rip off his sweater and two holding each of his arms to make sure he won't escape. Hot tears are already appearing on his eyes , babbles escaping his lips as he pleaded.

"  _Please stop._ " He begged , shaking. "  _Please , please. . . I . . . I'm too young for this._ "

But the group can only chortle in response . One was already kissing his neck which made Dan even cry harder , his sweater was already  _half_ ripped and his pants were unzipped . He was shaking  _so_ fucking hard that they almost let him go . But they didn't.

Suddenly , one of them was knocked out . The other 4 turn at him , not catching whoever attacked him . Whoever did ,  _though ,_ did it  _pretty_ roughly. He already had a black eye .

Thanks to  _that_ distraction , Dan managed to free himself and run away-  _Buuuuut_ was pulled back by one of the men.

" Woah , woah ,  _woah_ pretty boy . Where do you think  _you're-_ "

His sentence was left unfinished as an arm was wrapped around his neck tightly , then the person proceeded to throw him  _hard_ against the bricked wall . He saw blood trail down the red bricks as he slumped down against it .

The next sight was even  _horrible_ than blood.

_Phil._

With rage in his beautiful blue eyes and anger all over his face . Violence ensued , punches were threw and other acts of bloodshed . Everything happened too fast for Dan to process , he could only register the brutality Phil had given during the entire fight.

In the end , the scene ended with 5 beaten up men , a  _slightly_ bruised Phil and a Dan standing in complete awe.

And next , Phil's cold , slender arms wrapped around Dan's shaking body.

"  _Dan._ " His voice was raspy and throaty . It was like he had been crying for  _ages_ that his voice had gone hoarse . He arms tighten against him tighten , head buried against his neck as he whispers softly.  "  _. . . Dan._ "

But Dan just stands there , completely motionless. His hands were still by his side rather than them being around Phil. His face remained emotionless instead of happiness that he came . 

"  _Let me go._ " He commands . Those words left his mouth with ease . Those words left his mouth instead of  _' I miss you '_ in a form of a sob.

But Phil doesn't let go. He still wraps his arms around Dan , unwilling to let him go.

" I  _said._ " Dan seethed , pushing Phil away from him  _hard_ as he glares at him . His eyes were filled with anger and annoyance as he dusted himself , as if he was disgusted by Phil's touch. " Let me  _fucking_ go. "

" Dan , let me- "

" Let you  _what? Apologize?_ " He hissed out , hands balling into fists. It was like the first time they ever had a  _long_ conversation . Except this time , Phil was completely  _vulnerable_ rather than tough. "  _Sorry_ isn't always enough , dickhead . Besides , even  _if_ you apologize; I doubt that I would even have the fucking  _heart_ to accept your shitty apology. You think you can just fix everything with  _one_ fucking word?! Because  _guess what;_ no! I'm so  _sick_ of everything , Phil . The way you treat me is utterly  _horrible ._ You  _never_ treated me like a right friend , Phil . You  _only_ stand up for me whenever we're  _alone_ and when I'm in trouble . Because  _what?_ You're  _ashamed_ to let other people know that we're  _friends?_ To let everyone know that you actually have a  _motherfucking_ friends?! Because what , you want to fucking keep your  _shitty_ ' loner ' or '  _emo '_ image ?! Well , newflash , Phil; You're a  _dick._ You're a piece of  _shit_ for making me believe that you were  _actually_ my friend . So whatever it is you have to offer , it's a big fat  _no._ I'm done , okay? Quit trying. Why don't you leave me the  _fuck_ alone and continue on being the loner you love? 'Sides , your '  _loner '_ image is way fucking better than my friendship , right? "

Phil couldn't reply . He simply stands there with a hurt expression on his face .

And Dan still doesn't care. Like a while ago , he sashays away and leaves Phil be.

" Goodbye , Phil Lester. " Dan would say. " Even the  _kindest_ person gives up on trying to actually fucking  _help_ you. "

But as soon as he's out of Phil's sight , he bits his lip enough to make it bleed and runs away as  _fast_ as possible for tears were emerging from his eyes and falling down to the floor , tears flowing out like a fucking rapid waterfall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think u should see me writnig this fic everyday it'd honestly be p fucking hilarious  
> it's 1 am so bs im sorry if this was sucky
> 
> also omg 1k hits tysm !! cries  
> id like to thank obama


	12. no cliche plot twist

**11**

_Tick , tock , tick._

The boring old song of the clock resonates throughout his entire room.

_Sometimes , quiet is violent._

All hope for any positive thoughts have drained . Now , his mind was filled with  _nothing_ else but negativity; his own conscious chiding him for his idiocy . He had _one_ person care about him and he was stupid enough to let him go- No , to actually  _drive_ him away from him . And now , here he lays : filled with remorse and regret for his foolish actions . It was safe to say that Phil didn't know what he was doing . Perhaps to his own point of view , it was too good to be true. An  _angel_ has finally came in his life to save him? Could he possibly be freed from his eternal suffering? Yes , yes he  _could ._ But he declined _that_ offer . 

_" Even the kindest person gives up on trying to actually fucking help you. "_

God , he was so  _right ._ He was so  _fucking_ broken and so stubborn that fixing him would literally be a miracle by now . 

Not even an angel could save him .

Now here he was . Sprawled across his ebony sheets in his monochromatic room , crystal blue eyes darting to his boring grey ceiling . Somehow , his words last night managed to sting even more than the encounter that made them . . . Dare he says it ,  _friends?_ He's heard similar words before , coming from all of his ex's and teachers- But this ,  _this_ was different . This was all coming from Dan Howell. Possibly the only person in this pathetic planet who believed someone as fractured as  _Phil_ still had the tiniest gleam of recovery.  Someone who called him his very own '  _friend_ '. But now , he was gone . And Phil misses him so  _fucking_ much.

Why do we only realize how important someone is when they're  _gone?_

Because honestly , he  _craved_ it . He wanted to hear Dan's pure , genuine laughter. He wanted Dan's generous acts of kindness that he always offered to him , he just wanted to see  _Dan._ He didn't even care if he'd glare at him or even scowl at him , he just wanted  _Dan_ back in his life . That Prince managed to crawl under his skin , he grew so fucking  _attached_ to that dork .  But now , he was gone. He wouldn't even bother to give him those petite salutations and friendly little waves , didn't even bother to ask him the same repetitive questions; '  _Have you eaten yet? Did you sleep well? '_. He acted that he didn't even  _fucking_ exist . It was painful , really.

Phil groans and runs his hands over his face.

_Who is Dan Howell and how did he obtain the power to affect me this much?_

* * *

The whispers and murmurs around him weren't helping at all.

Thanks to his popularity , he couldn't survive a day without hearing his goddamn name. Everyone was always about  _Dan , Dan , Dan_. The topic was  _always_ about how cute he was , who was he dating and whatnot . It was like he couldn't enter a room without having to hear Howell's name in a discussion.

He couldn't call today the '  _same old day '_ . Since it lacked of  _Dan ,_ and god  _fucking_ damnit he hated that it did . It was like he couldn't survive a day without seeing that boy . It was funny , wasn't it? Antipathy was seething between them at first , and now here Phil was; wanting to be with him once again. Wanting them to be  _friends._

_Or perhaps something more than that-_

_No._

He  _couldn't_ be in love with that bastard. He  _shouldn't , he could never-- No , no , no!_

Before he knew it , his fist flew to the lockers to release all the frustration he pent up . A few students jumped from his sudden burst of outrage , others  _dared_ to glare at him for his violent action. To which Phil responded with a  _glare_ apparently enough to send them looking away as fast as possible , accompanied by brisk walking . It just shows how  _frightening_ he could possibly be to some students here . He sighs , muttering a '  _sorry '_ to no one in particular . 

Not that  _that_ was a surprise. Everyone here seemed like they were of royalty , anyway- Dan included . It was only  _Phil_ who stood out from the entire crowd . It was like everyone here was the protagonists to their very own tales , and  _Phil_ was the only living villain that dwells in the sea of prince & princesses. 

Focusing on negative thoughts wasn't healthy . It was best if he was focusing on what was currently happening instead .

Maybe he should just go to his first class already. There wasn't anything else better to do , right? He could  _always_ ditch school and go to his job instead- But that would mean wasting his grandmother's money which he wouldn't really like . Thus he walks over to his first class , completely fine and calm but not until the constant murmurs and gossips were replaced by loud , gleeful salutations given to one particular person.

'  _Good morning , Dan ! '_

_' Hi Dan!! Did you sleep well today? '_

_' Oh my god Dan , hi! '_

Various greetings in different forms they gave to him . And though it was a  _stupid_ mistake , Phil found himself glancing behind him only to see a smiling Daniel , waving and greeting his '  _fans '_ in return .  There he stands , in his pretty blue jumper with flowers adorning his chocolate brown hair . And he  _swore_ that he saw those two beautiful brown eye stare back to his blue ones , and that his smile grew a tad . Somehow , Phil's tough facade cracked; softening to a much more gentler look.  And as soon as he saw the brunette walking towards him , his heart pace seemed to quickened and chest grew less tight . His back straightens , mind mentally preparing himself to have a conversation with  _him_ because he himself was wanting it to-- Yet just as he was near him , he walks past him only to greet someone else who was  _behind_ him.

_Oh._

_Stupid , how could I not have known that?_

It was like those cliche movies where the protagonist thought  _they_ were the person the other was looking at . And just as they were mentally prepared to let words fall off their tongue , the person _walks past by them_ and greets the other behind them.

_Idiot ._

For some reason , that reverted Phil back to his grumpy , douchebag state . The black haired boy storms to his classroom , his shoulder colliding with Dan's in the progress only to earn a sharp '  _ow ! '_ from the brunette . 

" Would you  _watch_ where you're going?! " Dan would hiss , scowling at Phil . Albeit it  _looks like_ he had no idea that it was  _Phil_ who bumped to him , for when their gazes connected Dan's eyes widened a fraction .

" Gee , why don't  _you_ chit chat somewhere else rather than in the middle of the  _goddamn_ way?! " Phil snaps furiously , shooting Dan a menacing glare . With that being said , he continues to storm back to his classroom. Yet his footsteps' speed seemed to falter as a thought invades his mind . A  _hope_ that wishes Dan would call out to him . '  _Wait! '_ Dan would call out , running over to Phil as he'd grab his hand , followed by a '  _I'm sorry , Phil ._ _'_ . That alone would be  _enough_ for Phil to forgive him , even though his words yesterday stung like bees . He didn't really care.

_Thud , thud , thud._

Still , no call . What was Phil even thinking?

_Thud , thud , thud._

None . Murmurs grew faint , silence replacing it.

_Thud , thud , thud._

Silence. Complete , utter silence.

_Thud . Thud._

And a glance behind only to find no Dan at all and a half empty hallway.

_Ah._

What was Phil even thinking? His life wasn't a cliche romance movie.

It was a tragic , shitty film filled with nothing but despair and loss.

 _And there isn't some kind of plot twist to this flick._  

* * *

If Phil had to pick a favorite subject , it would definitely be homeroom.

No , not because it contains activities that's different from  _actual_ subjects , it was because he had  _always_ considered that class '  _free time '_ rather than what it actually is. His homeroom teacher  _always_ paired up students to do some random activity Phil wasn't enthusiastic about , but the problem was Phil  _always_ didn't have a partner . It was either because of the odd number of the students in the class ,  _or_ no one wanted to be his partner . Most preferred to stay in class the entire period than work with Phil , thanks to those goddamn stories and gossips .  The teacher didn't really give Phil any tasks or anything  _(_ he assumed that SHE , too , was  _afraid_ of him. again ,  _not_ much of a surprise  _)_ . 

And it was the same old thing . Him , leaning against the bricked wall with a cigarette in between his teeth. His blue eyes would often linger  _any way_ he wanted , be it the students , the clouds , the flowers the sky--

But no matter where he looked , it  _always_ reverted back to one sight:

_Dan._

He'd watch him smile occasionally , those two cute dimples popped out whenever he smiled . The way his petite fingers brushed against his cheek , the way his free hand would drum against the wooden table . It was just Dan , Dan ,  _Dan ._ At most times , he'd catch him staring back- But despite what happened a while ago , he  _doubted_ Dan would even bother to check on him. He didn't care- He wasn't supposed to care anymore. He was a fucking dick to him and that wasn't even an opinion , it was a  _fact._

" If it isn't my  _favorite_ punk. " A familiar voice coos . " And oh ,  _look._ He dyed a part of his hair blue! That's a pretty nice look at cha , y'know? "

"  _Hey._ As you can see , I  _prefer_ to be alone as of the moment . " Phil seethed , not daring to look at whoever the person was. " So  _please ,_ kindly fuc- "

But  _one look_ at the person , he pauses. Curly butter hair , pretty blue eyes and scarlet red lips . A confident smirk was present on her face along with deceiving eyes , it could be no other than his old girlfriend , Hazel .

"  _Hazel? "_ He spat out , eyes squinting . Hazel was one of - No , the  _only_ tolerable girlfriend Phil ever 'dated' . She wasn't too enthusiastic about dating Phil anyway , she even  _admitted_ that he was only a '  _rebound '_ when her boyfriend broke up with her . Eventually  _he_ came back running to her and it was  _Hazel_ who broke up with Phil . Needless to say , Phil and Hazel were . . . Not  _exactly_ friends after the breakup. Acquaintances , maybe . He couldn't really tell , and his pride didn't allow to call her his ' friend ' .

" That's right bad boy. " Hazel chirped in a somehow seductive manner. "  _Missed me?_ "

Rolling his eyes , he hit her on the shoulder but that only caused her to laugh rather than to cry in pain.

" Alright , alright , I was kidding! I  _know_ you don't. " The blonde giggles. " You're  _too_ stubborn to admit so , anyway. "

" Who the heck  _said_ that I missed you? " The black haired scoffed.  Alright , he  _might_ have missed her .  _She_ was the only girl that didn't cry over him when they broke up or tried to get in his pants when they dated ,  _anyway._ Well ,  _sorta_ dated . The two of them weren't even interested in each other at all. 

" Aww ,  _little phiwwip is so mweaaaaaaan._ " Hazel pinched his cheek which only made Phil  _annoyed ._ He slapped her hand anyway , keeping up his cold facade but Hazel was smart enough to know that he was fooling around as well. " Well ,  _someone_ texted me you've got yourself a boyfriend ! 'Grats , Philip! "

As soon as she worded the word '  _boyfriend ' ,_ Phil couldn't help but glare at her .  _Boyfriend . Hah , he wished._

" Alright , alright! Kidding aside , I heard that you've  _finally_ got yourself a friend. " Hazel said , a little less laughing now. "  _Buuutt_ thanks to your cold ass , you managed to make him . . . Well ,  _angry_ at you. Anything up with that? "

Phil stiffened . Wow ,  _some_ idiots sure did love to gossip about shit . It was the truth , though .  

" ... What do you  _want ,_ Hazel? " Phil inquired , completely ignoring his question. He wouldn't lower his pride to give someone an answer . He wasn't  _that_ kind of person , wasn't  _that_ old Phil anymore who was too jolly and gleeful. It was this cruel world that morphed him into something new , anyway. " You don't come to this school anymore. "

" I just wanted to help an old buddy out. " Hazel states simply , batting her eyelashes innocently with scarlet red lips forming a pout. " Y'know , you shouldn't really let go of something  _that_ easily . You seem to  _not_ give a shit about whoever that person is , but  _hey ,_ I think you should apologize. "

Grumpily crossing his arms , he spits the cigarette off his mouth and crushes it with his foot . " Already did. Called me a dickhead , asshole and all the cuss words that ever existed.

" _Yeesh._ Whatever you said , it  _must_ be pretty bad. " Though if you look at her face , you could tell she was close to laughing . " Whatever it is , he probably didn't mean it. You should , oh I don't know ,  _show_ him that you really do care about him? "

Letting out a sigh of frustration , Phil's eyes looks at Hazel with a look of confusion. " What are you trying to say , Hazel? "

" All I'm saying is , you should _totes_ invite me the future wedding. Make me a bridesmaid . " She teased with a giggle , blowing him a kiss before running away. " Good luck , Phil. You're gonna need it. " 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't u hate obnoxiously long summaries :D  
> or maybe you dont smh but i do...
> 
> i hope yall dont mind it got shorter it's basically a quote but lmao  
> the old summary was basically an abridged version of the prologue ANYWAY so no one's missin' that
> 
> ( also omg this chapter is shorter than usual im soRRY i wanted the next one to be better than this one tbh so )  
> (( also tbh if phan didn't happen i'd defnitely ship philzel im sorry : - ) but at the same time i love phan sm but i love hazel too wtf she's so sWEET ))


	13. as the sky cries , we cry too

**12**

_Tap , tap , tap ._

Slender digits drum against the tortilla desk . His face rested against his cold pale hand , eyes directed to the _boring_ writings on the board . Not so long ago , the classroom was filled with joyous laughter and jokes . Now? Filled with nothing but the tapping of pens , the ticking of the clock along with Dan's fingers drumming on his own table . Apparently the teacher had to go run to some important business , which is why he left them all to some boring seatwork to distract them or whatever . It was an understand that _no one_ liked the idea or whatsoever.

As always , Dan wasn't in the mood to read . He _never_ was _(_ unless it's _manga_ that we're talking about _)_. Usually , he'd glance over to the window and would see Phil leaning against the school's walls , being the _loner_ he is . It was on a daily basis that he'd wave at him with a small smile drawn on hips lips to which Phil would respond with a smug smirk and a wink . After that , he'd giggle; then you would see Phil chuckle . But things were different now . Dan _never_ glanced at the window ever since _that_ day , it would just hurt him more , wouldn't it?

But fuck it , Dan _loved_ torture.

Especially if it's torturing _himself._

For the moment that he ceased his fingers from the drumming , his cinnamon brown eyes turned to where Phil was usually standing . He had sensed that _someone_ was looking at him the entire period while he laughed like an idiot , smiled like a dork and did whatever happy people usually do . He figured that Phil was looking all along , but decided not to look back . The last thing he needed to do to ruin his day was to have eye contact with Phil . Everything was going perfect and fine _(_ he didn't let the previous encounter bother him too much _)_ , but not until his eyes were greeted by quite a surprising sight.

It was Phil.

Smiling .

With someone that _isn't_ him.

With pretty butterscotch hair that cascades down to her shoulders , cherry kissed lips and a perfect pretty smile ; she looks like the _perfect_ girl for Phil . Even though Phil looked _annoyed ,_ you could tell that he was laughing about whatever she was saying , but he _hated_ that she made him smile . Dan couldn't help but _frown ,_ felt a spark of envy shoot through his veins as the scene was behold before his very eyes . He thought only _he_ had the magical gleam to make even the coldest person on earth _smile ._ He thought that only _he_ could make Phil smile and laugh like that- Because the thing was , Phil _never_ smiles .

Turns out he wasn't the only person who holds that ability .

 _Ack ,_ why was he even getting jealous in the first place? He wasn't supposed to care , right? Phil was a _jerk!_

_Then why the fuck am I getting envious over that girl , then?_

_Hey , who knows. Maybe you're getting jealous because you only want him to smile because of you._

_That's ridiculous ! And even if that's true , what's the reason behind it?!_

_Maybe you're starting to fall for Phil._

And thus his body stiffens , goosebumps erect and eyes widened .

_Fall? For Phil?_

_Preposterous_ _._

There were at least 7.4 billion people on this planet .

He's dated tons of girls _and_ boys of his liking.

And his heart would choose _Phil?_

_No , no , no!_

He couldn't be- He shouldn't be! From all of the people he could choose , it _had_ to be Phil?! They were two souls that were dissimilar ! He was a douche , and he was _not_ \- A protagonist and an antagonist- A hero and a villain , an angel and a devil-

_A Prince and a Wolf._

Two people that _shouldn't_ be together . And one was _not_ supposed to be in love with the other .

But _god fucking damnit ,_ he was . He _so_ fucking was .

His heart _just_ hasn't learned to accept the fact yet .

He turns to Phil , who seemed to be smiling like an idiot for some reason . That was _after_ the girl had left and blew him a kiss and ran to who knows where . The frown on Dan's face grew a tad , a jolt of envy once again shooting through his entire system . He _hated_ seeing Phil smile because of others , he figured .

And before he knew it , the bell would cry; signalling that the period was over and that it was lunch time .

_This ought to be interesting ._

* * *

Lunch was filled with chit chats and murmurs , constant gossips that were lies . The usual , cliche seen you'd often see in a cafeteria .

PJ and Chris were bickering about some unknown video game , Cat was busy typing up some important homework and Louise was scrolling around her phone whilst having some conversation with Cat . Dan was left alone poking at his food , contemplating about the events that unfolded not so long ago . He couldn't erase the picture of happiness present in Phil's eyes as he chatted with that girl- There seems to be _something_ up with those two . Perhaps _actual_ chemistry , someone Phil could actually call his _friend . . ._

_Or maybe even someone he could call his love interest._

It was a little saddening that no one questioned Dan's unusual silence . He was often giddy about _something_ whenever they were together , but no one seemed to notice that . But he couldn't really blame them since everyone seemed to have their own thing going on , so Dan didn't have the right to be mad or whatsoever . However , he could _not_ take the weigh that he was carrying in his chest . He _had_ to know who that girl was.

" Um. " Dan started out softly , those words forming to be a squeak as they left his mouth. " Guys- "

" _Hm?_ Something up , Dan? " Louise questioned , looking up from her phone with one eyebrow cocking upwards.

" So , I , _uh..._ " He was fumbling with his own words despite his nervousness. He _knew_ they weren't going to be happy when they hear him talking about Phil- But _fuck it ,_ it was better than having curiosity eat him out alive . " I saw _Phil-_ "

" Geez , _Phil?_ " PJ spat out , saying Phil's name as if it were some curse word . Ah , _just_ as he predicted. " Look , Dan . If you _really_ want to get over that _arsehole ,_ I think it's best if you . . . _Stop_ talking about him? " He suggested.

" Calm down , _Peej ,_ maybe he just wants to ask something about the bad boy. " Chris said , in attempt to calm the other down. It seems like PJ's getting a little bit _too_ overprotective of his friend- Which wasn't wrong , really . It just seemed too unnecessary to get _angry_ at Phil when he wasn't doing anything . " Alright , Danny. Something up with Philly _?_ "

" Well . . . He was talking to this girl a while ago. . . " He mutters , words almost inaudible thanks to the _loud_ noise surrounding them. The picture of the perfect , pretty girl seemed like a threat to him . " She was ... _Really_ pretty. "

" So... You _like_ her? " Cat implied .

" No! " Dan immediately denied , shaking his head. Why the hell would he like someone he barely even knew? " I was just hoping if you guys knew her name. She had wavy blonde hair , really red lips and - _uh ,_ blue eyes , I think? "

" That sounds like a _lot_ of girls in our campus , honestly. " Louise laughs. " But _siiince_ she's talking to Phil , I assume it's Hazel? She's a really good friend of mine. "

Ah , so _she_ was Louise's friend? What a small world we live in.

" They _used_ to date , if I must add. " Louise added , and those words alone made the weigh on Dan's chest _heavier._ " But they broke up as usual. However , it was _Hazel_ who broke up with Phil , not the usual other way around. She didn't seem too affected by Phil , anyway . She must have been pretty bored and decided to date Phil for a while , and just broke up with him as soon as his old boyfriend came running back to her. Needless to say , those two are ... _Kinda_ friends? I dunno. As far as I know , Phil didn't seemed too annoyed by Hazel unlike his other exes. So , in conclusion , I'm guessing she was the _only_ ex that was tolerable. "

" Oh. " Was all Dan could say. That was a _huge_ amount of information , if he must say. Dan never knew Phil had a girlfriend he _actually_ liked . . . Well , not _like_ like , just ... Someone he could endure being with. Phil had told him _some_ stories of his love life , and he described most of the girls as ' _loud ' , ' obnoxious '_ or maybe even ' _thirsty '_. Perhaps he mentioned that there was _one_ he actually enjoyed being with when he wasn't eager to listen .

" Is there something wrong with Hazel , Dan? " Louise would ask , her plump pink lips forming a small frown . An expression of concern was sketched on her face , telling him that she could always go talk to her if he wanted . Just to calm Dan down and resolve the conflict.

As much as he wanted to say _yes ,_ it was sort of _rude_ in Dan's perspective. If Phil wanted to date Hazel , then _fine ._ He wasn't _his_ to start off , anyway . He didn't have the right to be mad in the first place .

But this _weigh_ in his chest almost seemed unbearable. This envy he couldn't explain , and this worry that scared him .

Putting on a bright smile , Dan shook his head.

" No. It's fine. " He lied.

* * *

Dan managed to get home extra early today. All thanks to one question the teacher asked , and fortunately for the brunette; he pretty much knew the answer . Thanks to that , he's won a free ticktet to home _!_

Tomorrow was an exciting day. He was hyped to hang out with all of his friends and do everything they'd plan the past two days ago , he couldn't wait! But oh , time doesn't work the way he wanted; so he had to find something to distract him until the moon would fall and the sun would rise . He decided to at least do something fun and worthwhile , _just_ to past the time quickly . As they say; _time flies when you're having fun._

And you could find _fun_ in front of a computer screen , right?

Nuzzling against a fort of pillows he himself made , he tried to find the exact comfortable position he'd be doing for the next 8 hours or so. Dan decided to scroll around Tumblr for today , or maybe even YouTube . Whenever he settled that _homework_ was too boring , he _always_ opened his MacBook and laid comfortably across his bed . In a position that'll _surely_ ruin his back in the next 20 years or so , if I may add . There wasn't much on Tumblr , to be honest . It was the same old boring memes , aesthetics and whatnot on his dash. He'd scroll down and _still_ find the same things- It was tiring to say at the least. Sighing , Dan clicked the small ' x ' on the very corner of the screen and opened YouTube instead.

Dan had a _lot_ of channels in his subscription box. One would call him a _YouTube Addict_ if you look at his browser history. He _loved_ to watch vlogs , Let's Plays , challenge videos and everything else on the site. YouTube was filled with loads of quality content _(_ well , sorta . _)_

Now , he was mindlessly scrolling through his home page ; trying to figure out what to watch. His new channels had uploaded some new videos but most of them took about an hour long or so , which Dan wasn't in the mood for. Although , in his _recommended_ column ... There was something that had caught his eye.

It was the same girl he saw not so long ago. Y'know , the girl who happens to be _Louise's friend and Phil's ex._

And _goodness,_ as much as Dan wanted to erase _every_ single picture of Phil in his head , his hand _fucking_ clicked on that channel's name. He only wants to investigate , _right?_ He doesn't give a shit about Phil- He's merely _curious._ That's it. He wasn't jealous- He wasn't _supposed_ to be in the first place- This was an action triggered by mere curiosity and _that's_ that.

As he clicked on her channel , he noticed she was pretty much a big thing on YouTube as well. She had a booming of 200k subscribers . Dan scrolled even more throughout of her videos , and coming from her titles she seemed like a pretty nice person. Even her _thumbnails_ proved it , which was mostly filled with her smiling or doing silly faces. Even with _other_ people to proved that she was such a likable person. She was _definitely_ a person Dan couldn't learn to hate. Yet throughout his entire scrolling , there was _one_ video that caused him to freeze all of the sudden.

_The Boyfriend Tag ! ( W/ My Boyfriend , Of course. )_

And the thumbnail , was a brightly smiling Hazel showing her perfectly , pearly white teeth . She put on a goofy face that made her seem enthusiastic about the video . And _, of course ,_ _Phil_ _Lester_ himself with the same old neutral expression plastered on that face of his , with his hand doing the well known _peace_ sign . The video was posted about a year ago , which would explain why both of them looked _slightly_ different . Phil's hair was longer , completely dyed black and he didn't even have snakebites on his lips. Hazel look a little bit the same , 'cept her hair was longer and her lips were pink rather than red.

Dan's optimistic mood drained to a gloomy one . He should _really_ call someone else to cheer him up , or watch a channel he _really_ liked to lift his mood. But that _damn_ finger of his clicked that _fucking_ video , just to torture himself even _more._ What was _with_ him and hurting himself , anyway?

The video starts off with Phil and Hazel sat together , the black haired murmuring a ' _why do we have to do this '_ followed by Hazel laughing . It seems like Phil was just _being_ himself in the entire video rather than having a ' _character '_ like most YouTubers. But then again , Phil _wasn't_ a YouTuber. He was just Hazel's boyfriend , a guest in her video . The entire video was filled with Hazel and Phil answering questions , the entire time Hazel was chuckling and smiling whilst Phil had a disinterested face . Yet every once in a while , Phil cracked a smile which was absolutely _stunning ._ Dan couldn't help but feel envious on how Hazel could make Phil laugh so easily.

_Envious._

_Shit._

The video ended and Dan threw his Mac to the side. What's _with_ this envy he was feeling when it comes to Hazel _?_ He didn't give a _shit_ about Phil now- Why was he feeling envious about her?

Maybe . Just _maybe ..._

He _still_ cares about Phil.

_Shit._

Thanks to autoplay being on , a unfamiliar tune begins to play , filling the entirety of his room. The perfect harmony of a ukulele followed by the soft tunes of the piano , a girl gently singing to the tune.

 _I won't hate you_  
But oh it stings ,  
How does it feel to  
Be adored by him?

How the _heck_ did that even come up for the next video? He slammed the MacBook shut , not wanting to hear the song any further. He _barely_ knows Hazel and _hated_ Phil entire currently , so why the hell did he feel a relation to the song?

He didn't want answers to his stupid questions anymore. So he throws his duvet over him , letting his eyelids fall and drowning himself in sleep.

* * *

_' Show him that you care about him. '_

The night was old and the stars were shinning bright. He could hear the crickets sing in sync with his clock's song . Darkness engulfed his entire room blocking any visible distractions , the sheer silence forcing him to play Hazel's words over and over again. Thoughts began to raid his began , arguing on whether or not he should follow her advice. _Apologizing_ properly could be the key to fill this empty spot in his heart.

The previous days were completely _boring_ thanks to the lack of Dan . His absence certainly wasn't helping which was making him even _more_ stressed about this shitty life he had. If he had to be honest , in the days that they were _friends..._ He was always motivated to get up just so he could see and meet the brunette. But now , knowing that he wouldn't even _look_ at him made him _not_ want to get up at all. It was like life didn't have a meaning at all. Hell , even the _days_ when they were enemies of some sort - If he got up , it means he could _tease_ that lil brat . They could _always_ revert back to enemies if he wanted , _that_ was a whole lot better than nothing at all , right?

_Sigh._

Maybe he should. Maybe he _should_ show that he does indeed care about him.

Because _goddamn ,_ he really does.

* * *

The night passed quicker than he thought . Before he knew it , the sun was up; it's rays easily entering through his windows and stabbing his poor , sore eyes. He grunted out a muffled curse , throwing the duvet away as he groggily gets up of bed.

His phone was vibrating , the screen showing that he's received a new message.

_**Fr : Hazel**  
****Hey , big boy. I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow , wanna come? ;)_

Well , thank _god_ it was Hazel and not some thirsty ex of his begging that they could get back together . He figured that he could _still_ keep in touch with Hazel , which he didn't really do with most of his exes but Hazel turned out to be an exception. She was entertaining , and unlike most , _was_ pretty mature for her age. It was sad news when she told him she _had_ to move out of their school for ' _better education '_ , which meant Phil had to be alone once again. And admittedly , he _did_ miss her lots . It was sort of great that they were still keeping in touch , even after an entire _year_ of not interacting with each other at all.

He would have accepted if Hazel asked if he wanted _them_ to hang out tomorrow . _Alone._ Hell , she could ask him out on a date for all he cares! He would say _yes_ when she asks him to be his boyfriend , he's got nothing better to do anyway. He _bet_ if that happens though , their relationship would _not_ be serious at all . It was simply a poor excuse so no girls would bother Phil anymore , and no guys would bother Hazel. It was killing two birds with one stone.

But _him_ hanging out with other people? _That_ didn't seem like a pretty picture. He hated people. He _hated_ loud , obnoxious groups that would laugh like a pack of hyenas. There was _nothing else_ in the world that annoyed him more than _that._ Yet considering his case of stress , _this_ may turnout to a stress reliever... And some way to erase _Howell_ from his mind.

What's the _worse_ that could happen?!

_**To : Hazel**  
****Yeah. Sure. Whatever. But /you're/ paying for everything I want , alright?_

_**Fr : Hazel  
** Geez , what am I? Your girlfriend? HA! Could be ;)_

__**Fr : Hazel  
** HAHAHA kidding aside alright , you grumpy ol' cow. Just come with me! I missed  
hanging out with you , anyway! ;*

Phil couldn't help but chuckle at Hazel's silliness. Sure , no _romance_ may have been involved in their relationship _(_ he doubted that it would ever blossom. Everything they did was entirely platonic , she was a _great_ friend if you can get Phil to admit that. _)_ , but their friendship was something that he'd learn to cherish if he lowers his pride.

_**To : Hazel**  
****wow. so I'm a cow now , eh? well , you're a moose !_

__**Fr : Hazel**  
****HAHA GEEZ WTF Phil what are you? 5? Moose? HAHAHAHA where's  
your bad boy facade now , huh??? awww , I miss this !! only I get to  
see you act like a 5 year old , it's sad :P you should def let other ppl  
see this side of you tbh. it's adorable

_**To : Hazel  
** eugh , heck off. I'm not adorable. Everyone's afraid of me , that's that._

__**Fr : Hazel  
** aaaaaand here's badboy Phil again. Geez. Innocent wittle phiwwy  
only lasted for like 5 minutes, it's sad :(((

_**To : Hazel  
** ugh , heck off Haze. What are you , 3?_

__**Fr : Hazel  
** and what are you? 10? You can't even type out ' fuck ' off properly!!  
HAHA !! god, until now you still don't swear that much? geez! innocent  
much?

 __ **To : Hazel  
** That's because swearing's redundant most of the time!! alright , whatever.  
don't talk to me. I'm gonna be busy , bye.

_**Fr : Hazel  
** Busy doing what , bad boy? ;)_

_**Fr : Hazel  
** HAHA kidding , kidding! Alright , ttyl or at least see you tomorrow! ly!! :* <3_

_**To : Hazel  
** yeah , yeah._

_**Fr : Hazel  
** gosh , don't I get a love you too? gee , so mean._

_**To : Hazel  
** _

_****actually shut up_

_**Fr : Hazel  
** YOU shut up !! why are you still texting me?! do you miss me /that/ much? HAHAHAHA_

Rolling his eyes , Phil threw his phone on the bed. Alright , she _may_ be right. Maybe he did miss her that much.

But now , he was going to do something that'll make her proud... _Sorta._

Even after that long texting conversation with Hazel , his mind _still_ reverted back to Dan. He had to get this guilt off his chest somehow , and it wasn't going to go away unless he does something that'll suffice it's needs.

_It's time to do this once and for all._

* * *

And now here he stands , in front of the Howell's residence . It wasn't a fairly large mansion as he expected , but then again , he's already seen this place _dozens_ of times- What was he expecting?

Sighing , he knocked on his door three times. He couldn't just barge in or anything . That would simply be _rude._

And then the door creaks open , Phil expecting to see Dan's face but _no._ Instead , he saw a man roughly at his 40's , a scowl instantly placed onto his features the moment he saw Phil. It appears that he doesn't like his appearance.

" Can I _help_ you? " He questions , eyebrows furrowing as he crosses his arms. Usually , Phil was the _reckless_ type who'd swear at _anyone_ even parents and any adult. He was insensitive , meaning he doesn't give a shit who he's talking to. But if he _really_ wants to win Dan's amnesty , he was going to have to shove that attitude of his to the side.

" Yes. Is , uh , Dan Howell here... _?_ " Phil inquires nervously , his voice smaller than expected. _Gross._ He made himself sound like a wuss. Though he felt like something was missing in his words , he wanted to appear _extra_ polite. " ... _Sir?_ "

Now , the man was _generally_ surprised by Phil's polite acts. He surely wasn't expecting _that._ Phil , however , could read all of that on his face which made him feel slightly relieved. But he spoke too soon , for that expression didn't last too long- Soon enough , his face reverted back to that angry scowl he had.

" I don't think people like _you_ should be talking to my son. " He grumbled , glaring at Phil . So _this_ was Dan's father- Whelp , he was an _asshole ._ Or at least a protective father which Phil didn't quite admire. " Either way , please , do me a favor and _never_ speak to my son ever again. I don't think he should be talking to _thugs_ like you. You'd only taint our purest flower with your atrocious acts and drugs. So please , _leave._ "

 _Wow._ How straight forward. And _judgmental._ How dare he assume what he did by simply looking at his appearance? Phil _never_ did drugs! He could feel his own eyebrows furrowing , mouth ready to let out a protest but was soon cut off by a _beautiful_ voice coming from behind.

 _" Dad?_ "

Dan's voice called out , his name phrased like a question. Both his dad and Phil turned to Dan's direction in the back , him wearing his cute green pastel jumper and white pants. And _of course ,_ a flower crown. It wouldn't be Dan without a flower crown , anyway. Dan's expression remained calm as ever but was soon replaced with _irritation_ the moment he met Phil's gaze.

 _"_ I believe _I'm_ the one who's supposed to be talking with him , Dad. " Dan stated , walking towards the door. His dad gave Phil one last look , brown eyes wickedly glaring at him as if to say ' _I'm watching you ' ._ Soon enough , Dan replaced the exact same spot that his dad occupied not so long ago.

And as soon as Dan stood there , Phil just wanted to wrap his arms around him and swallow him into a large embrace , whispering on how much he missed him because he _fucking_ did.

But when you look at Dan , you can tell that he would oppose to his wishes.

" Dan , I- "

 _"_ Phil , whatever it is you're _trying_ to do , I believe you should _stop_ already. " Dan cuts him off , his voice deep and stern. " Look , I don't give a _shit ,_ alright? Just leave me alone already. _Give. Up._ "

And with that being said , he slams the door in front of Phil without a care in the world.

But as soon as that door is slammed shut , Dan leans against the door and slumps against it , muttering phrases of regret and comments on how _stupid_ he is . He was _right there._ He should've just jumped over him and fucking _hugged_ him , told him that it was alright and he didn't give a shit about whatever had happened between them. But his _fucking_ pride wouldn't allow it for some reason , and he _fucking_ hated that it did.

_Shit._

_You're such a mess sometimes, Dan Howell._

_What do you really want?_

* * *

He was supposed to be outside right now with his friends , laughing with them as he tried to erase any thought of Phil in his mind.

But instead , here he was , hugging his knees as the sky cried loudly as ever. The thunder roared as the sky cried _harder ,_ and there seemed like no signal of it stopping . Stupid weather decided to ruin the day for all of them , forcing them to cancel their plans. Thank _god_ the news had warned about a severe storm today , or else they'd be suffering right now.

Why was it _so hard_ to say those three words to Phil , anyway? Was it because he was embarrassed of everything he told him? Was it because he didn't want to risk getting hurt again? Oh , Dan didn't know. He didn't _want to ,_ either. But one thing for sure is he _wanted_ to get back with Phil and be _friends_ again- Or maybe even... _No._

_He just wanted to muster up the courage to apologize and befriend Phil again._

And somehow , his _fucking_ system found that hard to do .

With eyes red and puffy from crying , he stands up to see the condition outside. The raining was pretty hard and there seemed _no_ chance of it stopping. The streets were beginning to flood slightly , and whoever dared to stand outside the rain would _definitely_ get extremely sick. _No doubt._ The entire street was filled with nothing but covered cars and motorcycles- But in front of his door , something _different._

Phil was still standing there. His head leaned against the door , absolutely soaked . He's been standing there for who knows how long .

Dan's instincts yelled at him to grab a towel so he did. He grabbed one , rushed down the stairs and opened the _goddamn_ door because Phil was still standing there. Phil was _still_ fucking standing in front of their house , waiting outside and gave no shits if it rained like it was the end of the world. He didn't give a single _fuck_ if he was going to die or whatsoever , he just wanted to hear those 3 words come out of Dan's lips-- But Dan was a fucking _idiot_ for not saying those words when he had the chance to. And Phil was desperate. Was _so_ desperate that he stood out there while it rained hard.

And as soon as he opened the door , he was about to yell a ' _PHIL! YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WAIT OUT THERE WHILE IT RAINED SO HARD ! '_ and throw the towel to his face , but before he could even accomplish the said action his soggy arms were wrapped around his body . He was cold. He was _so_ cold thanks to the rain. But Dan didn't even care. He enveloped his warm , dry arms around Phil's wet body and pulled him in for a damn embrace. And god , _oh god , he missed this._ He missed Phil's sweet , sweet scent of smoke and cigarettes- He missed Phil's slightly muscular body which he got to lay his head against whenever they hugged , he missed _Phil Phil Phil_ and just wanted _Phil_ back into his life.

Though feeling scared that he , too , might get sick- Phil swallows Dan in for a hug. He buries his face against his neck , inhaling his luscious scent of cotton candy and all the sweets you can imagine . He missed the smell of Dan , the feeling of Dan's warm chest against his cold one , the feeling of Dan resting his head against his chest and _Dan Dan Dan._ He missed Dan so _much_ that he had lost words to describe it. He missed the only angel that willingly entered his hellish life-- And he wanted Dan _back_ into his life.

The entirerity of Phil was cold. But as soon as he felt something warm against his neck , Dan was startled. It turns out to be Phil's hot , wet tears that began to pour out of his eyes.

" _I'm so fucking sorry._  " Phil whispers against his neck , tightening the hug . Dan's dropped the towel but he doesn't even care. And holy _shit_ Phil was cussing as he apologized , which meant that he was meaning his words. " _I'm so, so , so sorry Dan. I'm a fucking idiot. I really am . I'm sorry , I'm sorry , I'm sorry... "_ And it was just those two words on constant repeat , played _over and over_ again like a broken record. He mutters them , desperate for those three words from Dan .

" _I forgive you._  " Dan shushes , _finally_ letting those three words leave his lips .  And god , knowing that Phil was apologizing on constant repeat- Dan _knew_ he was craving those words. There was nothing else _painful_ than to see Phil Lester in his vulnerable state.  " _It's alright , I forgive you._  "

But he doesn't stop. " _No , no it's not._  " Phil chocked out , still embracing the other. These _fucking_ tears fell harder than the _loud_ rain . " _I'm an idiot , Dan. Why are you forgiving me? I don't-- I don't deserve you. I .._ "

 " _Shhhh._  " And he shushes him once again , rubbing his back and reassuring him that it was okay. Dan was soaked now. Not as soaked as _Phil ,_  but   _soaked._ Yet Dan didn't give a shit . He and Phil were _finally_ okay and that was all that mattered to him right now .

Finally pulling away from the hug , their gazes immediately lock with one another- Crystal blue eyes boring into cinnamon brown eyes. Phil's cold , wet hand cups Dan's warm , soft cheek . And Dan's hand crawls over to Phil's hand , his heart beating like a drum and Dan wishes it would stop . The butterflies in his stomach were no longer there because a _fucking_ zoo was rambling in that stomach of his . 

" Do you... " Phil began shakily , his breath uneven and shaking . He takes a brief moment , leaving his sentence unfinished. _Breath in , breath out._  " _Do you think we can be friends?_  "

And _fuck ,_ that hurts.  Because deep down , Dan _knew_ he wanted more than that. Did he _not_ know that he was already _fucking_ falling for him? And he _dares_ ask him if they could be nothing but platonic partners? _How heartless can you be , Phil Lester?_

Albeit Dan smiles brightly , grinning at the other after as he nods.

" _Of course._ "

And oh , how he _wishes_ they could be something more. 


	14. realization striking

**13**

_Philip Michael Lester is in my room._

The thought streamed over to Dan's head as his breathing got heavy. Well , technically , _he_ himself brought him into his room . _Right_ in his bed , specifically . His face had gotten red , breathing became abnormal and he wasn't looking too swell. Seems like that poor Philip has gotten sick due to the strong storm.

Though he was drenched and dripping wet , Dan insisted for him to stay for the night . He could still remember the glare his dad shot him , it was practically screaming ' _what the fuck do you think you're doing , Daniel? '_ and demanding him to bring Phil outside again . His mother , however , opposed to his father's wishes.

' _The poor boy's sick . '_ He'd hear his mother say . ' _It'd be best to let him rest for a while. '_

 _' It's his fault for staying outside. '_ His father shot back. ' _He should have went home instead. It was obvious that Dan didn't want to talk to that thug. '_

 _' But Dan did , didn't he? '_ She argued calmly. ' _Let the boy do what he wants , he's not our puppet. Besides , it was the right thing . Poor thing's probably sick by now. '_

He concluded that he has adapted his father's stubborn attitude and his mother's caring one . Still though , he was going to thank his mom for convincing his father to let Phil stay . They had no means of traveling Phil home , not to mention he didn't even remember where Phil lived in the first place.

And now , here he was: leaning against his beige colored door , a towel draped around him as he shivered violently . Poor boy was still soaking wet , and the air conditioner surely wasn't helping him get warm.

" Do you want me to turn the air conditioner off- " Dan suggested and was instantly replied by a shake of the head from Phil.

" N-No. " He stuttered , teeth chattering and a sneeze following his words. _He was obviously very , very sick by now._ " I- I don't want you t-to feel uncomfortable or... Or anything. It's _your_ room , a-anyway... I'm just a guest. "

" Exactly! You're a _guest_ which is why I should take care of you. " Dan frowned , rubbing the towel against his skin in hopes to make him feel warmth. With his clothes wet , he surely wasn't going to get any better if he stays in _that_. _"_ Do you wanna get... Er , _changed?_ I don't think those clothes are comfy... "

And to his surprise , Phil nods. He honestly would have said _no_ but he was desperate for any type of warmth. Everything felt _so_ damn cold that he felt like on the verge of legitimately _dying._ Not to mention his head felt like absolute _shit ,_ it was aching so badly that he could pass out any moment; his eyelids wanted to fall that he was merely struggling to keep them open by now . _Fuck ,_ he cursed in his thoughts, _Am I sick? I thought I was already immune to sickness!_

Meanwhile on _Dan's_ point of view , he wasn't sure how he was going to do this . Thanks to him _offering_ Phil to change , he was going to have to settle the matter with his own hands . The _obvious_ thing to do was him removing Phil's shirt ; yet somehow , the thought of it alone already made him _flustered._ No way in hell he was going to do that!

 _Quit overreacting , Dan!_ His inner voice chided , snapping at him. _Your dirty thoughts aren't needed now! Phil's going to die of sickness if you keep this shitty act up!_

Sighing , he gently grabs a hold of Phil's damp clothing . His fingers proceeds to lift them up , taking it off of his body; exposing his beautiful , slightly toned chest. He could see Phil smirking at his gesture , having the same thought as Dan.

" This doesn't mean _anything_. _"_ Dan said as he scowled at Phil. " I'm only helping you , jerk. "

" Didn't know _friends_ called each other names. " Phil said smugly , attempting to chuckle but it only came out as a series of loud , raspy coughs. After Dan had successfully removed the article of clothing , he decided that he _needed_ to take off those soaked pants as well. " Do you want me to take off your pants , too? "

" Geez , slow down , _Dan._ We haven't even _kissed_ yet and you already want to take off my pants? How much do you really want me? " The black haired joked which earned him a light punch from Dan. Again , Phil laughs but it only comes out as coughs. " Quit joking , idiot! You're not helping at all! "

But _honestly ,_ kissing Phil wasn't a bad thought at all.

_Get a grip , Howell!_

That seemed to make Phil quiet . Thus , Dan takes Phil's pants off _(_ and _oh god ,_ he was only left in nothing but boxers. _Phil Lester's in my room and he's half naked. )_ and throws them in an unknown corner of the room along with his shirt . To the duo's surprise , the door opens; forcing Phil to be thrown onto Dan and _oh god ,_ it was his father.

" Hey , Daniel , I just wanted to ask if- " His father's lips were zipped as soon as he was greeted by the sight of Phil _against_ his son , chest bare and pants off . Being the protective father that he is , there was only _one_ thing he could conclude .

Dan's face was utterly red , his heart _'s_ pace raising as a herd of butterflies attack his stomach and _shit ,_ this was _definitely_ the worst time for his father to come in . Judging from the look on his eyes , he could already tell what he was thinking.

Before his dad could even open his mouth , Dan cut him off. " It's _not_ what it looks like! " Dan pointed out , practically screaming at his own father. He didn't know what made his face heat up; the fact that Phil was almost _naked_ and was leaning against him , the fact that his father barged in when the atmosphere was _awkward_ or both . " I was- I was just - I , _uh ,_ helping Phil change! "

It took quite a while for his words to register in his father's mind. He _knew_ his son wasn't _that_ kind of person , but he still didn't trust Phil one bit. " I see. " He finally says after a long moment of silence. " Your mom wanted to cook something for you and your ... _Friend._ Is there anything you want in particular? "

" Anything for me and maybe some soup for Phil? " Dan suggests calmly but pushes Phil off of him. Phil was completely silent , though . He wasn't really saying anything as Dan and his father conversed. Soon enough , his father exited the room and slammed the door shut . Dan lets out a sigh of relief , heading over to his closet . He gestured Phil to sit on his bed and _make himself feel at home._

But the thing was , Phil _couldn't ._ Make himself feel at home , that is . Dan's room was bright , exploding with a variety of pastel colors. His bed was pink , walls were blue and his ceiling was painted like the night sky. His entire room was lit by fairy lights , the entirety of his room was basically seemed like someone spilled a palette of colors all over the place . It was the _opposite_ of his room; only painted with black , white and gray . Phil was colorless and Dan was colorful .

Hell , even his _room_ smelled nice. It smelt of roasted marshmallows and a soft scent of a baby-- Whatever you'd call that. To cut him off from his train of thought , Dan threw a blue pastel jumper and white pants beside him. " You can put these on. " Dan said calmly .

Picking them up and examining them after , Phil found himself frowning. He wasn't a fan of wearing anything that possessed a light color , thanks to his fashion style _(_ which was basically the opposite of Dan's _) ._ " But it's so _light._ " Phil complained , pouting.

A _tsk_ ensuing from the brunette , he rolls his eyes in annoyance. " Hey , _quit_ complaining. You're gonna get even _sicker_ if you keep that up. " Dan snaps. " Just _put it on_ and lay on the bed , will ya? The _last_ thing I need is you ending up in a hospital bed. "

Once again , a smug smirk finds it's way onto Phil's face. " Aww , does _wittle Danny actually care for Phiwwy?_ " He teased .

Grumbling , Dan grabs a pillow and throws it to Phil's face , who erupts into a loud series of laughter but _of course ,_ coughs . His coughing doesn't seem to stop , though , not to mention that he sneezes right after.

" Ah , _crud._ " The punk murmurs , rubbing his temples. " My _head feels like shite._ "

Dan's smile instantly wavers , forming a frown instead. " Phil , _please._ Just put on the clothes . I'll be right back , okay? "

And he runs out of the room , leans against the outside of his door as he blinks rapidly . His breathing hitches , _still_ unable to accept the reality that _Phil Lester's in my room , possibly really sick and currently in nothing but his boxers._ It's not like it was a _big_ deal or anything , _but still._ His _possibly-crush_ was presently in his room , about to wear his clothes.

Yet , the _one thing_ he still couldn't believe that _he and Phil are friends. Again._ He was so damn happy that he didn't want to go to-- _Shit._

_Tomorrow._

He _still_ owed his friends a hangout tomorrow. And that hangout's purpose was to make him forget about _Phil._ He was about to text Louise actually , tell her that _he and Phil were friends again_ but he was afraid they weren't going to like it . Dan wasn't a fan of keeping secrets to his friends , although it looks like he _had_ to let this one slide. _Just this once._

" Daniel? " He heard his mom's sweet voice call out , causing him to tear away from his thoughts. " How's your friend doing? "

Dan then puts on a smile , straightening his posture . " He's doing alright. " He lied through his teeth . " I mean , he's a little _sick..._ But that was inevitable. "

His mother gave him a concerned smile though chuckles slightly. Unlike his dad , his mom _always_ welcomed his friends in- Due to the fact that they _rarely_ came , which sort of ruined Dan's social skills when he was younger _(_ thus he preferred to face a _computer screen_ rather than actual people _) ._ Although there was something about Phil that made his mother curious about him . He was one of those peculiar friends Dan had. " Well , I'm not sure what his allergies are , but I made him some chicken soup. It's in the kitchen. " She said, " I've also made you some Mac and Cheese. It's just beside the soup. "

" Alright , thanks mom! " The brunette thanked , planting a kiss on his mother's cheek before scurrying off to the kitchen. He was so thankful for a loving and caring mother , he couldn't ask for anything more. As expected , the meals were placed neatly on a silver tray accompanied with orange juice.

" _You can eat with your friend for dinner , honey!_ " He heard her shout , her voice echoing . " _Your dad and I are going out for a date! We'll leave you and your friend alone._ "

" _Alright ,_ stay safe. " He murmurs , not really caring if his mother isn't hearing what he's saying. They _always_ go out for some reason , and it's not like he was complaining. As much as he loved his family , they've rarely spent any time with _him_. They're either _really_ busy or always in parties which wasn't Dan's cup of tea. Even though he was one of the popular kids , _partying_ was something he heavily frowned upon.

He carefully walks over to his room , opening the door strategically whilst balancing the tray on his other hand. It wasn't the _easy ,_ but Dan wasn't really clumsy himself- So he managed to do so successfully .

As he entered his room he expected to be greeted by Phil with some sort of _Phil-ish_ style . Yet , to his surprise , it was the complete opposite: complete silence. He closes the door with his foot as he proceeds to walk in , placing the tray in a careful manner atop his study desk. Dan decides to check on Phil's current condition , thus walking over to the bed only to find a sleeping Phil and _holy fuck._

His hair was a messy but in a way that made him look _heartbreakingly_ adorable , the jumper happened to be _slightly_ too big for him _(_ which was why he never wore it in the first place , it was too big for him as well _)_ which made him have those cute sweater paws and the fact that the jumper matched his hair color made it suit him even _more._ And _fuck ,_ he looked so _peaceful_ and _innocent_ when he was deep in slumber. Dan _swore_ his heart suddenly jumped at the adorable sight he was greeted with , because holy _fuck ._ He never knew Phil could look so cute.

_Why not add a flower crown to make it look even better?_

Phil probably heard Dan _squeal_ or at least make a noise , because his eyelids heavily fluttered opened , completely breaking the innocent feature. " What the _heck_ are you staring at? " He grumbled groggily .

" You should wear outfits like _that_ even more. " Dan stated honestly , smiling cheekily at the black haired. Phil only grunts and shifts his position in response , cheeks burning rosy pink thanks to being embarrassed . He was _not_ used to wearing clothes like these and it honestly made him feel like a different person. But hey , at _least_ it was comfy thanks to it being made out of wool .

Sitting atop of the bed beside Phil , Dan gently places his hand against Phil's forehead. He thought that his hand was going to _burn_ at his temperature , and _that_ wasn't normal at all. " _You're so hot..._ " He muttered worryingly , tucking him even more with his duvet.

" _Thanks._ " He heard him say followed by a gravelly chuckle. It took a while for Dan to get what he said , similar to how a video would buffer. Yet as soon as he _did_ get it , his cheeks flushed to a pink hue.

" Not _that_ hot , you idiot! " Dan retorted , throwing a pillow against his head. Phil only laughs in response , though he felt a shot of pain shoot through his brain , causing him to moan in agony . He snuggles himself in Dan's pillows , inhaling it's sweet aroma in attempt of falling asleep.

Yet , it seems like Dan wishes to disagree with his desire . For before he could even fall to deep , peaceful slumber , Dan demands him by yelling . ' _Oi , no one said you could fall asleep yet! '_

Reluctantly , Phil obliges as he sits up . He leans against the headboard , adjusting his vision for it was blurring every time he blinks. He was _literally_ on the verge of fainting or possibly _dying_ if he doesn't get some sleep now. " My head feels like _crap ,_ Dan. I _need_ to sleep. "

" _Not_ with an empty stomach , though. " Dan says , dragging his study chair right next to the bed with the bowl of hot soup in his hands. He scoops a spoonful of the soup , leading it to Phil's mouth. " Alright , open up. "

" I'm not a fi- " And then Dan shoves the utensil in Phil's mouth , forcing him to swallow the soup. It was tasty alright , but Dan had _no_ right to do that. " What the _hell ,_ Dan?! "

" Mom said talking while eating is _rude._ " The brunette stated , tapping Phil's nose with the metal. " Now _shut up_ and eat your soup , okay? "

Phil rolls his eyes in irritation but follows , anyway.

It was the same procedure repeated for the next 15 minutes , or at least until the bowl was empty . It was awkward , Dan feeding Phil while silence hung between them . Not _exactly_ the best thing for two people who recently got together. _As friends._ Though , in the middle of the entire thing , Phil _swore_ he heard a stomach grumble; It wasn't _his_ for sure , which could only mean...

" _Dan._ " Phil called , voice throaty . Surprisingly , he wasn't _that_ tired now compared to before. " You need to eat. "

" I'm fine. " The brunette lied , placing the bowl back on the table . _Okay , he wasn't ._ He didn't really want to take care of himself until Phil was properly rested and well , he was the type of person who looked over other's needs before his. " Here , you need to drink your medicine. " He said , handing him the medicine and water. " After that , you can sleep , okay? It's already past bedtime actually. "

But to Dan's surprise , Phil stands up from the bed and lumbers over to the table where Dan's dinner was placed. " _Phil!_ " Dan demanded , abruptly standing up from his seat to cease Phil from his doing and push him back to bed _where he should be._ " What the _heck?_ "

Phil doesn't answer. Instead , he grabs the bowl of Mac and Cheese _(_ which , by the way , he _couldn't_ stand. He hated cheese with a passion. _)_ along with the spoon before sitting back on the bed and then grabbing a spoonful of the meal and pointing the spoon to Dan's mouth. " _Eat._ " He ordered.

" I don't think you should be fee- " _And_ just like how Dan did it , Phil shoves the spoonful of Mac and Cheese into Dan's mouth . The brunette grabs a hold of the black haired's hand , taking the spoon from him . " _As_ I was saying , you shouldn't be feeding me. You should be _sleeping._ "

Being the stubborn boy he is , the other grabs the spoon swiftly from Dan's hand and grabs yet again another spoonful of his meal. " I don't care. " Phil said , eyes rolling. " I'm _not_ sleeping until you've eaten properly. "

* * *

Dan freshly came out of the bath and was in his cute , pastel green pajamas; ready for bed. Phil was still the same , snuggled in Dan's bed as his eyes were widely opened; desperate for sleep but his mind wasn't willing to follow his wishes. Luckily , Dan's mom had a mattress in her room so Dan went out to get it . He decided he was going to sleep on the mattress tonight so Phil could have the bed all to himself . He wasn't a fan of sleeping in the living room or his parents' room , it didn't have the fairy lights his room had. If there was _one fear_ Dan frightened the most , it was the dark. Besides , sleeping on the floor wasn't really something Dan would whine about.

He was fixing the mattress on the floor , arranging it properly so he could _finally_ sleep and get ready for tomorrow's _hangout._ But what ceased him from his doing was Phil suddenly getting up , and from the looks of it wanting to sleep on the mattress instead of the _bed._

" What the _hell ,_ Phil?! Get back on the bed! " The brunette snapped , shoving him back on the bed. What the _heck_ was this guy's problem?! He was severely sick and he _still_ wanted to sleep on the floor?! This boy was out of his mind. He _needed_ to learn how to take care of himself sometimes.

" I'm _not_ going to let you sleep on the floor! " Phil argued , standing up once again . " It's _freaking_ cold outside and the floor's even colder for sure! You're sleeping on the bed , I don't care if I'm sick! "

" But if you sleep on the floor , you're not going to get any better! " Dan frowned. Phil's condition _certainly_ wasn't pretty at all , and if he didn't get any better he'd probably end up in a hospital right now . He was fine with taking him there and everything , but he tried to avoid _that_ future at all costs. It wouldn't turn out pretty according to his gut.

" Then sleep _with_ me , then. " Phil suggested , and those words sounded _so wrong_ to Dan's ears for his face heated up and his chest beat loudly. " Not in the _dirty_ way , you perv. _Sleep_ beside me if you really want me to sleep on the bed. I don't care about anything , I'm _not_ going to let you sleep on the floor. "

Dan only grunts in response. He could either sleep _alone_ and let Phil sleep on the floor , risking him to get even more sick than he is right now or sleep _with_ Phil on the bed , making the atmosphere awkward and make his feelings for him even _worse._ Both options weren't pretty , couldn't he just sleep on the damn bed alone?! But knowing Phil , he wasn't going to like it if Dan _chose_ to sleep on the floor...

_Fuck it._

" Move over. " Dan said without making eye contact with Phil. _Phil Lester's in my room and now I'm going to sleep with Phil. Fucking. Lester._

_Good lord._

" _Aaasss_ you wish , my prince. " Smugly says the wolf , moving over to give space for Dan to lay.

* * *

_Drip , drop , drip._

The rain outside is still pouring loudly with no signs of stopping. Hopefully it'll grow lighter tomorrow , right?

It's 11 PM and Dan's still awake . 

His back was facing Phil and Phil's back was facing his. They were at least 5 inches apart , with Dan facing the window and Phil facing the other side.

Dan's brown eye carefully watched the rain pour down . _Drip , drop , drip ._  It was better than the boring old song the crickets hum and the clock would sing.

 _Phil's probably asleep now._  Dan said to himself , tugging the duvet slightly to keep him warm. He couldn't hear snoring or whatever , but he didn't assume Phil to be someone who snored. He still couldn't believe things ended up this way. Days ago , he was puzzled about Phil's shady attitude. Next , Phil hurt Dan with his words thus driving Dan away from him; making him _loathe_ his existence once again like before , but this time _worse._  Then , he proceeds to ignore him though starts to grow feelings that confused him. He realized how _boring_ it is when Phil wasn't around. Then , he feels envy for the girl Phil was with- And somehow , here he was; laying beside him , fast asleep . They were once again friends , and _who knows_ if the same events will occur in the future. Maybe it'll all play over and over again like a song on repeat.

 _" Dan...?_ " He heard him whisper , making him jolt slightly. Oh , wow , he didn't know he was _still_ awake. " _Mm?_  " Dan hums in response , shifting his position . It was quite a surprise that his eyes met striking blue ones . Now here they were , facing each other while they were on Dan's bed. Their lips were 5 inches apart , close to colliding thus kissing . He could feel his minty breath against his face , he could feel the warmth that he radiated as well.

" S-Sorry... I- I didn't mean to wake you up. " He whispers apologetically , tearing his gaze away fro him. He wasn't sure , but he could see his cheeks tingling a shade of red. " No , no , no , it's fine! You didn't wake me up. I wasn't even... _um ,_ asleep in the first place. " Dan admitted , sheepishly smiling. " I couldn't sleep. "

" Me too. " Murmured Phil. " It's _cold._  "

And then silence ensues. 

_Drip , drop , drip._

Phil shifts , his back now facing Dan.

" Sorry for disturbing your sleep. " Phil mutters. " I'm just gonna... Try to sleep now. Goodnight , Dan. "

Then Dan lunges forward , wrapping his arms around Phil. _He's warm , he's warm._

" Dan , what are you- "

" It's cold , isn't it? " Dan mutters against his back , nuzzling his face against it. " Y'know , my father once told me that people hug each other when it was cold. So their bodies could radiate the warmth from one another. "

" But you'll get sick. " 

" I don't care. " He says. " Just as long as you're comfortable , I'm okay. "

Phil shifts his position once again , now facing Dan. Dan eagerly nuzzles his face against Phil's chest , he _still_ smells of cigarettes and strong cologne . That scent that he _love , love , loves._

Slowly , he felt Phil's arms wrap around his body ; pulling him closer.

_Phil Lester's in my room._

_Phil Lester's in my bed. With me._

_And Phil's Lester's cuddling me._

_What a life to live indeed._

" Goodnight , _Phil._  " He whispers and silently wishes that this moment could last forever.

_Because god fucking damn it._

_He's fallen in love with Phil Lester._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blegh have some? sorta fluff im so tiRed of angst omfg  
> also aayee 100 kudos tysm  
> also im leaving to somewhere for like a week so idk if there's wifi and if i dont update that's wh y im so SORRY
> 
> peace out homies


	15. small world

**14**

The sun's rays slipped in through the glass window , forcibly greeting Phil's eyes as they fluttered open. He grumbled , unwilling to wake up just _yet_ as he continued to snuggle with whatever was in his arms. He even wrapped his damn _leg_ around it as if it were a long body pillow. He buries his face in the mop of brown hair which smelled of sweets and candy . His vision was still blurry , thus he wasn't able to distinguish where he exactly was.

Soon enough , he's able to adjust his vision . He lets out a _yawn_ along with two smacks coming from his own lips , fingers rubbing his temples . He felt something nuzzle against his chest , something that emits light snoring and whimpers . And that _something_ turned out to be a _someone ,_ and that someone turned out to be _Dan Howell._

Panic raises to his chest thus contracts his heart , eyes immediately falling to his clothes. _Clothes._ Alright , he _still_ had clothes on- but these are _Dan's clothes-_ But Dan wasn't naked , he was wearing his pajamas!

_Nothing happened , right?_

He couldn't exactly remember what occurred the day before. All he could recall was a _throbbing_ headache , lots of coughing and cuddling. _Wait... Cuddling?_ Shit. He must have stayed overnight and cuddled with Dan. _While he was sick._ And judging from his surroundings , his conclusion wasn't near to be proven false.

Phil attempts to shake off Dan off him but the stubborn brunette doesn't wish to oblige. For he grumbled _loudly_ as Phil did so , incoherent mumbles slipping out of his lips as he continues to nuzzle against Phil. " _Five more minutes..._ " He mutters against his chest , words obscured.

The punk couldn't help but chuckle at the pastel boy's cutesy demeanor . Trying his _very best_ not to wake up Dan , he searches for his phone which was _probably_ under his pillow where he usually places it , just like he does at home. And as Phil expected , _it was._ Luckily , he didn't receive any missed calls from his grandma . Although he did receive a message from _Hazel._

 **Fr : Hazel** **  
**_Ayeee sleepyhead!! Wakey wakey eyes are----_  
what was that?Bakey?? Idfk. Get up , ya poof !! We gotta hang  
out today :D my friends are excited to meet you !!! :  >  
i'll pick you up at12? Your house??

He glances at his phone's clock. _9 AM._ He _still_ had quite some time to prepare. He could always slip out of bed and leave Dan alone , leaving him a note just like he did before when _he_ came to his house _(_ he didn't even know how he found his house. He never _gave_ him his address-- Maybe those other punks gave him directions... _)_ , yet it seemed quite _rude_ especially since it was _Dan's_ house and not his. Besides , as far as he could remember , he took care of him _pretty_ well. Suddenly leaving him alone wasn't a very nice ' _thank you '_.

So instead , he simply lays there . Lithe pale digits combing Dan's chocolate brown strands. He trailed his fingers to his face , tracing _every_ single detail on his pretty , pretty face . If you look very closely , you could see that Dan had small freckles which only made him look _cuter._ Hell , he looked even _cuter_ right now compared to his usual self. It was hard not to stare at Dan whenever he was sleeping , Phil had decided , since he looked completely innocent and in complete peace . His face wasn't forcing any sort of emotion , pink lips slightly parted as they produce very light snores. It was similar to watching an innocent puppy sleep.

Soon enough , those eyes of his opened slowly. Those cinnamon brown eyes of his staring at his crystal blue ones. " _Good morning._ " He greets , his morning voice faint yet cute.

" Morning to _you ,_ sleepyhead. " He greeted back , though his voice wasn't as faint as his. Phil was practically _awake_ now , unlike Dan who was half asleep. " You snore loud , by the way. "

The brunette simply rolls his eyes at the other's remark , although he chuckles at it as well. " Oh , _gee._ Thanks , I just _had_ to know that. "

Phil could only laugh softly in response , he's even _cuter_ when he's grumpy when half-asleep. " Well , _Mr.-Snores-Loud ,_ I believe we should get going . I _do_ strongly believe we both have plans for today. "

Yet Dan only whines in response , proceeding to bury his head against his chest as he whimpers a " _No ,_ not yet. " He _probably_ found sleeping with Phil a little _bit_ too comfortable , Phil concluded. But it's not like he was complaining-- _At the same time ,_ he didn't want to get used to this. As much as he wanted to too , he didn't _want_ to wake up to this everyday.

" _Yes ,_ yes already. " Phil said, shaking him off of him lightly. The brunette eventually gives in and frees Phil from his embrace , though was reluctant for he was pouting like a a damn baby as Phil stood up. " Is this how you treat _all_ your new friends? Bring 'em to bed once they're sick and cuddle with them? "

" _No!_ " He said , combing his hair with his own fingers. " _Speaking_ of sickness , are you alright already? It'd be a _miracle_ if you healed overnight. "

" Now that you've mentioned it , I am. " Phil observed. He wasn't one who usually got sick to his surprise , so it wasn't new that he recovered quite quickly. " What about _you ,_ though? You don't _exactly_ cuddle with a man who's sick. "

Dan could feel his cheeks heat up whenever Phil would mention that they _cuddle_ d , _because oh god._ That's the _last_ thing you needed to hear from a guy-you've-recently-fallen-in-love-with. He still couldn't believe the reality that _I , Daniel James Howell , just fucking cuddled with Philip Michael Lester._ It was surreal- It was _astonishing ,_ it was all the synonyms of the previous word. And the fact that _Phil_ was saying it only confirms that yesterday certainly was _not_ a dream. _But oh god , it did feel like one! A dream come true!_

" _Yep._ " He drawled out , though that one word was a _huge_ lie. If he was going to be honest , his vision was blurring every now and then and his mind was _hazy._ He could feel pain shooting within the veins of his brain occasionally , but somehow he managed to ignore it and pretend that he was alright. He could vaguely remembered promising PJ and the others a hangout-- _Wait , holy shit! The hangout!_

" Something wrong , flower boy? You seemed pretty alarmed. " Phil said , tearing Dan away from his thoughts. He could easily read the expression on the brunette's face; like a book that was left opened. " Like a deer in headlights or so they'd say. "

" Yeah , I just.. _Um._ " Lying about this was completely redundant , was it not? " I have to hang out with my friends later. We sort of planned it out days ago. "

" Wow , me too. " Phil says. " It's not with friends though. Just a girl. " Okay , _that_ was a lie. He didn't want Dan to know that Hazel was practically _dragging_ him to see other people he didn't even _know._

" So , a _date..._? " Dan couldn't help but be sad. _Oh , right. Dude has a girlfriend. He's probably straight , too ._ And _of course ,_ the _last_ thing you'll ever want to hear was your _crush_ dating someone. _Aaand_ that their sexuality made it literally impossible for you two to date, thus _crushing_ your hopes of you and them getting together in the process. _How unfortunate._

" Probably. Yeah. _Maybe._ " Of course , Phil noticed Dan's mood dropping all of a sudden. He didn't bother to ask , though; fearing that it _may_ make him uncomfortable. " Date or not , I don't really care. "

But that only made the other _more_ upset. Even though Phil was one who can easily distinguish one's feelings by mere examination , he was quite _oblivious_ too sometimes. He decided that it's best to brush it off , though . It seemed like it didn't really matter.

" Hey. " Phil said. " Mind if I borrow your shower or something? If you don't want , I can always run back home ins- "

" That's fine. " Phil assured. Though truth be told , he didn't want to smell like what _Dan_ smelt like. He was afraid Hazel was going to notice and then question it later on , but it's not like he could do anything about it anyway. Complaining would appear to be useless.

Dan was fully dressed and newly bathe. Phil insisted that he should go first , it was _his_ house thus his bathroom after all. He decided to put on the shirt and shorts Phil gave him when _slept_ in his house . Just to show him that he still held on to the things he gave him this entire time , he _cherished_ it actually . He found it more sentimental than that huge Totoro plushie.

_Speaking of that Totoro plushie..._

He _still_ hasn't figured out who M.L was. They've searched the _entire_ school and they still haven't found who this person is . As much as his friends wanted to continue searching , Dan himself already gave up. It didn't really matter to him _now_ since he's already in love with someone else.

_Sorry , M.L dude._

" Hey , Howell. D'ya have anything that I can wear? "

" Hm? Oh , yeah. You can borrow my dad's... " And with _one_ look at the boy , he could have fainted right there.

Because _oh my fucking god._ His hair was wet but that only made him look even _more_ attractive , his chest was exposed and was slightly coated with water. Not to mention _he was only wearing a goddamn towel around his waist and-_ Call Dan dirty- the _damn_ towel was so short he felt like he could already see what's hidden beneath it. He was sure the air conditioner was on the entire time , but he was also sure that he was already _sweating_ just by the sight of _Phil fucking Lester_ in nothing but a _towel that's apparently too small for him_ wrapped around his waist.

" I..Um... _I..._ " _Great ,_ now he was stuttering. His eyes widened a fraction as cheeks were painted rosy red , incoherent mumbles slipping out of his lips. He couldn't even process a proper thought with _this_ heavenly sight before him. _Oh my god , Dan , snap out of it!_

" Oi. Cat got your tongue , or do you like what you see? " Phil teased with a smug smirk , waggling his eyebrows to complete the look. _Well that killed the mood._ Phil was hot alright , but his cocky personality was _such_ a turn-off sometimes.

" _Psh ,_ you wish. " He snorted , rolling his eyes. " Anywho , you can borrow my dad's clothes. I don't think you're going to like mine anyway , he has a _lot_ of black shirts and pants which I think you'd like. The room's right next to mine. "

" Wouldn't your dad mind , though? " Phil questioned with a frown. He pretty much knew that his dad didn't like him , thanks to all of those scowls and glares. Not to mention the things he'd whisper to his wife whenever he visited. He wasn't planning on changing his mind about him , _though ,_ he was simply going to be himself no matter how much he despised him coming . Besides , _he isn't the only one._

" Nah. I doubt he'd even notice. I got a text from Ma that they're coming home _tomorrow_ instead , so... " His voice pretty much trailed off after that . Yes , Dan _loved_ his parents to death and was very thankful for their love. But that won't stop him getting upset over the fact that they _literally_ had no time for him anymore. He understood work and all , but _parties?_ They _always_ went to them. Can't they at least have some quality time with their son? He was aware that his life wasn't perfect , _but still..._

" Hey , you okay? You're zoning out. _Again._ " Phil says , snapping Dan from his thoughts. He was about to drawl out another cocky remark , but whatever he was thinking about made him unhappy . _Now_ wasn't the exact time for a joke. " I'll go get the clothes , alright? "

He didn't wait for Dan's reply. He walked over to his dad's room and quickly grabbed the clothes he needed.

* * *

 

Eventually , Phil is able to leave Dan’s house and returns back to his. Well , _outside_ of his house that is . It was a good thing Dan’s father and he shared the same clothing size , or else he would have went home wearing _pastel_ clothing which would result to a Hazel laughing at an embarrassed Phil. The thought alone already made the punk cringe.

“ Hey , big guy. “ A voice calls out , instantly catching Phil’s attention. _Speak of the devil..._

“ Hey you. “ Phil greeted back , smirking . His arm snaked around her neck as soon as she arrived which Phil didn’t do intentionally , it just sort of happened. He’s honestly thinking of dating Hazel. _Again._ That is if she was still _single..._ Just an excuse so he could forget about this _feeling_ he was starting to grow for Dan. _Yeah..._ It doesn’t sound like a bad idea , anyway. And Hazel wouldn’t mind for sure. “ You arrived 10 minutes early. “

“ What can I say? I’m an early bird. “ She responded with a smirk , allowing Phil’s arm to be draped around her . Hell , she even pulled it closer for christ’s sake . _Oh , so she doesn’t mind ._ Phil thought . _This could work out pretty well then._ “ Oi , Philip. You’re spacing out again. “

“ _Hm?_ Ah , oh- Sorry. “ Phil mumbled , brushing off all the unnecessary thought that wished to fill his mind as of the moment. He could arrange things later , _now_ would be the time to deal with this.. _Er ,_ hangout. _Why the heck did I agree to this again?_ His other hand slipped to the pocket of his pants , other armed still draped around Hazel. They were pretty much looking like an actual couple , but neither did seem to care. “ Shall we go? “

Hazel nods and then the duo would walk to their destination.

On the other hand , _however..._

“ Sorry ‘bout yesterday. Suddenly cancellation and all that. “ PJ said , smiling apologetically at the brunette as he starts the car.

They were all in Chris’ car at the moment . They proposed that Dan sits on the front seat since _he_ was the reason why they even planned the hangout in the first place. Louise , Cat and Chris all sat in the back but they didn’t really mind _( Especially_ Chris. He was supposed to sit on the front seat since it _was_ his car anyway _) ._

“ It’s fine. “ Dan said , giving PJ a reassuring smile. He was more than thankful that it _did_ rain yesterday anyway , or else he wouldn’t be able to get back together with Phil. “ It’s not your fault why it rained in the first place , so there’s no need to apologize about something that isn’t your doing. “

_Speaking of Phil... I wonder where is he now?_

Oh. _He’s in a date with Hazel , how could I forget?_

Pain suddenly stabs Dan’s head as the thought arises , causing him to wince . _Right. I have Phil’s cold._ Dan mumbled to himself privately. _Guess I’m not that thankful that it did rain yesterday._

 _“_ Dan? Are you alright? “ Cat inquiries , concerned. She was leaning in to peek on Dan’s condition , and Dan had his fingers crossed as he chanted ‘ _please don’t notice , please don’t notice ‘_ in his head . That only resulted to _more_ pain shooting in his head , but he managed to ignore it and act like nothing was wrong.

“ I’m okay. “ Dan lied through his teeth as he grinned at Cat. Cat squinted her eyes at him , not exactly buying his words. And _oh god ,_ Dan was still chanting those 3 words in his head . Luckily , Cat wasn’t too eager to push Dan over , so she went back to her seat and Dan would sigh out of relief. _Thank goodness it wasn’t Louise._

The entire group chatted about everything and everyone all at once. Well , the entire group except _Dan_ that is. He had his head leaned against the window as he watches everything and everyone pass by in a blur , trying to think about something to entertain him whilst enduring the pain in his head. _When I get home , I’m going to pass out and never wake up again._

He didn’t know what to exactly think about. His mind wandered to a lot of things ; _Japan , School , Anime , TV Shows , Games , Bands_ and whatnot- But no matter how much he tries to distract himself with other topics , his _stupid_ brain always decided that it’d be better if he thought about _Phil_ instead.

_How is he? Is he okay? Is he really healed? Is he having fun with his date? Oh my god , is he having fun with his date?_

All these questions that he couldn’t answer. All these questions that were even unnecessary to think of in the first place. Hell , only _Phil_ knew the answers to these anyway. Why does he care about this boy so much? Is this what _love_ did , make you think about that _damn_ person too much? Because if _yes ,_ then he doesn’t want this! He could already predict him getting hurt in the future because of that _pretty_ girl Phil had.

_God , he’s probably straight._

“ Oh , I forgot to mention that I invited a friend over , too. “ Louise chimed in , her words catching Dan’s attention. “ I recall her saying she was gonna bring _someone_ along , too . So... “

“ You _basically_ brought 2 people who were both strangers to Dan? “ PJ deadpanned , sounding like he wasn’t too happy nor enthusiastic about what Louise said. “ You know Dan’s awkward around people he doesn’t know! Why’d you do that?! “

“ No , no , no! It’s fine , don’t worry! “ Dan cut in before Louise could even reason. As much as he _is_ indeed uncomfortable with people he doesn’t know , he didn’t want to be rude and cancel Louise’s two _friends_ just because of his own discomfort. He figured that it’d be fine and at least funner for Louise , and he could score 2 new friends for today.

“ Are you sure? “ Louise said , asking for reassurance. “ I don’t want you uncomfortable or anything... “

Dan widens his smile to ensure Louise. “ Of course. “

Louise then instructed PJ to drive to the nearest Starbucks . It was pretty quick , actually . Then , the blonde said she was going to pick the duo up _(_ Chris also said that they could sit in the back , their seat was full anyway _)_ and Dan wanted to tag along. He wasn’t gonna lie , he _was_ slightly enthusiastic meeting Louise’s friends. It was never a dull moment to meet two new people.

But as soon as he saw their faces , he felt his heart suddenly drop.

He was greeted by a girl with butterscotch hair and pretty blue eyes. Her lips were as luscious as cherries , her figure made her look like a model and all in all the _perfect_ girl for the perfect guy. She was accompanied by a tall , roughly about 6 feet , man with piercings and tattoos. They were sitting somewhere near the window , thighs _too_ close to each other and if you’d take one look at them you’d assume that they were dating.

_Shit._

It was no other than Hazel and Phil.

Without looking at her , Dan could already tell that Louise , too , was tensed. _No ,_ not because of Hazel- But because of Phil. Afterall , the _main_ purpose of this trip was to forget about Phil . She had _no_ idea that Hazel was tagging Phil along in the first place _!_

Little did Louise know , Dan and Phil were already fine with each other.

“ Oh , hi! “ The _pretty girl_ greeted them , waving enthusiastically as she smiles. _God ,_ she was so perfect. Her teeth were perfectly aligned and pearly white- it was _illegal_ to be this perfect. Phil would choose her over Dan in a damn _heart beat._ “ We were just talking about you! “

“ Um , _yeah..._ “ Louise replies awkwardly although gives Hazel a toothy grin. As soon as her eyes linger over to Phil , she frowns. “ So...Is this your , _er ,_ friend? “

“ Oh! “ Hazel exclaimed , pulling Phil by the shirt after . Phil ‘ _tsk ‘-_ ed at the blonde’s gesture , obviously irritated . He was simply looking at his phone this entire time , not wishing to engage in any conversation. “ Uh , this is Philip! But I believe you can call him Phil. “

“ _Yeah..._ We’re sort of batch mates. “ Louise mumbled , looking at Phil with disdain. She definitely did _not_ want to see his face , knowing that _he_ was the person they were trying to avoid today. But he didn’t want to be mean , _but..._

Louise looked at Dan , her look saying ‘ _are you okay with this? ‘_. To tell truth , Dan was _more_ than okay with this - But he didn’t want to tell Louise _that._ So instead , Dan sheepishly smiles at Louise as if to say ‘ _okay. ‘_

“ And oh , this is Dan. “ Louise introduced , gesturing to Dan. Dan tries his best not to put an annoyed face but a smile instead , accompanied with a small wave . _He had no reason to hate Hazel , Phil wasn’t his in the first place._

Phil’s head shot up as he heard Dan’s name , because _holy shit ,_ Dan was here? He didn’t even notice! _This is what happens if you’re glued to your mobile device._

Slowly , a smirk finds it’s way onto Phil’s face . Just to tease the brunette , he kneels then grabs his hand , planting a small kiss atop it.

“ _Dan?_ “ He cooed lovingly , his crystal blue eye staring to his. “ That’s a _lovely_ name for a lovely man. _I’m Phil ,_ by the way. “

Louise wanted to slap him right there and now but Dan’s reaction ceased her from doing so.

“ Oh , get up , you _spork._ “ Dan snorted , rolling his eyes as he retrieved his hand . “ You’re acting as if we haven’t met at all. “

“ Don’t know what you’re talking about , princess. “ Phil mused , an amused chuckle leaving his lips. “ I don’t know you at _all._ “

The brunette only shoves the black haired playfully , although he finds himself smiling like doofus .

“ So _you’re_ Dan! “ Hazel chimes in , breaking the magical spell that bloomed between Dan and Phil. Phil doesn’t seem to mind , but Dan did. “ Phil was _just_ talking about you. “

Phil’s face reddened as he glared at Hazel , making a face as if to say ‘ _What the fuck , Haze?! ‘_. Dan , however , felt his heart jump at Hazel’s words. _Was he really talking about me in front of his gir- friend? “_

Seeing Phil’s upset face , Hazel sticks out her tongue at him like a child. “ Yep! He sounds pretty happy when _you’re_ the topic , too! “ She added , teasing Phil even more. Though before she could even say anything else , Phil stands up from his position and covers her mouth; refraining any more _lies_ to be spilled.

“ Don’t listen to her. “ Phil hissed , tightening his grip around Hazel’s mouth. The blonde pushed his hand away after , pouting at Phil but smiled afterwards. _Maybe Hazel isn’t that bad after all ,_ Dan thought.

“ We bought some Starbucks for everyone , by the way. There’s 5 of ‘em , I got you the Strawberry one and the others are random.. Sorry! I have no idea what their preferences. “ Hazel said , pointing to the drinks that they bought.

After that , they pretty much exited the building together. Hazel and Louise started chatting about who knows what , leaving Dan and Phil behind to follow the girls.

“ Oi. “ Phil whispered , nudging Dan by the shoulder as he handed him a drink. It was a chocolate frappe , the only drink he ever got from Starbucks most of the time. He wasn’t much of a coffee lover compared to his friends , he always preferred chocolate instead. “ For some reason , I thought of you when Hazel asked me to pick another one. Since you liked chocolate , I picked _this._ And wow! Coincidence , you’ll be able to drink it. Small world , eh? “

 _Phil was thinking about me?_ He felt his heartstrings pluck at those words , a blush instantly creeping to his cheeks. _Oh my god , is this what love feels like?_

“ It’s a small world indeed. “ Dan agreed with a goofy smile , the smile that only  _Phil_ can paint on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA hey wow fun fact im in the province so rip wifi?? expect slow updates till i return im so soRRY
> 
> this was supposed to be longer than it is tbh but i kinda got tired. dw the hangout is supposed to be really long and a lot of things will happen okokok so pl s forgiv e me for this chap with ?? little events A aa aa A AA a a also i rlly like hazel's character here B)
> 
> im in the process of writing a short story entitled Deux Oiseaux which will hopefully be in the phandom big bang this year?? idk man but ayee it's chaptered and i've got everything planned B)
> 
> hope you enjoyed the ud tho lol


	16. will someone tell him he's enough?

 

**15** ****

The four of them managed to get back into the car in a short time . PJ was now sitting in Dan’s spot but Dan didn’t mind , he insisted to sit in the back instead along with Phil . The entire group seemed to give Dan weird faces as they saw Phil , their looks throwing daggers whenever Phil would look at one of them . A somehow furious look was on PJ’s face as he spotted the punk , his expression screaming ‘ _What the actual fuck is he doing here ? ‘_. Phil tugged Dan’s shirt , a worried expression on his face as he mouthed ‘ _should I just go? ‘_. Sure , hanging out with Dan would be fun , but he didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s day. Dan gave Phil a reassuring smile along with everyone else , telling them that it was OK and he wanted Phil to join them , too . They had _no_ idea what happened to them in the first place , anyway.

In contrary to seeing Phil , everyone else seemed delighted by Hazel’s presence. Dan was honestly surprised that they even knew her in the first place while he didn’t , nonetheless he was glad that there was at _least_ a good thing about Louise bringing in two other people.

And as Chris started the car , different people started to have different conversations. The girls gossiped about girly things and TV shows whilst the boys in front chatted about video games and manly stuff. That left Dan and Phil in the back of the car with silence as a conversation accompanied by awkwardness.

“ So. “ Dan started , an attempt to somehow start a conversation to crack the awkwardness between them. “ A _date ,_ huh? “

Phil sighs , ashamed that he was caught red-handed. He didn’t really expect that he was going to tag along with _Dan’s_ friends , so he thought lying about the situation would be fine. Turns out it wouldn’t be , much to the punk’s dismay. “ Look , I didn’t know that you were coming here , okay? Technically it was _supposed_ to be but Hazel wanted us to hang out with other people. Turns out it was _you_ guys. “

“ That’s not the point. “ Dan said calmly. He wasn’t too happy with the fact that Phil was lying to him . The first step to friendship was actual trust with one another , and although it sounds a bit overdramatic for him to treat this as if it were some initiation to officially befriend Dan , he _still_ wanted Phil’s trust. “ You’re lying to me. Friends don’t lie to each other. “

“ I know. I’m sorry , okay? “ Phil muttered , the word _sorry_ still foreign to his lips. He wasn’t really one to apologize often , despite his lack of interactions with actual people. “ I just...I didn’t want you to think I had _actual_ friends other than you and Haze, because I _don’t._ “

Dan’s eyebrows frowned with a concerned look dancing on his face. “ Don’t say that. You don’t have friends because you don’t _try_ to get some. You’re making it sound like they don’t like you at all. “

 _They don’t._ He wanted to say but decided it would just make things worse. He had to change the topic. “ I’m surprise you’re still not sick , knowing that we cuddled a _lot_ yesterday. “ He drawled out with a smirk.

Dan shot Phil a dirty look as his cheeks grew red , evidently embarrassed by Phil’s words. “ Hush! “ He shushed with a finger on his own lips. “ The _last_ thing I want everyone to know is we slept together! “

Phil’s smirk only grew at this , finding Dan cuter when he was flustered. “ _Oh?_ Why not , _baby?_ It surely is a privilege to sleep with the one and only Phil Lester . I can say vice versa , too . “

“ Phiiil _!_ “ Dan whined as he pouted like a child. _This boy truly has no shame._

“ _Daaan!_ “ Phil mocked with a teasing grin . “ Alright , alright . I’m kidding . Are you seriously not sick though? It’d be a miracle if you say _yes._ “

Now Dan felt like his previous words were hypocritical. He’d be _lying_ if he told Phil he wasn’t sick , hence the headaches and coughs , but he’d also worry Phil if he told him the truth. _It was either lie to Phil or make him worry._

“ I’m alright. “ He lies , grinning as well to add to his facade. It was better than to make the punk worry , since it’d risk ending the trip too. “ I have a pretty swell immune system if you ask me. “

Phil _knew_ Dan was lying. He wasn’t stupid , his sickness probably passed onto him. It was inevitable , anyway , and the most reasonable explanation why Phil healed so quickly. But as much as he wanted the poor boy to rest already , he could see it in his eyes that he wanted the trip to continue. He’ll allow it , until he couldn’t take it anymore.

“ If you say so. “

The entire car fell into silence for a little while , but was broke by PJ as he exclaimed a ‘ _dammit! ‘_ out loud as he hit on the car’s horn.

“ What’s the matter? “ Louise asked even though you only had to look at the windows for an answer.

“ Traffic. “ Chris answered for PJ , sounding annoyed as well. It _had_ to happen when they were near their destination , too . “ And it doesn’t look like it’s going to end soon , too. “

The entire group groans in response. Everyone except Phil , who didn’t seem too bothered with the problem.

Dan’s condition wasn’t getting any better , too . He felt like he was going to pass out soon if he doesn’t sleep. He didn’t care too much about anything else , so since he was sitting beside Phil , his head slowly fell atop of Phil’s shoulder. Phil flinched a little , startled , but didn’t really mind since it was _Dan._ Besides , he was tired. He needed it.

“ Just sleep for now , pretty boy. “ Phil whispered. “ I’ll wake you up when we get there. “

And so his eyes fluttered close , dozing off to a peaceful slumber in hopes of clearing the migraine.

Phil lets out another sigh , which seemed to be the thousandth today . He always liked it when Dan slept , not in a creepy way at least , he looked so innocent and peaceful. He also liked the feeling of his head on his shoulder , that way he was able to smell him properly. Again , _not_ in a creepy way- Though there was no denying that that sentence _did_ sound creepy. And even though he’s said it a million times already , he always loved that faint smell he had. The smell that smelt of cotton candy and vanilla ice cream .

He couldn’t help but hold his hand , too. It was placed atop his hip , as if it was inviting him to hold it even though only for a while . His hands were smooth , soft and all in all just pleasing to touch. He drew little circles on it with his own hand , which was rough and wounded. Dan’s skin was something pretty , too . It was blemish free and smooth , all in all flawless and well taken care of. Phil was a whole lot paler than him , and his skin was smooth as well but it contained a _lot_ of bruises thanks to the fights he did. Dan was such a beautiful , innocent creature .

As he drew those circles on his hands , he couldn’t help but think. _Friends._ That’s what they were now. Not enemies , not acquaintances , but _friends._ They were actually friends. Dan was known for his innocent smile and kind attitude whilst Phil was known for his menacing glare and cruel attitude. Dan was a magnificent lovable angel and Phil was a frightening hateful devil.

But somehow , the angel befriended the devil.

Dan was surely _too_ good to be Phil’s... _Friend._

Yet he was.

“ Someone’s happy to be someone’s _friend._ “ He heard Hazel tease with a massive grin on her face. Phil would only glare at the blonde , if Dan wasn’t sleeping on his shoulder he would have shoved her by now.

“ _Shut up. “_ He said , rolling his eyes in annoyance. Hazel and Phil weren’t _too_ close , but one thing for sure is Hazel _loved_ to tease Phil and vice versa. It was like the trademark of their friendship.

The blonde only pokes her tongue out at Phil like a 5 year old resulting to Phil to do the same , except less childish in some way. PJ in the back cleared his throat , ruining her and Phil’s small _‘moment’._

“ So , Phil. “ PJ began sternly , his voice low and serious. Phil could already tell that he was going to say some things that weren’t very nice , but the black haired can manage to endure them. “ You and Dan. _Friends ,_ I assume? “

“ Mhm. Got a problem with that? “ Phil agreed as he nodded his head. He wasn’t going to put up a ‘ _polite ‘_ facade when it came to them , they knew what he _really_ was in the first place. “ Is it a crime , _Liguori?_ “

A bitter laugh came from PJ along with a reply. “ It certainly isn’t , Lester. “ He spat out , wording Phil’s name as if it were something disgusting. “ But as far as I could remember , _you_ and Dan weren’t , _dare I say it , friends?_ “

That somehow managed Phil to shut up. He doesn’t say anything but keeps his mouth zipped. If they weren’t in a car and if Dan wasn’t here , he would have punched him by now. He’d tell them what happened , but what Dan and he went through was only for them to know.

“ And when Dan said he wants to help you , didn’t you say ‘ _we’re not friends. ‘_? “ Chris added , his voice as cold.

“ Weren’t you _ashamed_ that you and Dan were _friends ,_ too? You didn’t even want to confirm it whenever the students asked. “ Cat added .

“ Weren’t _you_ and Dan enemies , too? “ Louise interjected.

 _Shut up , shut up , shut up!_ Phil wanted yell to silence everyone but chose not to. They were all right , anyway. He wasn’t worthy to be Dan’s friend. He wasn’t worthy to be _anyone’s_ friend. He was just a worthless piece of crap that his parents threw out , just because he was being himself. But they didn’t know that. They didn’t know _anything_ about Phil , therefore they had no right to say those things. He bit his lip harshly , refraining tears to come out . He was a strong man , why was he letting these pathetic words affect him? He didn’t want to break his _tough guy_ facade either.

“ _Buuuutt_ that’s all in the past , right guys?! “ Hazel immediately cut in , breaking the gloomy atmosphere in the car. She could tell that Phil was going to cry and she wouldn’t allow that to happen , let alone her friend in an upset state. She knew _some_ of Phil’s backstory therefore knew what he’s been through , she knew those words were hurting the boy. “ The past’s in the past as- _er -_ Elsa says! It doesn’t really matter now , _hm?_ What matters is they’re both fine with each other , can’t you see?! They’re basically cuddling right now! “

That last comment was uncalled for but Phil was thankful for what Hazel did. _Thank god she’s here._ The blonde turned to him and gave him a little wink , in which Phil replied with a small forced smile. Their words were like knives piercing into his soul , breaking some patches that he sewn in to cover the holes .

Dan heard each and every comment they made. He would have yelled to stop them , knowing that they were hurting Phil. He may not know what Phil’s been through , but he knows he has a reason for his douche-y personality . He _should have_ yelled at them to stop , but the headache was killing him by simply thinking of a comeback.

He only holds his hand tightly , ceasing him from drawing circles on his palm.

_This trip ought to be interesting_

Fortunately , the traffic went down and they managed to make it to the mall. Phil lightly shook Dan to wake him up as everyone else exited the car.

“ _Mmngh , five more minutes._ “ Dan moaned , refusing to wake up. Unfortunately for _him ,_ his headache didn’t budge to leave. His throat was drier than usual and his nose was starting to get red , he _knew_ he was turning to be paler and thus evidently sick. The _last_ thing he wanted to happen was this trip to get canceled. “ _Just- Five... Five more minutes._ “

Phil could already tell that Dan wasn’t feeling well at all but he didn’t want to bring that up. He _knew_ that he wanted to enjoy the day today , and though it was the stupid and wrong choice , he’ll just wait for _him_ to announce that he’s sick. Hopefully it wouldn’t take long.

“ But you have to. “ He urged , shaking him even more. Dan finally woke up , eyes heavy and vision even more blurry than before. His head hurt so much that he could collapse , but it was something he can manage; he can endure. He just wants to hang out with his friends and Phil , is that too make to ask for?

“ Alright , I’m up. “ Dan said in the most normal way he can. His voice was hoarse , he couldn’t really avoid that but if he won’t talk much during the entire thing , no one would even notice.

Now Phil was really worried. He wanted to take Dan back to his home , _but..._

“ Hey , if you’re worried about my voice and all , ‘skay. It’s just hoarse from the drink, really. “ Dan reassured and gave Phil a smile. The punk _knew_ he was lying , but he could tell Dan was eager to go to hangout with everyone else . He didn’t want to take the fun away from him , _but his health..._ He didn’t even know what was best for him. He’ll take care of him later .

“ Wasn’t even questioning it , but if you say so. “ Phil said , acting oblivious. He didn’t want to act all careful and stuff , he _knew_ Dan would question it if he did. He’ll just have to act like the Phil Dan perfectly knew.

Dan didn’t say anything after that. He just hopped out of the car and walked along with Phil . He would have walked with everyone else but it seemed like everyone was walking with pairs. The girls walked together as usual , PJ and Chris _(_ who , by the way , looked like a damn couple with them too close to each other _)_ and of course Dan and Phil. Dan wasn’t too aware that his own hand snaked to grab Phil’s , entwining their fingers and locking them as well . His hand was cold , but that’s just what he needed for now. He always held hands with his other friends too anyway , so this was fine. Friends can hold hands , _right?_

Phil was a bit startled as he felt Dan’s hand held his. He _never_ held Dan’s hand before , he always held him by his bag or never at all . He didn’t usually hold hands , not even Hazel or any of the girls he dated. Was this what friends did? Hold hands? This was all alien to Phil. He was always reminded of horrible things whenever someone held his hand , despite his past relationship with-- _No._ He shouldn’t remember him. He _had_ to erase _him_ out of his memory.

But Dan’s hand felt warm , soft and safe . He felt a wave of relief wash over him as his hand held his . It felt right , as if his hand was made to hold his.

_Heck , now we look like an actual couple._

Phil didn’t let go , though. He _knew_ Dan was sick so he’ll let it slide this time. He didn’t really want to admit that he liked holding Dan’s hand , he was _scared_ even.

“ We’ll go shopping first , okay? “ Cat told the boys with a devilish grin. She _knew_ PJ ad Chris hated shopping , since they were always the one who ended up carrying all their stuff. And _god ,_ they always bought a mountain of things for some reason. What the _heck_ were they buying for anyway , donations? And what the _heck_ were they buying? _Rocks?_ The bags were always heavy!

“ Yes _ma’am._ “ The two groaned in unison , earning grins from all the girls who giggled in chorus. They’ll get their time later though , in the arcade maybe.

Dan liked shopping and that was obvious. Phil wasn’t a big fan of it either , since his ‘ _girlfriends ‘_ forced him to buy them new stuff and make his wallet cry. Not to mention he had to _carry_ all of his bags as the role of the ‘ _boyfriend ‘ ._ Not all of them , though . Others would make his wallet cry in the arcade , cafe or computer shop. _Still better than shopping ._

As soon as they entered one shop , the girls zoomed in swiftly and excitedly started to browse and try on everything they found cute . PJ and Chris reluctantly followed with their back slouched , cracking their knuckles as they prepared themselves for _hell._ Dan walked in normally , not really feeling any enthusiasm compared to his usual self. _Damn this headache ._

Since he was holding his hand , Phil followed Dan in. He’d give him occasional glances of worry to check on his condition and it wasn’t getting any prettier. Phil frowned , worried for his friend. _God , friend. That still sounds so weird. We’re friends , actual friends. Do friends excessively worry for one another?_

“ Hey Dan , why the long face? “ PJ said as they passed by Dan and Phil. He nudged Dan lightly on the shoulder , waiting for his answer.

“ A-Ah , I’m fine . I’m just... “ Dan tried to think of an answer quickly . “ I don’t think I like anything here , that’s all. They don’t have pastel clothing or flower crowns. “ It was true , though . The entire place was filled with dresses too short and revealing , clothing for both men and women that were _really_ classy. He wasn’t a fan of this type in the first place . He always described them as ‘ _uncomfortable ‘_ and ‘ _too tight. ‘_

“ The girls don’t think the same way , though. “ Chris snorted , looking over at the girls. They looked pretty happy and that’s what mattered , that was the purpose of this trip anyway . _Aside_ from making Dan forget Phil which was basically _not_ the target now since he and Phil were okay.

“ What about you , Philip? You like anything here? “ PJ question hesitantly , not exactly sure why. Maybe Phil wasn’t as bad as they all thought , he deserved a second chance.

“ Nah. “ Phil instantly replied , surprised that PJ was even talking to him in the first place. He wasn’t going to lie that he felt uncomfortable when other people talked to him other than Dan and Hazel , he was used to everyone _not_ wanting to talk to him at all . PJ just shrugged after that and walked away with Chris . Phil was glad , not really wishing to engage in longer conversations.

“ I’m happy that they’re no longer mad at you. “ Dan said out of the blue , smiling brightly. He wanted his friends to get to know Phil and maybe include them in their little group , even if Phil would rarely talk. “ Do you want to get to know them more? “

“ No. “ Phil replied bluntly , his voice stern and cold. He didn’t want to be out of comfort zone , _he didn’t want to trust too many people._ “ You and Hazel are enough. “

Dan’s smile faded to a frown. He should have expected that kind of reply from Phil.

Soon enough , the girls were done with one bag each. That means PJ and Chris had to carry _3_ bags which would eventually be added as they entered the next shop.

They went to 2 more shops and ended up with a PJ and a Chris both carrying 6 bags. That number was surprisingly _small_ for the normal which made the duo glad , the girls promised that the next shop would be the last,

The shop was _luckily_ Dan’s favorite shop , they always sold pastel clothing that was made out of really soft material. Not only was it Dan’s aesthetic , it was also really comfy to wear! They also sold colognes that smelled of sweet and whatnot along with flower crowns and cute stuff like keychains , wallets and bag. The brunette never left the mall unless they went in here.

Dan’s smile grew bigger as he discovered they had new merch , also a sale! They were immediately greeted by the scent of birthday cake as they entered which Dan inhaled eagerly. _Ah , the sweet scent of my second home._

His headache seemed to waver a little bit at his enthusiasm which was good. He wished he could stay here forever so his sickness would hopefully fade away _(_ which wasn’t really possible _) ._

“ Welcome back , Dan! “ Caitlyn greeted , an employee that Dan really liked. She was a brunette like him , with wavy hair and green eyes. She was also the _nicest_ in Dan’s opinion thanks to her gleeful personality and kindness. She looked up at Phil , smile fading away ever so slightly at his sight. You wouldn’t exactly find a person who wore snakebites and tattoos in a shop like this. “ ...And I see you’ve brought your boyfriend. “ She added , assuming that they were together despite their hands.

“ Oh , no , no! He’s only my friend! “ Dan corrected hastily although _god , he wish he was his boyfriend._ “ Um , Caitlyn , this is Phil. Phil , Caitlyn! “

“ It’s nice to meet you , Phil! Will we be seeing you here often? “ She said in the most enthusiastic way she could , she didn’t really like Phil’s appearance. Not to mention he reeked of cigar and strong cologne.

Phil , being the mean guy , didn’t reply and snobs the girl. Didn’t even bother to look at her as well . He wasn’t fond of talking to employees in _any_ shop , same treatment on how he was often reluctant to talking to customers in his own job .

As Dan noticed Phil’s snobby demeanor , he immediately spoke for Phil. “ Sorry! He’s sort of , um , anti social and stuff... “ He mumbled the _anti social_ part , not exactly sure if it was the perfect description. He didn’t want to offend Phil , either.

“ That’s fine. “ Caitlyn reassured , putting on a big plastic grin. She already disliked Phil at this point. “ Can I help you with anything? Or can you browse around yourself? “

“ I believe I could browse around myself this time. “ Dan said . Usually , he’d have her tag along with him as she introduced him their latest items- But knowing that Phil was here , he _knew_ he was going to be iffy with another person around . “ Sorry. “

“ That’s fine! Enjoy your stay! “ She said and walked away. She was thankful that she didn’t have to deal with them anymore , Dan was alright but Phil _wasn’t_ in her perspective.

Dan lead Phil to an area so he could sit down as he browsed and tried on jumpers and sweaters , maybe even flower crowns to match his outfit . He placed him on the seat near the changing rooms as if he were a toy , Phil willingly obliged anyway . He was tired of all the walking and needed to rest himself . He was glad that Dan was a bit jolly at this place , though . It smelled a _lot_ like him , but he still preferred Dan’s smell.

The brunette put on numerous jumpers and pants and flower crowns , exiting the changing room to ask Phil if he looked _okay._ Phil being his usual self always responded with a disinterested ‘ _yeah , yeah . You look human. ‘_. Dan would only pout at his cold attitude , wanting him to look at _him_ and not his _goddamn phone._ The heck was he watching there anyway? _Porn?_ Oh god , not porn. Phil wasn’t _that_ type of person... _Right?_

Dan slips in new clothes and exits the room wearing a pink sweater , beneath them was a plain white shirt. The collar somehow had crosses sewn on them as a design , but that only made it look nicer. His pants were plainly white , flower crown a mixture of pink and white roses. He looked pretty good if you asked him.

“ Hey , Phil! “ Dan called out , hoping that he’d properly catch his attention. Phil looks up , an eyebrow cocking upwards at Dan. “ How do I look? “

“ _Human._ “ Phil said sarcastically then looked back at his phone.

Dan pouted in response , putting on a grumpy face as he stormed back in the room like a bratty boyfriend. Phil _clearly_ didn’t appreciate Dan’s fashion sense or whatsoever , but you couldn’t really blame Phil anyway. Maybe he was sick of the same words coming from Dan.

Hearing loud _thumps_ coming from Dan’s direction , he sighed. “ Alright , alright. You look cute. “ He admitted , words true and genuine. He really _did_ look cute , anyway. “ Geez , you don’t have to ask the same question all the time. Put on whatever you’d still look cute. Hell , put on a damn garbage bag and you’d still look cute. _You’re_ the person who’s cute , Dan. The clothes don’t really affect you too much . “

 _Shit._ Phil’s words were the fuel to Dan’s cheeks that were practically _burning_ by now. He rushed to the door , slamming it shut as he covered his face with his hands. It was _so_ red , Jesus. It wasn’t because he was _sick ,_ it was because of Phil’s _damn words._ No one ever told him something like that and Dan really did appreciate it. His heart wasn’t helping by beating like a _fucking_ drum , too.

He calmed down after a while anyway and left the changing room. He decided to buy half of what he tried . Phil wasn’t where he left him , though , which made Dan instantly search for him.

“ _Phil_? “ He called out as he passed by the different sections and eventually found him. He was holding a big , pink sweater. They seemed to be too big for Dan .

“ Hey , you’d look _really_ cute in this. “ Phil said , showing Dan the sweater. “ You should wear it sometime , yeah? “

Knowing that it was _literally_ too big for him , he had no intentions of buying it. “ No thanks. It’s too big and I think I’ve got enough already. “ He said , gesturing to the clothes he had on his arm.

Phil grabbed the clothes from him before he could even blink along with the _too-big-for-Dan-_ sweater. He plopped all of it in a basket and grabbed Dan’s hand- He didn’t really know why he did that , it just sort of happened- and lead him to the counter.

“ No worries , flower boy. _I’m_ paying for ‘em. “ He said with a smirk and did exactly what he said. As soon as the cashier placed everything he bought in a big bag , he lead Dan outside the store. “ Think of it as a gift from me for the resurrection of our friendship. Er , that sounds weird. Scratch that , think of it as a gift from me. “ He said , chuckling a little. “ And hey , I’ll carry ‘em for you. As far as I know , you’re the star of this whole trip. “

Dan didn’t really know what to say. Phil wasn’t _this_ kind to him before so this was all new to him. He simply mumbles a ‘ _thank you ‘_ and begins to walk along with Phil as they followed the rest.

He couldn’t help but feel bad for Chris and PJ. They were both carrying 10 bags each now and looked like they were going to pass out from the number of bags. Still , _not_ as worse as some days .

“ Do you guys often do this? “ Phil questioned as he tried to walk a little bit faster. They were left behind since they were the last duo to exit the store. “ I mean like , hang out like this and all. “

“ Hm? Oh , yeah...Not really , but most of the time. Especially when it’s break or something. “ Dan said , following Phil’s pace. “ _Why?_ “

“ I.. _We..._ Uh , my... _‘ Friends ‘_ never really did this. “ Phil said without even thinking. “ Before , our kind of hangout was just... Them making me buy whatever they wanted , then making me carry all of that stuff... They’d all talk together , leaving me behind. Like I was some servant or something... “

He’d say the same thing about PJ and Chris , but they were talking to one another. When it was _him_ before , he had no one. No one even bothered to speak to him _unless_ it was them begging him to buy ... _Awful_ stuff. Like drugs or condoms , things that weren’t really good. They’d make _him_ enter the shop alone so he was the one who got ugly faces from the people in the store , since he was a minor and he wasn’t supposed to be _buying_ those things . _No one_ accompanied him , not even his boyfr- _Oh god._

Phil paused from his walking , regretting the fact that he told Dan that. Dan stopped as Phil stopped , a worried look on his face as Phil’s mood seemed to descend from neutral to blue.

“ P-Phil? Are you okay? What’s the matt- “

“ Oh my god , I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have- I shouldn’t have told you that... “ Phil mumbled , struggling to erase the memories that pushed itself back in Phil’s head. He could vaguely remember it. His ‘ _friends ‘_ laughing in chorus , and him watching them from behind as he had an empty wallet and felt like he was used and pushed away. “ P-Please forget about that. You...You don’t need to know about that. Just , forget about it , okay? I.. It- It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter , just forget about it. “

Phil seemed to become silent after that. Dan only felt even more worried for his friend , whatever he said wasn’t good. How could someone treat Phil like that? He wasn’t a toy , he wasn’t supposed to be treated like one.

“ H-Hey ... It’s okay. I wouldn’t treat you like that... “ He felt a little guilty that Phil paid for his clothes after that. Whatever he went through seemed to ruin the meaning of ‘ _friendship ‘_ for him. “ I-I can pay you for these if you li- “

“ No , no. It’s fine. I willingly paid you..You didn’t force me. “ _Oh god ,_ force. The memory of them threatening him , threatening him that they’ll tell his parents what he was doing. The threats that if he doesn’t do as told , they’d force him to do drugs. And then they’d-

_Shit , no. No , no , no , no._

Phil’s face only dropped and his facade seemed to crack. He looked like he was going to cry anytime soon.

“ Oh my god , Phil , I’m so- I’m so sorry! N-No , I , are you okay? I didn’t mean to... “ Dan was fumbling with his words now. He didn’t mean to make Phil remember stuff he didn’t want to recall , he felt _so damn_ guilty now.

The memories shook off after a while. _Thank god._

_Just- Just think about Dan. He’s better. Dan’s good , right? He wouldn’t treat you that way. Dan’s good , he’s kind , he’s soft , he’s better._

_And he deserves a better friend._

_Not a pathetic piece of crap like you._

He brushed those two statements off his head , trying to get back to reality. Because as he looked into Dan’s brown eyes , he felt fine . He felt calmer and better.

“ I’m okay. “ Phil said , sighing. “ I’m sorry that I suddenly spaced out. Um , we should keep walking. I think they’ve left us already. “

Phil doesn’t say anything after that. He just walks briskly , catching up with the others as he pulled Dan with him. Dan followed but frowned at seeing Phil in a state of vulnerability , even though it was only by facial expressions and lasted for a short time. Though he only gave him little info , he could already tell Phil went through _shit._

He’ll wait or him to open up. Eventually , he will.

_He knows it._

They finally arrived at the arcade after a little while. PJ , Chris and Phil threw the bags over the baggage counter and actually had to purchase two cabinets despite the number of bags , even the damn employee seemed bothered by it. The two smiled sheepishly at the employee , embarrassed by their bother and hastily left after that.

“ We should have went here first. “ PJ groaned at Cat , hitting her by her shoulder. “ Even the damn employees are annoyed by your bags. “

“ Oh , it’s fine! What matters is we’re here. “ Hazel said , not ashamed of their doings.

Dan was feeling more and more sick as the time passed by , the arcade was noisy and it didn’t smell pleasant either. It only made him feel _worse_ than what he was currently feeling. But he didn’t want to go home-- Not _yet._

He was hoping they’d play something simple , like the crane or racing. He most likely would let everyone else play but _him_ , as long as everyone else was contented he was satisfied as well. Seeing happy grins on their faces would suffice. He’d join them , but this _damn_ sickness was ruining the entire day for him.

“ Hey! They have karaoke here , that’s neat! “ Louise said , pointing over to some rooms. They all were mini karaoke bars of some sort , and Dan was _definitely_ not up for it. “ One token for each song! You guys up for it? “

Dan was about to shake his head but everyone else exclaimed ‘ _heck yeah! ‘ (_ except Phil , of course _)_ which made him go ‘ _nevermind ‘._ Karaoke can’t be _that_ bad , right? He’ll just say his throat was sore and they _definitely_ wouldn’t force him to sing.

Unfortunately for them , the rooms were only limited to 3 people each so they had to take the big one that was out in the public. The _last_ thing he wanted to was to sing with a hoarse voice and have random strangers laugh at him. Hell , he wasn’t even a siner to begin with! But from the looks of it , everyone else wanted to sing so he had no choice but to just go with it.

PJ and Chris offered to go first apparently , and the two boys must have been exhausted by carrying those bags since they had no _shame_ at all to pick ‘ _Welcome to the Black Parade ‘_ by My Chemical Romance. It wasn’t a bad song , it was _really_ catchy but excruciatingly high in some parts. And as far as Dan knew , _none_ of them were tenor. They went with it anyway , singing like there was no tomorrow as the girls all ‘ _woo ‘-ed_ and cheered for them . The brunette was embarrassed , _did they not know other people were watching?_ But oh well. As long as they’re happy , it was OK.

The girls took turns and their songs were _very_ different from one another. One took a song by The Script _(_ The Man Who Can’t Be Moved _) ,_ one an old classic by Taylor Swift _(_ You Belong With Me _)_ and the last one a new hit by Panic!At The Disco _(_ Death of a Bachelor _) ._ Dan was even surprised that they had that last one on the song book.

“ D’ya wanna sing too , Philip? “ Hazel nudged , shoving the songbook on Phil’s lap. The book was evidently huge therefore heavy , Dan assumed that it contained a lot more songs than he guessed. He was also glad that no one forced him to sing or anything because he wasn’t really feeling it. He was okay like this , watching everyone else have fun as he had his head on Phil’s shoulder.

_Wait.. Head--? On Phil’s..Shoulder? Gah , dammit!_

Phil didn’t mind , though. He was okay with it. He _knew_ Dan needed rest .

Phil , too , wasn’t much of a singer. But it wouldn’t hurt anyone , _right?_

He flips the songbook to the letter ‘ _B ‘_ , crossing his fingers that his song would be there. It hopefully would , there was a _hella_ lot of songs here that it’d be impossible for his song to not be included. His finger ran through the page , eyes surveying for one specific song in the ‘ _BE ‘_ section . Luckily for him , it was there.

“ 29875 . “ Phil simply stated without giving the title or whatsoever . Hazel nodded , running over to the machine to insert the coin and press the right buttons. Much to Phil’s surprise , everyone else cheered for him. He’d expect them to be quiet but it turns out his guess was wrong.

Dan would be lying if he’d say he wasn’t excited for Phil’s song choice. He _knew_ that he and Phil shared the same music taste , Twenty One Pilots , P!ATD and most importantly Muse. He was guessing he might have chosen a song by Muse , it being his favorite band.

But as soon as his eyes looked up at the screen , he _knew_ his guess was incorrect.

It was _Better Off Dead_ by Sleeping With Sirens. Dan himself hadn’t listened to the band too much , thus he didn’t know what the heck the song was about. But coming from the title , he _knew_ it wasn’t going to be a happy song. The intro played and soon enough , Phil was singing.

_He says he wants to end it all_ __  
_When he’s all alone in his room , he cries._ __  
_The way he feels inside is too much for him._ __  
_When all you got is these four walls ,_ __  
_It’s not that hard to feel so small_ _  
_ _Or even exist at all._

Dan frowned. He felt like he was directing these lyrics to himself , not to mention he kept changing the original pronouns that were supposed to be _she._ Could this be what Phil was really feeling sometimes? He could see it in his eyes.

_He doesn’t know he’s beautiful_ __  
_Cause no one’s ever told him so_ __  
_And the demons that he hides is all he knows_ __  
_Or maybe he could fall in love with someone in his life that he could trust_ __  
_And tell him he’s enough_ _  
_ _Will someone tell him he’s enough?_

_In love._ Dan couldn’t help but think of himself. Sure , he _was_ feeling something for Phil- Could be _love ,_ perhaps. He was guessing that it was that but at the same time was unsure. But _god ,_ if Phil only lets himself love Dan- He swears to the _world_ that he’ll love him like there’s no tomorrow. He only has to trust him , that’s all. He has to let go of the past and accept the future that’s in store for him , but Phil couldn’t do that. When he looks into those big , blue eyes he could tell that they hid _so much_ pain. But no worries , Dan will fight for it. He’ll make sure that Phil will be happy in the end. He’ll prove that Phil wasn’t a villain nor an antagonist. _He’ll be happy._

_Maybe I’m better off dead_ __  
_If I was , will it finally be enough_ __  
_To shut out all those voices in my head?_ __  
_Maybe I’m better off dead_ __  
_Better off dead!_ __  
_Did you hear a word , hear a word I said?_ __  
_This is not where I belong ,_ _  
_ _You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone._

As soon as he was done , he puts the mic down on his lap as he takes a moment to breath. Dan could see the sadness swimming in his eyes , he could tell that he meant every word that he said. The entire group seemed to fall silent , too , feeling the same way as Dan felt for him. No , only _Dan_ felt this _feeling_ or Phil. He doubted that anyone else felt the same way.

“ Enough with your depressing crap , let’s have something happy , yeah? “ Hazel said , snatching the songbook from him and pulled Phil up but not before looking over Dan and whispering. “ _Mind if I borrow bad boy for a while?_ “

It’s not like he owns him or anything , but Dan _did_ feel slightly envious. Putting on a big , plastic grin he nods and lets Phil follow Hazel. The blonde handed the punk a mic , selected a song and lead him in front of everyone. Phil seemed reluctant but obliged to Hazel , anyway. The entire group cheered for them , especially Cat who was yelling endless ‘ _woo ‘-s_. As soon as the first chords played , Dan _knew_ what song it was.

_Can’t Help Falling in Love._

_Shit._

With a smug smirk on his face , Phil pulled Hazel close to him; wrapping an arm aroud her. They usually sang duets together whenever she had brought him into the bar so this wasn’t really new. Singing together was something they often did when they , _erm , ‘ dated ‘ ._ Phil sang the first verse whilst Hazel did the second voice and vice versa.

_Wise men say only fools rush in_ __  
_But I can’t help falling in love with you_ __  
_Shall I stay , would it be a sin?_ _  
_ _If I can’t help falling in love with you_

_Like a river flows , surely to the sea_ __  
_Darling so it goes , some things were meant to be_ __  
_Take my hand , take my whole life too_ _  
_ _Cuz I can’t help falling in love with you_

They even sounded so _good_ together , god . How perfect could they be for each other?

The entire group howled and cheered as they sang . To make the show even _cheesier_ , the two started dancing in front as they smiled like idiots. _They_ , _not her ._ Phil was smiling along with Hazel as he held her hand , spinning her under him as she danced along with the rhythm. The fact that everyone else was even cheering the word ‘ _Philzel ‘_ wasn’t helping Dan one bit.

Thing is , it’s not _easy_ to watch the _person-you’ve-recently-found-out-that-you’re-in-love-with-him_ dance with someone else.

It hurt like a bitch , actually.

The fact that he could see Phil’s eyes twinkles made it worse. He was obviously in love with her .

_Take my hand , take my whole life too_ _  
_ _Cuz I can’t help falling in love with you_

The dance was a dance and it did happen. The song was a song but it wasn’t real at all.

To Phil , Hazel was a mere friend. She didn’t mean too much to her but that didn’t mean she meant _nothing_ at all to him. He couldn’t deny the fact that he enjoyed singing and dancing with her , he was basically showing it to everyone as of the moment.

Inevitably , the song ends and the group erupted in cheers and howls. To top it all , Hazel bowed as if it were some performance with a big , goofy grin on her face as she jokingly blows kisses. Phil did the same as well , ‘cept it wasn’t a grin; it was more of his signature smirk that was often forced rather than genuine. The smug smirk he’d do whenever he was satisfied with something.

“ Dan , do you wanna sing too? “

The question didn’t instantly register in Dan’s head. He was still in his own little sea of thoughts , which made PJ’s little question turn out muffled rather than tranquil. Sure , he wasn’t feeling too well and his voice wasn’t meant for singing _(_ especially now _) ,_ but singing was something Dan enjoyed . Hopefully , it’ll be enough to block out the ache that throbbed more painfully than the migraine in his head. The ache in his _heart_ to see Phil happy with someone else that wasn’t him.

“ Alright. “ Dan said with a nod , snatching the songbook without a doubt.

He didn’t know what to sing , he hadn’t planned anything actually. His eyes scanned the book that contained a variety of songs that were arranged alphabetically. He managed to open the book in the _T_ section and _one_ particular song caught his attention. There was no meaning behind it , it was just a random pick.

“ 30789. “ The brunette said flatly , grabbing the mic that Hazel handed to him.

The song started it’s instrumental and everyone else could already tell Dan’s song of choice.

It was _Toxic_ by _Britney Spears._ He wasn’t a particular fan of the artist , really , he just somehow _knew_ the song. There wasn’t a story nor a reason why he chose it so it didn’t really matter. He just _had_ to sing something.

Little did he know , _Phil_ too liked the song a lot himself. He wasn’t a big fan of Britney , either. Hell , _Toxic_ was the only song he knew that was made by her. Yet the song managed to crawl to one of his top favorites , there was just something about it that made it an ear worm to Phil.

_Baby can’t you see , I’m calling_ __  
_A guy like you should wear a warning_ _  
_ _It’s dangerous , I’m fallin’_

_There’s no escape , I can’t wait_ __  
_I need a hit , baby give me it_ _  
_ _You’re dangerous , I’m loving it_

Dan was just singing it the way he normally sings it. _Sexy ,_ but not too much. Hell , a little _less_ actually . Perhaps it was the hoarseness of his voice that made it sound a whole lot better. Honestly speaking , he never really left a place with a karaoke _without_ singing this song , it was like his branding or something.

_Too high , can’t come down_ __  
_Losing my head_ __  
_Spinnin’ round and round_ _  
_ _Do you feel me now_

_Wow._ Phil knew Dan was capable of a _lot_ of things , but he didn’t expect him to be good at _singing._ He managed to make himself sound , well , _sexy_ just as he was supposed to sound like. Something he himself wasn’t able to do; he always ended up sounding like a walrus rather than a person seducing someone. Dan could be truly enticing sometimes; Phil wasn’t going to lie.

_With a taste of your lips I’m on a ride_ __  
_You're toxic I'm slipping under_ __  
_With a taste of a poison paradise_ __  
_I’m addicted to you_ _  
_ _Don’t you know that you’re toxic_

The entire group cheered and howled for Dan as soon as he was done. Dan on the other hand , just wanted to pass out right there and now . His headache was _killing him_ and the jealousy poisoning his chest didn’t help one bit.

“ You were amazing , Dan! “ PJ complimented , shaking his friend. “ I didn’t know you could sing like that! “

Dan tiredly muttered his ‘ _thanks ‘_ as he tried to adjust himself. He _really_ needed to sleep , the pain was intolerable . Luckily , Phil sat up from where he was and sat right next Dan; immediately giving him the privilege to rest on his shoulder.

“ Hey , Dan. “ Phil started , lightly tapping his thigh. He could feel his breathing getting uneven and his body become hotter , it was scaring Phil. Yet , there was _one_ thing he really had to know. “ How do you _do_ it? “

Dan was confused. It was either his headache making things confusing for him or Phil not making sense at all. “ How do I do _what_? “

“ The breathing thing that you did when you sang a while ago. “ Phil explained , hoping asking this wasn’t too awkward. “ Like , how do you sing _sexily?_ “

Dan wanted to giggle. Did Phil _seriously_ want to know how to sing seductively? Hell , he expected that he _already_ knew how to do so. Turns out not. “ Just- Just make it sound like you’re , _um ,_ having sex with someone. That or you’re seducing someone . “

Phil frowned , he didn’t really know what _sex_ was properly. He _knew_ what it was , but he doesn’t... Really _like it._ Due to past experiences , that is.

But it wouldn’t hurt to try , right?

“ It’s a little bit like , well , _this._ “ Dan cleared his throat before demonstrating. _“ Baby can’t you see._ “

“ _Baby can’t you see...?_ “ Phil attempted , of _course_ sounding awfully horrible. He could see Dan stifle a laugh at his endeavor , making Phil hit him on the shoulder as his face grew red. “ Hey , don’t laugh! “

It was hard. He couldn’t hold it so he erupts in a burst of laughter. “ is that how you sound like _seducing_ someone? Oh my _god ,_ Phil! I’m seriously questioning now how you’re able to lure so many _girls._ “

“ Hey , shut up! It’s not my fault! “ Phil argued for his dignity , playfully hitting Dan like a child now. Dan went on and continued to fight him as Phil hit him , tickled him and earned a series of laughter to bubble up from Dan. Soon enough , Phil _too_ was laughing along with Dan. It wasn’t the laughter that was forced , it was the beautiful genuine one Dan always loved. No matter how many times he’s heard it , it will always sound _pleasant_ to his ears.

Everyone else couldn’t help but stare at them whilst giggling. Some of them even had this eyes widened , whispering to the other if ‘ _holy shit is Phil possessed? ‘_ because they have never seen the punk truly happy. It was like a miracle made by an angel , an angel able to lure the devil and make him smile.

Yet , in the midst of their _scene_ Dan started to cough miserably. Phil quit his playing , his joyful expression dropping to a worried one instantly. “ Oi , Dan! You should _really_ be resting right now. “

Being a worried friend , Louise immediately sits beside Dan and rubs his back. “ Dan? Are you sick? Why didn’t you tell us?! “

“ I didn’t want to- “ _cough “ -T-_ To ruin the trip. I just wanted to- “ _cough_ “ - Have f-fun with you guys. “

Louise gave him a sympathetic smile and a sigh. They should have known , the signs were obvious. No wonder he was acting too shady the entire day!

“ Dan... “ He muttered. “ You shouldn’t have done that. Your health is more important than anything , okay? We’ll just grab the food from the pizza place then we’ll leave. You can go to the car now if you’d like. “

Dan would have said no , but he was feeling really tired therefore couldn’t handle it anymore. “ Okay. “

“ Phil , can you take him? “ PJ asked shakily. They couldn’t fully trust Phil _yet ,_ but seeing their little ‘ _moment ‘_ made them think otherwise.

“ Alright. “ Phil nodded. It’s not like he had a choice anyway. And seeing Dan in pain wasn’t pleasant at all.

Dan and Phil were walking together in the mall , an inch apart from each other as they lead themselves out of the exit and then to the parking lot. Dan’s walking seemed to weaken , Phil observed , knowing that he was excruciatingly _sick_ and forced himself to have fun , he knew his body was going to give in soon.

Phil sighs , gesturing Dan to _stop_ as he crouched ever so slightly , pointing to his back after.

“ Get on my back. “ He ordered.

“ But- “

“ Just , get on my back , okay? I don’t care if you’re _heavy_ or whatsoever , you can’t handle it. Just get on my back. “

Reluctantly , Dan did. He climbed atop of Phil , Phil’s strong hands gripping Dan’s thighs. Just by the contact alone Dan was already blushing furiously. He put his head on his shoulder , trying his best to relax.

The weird looks and homophobic whispers they got from the others was inevitable , but they didn’t mind. They managed to exit the mall without anyone questioning them or whatever . The car in the parking lot was a bit far so they had to walk a little bit more. That only gave them time to inhale the cool afternoon wind the day had to offer.

Dan felt his heartbeat quicken and those butterflies erupt in his stomach. It always happened whenever Phil was kind to him , even before. He took a peak at Phil’s face , those beautiful eyes of his were directed at the path. _Was he blushing...? His pale face is growing slightly red._

“ Hey , Phil. “ The brunette whispers .

“ Yes , Dan? “

“ You’re enough. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck that was longer than expected
> 
> ims orry if the end was crappy im really tired wtf


	17. bandages removed & wounds exposed

 

**TW : Mentions of suicide & depression , homophobic slurs.** **  
****( there’s also a part where there’s hate against religion** **  
****or something if that’s triggering but it’s all words** **  
** **anyway so idk just in case )** ****

**16** ****

Soon enough , he feels light snoring emit from those pretty pink lips; vibrations sent down his back . He sighs , those two words drawing a stupid smile on his face.

_‘ You’re enough. ‘_

_You’re saying that as if you know, Howell._

Though he’d be lying if he’d say those words didn’t make his heart flutter.

Crystal blue eyes gaze to the boy rested against his back . Dark brown strands fall to his closed eyes , an innocent expression painted on his face. A small chuckle escapes Phil’s lips as he mumbles to himself.

_You really are something else , Daniel._

-

Finally , he rises from his slumber. His eyes flutter open , adjusting it’s vision for everything was a blur. _Black , white , gray and dark blue_ is all he sees; the TV an exception , flashing a gameplay of Mario Kart. He has a clear sight of the black haired boy’s back which was adorned with a pretty rose tattoo trailing from his shoulder blade to his lumbar. Terror hastily rushes through his veins , sending panic to his mind as his eyes fall to his own body; _black._ He was wearing pajamas that were completely black- these _obviously_ weren’t his. Despite the fact , he could only come up to _one_ conclusion...

_Did Phil and I . . . ?_

Alas , as the thought completely registers , a scream wishes to rip out from his throat but came out as a cough. _Oh , that’s right. I’m sick._

Phil’s head turns over to Dan , his sudden coughing catching his attention. He was wearing glasses which Dan didn’t get to see before , it only made him look even _more_ attractive to Dan’s eyes. “ Oh. “ Phil said bluntly. “ You’re awake. “ _Why , yes I am._

Phil was shirtless and was wearing nothing but black jeans. That only adds evidence to Dan’s conclusion. Blood rises up to Dan’s cheeks as he attempts to let a coherent sentence slip off his tongue , but of course fails horribly.

“ D-Did y-you and I... _?_ “ He stutters , words stumbling out of his lips. _I wasn’t drunk! Why can’t I remember what happened yesterday or last night?!_

A huff slips out of his lips as he returns to his game as if Dan wasn’t even there.

“ No. “ He blankly replies , returning to his game. He finishes the last lap; ending as the first placer . _Victory._ He throws the controller to the other side , stretching his back as he exits the room.

 _Oh._ Dan’s _still_ a virgin fortunately. He lets out a relieved sigh , glad that he _still_ hasn’t lost his virginity . _But still.._

“ T-these clothes aren’t mi- “ His sentence was cut short as Phil left the room , slamming the door shut. _Still rude as ever , Phil Lester._

He lets out an annoyed huff as he promptly plops himself back to his bed , grabbing the duvet and covering himself with it. He has set the air conditioner to 16 degrees making the room awfully cold. It was already _damn_ cold outside , why the hell did he make his room cold as well? Eventually , Phil returned to room with a plate of pancakes on his hands along with a shirt on his body.

“ Use your common sense , I _changed_ your clothes myself. “ Phil said , answering his unfinished question. He places the plate on his study table to let it cool down for a while. He then grabs a small table , placing it on the bed right in front of Dan and places the plate of pancakes there. _Breakfast in bed._

Dan sits up , Phil’s words painting his face red . He opens his mouth to say something but was cut off when Phil places a finger on it to shush him.

“ There’s nothing to perv on you , pretty boy. Besides , aren’t you going to appreciate the pancakes I made you? “ He said , handing him a fork. “ Now , eat up. You’re not going to get well at all with an empty stomach. “

Dan really wished Phil would just feed him , but he was too shy to ask anyway so he fed himself. He still has no idea how he ended up in Phil’s house. The last thing he ever saw were trees and the sky as he fainted on Phil’s back... _Oh._ He passed out and probably slept for a long time due to his sickness.

Suddenly , Phil grabbed the fork from Dan. “ Hey! “

“ My mistake , should be feeding you. You’re the guest , aren’t cha? “ Phil smirked , poking the fork with pancakes against Dan’s lips. “ Now , eat up baby boy. “

“ Oh my _god ,_ quit it with the endearments. “ Dan mumbled as he took the pancakes in his mouth. He actually liked it , Phil calling him cute nicknames and everything but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Only lovers call each other cute nicknames, and he and Phil _weren’t_ dating and he doubted that they ever will.

“ Hm? What’s the matter , _babe?_ “ Phil teased , his smirk growing . He was seriously oblivious on how he was hurting Dan. “ Don’t you like it when I call you cute nicknames , _love_? “

_Love._

_If you only know how much I want you to call me that._

“ Seriously , stop. It’s not funny. “ The brunette said even more serious than before. He hated it , hated how he was so _fucking_ in love with this boy and he had no idea that he was. Didn’t he know he was hurting him? Didn’t he know how much he wanted Phil to call him those names , except that it’d be _real?_ His heart was an idiot. Why did he choose him?

“ Alright , alright. I’ll stop. “ He didn’t want to. But there was something in Dan’s tone that told him he needed to , he wasn’t exactly sure why but he’ll follow whatever his gut says. He kept feeding him the pancakes till he finished the whole plate then placed the plate and table down after. “ Also , Louise gave us some pizza and other stuff that’s in my fridge. Y’know , food they bought yesterday after the arcade stuff. You wanna eat it? “

Dan mumbled a _no thank you_ and slipped under the sheets , finding a comfortable position so he could rest. He placed a hand on his forehead , he was _really_ hot thus very sick. He hopes that sleep would cure his illness.

“ Alright , sleep well then. “ Phil whispered , ruffling his hair and tucking him properly. He wanted to talk to Dan or maybe play a game with him or two , but he understood that his health was his main priority. He did need sleep , after all. He could do other things to distract and entertain him.

Time flew by quick and all Phil did was read a book. This went on for about 5 hours so eventually , he had to leave for work.

Sooner or later , Dan woke up . He ruffled his hair , rubbed his eyes and yawned rather loudly. His head was feeling less painful now , it _still_ ached but not as much as before. His vision was blocked by a huge paper taped on his forehead . He removes it to read it , it was obviously from Phil.

_Hey._

__  
_Sorry that I had to leave. Work and all._ __  
_You can get anything you want from the fridge ,_ __  
_’ make yourself at home ‘ as others say. Just don’t_ __  
_leave the house without me knowing it. Outside’s_ _  
_ _pretty dangerous honestly. I’ll be back soon._

_\- Phil._

Well , he should have known. Even though he wanted to get back to bed and sleep till Phil returned , he was feeling quite nosy and wanted to search around Phil’s room for interesting stuff. Yes , it was wrong , but it was just his curious side waking up.

It seems like his entire flat was air conditioned. Did he not worry about his electric bill? Oh well , that wasn’t Dan’s problem but he was surely concerned . Everything in his lounge was mostly black and lacked colors. Did Phil do this on purpose for he sees his life as something that’s monochromatic? This boy really does need some help. Someday , he’ll paint Phil’s life with colors and a smile on his face.

There wasn’t anything interesting in particular inside Phil’s flat , but one thing Dan noticed is he didn’t have any picture frames or whatsoever. Normally , in every house you’d find them wouldn’t you? To recall and savor the memories that are all kept in one picture. Phil didn’t have that. Did he not have any memories he wanted to keep? His family? Brother , sister or maybe even friends? Dan frowned. It looks like Phil’s life did not just lack color , it also lacked good memories.

Snooping around wasn’t right , it was basically violating other’s privacy but Dan couldn’t help himself. In the drawers , though , there was something _very very_ interesting that caught Dan’s eye. Something he did not expect Phil would have.

It was a notebook with a leather cover and at least 200 pages. There wasn’t anything on front , just a plain cover.

It was Phil’s diary.

Peeking into someone’s diary was basically peeking in someone else’s history , invading their private stories that they do not wish to share. Reading a diary that isn’t yours could be considered morally wrong. Dan knew this , but since it was _Phil’s_ he was itching to just open it and read it. He wouldn’t know anyway , right? He doubted he had anything too secretive to share. He knew a lot of stuff about Phil , not all , but quite a lot. It’s not like he would mind , _right?_

Hesitantly , Dan opened it and started to skim through the first few pages. There wasn’t much , he didn’t write everything like everyone would which would be basically writing _everything_ that happened in that day. It was simply only a summary or at least something else . It was more like a vent book than a diary , which was _worse ._

He noticed that he started writing here when he was in the 2nd year of highschool , the year when he was the _new kid_ in school. Dan entered their school when he was at the 3rd grade so he wasn’t really new. He could still remember those days , when Phil was new and he was the talk of the school. You didn’t exactly see anyone with piercings , snakebites and dyed hair here. Weirdly , everyone was either normal or something that wasn’t _emo_ or however you’d describe Phil’s aesthetic. This was why Phil immediately became the talk of the school.

So everyone talked about him and gossiped about Phil despite being the _new kid_ that stood out in the crowd. Dan himself hated gossip so he didn’t really talk about Phil too much , he only heard stories from his friends like Cat and Chris. As far as he knew , _bullies_ tried to hurt him as a ‘ _welcoming ‘_ to their school , yet their ‘ _welcoming ‘_ was ruined since Phil beat them up before they could even do so . This _story_ got around the entire school fast , thus no one dared to talk to Phil or even interact with him. Some tried to be _brave_ and fight Phil , but miserably failed. It was like that boy wasn’t even human! He _never_ lost a fight against anyone- If you don’t count that _one_ incident with Nathan.

Then , there was the time where he started to play around with girl’s hearts. Thanks to his alluring charm and fighting skills , he managed to capture the hearts of many. You wouldn’t really see that often in stories , Princesses falling for a Wolf- But it seems like this tale wasn’t one of the normal ones. Phil dated a few , broke their heart and made them cry. This was around the 3rd year , he didn’t date too much in the 4th year.

Dan himself didn’t have too much history with Phil in the past. ‘Cept the times he’d tease him in biology and more , the time he labeled Phil as a wolf. That was basically it. Due to the stories he’s heard of Phil , he immediately despised his existence and didn’t bother to talk to him at all.

_But look at them now._

There wasn’t too many things that were interesting in his ‘diary’. It was mostly just ramblings about his day , how annoying were the girls he used to date and whatnot. He couldn’t help but chuckle whenever he saw his own name in his entries , they either made him blush or irritated.

_02/20_

_Saw flower prince today. He got mad at me , though. His flower crown fell and I tried to return it to him , apparently he accused me of ‘ stealing ‘ it. Gee , calm down! It was pretty funny though , his expression was priceless! What was his name? Dan? Nah , flower prince suits him way better._

_05/18_

_Hey , guess who’s my partner for biology? That’s right! Flower prince. He got really annoyed and that smile of his always disappeared whenever i sat next to him. Gee , couldn’t he be any more thankful? Sitting with the great Phil Lester was a privilege ! He should be happy._

_07/05_

_I just realized he has dimples whenever he smiles. ‘ He ‘ being flower prince. Cute._

_07/06_

_Alright , ‘ he ‘ is indeed cute but really annoying. He’s stubborn and a narcissistic. He’s wasting his good looks._

_09/30_

_Flower prince just labeled me as a wolf._

_10/20_

_He bumped into me today. He then yelled and scolded me for not looking around properly. Lmao , I’m not a mirror now aren’t I?_

_12/05_

_I saw him today in the mall. Looks like he was on a date with some dude. Haha , I feel sorry for the guy. He has to put up with his cruddy attitude._

_01/16_

_Omg i made myself look like an idiot today. I slammed the door in class really loud and he yelled at me ‘ do you wanna slam that door any louder?! ‘ and I couldn’t think of a sassy comeback , so the words ‘ your mum’s a door ‘ just slipped off my lips. He must have found that funny because I saw him bite his lip in attempt to hide a smile._

_01/17_

_He looks better when he’s smiling honestly_

There was a lot more than that but Dan didn’t get a chance to read everything. Wouldn’t your heart flutter when you find out that your crush talks about you a lot in private? Because Dan’s heart did.

In the midst of his writings , there wasn’t anything else that caught his eye. Normally ramblings and whatsoever , but after like 20 pages or so it stops. Dan checked the last pages hoping he wrote something _there_ and instantly regretted it.

His handwriting was sloppy and obscured , the page’s textures felt were dry. It was like the person was crying as they wrote the entry that eventually dried up as the years passed. Dan felt a shiver ran up his spine as he read them , fingers running on the pages .

He couldn’t even bear to read them. It was all ramblings about Phil just wanting to _end_ it all , how he was so done with everything and was questioning his existence. It also included nightmares he’s had about his family and... _Boyfriend?_ No. Phil had a boyfriend? He thought he was _straight..._ But he wasn’t entirely sure of his sexuality , yet _that_ wasn’t the point.

Everything written on the last pages were absurd. He was often mentioning his ‘ _boyfriend ‘ ,_ parents and how miserable his life is. It was long with messy handwriting which made it hard to read. He couldn’t make out an entire story out of it , though . His heart felt heavy as he read all of these , feeling so sorry for whatever Phil went through.

Whatever Phil went through must have been pretty rough. Coming from all the things he’s written and whatnot , but Dan wished he knew even more.

-

Work , as always , was boring.

Not too many customers came today which was fortunate for Phil. He wasn’t alone either , his co-worker Evan decided to come today so that meant Phil didn’t have to do all of the work. His head wasn’t even thinking about work , it always reverted back to _Dan._ Was he doing okay? Was he hungry , in pain? Oh , he regretted going to work today instead of staying home and taking care of him. But if he _didn’t_ come his chances of getting fired would be high. His pay wasn’t that high , but it was enough so he could take care of rent and his food. He didn’t want to rely on his grandma _all_ the time.

_Speaking of grandma , I should visit her someday._

There were a few girls who only appeared to be window shopping which was something Phil really hated. Why the _heck_ did you even come in the first place when you’re not even going to buy anything? In Phil’s eyes , it was pointless. Not to mention they were _irritating_ with their endless bickering and whatnot. If Phil could only kick them out , he _fucking_ would in a heartbeat.

“ Hey , Taylor , how does it feel like to fall in love? “ The brunette somewhat cooed at the blonde , twirling her hair with her finger. _Typical flirty girl._

“ Well , it’s similar to how books and movies describe it! “ ‘ Taylor ‘ giggled. “ The entire world freezes , like time stopped just so you can savor the moment with them. Then , everything else would be a blur except _that_ person you’re looking it. Their smile enraptures your heart and sends those cliche butterflies in your stomach. You’re in awe , dumbfounded on how beautiful someone can be- Even if they have flaws , they’re perfect in your eyes no matter what. Sounds amazing , doesn’t it? “

Those girls proceed to giggle like little teenage girls. Phil couldn’t help but roll his eyes at them , astonished on how stupid can someone be. She said it herself. How _books and movies_ describe it. Most movies and books are labeled as _fiction ,_ aren’t they? And _fiction’s_ description is something that’s created by your imagination. It’s not real , it’s all fake and made up stories to bring false hope. Books and fairytales are nothing but lies printed on paper.

Because the _real world_ isn’t some cliche film or romantic story fiction , it was an absurd cruel place that’s shoves what _reality_ actually is. Fantasy wasn’t a word in the world’s dictionary; they were all _lies._

_Idiots._

The girl must have saw Phil’s cold glare , because as soon as their eyes met the brunette whispered something to their friend and they hurriedly left the shop. _Good riddance._

The boy took a quick glance at the clock to check what time it is. _5:00._ His shift doesn’t end until 9 or something , he _prays_ that no one else would come so he could just sleep the entire time till 9 PM comes. He didn’t want to deal with anything else after their cheeky , annoying girls.

Just as he buried his head in his arms , the chimes rung signaling that someone came in. Phil gave out a disgruntled grunt and looked up , hand in his hair as he scratched his head.

“ How may I help y- “ Phil greeted in a flat tone but was cut off as his eyes met the customer.

_Holy shit._

Ginger dyed hair trailing up to her shoulders along with striking blue eyes. A woman of her 50’s with chapped lips. A woman Phil used to call _mother._

“ My , Philip. Didn’t expect to see you here. “ She whipped out , British accent thickly coated her words. That voice Phil used to fucking _love._ “ Well , that was a lie. I expected you to grow out _more_ pathetic than you actually were. Look at you now , proving my words to be _cor-_ “

“ _You_ should learn how to shut up. “ Phil shot back . He wasn’t afraid of disrespecting the woman or looking impolite , he no longer gave a shit about _her._ Not after what she did. “ _You’re_ dumb enough to believe that I actually give a shit about whatever you’re saying. “

“ Oh , I _am._ Because you actually do , don’t you? “ She retaliated , calm as ever.

Why did she have to come and bring that pain back to Phil’s heart? _She_ was the reason why Phil no longer believed in love , hope or _sympathy._ The woman who gave him false hope that his life wasn’t as bad as he thought , only to prove that his life _was_ shitty and wasn’t going to get any better. It was only going to get _worse._

Just looking at her makes him want to _cry._ He could still remember it. Her sweet scent of cinnamon as she wrapped his arms around him , protecting him from everything that wanted to hurt him. Those sweet nothings he whispered to his ears , telling him that everything was going to be okay and he was no longer going to feel pain... Those words were all lies. Just so he could have high hopes and she herself would crash them with her very own hands.

She was nothing but a filthy , dirty liar like _everyone else._

Equally disgusting as everyone else in this cruel , monochromatic place.

“ Tell me , Philip. Ever found someone who _loves_ you truly? “ She cooed , an amused smile toying her lips as she places her fingers on her chin. Phil couldn’t respond. “ Hm? Oh , _no one?_ Should have known. You’re _never_ enough to win someone’s love , just pathetic and terribly _disgusting._ “

“ Shut the _fuck_ up! “ Phil yelled , slamming his fists on the table. Her words were weak , naturally those kind of words wouldn’t leave a dent on his soul. But knowing that it was coming out from someone he _used_ to love hurt. “ You’re _fucking_ disgusting , making me think that you actually _love_ me when in the end , you reveal that you only set me up! You didn’t love me , you- “

“ _Pitied_ you. “ She chortled . “ Oh , how sweet. We can still finish each other’s sentences! I would have cared for you even more as a son , Philip. But you kept destroying yourself , and that time when you I found out you were _gay?_ Truly disgusting. I can’t bear to think I’ve taken care of a _faggot_. _“_

 _“_ Thanks, but no thanks. I’d prefer no love at all than _fake_ love. “ Phil snapped. “ I should have known , anyway. If you _truly_ loved me , you would have accepted me for who I really was regardless of my sexual preference. But it’s only _pity ,_ anyway- Fucking _useless._ You should have left me rotting in the streets rather than taking me in your house and hurting me in the end. At least if I was _dead_ I no longer have to deal with _your_ shit. I can’t bear to think a disgusting homophobic _liar_ took care of me. “

“ Throwing my words back at me now , aren’t we? Oh , how unoriginal can you _possibly_ be? “ Honeyed words slip out of her lips as she puts on a fake , plastic grin that Phil just wanted to slap off of her face. “ Well then , you’re correct however. I should have _left you_ in the streets to rot and burn in hell. I didn’t want a _sinner_ in my household , anyway. I’m surprise you didn’t burn as you even came in for the first time , because you _should have._ “

“ Cut it with your religious bullcrap! If _he_ was real , I wouldn’t be in such a _fucking_ mess! And he wouldn’t let _demons_ like you exist in this world. Don’t you even know that lying’s a _fuckin_ sin? And how many times have you told me that you _loved_ me every night? You yourself _sin ,_ for Christ’s sake. You’re hypocritical , you _ass._ “

“ And ever heard of the commandment _thou shall honor your father and mother?_ Not to mention you prefer to sleep with people your own _sex._ You’re the _real_ sinner here , between you and I Philip. “

“ You’re _not_ my mother. “ He sneered , he just wanted to _punch_ her , oh god.

“ Oh , that is true. I wouldn’t give birth to a _faggot._ “ She grinned. “ I feel bad for your _true_ parents. They must be _really_ disappointed with their son- Oh , dear me. Did I hit a spot? Didn’t your mother kill your father and herself right in your very eyes? Ohoho , she _surely_ didn’t care about you at all. Didn’t even want to keep the family together , didn’t even think of _you_ as she committed such a crime. You’re not _enough ,_ clearly. “

“ SHUT THE FUCK UP! “ He yelled , grabbing the elder woman by the collar. He wasn’t afraid of the consequences , fucking _arrest_ him after for christ’s sake- He wouldn’t give a _damn._ This woman thought she had the right to _mention_ that horrific scene? How insensitive of her. “ Don’t you _dare_ bring that scenario back up! You have no right to even speak about it in the first place , so shut _your_ filthy mouth. “

Luckily for her , she managed to free herself form Phil’s grasp and put herself back to the ground. “ What? Because I hit _too_ close to home and I’m actually _right?_ The truth _does_ hurt indeed , doesn’t it , Philip? “

Fortunately for Phil , Evan came out from the backdoor with a furious look on his face. “ Ma’am , if you only wish to harass one of our employees , I suggest you _leave._ “ He said sternly. “ You don’t look like you’re going to buy anything. You’re only a bother here , so please leave. “

“ Oh , I _did_ want to purchase one of your plants , but if you really want me to leave then so be it. “ She said , voice and face calm as _ever_ even after such words coming from Phil. “ Goodbye , Philip. It was certainly nice to see you again. “

After that , she exited the shop leaving a Phil looking at the floor and a concerned Evan. He guessed that he heard _everything_ they talked about , thus knowing what Phil went through.

“ Are you okay , Phi- “

“ I don’t want your pity either , Evan. “ Phil spat out coldly , proceeding to grab his bag and exit the shop himself. “ Tell boss I’m sick. Mentally. “

He was greeted by the August breeze and afternoon scent the day had to offer. A flock of birds flew away as he opened the door , startling him slightly.

He began to walk home with her words echoing in his mind on constant repeat. He hated that she had to visit. He hated that he had to remember _those_ stupid memories fate wrote for him. Couldn’t he just be happy ? Was happiness too much to ask for?

He was greeted by the cold breeze his flat had to offer as he entered the door. He assumed that Dan was in his room , sleeping or something. Maybe back at his home even , he didn’t really care. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry , even die while he was at it. Phil stumbled in his own flat , only to see his precious _diary_ left on the cabinet. Obviously , _someone_ read this- And that _someone_ could only be...

“ _DAN!_ “ He screeched on top of his lungs , evidently furious with what Dan did. Did he not know that diaries were _private?_ Where the fuck did he _find_ this?!

Dan came out of his room , with his hair curly and making him look like a hobbit. You could tell that he recently woke up , coming from his messy hair and all the folds on his shirt. “ Oh , Phil! “ He enthusiastically exclaimed with a grin on his face. “ You’re bac- “

“ What the _fuck_ is this?! “ He seethed , cutting his sentence short . He grabbed a hold of his notebook and pointed to it. “ Where the actual _fuck_ did you find this?! “

Dan stiffened. _Shit._ He forgot to put it back in it’s proper place! How _stupid_ can he possibly be?! “ U-Um , Phil , I- “ He stammered , trying to form a proper explanation. “ I just-!! “

“ Did you _fucking_ snoop around in my diary?! “ He accused , yelling at him as his eyes were filled with fury. What’s with all the swearing and why was he so mad? Did something happen in work today?

“ Look , Phil , I’m sorry! I just got curious , that’s all! “ Dan explained , hoping Phil would forgive him.

“ _Curious?_ That’s a poor excuse to snoop around someone’s private property , Dan! “ He chided , tears brimming in his eyes. _“_ Don’t you know that people keep their _secrets_ in their diary?! That’s common sense , Dan! Your _sorry_ won’t do anything , it won’t change the fact that you’ve snooped around my shit and that you’ve read what I’ve written here! Why are you so _damn_ nosy sometimes? _God!_ “

Phil then throws the book against the wall , knocking down some fragile objects. Dan could feel tears streaming down his face. _His_ tears. He hated it whenever Phil was angry , specifically at _him._ He was scary and looked like he had every intention to hurt him , but he never did. Physically , at least. But the _worst_ thing about the scenario was _oh god ,_ he hurt Phil. He didn’t say so , but Dan knew he kept very dark secrets to himself. Secrets that he didn’t want to share with anyone but himself.

“ I-I’m sorry... “ He muttered, wiping his own tears away. “ S-Should I leave? “

Phil doesn’t reply. He just stands there , hands covering his face. To cover the cracks that fractured his mask , to hide what was under the mask. He didn’t want Dan to see him vulnerable. He didn’t want _anyone_ to see him in that kind of state.

_Silence means yes._

Dan quietly lumbers to his door to leave his flat. Phil needed time alone and Dan could respect that. He couldn’t help but recall that one song that played when he first entered his place , the time when _he_ was drenched in the rain and he stayed over at Phil’s for the night. The one that described him _perfectly._

_Leave me alone._

Why was Dan even trying so hard? He could always love someone else , who was less troublesome and had less problems. Therefore starting a love life could be easy , and Dan didn’t have to worry about anything at all.

_Leave me alone._

Heck , he was even in love with another person. He had so many choices that were more better than Phil. They were perfectly okay , mentally stable and all in all had no damage at all.

_Leave me alone._

But his heart chose Phil. His heart chose the boy who had thorns trapping his soul , chose the boy who was ripped at every single edge. It chose the boy who was broken , but in Dan’s eyes was _beautifully_ broken . He found every single shattered piece he had beautiful and promised to love them all no matter what the cause.

Suddenly , he felt arms wrap around him . The scent of smoke and strong cologne he could smell as he heard him whisper in his ear.

“ _Don’t leave me alone._ “

And with four simple words , Dan turns and catches Phil in his arms. Phil feels heavy against his chest as he sobs miserably , knocking both of them down in the process. Before he knew it , Dan was slumped against Phil’s door with Phil against his chest. _Crying._

He didn’t know what happened or why was the boy even crying in the first place , but he eagerly wraps his arms around him and pats him on the back. Did something happen in work earlier today? He didn’t know , but what matters is Phil’s going to be safe in Dan’s sweet , warm embrace.

Phil didn’t know what to say. No one’s really dealt with him in a state of vulnerability , so this was all foreign to him. He just buried his face against Dan’s chest , venting all of his pain out by crying. “ _Why am I so pathetic , Dan?_ “ He choked out . “ Why can’t I-- Why can’t I just be _happy?_ Why does everyone keep hurting me? “

 _I won’t hurt you,_ Dan wanted to say but it’d be a lie. He just did. He didn’t know what to say , fearing that he’d whip out that _I don’t want your pity_ phrase. He didn’t pity him , it was something else but Dan _still_ didn’t know what it was.

“ _Everything that is beautiful , people want to break._ “ Dan quoted , running his fingers through Phil’s hair. “ _And you are beautiful , I’m afraid._ “

It stayed like that for a long time. Complete , utter silence ; the room filled with nothing but Phil’s sobs.

“ _..Dan? “_

 _“_ Yes,Phil? “

“ _Thank you._ “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi lmao im sorry for the delay or smth
> 
> and aa this lacked tone tbh in my eyes im so sorry but i was kinda tired akfjaslfjal  
> also the songs referenced to this song are ' kitchen sink ' by twenty one pilots ( (don't) leave me alone part ) and ugly by nicole dollanganger ( the thing dan quoted lol ) 
> 
> also i'll be fixing the typos in this book ,, i kinda found em so lmao you dont need to check it but i'll fix it asap  
> bye


	18. remove thorns & place flowers

**17** ****

It isn’t exactly comfy to be slumped against the door with a guy heavier than you slumped against your chest.

Dan Howell had to learn that the hard way.

It was 6 AM and the sun was barely up but Dan was. It was a school day today and he _had_ to go , he didn’t want to be marked ‘ _absent_ ‘ anymore. Other than that , he was feeling way better now compared to before- if you don’t count the stinging pain aching in his back. The fact that there was a sleeping Phil Lester on his chest , too. _Especially_ since he was- _Wait. Sleeping... Phil?_

He jolted up slightly as his eyes met Phil against him. He was still sleeping however , it seems like Dan’s sudden movement didn’t affect his slumber. He could clearly recall what occurred last night ; Phil’s sudden breakdown , him falling to his chest and uncontrollable sobbing. Dan being the kind friend he is whispered encouraging words as he rubbed his back and ran his fingers through ebony strands. This kept going on for quite a while till , _well ,_ Phil dozed off. Phil was a whole lot heavier than Dan which left him to no choice but to sleep there with him instead.

It was still six in the morning , school started at nine. He could wake him up or let him sleep.

Before Dan could even decide , Phil’s eyes suddenly opened as his head slowly shot up ; crystal blue eyes meeting cinnamon ones. A red hue arose to Phil’s cheeks as his mind slowly processed last night’s events , embarrassed for his sudden breakdown and passing out on Dan’s chest.

However , Dan seemed to think otherwise for a warm smile was formed by pretty pink lips as he sweetly greeted him with a “ _Good morning._ “

Phil slowly got up and ruffled his hair , fixing his fringe. Without looking at Dan , he mumbles an embarrassed ‘ _Sorry ‘_. Dan only chuckles at the flustered boy as he looks at him , his cheeks were cherry red as blue optics looked down.

“ It’s alright. “ Dan reassured him with a smile. He was glad that Phil wasn’t angry at him for reading his diary- _If_ he even remembers that. It didn’t contain too many secrets anyway , so hopefully it didn’t mean too much to Phil.

Completely ignoring his response , Phil got up and headed straight to the kitchen. “ I’ll make breakfast. “ He announced bluntly. Dan didn’t say anything in return , he only gets up as well , wincing at the sudden pain shot through his spine as he did so. _Reminder to self : Never sleep against a door. Or anything that’s not a bed._

The brunette walked over to Phil’s bedroom to check on his phone. To his surprise , he got at least 12 missed calls from his mother and 5 texts asking where the _heck_ he was. Did they return home? _Finally._ Dan expected a super long lecture when he got home but it couldn’t be too bad , this happened often.

_Not my fault why you two leave almost everyday. It’s like I don’t even exist._

Dan sighed and threw the phone back to the bed. He’ll explain what happened to them later , they’d understand. He was thankful that Phil brought him to his own home rather than back to his , because then he wouldn’t be able to take care of himself despite being the one sick . And if Phil _did_ stay over at his , his dad surely wouldn’t appreciate it.

He’ll walk home later and hopefully Phil would accompany him. That would be after they eat breakfast and after Phil took a bath.

_Speaking of Phil..._

Dan walked over to the kitchen to check how Phil was doing. He was doing pretty alright even from _last night’s_ fiasco , he was glad that he was already fine. He was cooking what seemed to be like bacon and eggs , accompanied by toast to complete the meal. It was a simple cliche breakfast that people in the movies usually have , but Dan wasn’t complaining. Although , the _only_ thing he wanted to complain about was when Phil turned around and revealed his apron.

There was a muscular man’s body printed on it and he was wearing _nothing_ but blue boxers. It was a whole lot tanner than Phil’s skin though , but it was _highly_ inappropriate for something you’d wear in a kitchen- Seeing it may make you spit your orange juice or choke on your eggs.

“ Phil... “ Dan started , a single finger pointing at his apron as he gaped at it. “ What in the actual _fuck_ are you wearing? “

Phil only smirked at Dan’s reaction. Shouldn’t he be laughing? Why couldn’t he appreciate his sense of humor! “ Why , it’s an apron my dearest. “

“ I know it is , you spork! “ He retorted with a pout. “ I mean why the heck does it have to have a half naked man , Is that even necessary ?! “

“ C’mon! It’s adds a nice touch to it! “ The black haired laughed as he continued to fry. “ Besides , it’s pretty much the same thing if I remove it. Right? “

Dan rolled his eyes at his narcissistic remark whilst Phil only laughs. Their little ‘ moment ‘ was something you’d label as _domestic_ if you look at it closely.

“ Just go sit on the dinning table. “ Phil said and Dan did.

Phil came back only after a few minutes with both of their meals. He was a great cook if Dan had to admit , he bet that he’d make a _great_ husband though it saddens him that he’ll never know and this was the closest domestic experience he’ll ever get from Phil. The thoughts of sadness were washed away however as Phil proposed a topic and before they knew it , they were already endlessly chatting about this and that . They got along pretty well , they could both agree that they were basically each other’s soulmates thanks to their similarities.

They fell into complete silence after a while. Dan was texting a friend on his phone as Phil poked his food , a _should I_ or _should I not_ decision processing in his head. He wondered if he should bring Dan along to his planned trip on seeing his Grandma . She pretty much knew that Phil never had a friend although she really wanted him to get one , and maybe showing her Dan would bring a smile on her face. I mean , she pretty much _smiles_ whenever Phil visits but he knows he could do better than that. Perhaps she’ll rejoice at the fact that Phil finally has a friend.

“ Um , hey... _Dan._ “ Phil called out hesitantly . He instantly caught Dan’s attention , his gaze now directed at him rather than his phone’s screen. “ Yes , Phil? “ Dan asks.

“ I was wondering if you would... _Uh ,_ accompany me in... “ The black haired started nervously . He didn’t usually tag anyone along in his trips despite lacking friends - This was very much new to him.

However , in Dan’s perspective; Phil’s words were muffled by the loud banging of his heart. Sheepish asking? Fumbling with words? Accompanying him to somewhere he doesn’t know? Good lord , did the heavens finally answer Dan’s prayers? Was Phil _possibly_ asking him on a date?! Call him overreacting , but he couldn’t help it! He could feel an entire zoo rumble in his stomach as time seemed to cease around them , that pink anime effect replacing the background behind Phil. ‘ _Yes! ‘_ he wanted to screech , ‘ _I will go out with you , Phil! ‘_

“ Dan? Hello? Are you even _listening?_ “

The brunette was torn away from his small anime fantasy . He could feel a blush creeping up from his cheeks , he wanted to slap himself for suddenly falling into a daze. “ U-Um , yeah.. Sorry. I was , _uh ,_ thinking of something. “

Phil gave Dan an unreadable look but brushed it off anyway. “ As I was saying , I was going to visit my grandmother today after school. I haven’t seen her in a long time actually so I thought it wouldn’t be too bad to visit. I was hoping if you wanted to come along? “

 _Oh._ Not a date. Dan was _totally_ overreacting. He felt his hopes suddenly crush as soon as Phil said those words.

Dan didn’t really have any plans for today _or_ tomorrow. Besides , school tomorrow was cancelled since the staff had an important meeting which involved all of the teachers. His parents wouldn’t mind either , since Dan assumed that they’d be in _another party_ or something else. It means spending more time with _Phil_ so , how bad could it be?

“ Sure. “ Dan eagerly says with a nod. He was _still_ sad that it wasn’t a date though , but why the heck was he expecting that anyway?

A smile was drawn on Phil’s face. He couldn’t wait to see a smile on his grandmother’s face , too! “ Really? Thank you! She’s really kind so don’t worry! I’m sure she’ll be happy to meet you and the other way around! “

Dan’s face cracked to a smile as he heard Phil say those words. He was glad that Phil _still_ had a relative that cared about him. He already guessed that his grandma was going to be really nice , judging from Phil’s enthusiasm.

-

Phil waited for Dan to finish dressing up and whatnot. He waited outside their door,not bothering to come in since _Mr.Stay-Away-From-My-Son-Since-I-Assume-You’re-A-Bad-Influence_ was the last person Phil wanted to see in such a perfect morning. It wasn’t too hot outside too , so it should be fine.

After quite a while , Dan came out wearing a pastel pink sweater that was _too big_ for him that he had those things they call ‘ _sweater paws ‘ ._ It was the sweater he bought for him just the other day , and he wasn’t wrong at all ; he looked _awfully cute_ in it.

“ Hey , why don’t you take a picture. It lasts longer. “ Dan retorted as he caught Phil staring. He could feel himself blush as Phil’s eyes were kept at nothing else but him.

“ I was right , wasn’t I? “ Phil said , completely ignoring Dan’s sassy retort. “ Fits you perfectly if I must say. “

He could feel his cheeks burn up by now. Jesus , how and where did he gain the ability to summon those butterflies in his stomach and the ability to paint his cheeks red? This guy was going to be the end of him.

“ Whatever , Lester. “ Dan said. “ Let’s get going , I don’t want to be late. “

-

As soon as Dan and Phil entered the hallway together , word got around fast that they were back together. Despite it being _rumors ,_ others say they were friends again whilst others assumed they were dating _again._ If there was anything they both hated about school , it was the rumors- They didn’t really confirm anything about it and minded their own business.

The same things occurred. Nothing really interesting in particular , if you don’t count the rumors and questions Dan was told and asked. The feeling that he and Phil were friends again was certainly _kinda_ new though , it was refreshing to say at the least. When it was Phil’s homeroom class , Dan glanced over at the window only to see him leaned against the wall. Dan grinned , waved at him and Phil did that cutesy wink and waved back. It certainly feels great to be back as friends.

Lunch came in eventually. Phil was sitting in the same swing of the same playground where he usually sits. Dan bounced over to him and sat on the swing beside it , greeting Phil after doing so. They chatted about video games and music , a lot of things that entertained them both. They really got along pretty well.

“ Did you see that one writing contest they held? “ Dan question the other. Yes , there was in fact a writing contest being held as of the moment. The student council was mostly managing it , the winner had a high chance of their book getting published. Dan himself enjoyed writing but he wasn’t really competitive himself , so he wasn’t interesting in joining the contest at all.

“ Oh? Yeah I guess. It’s cool. “ Phil said , uninterested . It was clear that he didn’t really like contests either.

“ Do you plan on joining? “ He asked. Maybe Phil writes too , who knew.

“ Nah. “

“ Why so? “

“ Contests aren’t my thing. “ He replied bluntly , kicking the stone he found on the grass. He wasn’t really fond of people competing just to win a medal or a trophy , it seemed pointless to his eyes. “ They’re just stupid events to make others feel a whole lot better about themselves and others feel like they’re not enough. “

Dan didn’t know what to say. He was right , but that was somewhat _too_ blunt.

“ Can you write? “

Phil’s head suddenly shot up at Dan’s question. Can he write? Of course he could! That wasn’t even a sarcastic remark. He _could_ write , yes , but he rarely does .

“ Course I can. “ He replies. “ Why do you ask? “

“ Nothing , just curious. “ The brunette said. “ Hey , if you can write , can you write me something then? “

“ Pffrt , why should I? “ He snorted , standing up and stretching his back. Writing him something wouldn’t be hard anyway , he’d do it in his free time if he could. Why was Dan so curious about him and writing anyway?

“ No reason. I just want to see how you write. “ A simple reply for a simple request. Well , it wasn’t _that_ simple but it’s not like he asked him to write him a whole fucking book anyway.

“ Alright then , Howell. I’ll write you a goddamn thing , but you’ll have to wait for it. “

Dan pouts at his response. Oh well , still better than nothing at all.

“ Did you also hear about the Muse concert? “ Phil added , returning back to his swing. It wasn’t exactly a concert , they were merely going to have a show somewhere. They were going to sing some of their old hits which he _really_ wanted to go to , Muse being his favorite band.

Dan literally jumped off of his swing . “ WHAT?! “ He screeched , the sudden reality piercing into his dumb obliviousness. His favorite band was going to host a concert where he was and he was completely oblivious?! “ Where?! When?! “

“ Somewhere ‘round here , I dunno. It’s not pretty far though and tickets aren’t too expensive. “ Phil shrugged as if it wasn’t a big of a deal. He would have been freaking out like Dan as well , but he managed to control himself and half of it was an act. He found Dan’s reaction quite hilarious.

The brunette wanted to run over to Phil and shake him , yell at him on why he was acting so neutral rather than freaking out like him. His inner fanboy was starting to explode within him at this very moment. “ Why are you unaffected?! “ Dan cried “ Muse is coming! This is legit fucking amazing , this happens once in a blue moon! “

“ Calm down , tiger . It’s not like they’re going to marry you or anything. “ He joked with a snort , a smirk growing on his face. “ It’s the next Saturday by the way. Better save up now , hm? “

Dan opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by the sudden cry of the bell. Unfortunately , it was time to go back to class.

With the smirk still kept on his face , Phil stood up from his seat and pushed Dan’s lower chin upwards to close his mouth. “ Better close your mouth , pretty boy. You’re making it look like you’re inviting me in it. “

-

Classes ended eventually. Dan waved his friends goodbye and he scurried off to one particular spot : the wall next to the gates. He expected to see Phil leaned against it with a cigarette in his mouth , and as soon as he ran over there he surely saw him-- Except there wasn’t a cigarette between his teeth.

“ Oh great , you’re here! “ Phil exclaimed in a somehow jolly manner. He seems pretty happy today , like he was actually looking forward on seeing his grandmother. “ We’ll be taking the bus , okay? It’s probably an hour long drive , but trust me; it’s worth it! “

Dan only nods and agrees. Seeing that he has Dan’s consent , Phil grabs his hands and started to lead him to their destination. Dan was surprised at Phil’s sudden action , the electrical spark his hand shot through his veins taking him aback. Instead of looking at the path _(_ where he should be looking _) ,_ he was too busy staring at their hands. Fingers locked and intertwined , tightly holding to one another so they wouldn’t let go. Dan wished he could have this for the rest of his life , but the thing is , _he couldn’t._

_He’s in love with Hazel , remember?_

It didn’t take long before they were on the bus already. As soon as they got in , Phil immediately started to ramble about how lovely his grandmother was. He told Dan how she was so good at baking , how she was really kind to mostly everyone she meets. He told him how she smelled of cinnamon , how she offered all of her visitors homemade chocolate chip cookies and how lovely her smile was for her age. Phil seemed really giddy and happy as he talked about her , he’s never seen him this happy before. It was pleasing to look at.

“ O-Oh , sorry. Am I talking too much? I probably am , sorry. “ He said with a nervous chuckle , embarrassed for his sudden hype around his goddamn _grandmother._ Jesus , he made himself look like _grandmama’s boy_ in front of Dan- That’s embarrassing.

“ It’s fine , it’s fine! It’s entertaining to listen to it actually. “ And it actually was. Dan wasn’t saying that only because he wanted to see Phil happy , but because him sharing stories about a loved one was _adorable._ It totally broke his _badboy_ facade which only happened once in a blue moon. “ She... Really means a lot to you , doesn’t she? “

“ Course she does. “ Phil said. “ She’s the only one I have. “

Dan’s smile wavered a bit at that. _She’s the only one he has?_ So did that mean Phil didn’t have a family anymore? Did he not have a mother? Father? Brother? Sure , Dan wasn’t happy with his family. He didn’t appreciate the fact that they always left him home alone- But they were _still_ there. Yet in Phil’s case , they were already gone. Dan couldn’t bear to think about that. Living without your parents as you grow up sounds _horrible ._

“ Hey , you’re like , totally chill with this right? “ Phil asked , wanting reassurance. As much as he was excited about showing his grandmother his friend , he didn’t want to make Dan uncomfortable. He didn’t want to look too clingy or too pushy or anything like that. “ You don’t have any other plans with your friends? “

“ Oh , no I don’t. Don’t worry about it. “ Dan reassured with a smile. He didn’t really have too many plans with them after that big hangout event _(_ which was a total flop for Dan’s part _)._

“ What if your best friend- Who was she? Louise I think- wanted to hang out with you? I , uh , could take you back! “

“ Look , Phil . Calm yourself! It’s fine , really. “ He said . He was eager to spend the rest of the day with Phil and his lovely Grandmother , no problem at all. “ Besides , Louise isn’t my best friend. Cat’s her best friend. “

“ Oh. What about that PJ dude then? “

“ Isn’t it obvious? Chris is PJ’s best friend. “ He stated . He felt his smile suddenly falter , expelling into a small frown. “ Honestly , I’m nobody’s best friend. Sure , I have Louise and Pj as my closest ones but- There’s always someone they’d choose over me. Like if they had to choose one to save in a fire , they’d choose the other over me. I never really , _uh ,_ had a best friend actually...Which is quite surprising , I know. I’m never really anyone’s first choice , y’know? “

Dan’s enthusiasm wavered away along with his smile. He didn’t like feeling sad , but the mere thought of what he said made him gloomy. It’s not like he’s mad that all of his friends chose someone else other than him , it was just sort of saddening to know that _no one_ labeled him as the ‘ _best friend. ‘ ._

Suddenly , he felt a hand being placed on his. He gazed to his right only to see piercing blue eyes stare into his.

“ I’m your friend , Dan. “ Phil said calmly , his words genuine and voice soothing. “ I’d choose you over anyone , y’know? I mean- I don’t have any friends other than you and Hazel , but if I had to choose which to save- I’d choose _you._

Warmth filled his heart at Phil’s words. He felt that smile slowly revert back to his face , he was thankful for Phil’s kind words. Yet even though warmth filled it , he could feel it crack slightly because _shit , did he just lead himself closer to the friendzone?_ Whatever- It didn’t matter.

“ Thank you. “ He muttered , trying to stop that goddamn blush on his face from appearing.

They arrived after a few more minutes. Phil lead him to an old looking vintage home , the entire home was painted lemonade pink. If you’d take a photograph of it and showed it to Dan , he’d say that it was ‘ _literally his aesthetic. ‘_. It looked too big for one person living if Dan may add _(_ Phil didn’t mention anything about a Grandpa . _)_. Nonetheless , he was pretty excited to meet his grandmother.

Phil knocked on the door three times before entering. The black haired boy gestured the brunette to come in , letting him enter first. Dan did so hesitantly , he wasn’t really comfy when it comes to a new person’s house- _Especially_ since he was just going to meet this person. _Breath in , breath out-_ Dan calmed himself. _This isn’t going to be too bad , okay?_

“ Grandma? “ Phil called out , ambling over to the living room. “ Grandma? Yoo-hoo ? Are you _here?_ “

Dan had to stifle a laugh. _Did Phil just say yoo-hoo? That’s fucking adorable._

Eventually , a woman in her 70’s came with a delightful expression on her face. She had light ginger hair that reached up to her shoulders , the same blue eyes that Phil had and a sweet smile just as Phil said. “ Philip! “ She exclaimed , wrapping her arms around her beloved grandson. Phil did the same , hugging her just as tight. Dan couldn’t really say or do anything , he simply watched the two with a big goofy smile on his face. Seeing Phil happy was enough for him.

“ I missed you. “ Phil said with a smile , planting a small kiss on his grandma’s cheek. Most kids nowadays didn’t really visit their grandparents which was saddening to think , Dan was glad that Phil wasn’t one of them. “ Sorry that I didn’t get to visit anytime soon. “

“ It’s fine , it’s fine. As long as you’re doing well at school , I’m okay. “ His grandma said . She then walked over to Dan with a grin on her face , looking at Dan from head to toe. “ Who’s this? Is this your boyfriend , Philip? “

 _Boyfriend?_ Dan felt his cheeks heat up . _Does she seriously think I’m Phil’s boyfriend?_ “ A-Ah , no! I’m only Phil’s friend! “ Dan corrected hastily with an awkward chuckle , but not removing that sweet smile painted on his face. “ Uh , it’s nice to meet you Mrs.Lester! I’m Dan , Phil’s friend. “

Dan saw her face lit up as he said ‘ _friend ‘ ._ “ _Friend?_ “ His grandma repeated , the smile on his face widening. “ Oh , dear me! It’s very nice to meet you too , Dan. Do you want some cookies or cake? I’ve got some in the refrigerator. “

“ I’d like some cookies. “ Phil chimed in with a smirk , earning a small playful smack from his grandma.

“ I asked your friend , Philip , not _you._ “ She chided gleefully , chuckling however. Dan laughed at their playful banter , finding it adorable. Phil was right; his grandmother was an amazing person . “ I’ll go get some desserts. You boys can sit over at the living room , I’ve got books over there. “

Mrs.Lester’s house was huge , Dan had to say that. Phil gave him a quick little tour around to help him since he suggested that they were going to stay overnight. The entire house smelled like cookie dough and birthday cake , thanks to the candles his grandma had put. Each wall was painted a different color of pastel which Dan greatly adored. It was a little bit _too big_ for a single person living in , actually. It saddens Dan to think that she no longer had a spouse to live in with. He didn’t want to ask Phil what happened , though. He didn’t want to trigger any bad memories .

She called them after 30 minutes or so. She apparently baked chocolate chip cookies like Phil had said , along with some milkshakes. Just as Phil said , they were _delicious._ The three of them chatted about school and how they met , the history of their friendship and whatnot. Phil did most of the talking , 30% of it was from Dan as his grandma eagerly listened and inquired some small questions. It ended inevitably , however. Phil offered to clean the dishes and glasses for her. That left only Mrs.Lester and Dan in the dinning area.

“ I haven’t seen my grandson so happy. “ She stated , a big grin on her face as she watched Phil skip to the kitchen. “ You must really make him happy , Daniel. “

She couldn’t be serious. “ Ah , I believe he’s happy because he gets to visit you again. “ Dan gently protested. “ I’m only his friend , Mrs.Lester. “

“ Daniel , my Philip hasn’t had a friend like you in his entire life. “ The elder said , a sad smile on her face. Dan felt a little part of his heart hurt as she said that , _Phil didn’t have a proper friend in his entire life? I’m the first one?_ “ He’s only been used by his ‘ _friends ‘ ._ They all were plastic , honestly. But now , look at him. He’s golly; he’s genuinely smiling. He’s only smiled like that now , when _you_ came. I thank you for that. “

“ It’s nothing , really. I just think Phil isn’t as bad as everyone says. “ Dan said. “ He’s really something , y’know? “

Suddenly , she holds both of his hands and looking deeply into his eyes.

“ Listen , dear. “ She whispered , making sure Phil won’t hear. “ You see , Philip’s a really trapped person. He’s trapped in thorns; those thorns represent the bad memories he’s had and everything horrible he’s been through. He’s really shattered by now , he has a lot of scars from those thorns that it’s almost impossible to heal. But you , _you_ can heal them. I know you can. “

Dan wishes he could , _but..._ ” I... See what you mean , Mrs.Lester but I don’t think I’m the one set up fo- “

“ Oh , nonsense! The way he looks at you is something I haven’t seen in _forever._ I know you can help him , Daniel. Would you do ol’ granny a favor? I can’t live too long now , sweetie , I know that. Can you help him? Free my little Philip from all those thorns that trap him? Replace them with flowers . “

Dan hesitates to say yes. But as he looks at Phil and recalls all those times he’s cried and sobbed , he felt his heart tighten. Phil didn’t deserve to be like this. He didn’t deserve to be sad or hurt. Besides , hasn’t he vowed to bring happiness to his life already?

With a small smile , Daniel replies. “ I’ll try my best. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay (;  
> the next chap is gonna be lit


	19. i care ( so don't you dare )

 

**TW : Death , suicide attempt & depression.** ****

**18** ****

The sun rose and peeked into the glass window , drawing circles on Dan’s face. The brunette groaned , shifting on the bed as he murmured an inaudible phrase . Dan wasn’t a fan of getting up when he was in a comfy position , _especially_ since the bed smelled of lavender. The house smelled of different nice things , a small thing Dan appreciated . He wrapped his foot around the pillow he was hugging the entire night , closing his eyes tightly in hopes of falling asleep again.

He grunted as he failed miserably. His hand snaked over to his phone that was just beside him , tapping it twice to open it . He’s received at least 5 messages from his friends , telling him about the Muse concert that was happening soon. Apparently PJ and Chris were going as well , they’ve already gotten tickets. Dan chuckled at their wild enthusiasm as he replied ‘ _I already know about it , dork. ‘_ to the both of them.

Dan sat up and surveyed the entire room. It sort of startled him to wake up to an environment that wasn’t his room- Realization struck to him after a few seconds though , reminding him that he stayed over Mrs.Lester’s house overnight. He checked over the other bed to see if Phil wasn’t there only to be greeted with a empty , unmade bed. _Tsk , tsk . Doesn’t Phil know how to fix his bed?_

The guestroom was alright. It was air conditioned and roomy , it had a closet and everything else you’d find in a room. The design was so _vintage_ though , with the wallpaper patterns of roses and leaves , the furniture possessing a very light pastel color. The entire house was _literally_ Dan’s aesthetic , similar to how it looked outisde.

“ Oh , you’re awake! “ A voice behind him said , which Dan recognized to be Phil’s. Just as he was about to greet him a _good morning ,_ Dan’s jaw dropped as he looked behind him. As expected , it was Phil; except he was wearing a sleeveless white shirt , revealing both his collarbones and majority of his tattoos. He was wearing a black beanie that made him look cuter along with black shorts- In short , _hot._ Phil must have noticed this , because the next sentence that slipped off his tongue was: “ Hey , take a picture. It lasts longer. “

The brunette closed his mouth as he shot him a glare , refraining that blush that wanted to crawl on his cheeks. “ You _wish._ “ He retorted , looking away. _Damn Phil Lester for being so goddamn hot!_

He heard Phil chuckle after that. He was happier than usual , that was good. “ I was making some British pancakes for Grandma and us downstairs , actually. Do you wanna help me out? “

 _Oh my god. Us._ He didn’t say _you and I ,_ he said _us_ like they were a thing- _Snap out of it , Howell! You’re overreacting again!_

“ Sure. “ He nodded as he hopped off of the bed.

Phil only set up the ingredients downstairs so all that’s left was the cooking. But before they could even start , Dan checked what Grandma was doing and found out she was sleeping soundly in her rocking chair. He hope that they wouldn’t be too noisy so she’d stay asleep , thus their little ‘ surprise ‘ would be a total flop.

Phil’s grandma was right. Phil hasn’t been as happy as he was in his entire life , and seeing that big goofy grin on his face was freakishly adorable. Dan hoped that he’d stay this way forever , if he does everyone doesn’t have to be afraid of him anymore.

Surprisingly , the baking was a bit more gleeful than expected. Phil proposed that they should act as if they were doing one of those cooking videos you’d find on YouTube , the way how ‘ _vloggers ‘_ do it . Surprisingly , Phil was pretty good on putting a ‘ character ‘ like most youtubers do. Phil jokingly said it was from personal experience , and since he’s hung out a lot with Hazel in the past when she made YouTube videos of her own. Dan felt an irk of jealousy spring in his chest as he heard Hazel’s name- She was _seriously_ starting to be a threat to Dan. It’s not like she wasn’t before , though.

“ You could be a cool youtuber too , I bet. “ Phil said as he flipped a pancake. _Double-flip._

“ What? Nah , I doubt it. I mean , I’ve considered about it for a while but... I’m too _awkward ,_ I guess. People wouldn’t really like me. “ Dan muttered as he watched him flip. His inspirations have always been the youtubers he’s been watching nowadays , he wanted to be like _them_ too. But negative thoughts always stopped him from at least _trying ,_ so that was pretty irritating .

“ Aw , don’t be like that! I’d watch your videos! “ Phil encouraged with a grin , the smile Dan _loved_ so damn much. “ Heck , I’d make one thousand Youtube accounts so I could subscribe them all to you! You’re the only youtuber I’d watch , though . I don’t really watch Youtube that much , unless Hazel forces me to. “

 _Hazel. Again._ Ugh , he seriously needs to stop being jealous of that girl. He didn’t hate her , he couldn’t hate someone who was solely doing what she wanted to do. Besides , Hazel was _really_ kind to Dan and Phil too , hating her just because she was Phil’s friend was stupid.

“ Oh , shut up. I’d start a channel if _you_ start a channel. “ Dan retorted. He knew Phil wouldn’t even bother to start making videos , so his statement was equivalent to the word ‘ _never ‘ ._

Phil only replies with a laugh. Eventually , they managed to finish the pancakes in a short amount of time. They made about 4 , they both settled to give Grandma 2 as a sign of _thank you_ whilst they have the other two. To top it all , Dan suggested to at least make some bacon or eggs for a complete breakfast along with some orange juice.

“ I was wondering ... If you were to make a YouTube channel , what would you call it? “ Dan asks out of the blue as he made the OJ. Their playful banter dissolved to utter silence , and it wasn’t the comforting type of silence. Random questions seemed to do the trick for those most of the time.

“ That , Danny boy , is a question I ask myself from time to time. “ Phil said as he fried the bacon. Dan felt his heartstrings pluck at ‘ _Danny boy ‘_ because _what the actual fuck , that’s fucking adorable._ It wouldn’t be a surprise if Phil’s hobbies included _torturing Dan_ because he was doing that constantly these days- And god , Dan loved it and hated it at the same time. “ I was thinking of something like , I dunno , AmazingPhil? “

“ Why? “

“ Well , self explanatory. Phil _is_ indeed amazing. “ The black haired boy responded with a smirk , making Dan roll his eyes in response.

“ You’re thankful I’m in a good mood for your narcissistic remarks. “ He muttered , letting a small chuckle escape his lips.

“ Kidding aside , it has a nice ring to it. It isn’t too hard to forget , too. “ Phil stated “ What about you? What would _you_ name your YouTube channel? Well , that is , if you ever make one. “

Dan took a brief moment to ponder. What _would_ he name his YouTube channel? Even though he’s thought about making one for quite a while now , he’s never considered a channel name. “ Danisnotonfire , maybe. “ He said. Yes , it was sort of a random type of name but you can’t blame him; he’s settled on _that_ internet alias ever since he was 12 when he - mind you, - was on a random phase. As much as he wanted to think of something better , that name grew on him . It didn’t sound as _cringe-worthy_ as it was before.

“ Really? No offense Dan , but that sounds a bit weird. “ Phil said bluntly. Dan huffed , pouting like a child at Phil’s unwanted opinion.

“ Still won’t change it just because you don’t like it , though. “ The brunette scoffed.

Soon enough , their little ‘ surprise ‘ was finished. They weren’t sure if Grandma was awake or not , though they assumed she was despite the loudness of their ruckus. They placed her breakfast on a small tray along with a small vase with a flower , a lovely little breakfast for a lovely grandmother. She surely deserved this kind of treatment.

As Dan and Phil checked how she was doing , she was _still_ sleeping. Dan was surprised that she was , did the noise not bother her at all? Phil explained that she was a heavy sleeper so it was sort of expected for him. With the tray on his hands , Phil quietly crept to his grandmother while Dan followed. There was this big , cute goofy grin on Phil’s face- The type that you’d gush at. Did those dark , murky clouds Phil always talked about finally leave his life? Did that rainbow finally come?

“ Grandma! “ Phil whisper-sang , lightly shaking grandma with his free hand. “ Dan and I made you breakfast! We worked super hard on it ! “

No response.

Phil shook her more. “ Hey , grandma! Wakey wakey , eggs and bakey! You can’t sleep forever now , can’t you? “

Not a single eye bothers to open.

Worry starts to fill Phil , he felt anxiety shoot through his veins as his eyebrows frowned. He shook her even more , this time with more urge and force. “ Grandma? Grandma?! T-this , this isn’t a funny ! I know you used to p-play this when I was around 12 , but jokes those jokes are old- Haha , get it? G-Grandma--? “

Dan felt himself stiffen. He wanted to blurt out his accusation , but he didn’t want to tell Phil _that._ Instead , he covers his mouth with both of his hands and takes a step back; refraining the tears that wanted to emerge.

Phil was practically desperate by now. The same accusation that Dan had was his guess too , but he couldn’t bear to believe that. No! He _refused_ to believe that! He practically threw the tray away , both hands now on each side of her. There were tears evident , brimming in his beautiful blue eyes and trailing down his cheeks. “ Grandma?! Grandma , p-please! This- This isn’t funny anymore-! Grandma , GRANDMA! “

“ P-Phil , please! “ Dan was crying himself too. Phil was frantically shaking her , desperate for her to wake up- But she couldn’t. She’s locked in permanent slumber and they couldn’t change anything about that. The brunette pulls the crying boy away from her , who once again stumbles into Dan’s arms; causing the both of them to fall down.

“ S-She can’t be-- She can’t be- “ Phil couldn’t even muster the strength or courage to let that word slip out. “ D-Dan? Please- She can’t... She couldn’t-! “

Dan didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t some saint or miracle worker to make Phil’s statement true , the world doesn’t work that way. Death _was_ inevitable in the first place , a cruel truth reality shoves in our face. “ I-I’m sorry Phil , but- “

“ NO! “ Phil cried out , burying his face in his hands. Alas , those dark clouds return in his life. He felt hope when a ray of sunshine struggled to pierce in his life , but fate didn’t think the same. His life was miserable and fate wasn’t going to change that. “ She- She can’t! She was all I had , Dan! Why?! Why does everyone leave me?! Why does everyone I fucking _love_ leave me?! Tell me Dan , why?! Why-- _why..._ “

Incoherent sentences were choked by sobs after that. Dan shushed him , wrapping his arms around him . “ I-I’m sorry P-Phil... “ What else could he say? He didn’t know , no words would aid the wound fate left on his chest.

Phil sobbed uncontrollably . The only person that cared about him and loved him was now gone. He didn’t even had the chance to tell her how much he was thankful for her , how much he _loved_ her. She promised that she’ll be with him no matter what. She swore that she wasn’t like everyone else- Because everyone else left Phil. Everyone that Phil loved left him , alone.

Turns out she was a _fucking_ liar like everyone else.

“ Y-You’ll..You’ll leave me too , won’t you , Dan? “ A pathetic guess , he knows. He loved Dan as a friend , in a platonic manner . He loved him like he loved his so called _friends_ in the past who left him too. Eventually , Dan will leave him as well. It was obvious.

Dan’s eyes widened at Phil’s words. How could he say such a thing? Did he not believe him when he told him that he _cared?_ Those words were like a knife that pierced his heart. “ What? No , never. “ Dan whispered. “ I’ll never leave you , Phil. “

Phil didn’t believe him for once second.

-

It wasn’t a surprise when Phil didn’t come the next day. Dan guessed that he was mourning for his grandmother’s death.

Dan didn’t want to come too , he wanted to stay by Phil’s side the entire day. But Phil drove him away , told him that he should leave him alone. As much as Dan didn’t want to follow _(_ thanks to his stubborn attitude _)_ , he decided that Phil _did_ need time alone. He respected that , losing a loved one was hard...Not that he’d know.

Thanks to his friend’s gloomy state , he too felt as wistful as he for the entire day. Not as bad as Phil , but sad. He was also mourning for her death from time to time , she was such a nice person. She didn’t deserve it. But then again , it only proves that one quote his mother used to say when he was young.

 _‘ Mommy . ‘_ Little Daniel would ask in his cute little voice. ‘ _Why do the kindest people die early ? ‘_

_‘ Well , when you’re in the garden , you’d get the prettiest flower in the bunch , wouldn’t you? ‘_

Still , it wasn’t fair. Dan prayed that Phil would stay strong despite his grandma’s death. It’s hard , but Phil was strong. He doesn’t know everything , but he knows he’s been through a lot and he’s survived that. Philip was a strong boy .

His gloominess seemed to affect Dan for the entire day , though. He didn’t greet anyone enthusiastically whenever they greeted him , not even his friends. Others shrugged it off as the nosy ones asked what was wrong , Dan felt like Phil didn’t want him to share what happened so he always answered with a ‘ _it’s nothing ‘ ._

He couldn’t concentrate in class , either. His mind always wandered off to Phil , he wanted to visit him and comfort him _so badly_ since he was too damn worried. Her funeral was tomorrow , so perhaps he could meet him there.

Dan wanted to cheer Phil up. He didn’t know what to exactly do , but he had _one_ idea- Hopefully , it’ll suffice. Treating him with some sort of Buffy merch maybe? Anime? He didn’t know , he wasn’t sure- But he’d do _anything_ just to see that smile on Phil’s face.

Most didn’t bother him about his sudden mood drop other than those who were curious. They didn’t ask twice anyway , so Dan was doing fine. He hoped no one would urge to get an answer from him and no one did.

But it seems like he spoke too soon.

“ Mr.Howell? “ Ms.Jackson , their music teacher , called out as the bell rung. “ I’d like to speak to you after everyone’s left. “

Dan was too depressed to feel scared. You could say that depression was the dominant emotion for him as of the moment , his face said it all. Dan only murmurs a _yeah , sure_ with an idle nod as she said so. As soon as everyone else exited the classroom , Dan lumbers over to his teacher.

“ Did you want to talk about something , miss? “ Dan questioned , voice deep and lacked any sort of emotion. He really wanted to go home now , or at least check on Phil.

“ Yes. You used to be really jolly whenever it’s music , and really enthusiastic whenever you play the piano. However , today seems to be an exception to that statement. May I ask why? “ She said , adjusting her glasses. Dan sighed , avoiding any possible eye contact with his teacher.

“ It’s...Nothing , ma’am. Woke up at the wrong side of the bed , maybe. “ Dan lied .

“ I see. “ She could tell he was lying , it was evidently obvious anyway. If _that_ wasn’t enough , perhaps another question was. “ I’ve heard you’re very good friends with Lester. May I ask where he is? “

 _Shit._ Dan bit his lip , unable to reply. He didn’t know what to exactly reply . He only keeps his gaze affixed to the floor , reluctant to answer his teacher’s question.

“ I see. “ She calmly said , not wanting to urge the boy further. She could tell something _ugly_ happened , but she didn’t want him to word it. She could tell , silence does speak a lot of words sometimes after all. “ Do you like Muse , Daniel? “

Dan’s head shot up. Now _that_ was an unexpected question. “ Y-Yes Ma’am. “

“ I believe they’re selling their last batch of tickets today. “ She stated , moving over to her desk to grab a piece of paper and a pen. She writes an address on the piece of paper and hands it over to Dan. “ At _this_ address , specifically. It’s not too far , and if you’re fast enough you’ll hopefully get some tickets. “

With that , she pats him on the back lightly. Don’t get Dan wrong , that was _wonderful_ advice. It was helpful and hopefully it’ll cheer Phil up , even if it’s only a little bit. But _this_ advice coming from a teacher Dan hardly spoke to was a bit strange , don’t you think?

“ Why are you telling me this? “ Dan questions , confusion dancing on his face.

With a hopeful little smile , she says: “ I’ve heard that Phil likes Muse. Ever since he was a kid. “

Dan’s eyes widened. Did Ms.Jackson know Phil when he was young? Dan felt a craving for answers now , but he didn’t want to force them out of her.

“ How did you know so , Ma’am...? “

“ Well , let’s just say... I’m the sister of a person that used to be very _special_ to Phil when he was younger. “ She said. “ But it’s not my story to tell. It’s Phil’s. Now go get those tickets , Philip will hopefully appreciate it! “

For the first time in today , a small smile is drawn on Dan’s face as he tells her a ‘ _thank you ‘ ,_ she then bolts out of the door and heads over to the destined place.

-

“ What do you mean you’re out of tickets?! “

Dan cried out , slamming both of his fists on the small table. A man in his 30’s shrugged , putting up a sign saying ‘ _TICKETS SOLD OUT ‘_ in a big , bold font.

“ Guess everyone was too hyped. Either way you’re too slow , kid. “ He said with a shrug , standing up from his seat and left a hopeless Dan. “ Sorry. “

Dan’s shoulders slumped as he fell on the floor , all the hope of making Phil happy completely draining away.

_What now?_

-

Funerals weren’t fun at all. So why did it consist the word _fun?_

A dumb , stupid question Dan always asked himself. Funerals were gloomy and gray. Funerals were quiet and solemn. Funerals were _fucking horrible ,_ he didn’t want to see a person get buried six feet under the ground. That wasn’t appealing at all.

The entire funeral was filled with what he assumed to be Phil’s relatives and some of his Grandma’s neighbors. Dan felt completely awkward despite not knowing anyone here , with Phil as an exception- Except he wasn’t _fucking here at all._

Yes , even at at important day- Her funeral , to be exact- Phil was absent. He hoped that he already came before him , but he was wrong. He _knew_ he should have checked on him first before coming here.

But that wasn’t what Dan was thinking about. He was too busy focusing on _not_ crying the second time this week , but that wasn’t an easy task when all you can hear are muffled sobs and incoherent sentences as everyone mourned. People hugged each other , comforting each other as children weep . Dan couldn’t relate to them at all. He wasn’t related to her , nor was he a close friend of hers. He was a mere friend of her grandson , they’ve only interacted for about 5 hours or so. Though his death affected him heavily for some reason.

Slowly , Dan walked over to her coffin. There she lays , eyes closed and in eternal sleep.

“ I still remember my promise to you , Mrs.Lester. “ He whispered. “ Promises were never meant to be broken. I won’t break it , I promise. “

Just as he finished his sentence , he felt a small tap on his back. He turned , only to be greeted by a woman in her 40’s. She had ginger hair and electrical blue eyes. Phil’s aunt , perhaps?

“ Excuse me , but who are you? “ She asked , northern accent thick in his words.

“ I’m P-Phil’s friend. “ He stuttered awkwardly , slightly embarrassed. Phil wasn’t here to introduce him properly , what was the point of coming anyway?

“ Oh , jeez. His friend managed to come but _he_ didn’t show up at all. “ The lady muttered , annoyed. She completely forgot about Dan’s existence about that , hence the walking away from the confused boy.

The proper ceremony was about to start but Phil hadn’t arrived yet. There was this ugly feeling churning in his stomach , demanding him to go to Phil and check whatever he was doing instead of attending the funeral.

Hesitantly , he walks out of the door and calls a taxi.

-

About 500 feet , 36 floors and it all takes 1 jump to end it all.

The cold breeze brushes off Phil’s cheeks as he looks down. Hundreds of cars zoomed on the road as people walked on the sidewalk. If he jumps , traffic would ensue as the cries of the sirens pierce the air. Everyone walking on the sidewalk would circle around his dead body with broken bones in a pool of blood. The thought was horrific , yes , but in Phil’s condition it satisfied him.

If he jumps , everything ends for him. It’s the last page of his tragic , shitty tale . A suicide attempt as a finale , just to make the tale even _sadder._ If he jumps , he would no longer posses the ability to feel anything. He couldn’t be happy anymore , but he was rarely happy anyway. He couldn’t feel pain anymore which was good , because he was so goddamn fucking _sick_ of feeling pain. Physical , emotional or mental- All sorts of pain he’s felt , he was so done.

If he jumps , those voices in his head will stop yelling at him. He didn’t have to deal with them anymore , which was good. He didn’t care about anything anymore- What even was the point?

Suicide , as far as he knew , was a sin. You’d take a trip to hell immediately if you commit such a sin.

But his life was hell. What was the difference?

There wasn’t even a point of living anymore. He wasn’t going to get happiness , why struggle when you aren’t going to get the thing you want? The thing you crave for? He was giving up. These stupid clouds are the only thing that visited his entire life. Sunshine didn’t bother to visit him at _all._ It was always rain , a storm or a fucking tornado of emotions. And those emotions weren’t good at all.

There wasn’t a point staying anyway. Everyone he loved for either left him or died. So why continue? They took the last person that actually cared for him. They took her away and took his will to live with her. She was the last ray of light in his dark , dark life and that candle died.

When he dies , no one would care. He wasn’t anyone to the world. Sure , it’d get to the news- That someone committed suicide on this very day , but they wouldn’t know his name or story. They wouldn’t know who he really is. No one even cares that he’s standing on the fucking edge of death as of the moment. But if he jumps and dies , suddenly , _everyone gives a shit._

When he dies , no one would cry. Some would even be thankful , he bets. Those exes of his , those who were afraid of him- Most likely _everyone_ in that goddamn school. But he didn’t care , why should he?

It only takes one jump. One jump or at least 4 more steps.

_One._

Did he really want to do this? Was suicide really the answer? He didn’t even know. His mind didn’t bother to answer those questions. He was empty , he was numb.

_Two._

He wouldn’t be able to live to tomorrow. He wouldn’t be able to experience the future or whatever’s in store for him- Ha , what a joke. What’s in store for him is _more_ pain , he knows that. He didn’t want such a thing , either . _No thank you , life._

_Three._

But there’s one image that ceases him.

If he dies , Dan will cry.

He’ll surely cry.

The moment he first yelled at him was the thing he regretted the most. He was the reason why those tears prickled on his eyes , the reason why tears streamed down his face. If there was anything else Phil hated , it was making Daniel James Howell cry. He was a beautiful angel , a flower that didn’t deserve to be hurt or tortured. Someone beautiful surely didn’t deserve to cry.

But if he commits a selfish act and jumps , he’ll break him. He was his _best friend ._ If he jumps , Dan will sob and mourn for who knows how long. If he jumps , he’ll hurt Dan.

500 feet , 36 floors and it only takes one jump to end it all and make Dan cry.

Did Phil really want to do this?

He couldn’t take it anymore.

Taking a deep breath , he braces himself for the impact that he’ll be feeling. He’ll be falling and falling till he collides with the ground instantly , his skull breaking along with all of his bones.

_One._

_Step._

Yet before he could even do so , a familiar feeling of warmth is felt on his hands. A hand grabs a hold of his and pulls him down , causing him to stumble down with whoever that is.

“ _PHIL! “_

A familiar voice cries out.

_Dan._

“ PHIL , YOU FUCKING IDIOT! “ Dan cried , slapping Phil hard on the face. Phil’s face remained neutral , as if Dan’s words were blocked by his ears. But Dan didn’t care. How _dare_ Phil do that? Didn’t he know how much it’d _hurt him_ if he fucking jumps off? “ WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?! YOU’RE FUCKING INSENSITIVE PHIL , YOU FUCKING JERK! “

As soon as Phil was brought back to reality , he was greeted by the sight of a sobbing Dan hitting him hard on the face. He felt hot , wet tears emerge on his eyes as he hugs Dan tightly . “ _I-I’m sorry..._ ” He mutters , burying his head in his mop of hair. He could feel himself shivering hard , regretting doing what he previously did. “ _D-Dan.. I-I’m sorry._ “

“ _YOU BETTER FUCKING BE!_ “ Dan cried out , punching him on his chest as he struggled to break free. His punches grew weak eventually , his arms wrapping around Phil after. “ Y-you’re a _fucking_ idiot , Phil. What the _fuck?_ “

“ _I’m sorry , I’m s-so sorry ..._ “ Phil couldn’t find any other words to mutter. He only sobs right there , his arms tightening around Dan.

“ I care about you , Phil. How many times do I have to _fucking_ repeat myself? “ The brunette sobbed. He couldn’t bear to think what he’d feel if Phil died. He knew he was broken , but he didn’t need to break himself up to the point there were no hopes of recovery at _all._ He just wanted Phil to stay in his arms forever. He just wanted to see Phil safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha what i'd tell u
> 
> lit
> 
> i was also listening to helena while typing this  
> (;


	20. can't be , shouldn't be

 

 **TW : Depressing thoughts  
** _(_ **it’s only for a bit tho but** _)_

 

 **19** ****

If Dan Howell didn’t exist , Phil Lester would be a dead , crushed corpse on the right sidewalk. But thanks to his mere existence , here he was; wrapped in a warm , comfy duvet with a hot cup of coffee in his hands as Buffy played on TV.

Apparently , after that traumatizing event , Dan quickly lead Phil back to his flat ; plopped him on the bed as if he were some 5 year old . He set up his whole place , put on the DVD and all kinds of stuff to make Phil feel comfortable and hopefully happy. It didn’t work out perfectly , but Phil was feeling slightly better than he was. His mind , however , was still in a daze despite being on the edge of death not so long ago.

Come to think of it...Why was he _still_ here? He shouldn’t be here. He should be burning in hell , or maybe in comatose. He should be anything but _alive._ Why did he agree to continue on life’s journey when all that’s here is pain? He should have ended it already. He was sick of getting hurt , what the _hell_ gave him the will to continue on suffering?

But as soon as he hears that sweet , silky voice he loves and sees those two big brown eyes he remembers why was he still here.

“ Phil? “ Dan calls out gently and lightly , shaking Phil slightly to tear him from his thoughts. “ Are you alright? Do you want anything else? “

Dan’s expression was painted with concern. Just a while ago , it was filled with a mixture of anger and worry. Phil couldn’t erase the mental image of Dan’s cheeks stained with tears , with eyes red and puffy and those tears streaming down like never ending rain. It made him feel guilty that it was _his_ fault.

So like a child who’s traumatized from a horrible experience , Phil looks up at Dan and only two words slip off his tongue. “ I-I’m _s-sorry..._ ” He stutters , shivering like a puppy drenched in the rain. He pulls the duvet closer to him , choking yet again another sob. He’s so broken. He felt like a huge piece of his soul just cracked , exposing his vulnerable side. Dan sighs hopelessly , wrapping both of his arms around the poor , poor boy.

“ Quit apologizing , Phil. It’s not your fault. “ Dan whispered , comforting the punk. “ Look , I’ll stay overnight , OK? I don’t trust you alone right now. I’ll make sure you’re okay , yeah? “

Phil only nods. It’s not like he had a choice , anyway.

Dan exits Phil’s room and closes his door in the most gentle way possible. The punk’s eyes were glued to the screen , meaning he was now concentrated on the show rather than Dan himself. As soon he manages to close the door , he slumps himself against it and falls to the ground; knees near his chest and face in his hands. What the _hell_ has he gotten himself into this time?

Dan wasn’t the smartest person alive , he knows that. He’s made a lot of fuck ups and whatnot , like falling off chairs and constant typos whenever he’s tweeting. But _this_ one has to be the worst one out of all of them , _falling in love with Phil Lester_ specifically. When you’re in love , you’ll do anything for them just to make them happy. But Phil was hard. He needed so much repair , he had so much problems and Dan would have to carry them as well if he wanted to continue loving Phil.

Dan knew that he and Phil were two very different persons. Dan was an optimist whilst Phil was the opposite. Dan was light and Phil was dark. Dan was a prince and Phil was a wolf.

He surely wouldn’t be used to a lifestyle like Phil’s. Thus , having _those_ problems would mean he’d suffer and cry. Phil wouldn’t probably , he was used to it after all- But Dan? Dan didn’t know too much. He should have chosen another person to fall in love with. He didn’t have to deal with these problems if he did.

But for some reason , here he is. He’s willingly letting himself fall into Phil’s world .

_Why do I do this?_

Grunting , he stands up and heads out his flat to get some fresh afternoon air. With both arms on the metallic rail , he looks at the sky t’was behold before him. The sky was really pretty today. It was painted a shade of sapphire blue , the clouds in different hues of pink descending off to a dark purple shade. It was accompanied by the silhouette of the trees not so far away , basically making the scene breathtaking and picture worthy. Y’know , like those photos on Tumblr most would label as _aesthetic._

Out of the blue , Dan’s phone rings. It displays the words ‘ _PJ is calling ‘_ in a small , white text. Without hesitation , Dan answers and places his phone next to his ear. “ Hey Peej , what’s up? “

“ Where the-” The boy started , but was cut off by abrupt words coming from the others in the background.

“ _Harder , PJ! “_ He heard Chris fake moan along with a stifled laugh. It was followed by a few more moans and other kind of sexual shenanigans , but was drowned out by a chorus of laughter. Dan sometimes thought he was hanging out with a bunch of 7th grades sometimes.

After PJ manages to shut them up , he returns to Dan. “ Where the _heck_ are you? “ PJ jumps to the question immediately , not bothering to return the salutation. _Wow , rude._

“ Alright. A ‘ how are you ‘ or ‘ hello _!_ ‘ would have been nice , but that works too. “ Dan responded , his words dripping with obvious sarcasm as he rolls his eyes. What’s with the rush , anyway? “ I’m at Phil’s. Something wrong , Peej? “

“ What? Aw , that’s lame. “

“ Hey! I like hanging out with Phil , that’s not funny! “ He interjected , slightly offended by his insensitive remark. “ Why’d you call , anyway? “

“ Psh , figured. We wanted to hang out with you since today’s a day off and all , I’m with Chris , Louise , Cat and Hazel right now. The usual squad and all. We figured we’d tag you along , so we tried to visit your house but you weren’t there. Blablabla , Chris said I should try calling you. “ He explained . He could hear a few more muffled sounds in the background , which he assumed to be Chris but with his mouth covered. PJ clearly didn’t want any more interruptions , so he ran off to a much more quieter and private area.

“ Anyway , what’s up with you and Phil anyway? You seem to be hanging out a lot these days, not that you didn’t before. “ He said. “ Is there _something_ going on between you two that I don’t know? “

“ What?! No , no! There’s nothing going out with us , I swear! “ Dan instantly replies , heat rushing to his face because he _knew_ what his friend accused. Half of him wishes it was true , but he knew that was impossible.

“ Sure , Dan. “ PJ snorted. “ Really though , what’s up? You can’t lie to me , Daniel. No one’s here with me , I swear. It can be a secret between us if you’d like? “

The brunette sighed. He didn’t have to keep this ‘ secret ‘ of his all to himself and PJ was a really good friend of his after all. He needed to tell _someone ,_ too- So why not?

“ If I tell you this , please promise me you won’t tell anyone. This is- This is just between us , alright? “ Dan took a deep breath before letting the next words fall of his lips. “ PJ , I ... I think I’m in love with Phil. “

He could hear a gasp on the other line. Not a surprise. “ Excuse me? Did you just say you’re in love with Phil? _The_ Philip Lester? Please tell me you’re kidding. “

“ I’m not! “ He cried out as if it were something ridiculous , and it _was._ Sorta. “ It’s so fucking cliche , isn’t it? It’s like those shitty fanfictions where the two protagonists start as enemies and become friends , then _one_ foolishly falls in love for the other. Or the cliche ‘ opposites attract ‘ bullshit. I didn’t want a cliche story , but I’m stuck in one! “

He could hear PJ laughing on the other line. _Jerk._ That didn’t help him at all , nor did it boost his mood. “ Calm down , geez. It’s not at all cliche anyway , don’t worry. I should have knew , anyway. The way you look at Phil is something alien to me and the group , honestly. You’re obviously head over heels in love with that dude , oh my god. Princes don’t usually fall for villains , y’know? Are you _seriously_ in love with that dude? “

“ I’ve fallen for the boy who’s soul is trapped in thorns , sadly. “ He quoted , laughing hopelessly. His gaze returns to the sky , the sun was setting and the sky was getting darker. “ What kind of fairy tale is this? “

PJ cleared his throat and switched to a story teller sort of accent. “ _Let me tell you about the tale of how a boy who had flowers growing in his soul fell in love with a boy who had thorns trapping his._ “ He jokingly said , causing Dan to laugh.

“ Oh my god , quit it. You’re making it sound like it’s floral themed , jeez. “

“ It’s accurate , though. “ His friend chuckled. “ I mean , you being the _flower prince_ or so he says. And you yourself said that he’s trapped in thorns- His tattoos would agree as well , I guess. “

Stars were burning in the sky. Moonlight poured down him , drawing circles on his face. “ What do I do , PJ? Phil’s ... He’s , really broken , y’know? I’m not used to this. I’m not used to dealing with problems when it comes to love. It’s always the others that’s chasing for me , and all I have to do is sit and watch. But here...Why does it look like I have to fight? “

“ That’s what love is , I guess. It isn’t an easy game , Dan. “ PJ said matter-of-factly. “ That’s your problem. You’ve been living in a place that’s mostly worry and stress free , thus you aren’t used to this- Look , I have to go- Chris is calling me. You can solve this yourself. “

“ But- “

“ Bye! “ And of course he hangs up. Dan groaned and shoved his phone back to his pocket , running his hand down his face in annoyance after. If there was any friend that was great at solving your problems , it was PJ. But it looks like _he_ wasn’t even willing to help him.

It wasn’t PJ’s love life anyway.

This was his problem to solve.

And there were thousands of stars illuminating the sky as he looks up and they all shine on him. When he was younger , his father used to tell him that when people die , they turn into stars. They turn into stars and they shine at us to tell them how happy they are. There was one particular star that outshone every single one , and he exactly knew who it was. It fills him with determination to complete his mission.

_-_

Phil didn’t seem to get any better at all. He’s been awfully quiet this entire time , the silence that penetrated between them was painfully awkward. He didn’t really say anything , all he did was lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling whilst Dan asked him if he needed anything from time to time. He figured that it was bed time soon and Phil should get to rest , and as much as he was looking like a goddamn parent to Phil , he decided to put him to bed.

“ I’ll go sleep on the couch , okay? “ Dan let him know as he tuck him in bed. He’d plant a kiss on his forehead , but he didn’t have that privilege. He wasn’t his boyfriend or anything , he was merely someone Phil would call his _friend_. “ If you need anything , just call me. “

Dan turned away to leave Phil’s room. But as soon as a cold hand grabbed his and ceased him from continuing , he stopped and looked behind. He saw those two beautiful blue eyes he always loved , yet it was pooling with sadness and pleading. Like a puppy waiting outside your door when it’s hungry.

“ Please don’t leave me. “ The punk begged in a form of a whisper. He felt like crying knowing that someone like Dan exists , and that he was here for him. He didn’t know what to do without him. “ I’m so sick and tired of people leaving me , Dan. Please don’t leave me all alone tonight. Sleep with me , _please?_ “

Now was not the time for any inappropriate thoughts. He knew what Phil exactly meant and he would gladly accept. These were the only small moments where he could be in Phil’s arms , in a place where he wants to be but not a place where he should be.

“ Of course. “ Dan agreed with a nod , a small smile on his face.

“ Anything for you, Phil. “

-

Everything went back to normal the next day. Phil was his usual self and acted as if nothing happened the previous day. He wasn’t the jolly , smiling Phil that he saw in his Grandma’s house- He was the asshole , douchebag Phil everyone knew and _hated-_ Not him , though. They both went to school together but parted ways as soon as they entered the hallway , Phil told him he off to do something _important_ and he shouldn’t follow him or even look for him. Even though it felt like curiosity was going to engulf him wholly and suffocate , Dan resisted the urge to ask why and just said ‘ _alright , sure. ‘_. And that seemed like the last interaction he’s had with Phil Lester for the entire day.

_At least I can have more time with my original buddies._

Dan sighed as he slammed his locker door shut , and then jolted upwards as a hand that came out of nowhere slaps him on the back. The owner of that hand appeared to be PJ , with a big goofy grin on his face.

“ Hey Dan! “ He greeted with glee , waving at him. “ How’s it going with Phil? “

As soon as he said his name , Dan felt his face heat up and eyebrows furrow. “ Keep quiet , will you?! “ He chided , snapping his fingers at him but he only earns a cheeky giggle from the other.

“ Don’t worry , I didn’t tell anyone! “ He reassured. “ It’s _still_ a secret between you and I. “

“ What’s with the sudden enthusiasm? “ Dan questioned. “ You’re not usually _this_ jolly. Did you eat too much candy or something? “

“ Nah , just woke up at the right side of the bed I guess. “ PJ shrugged , tugging Dan so they’d both walk to their first class for the day. Class was probably going to start late , thanks to the teacher being called for some sort of quick meeting or whatsoever. They could still talk even in class. “ Anyway , back to the actual question. How’s it going with him? “

Dan bit his lip. He wouldn’t _dare_ tell him what happened last night . He didn’t need to tell him that he slept beside him last night or even the previous one. “ Just , stuff. “ Dan lied through his teeth , yet trying his best to sound as casual as possible. “ Nothing much honestly. Everything’s pretty fine between us. “

His friend eyed him curiously before deciding not to urge him further. “ Alright then. “ PJ said , acting convinced. Dan lets out a sigh of relief internally , glad that PJ didn’t bother to bring that ‘ _you’re lying , aren’t you? ‘_ phrase.

“ Hey , I was also wondering. “ They’ve arrived in the classroom now. They both took two empty seats and sat beside each other , PJ scooting his seat nearer Dan so they could talk quietly- Thus no one would hear. “ If you like _him_ that much , why can’t you just straight up tell him? He seems to be a really good friend to you anyway. If he denies , he’ll still continue to be your friend. Not too hard , right? “

The brunette looked down and gave him a look that screamed ‘ _it doesn’t work that way ‘_ because it doesn’t. PJ was oblivious to the fact that Phil has this _past_ he’s dealing with , and in this _past_ of his he’s had pretty shitty experiences when it comes to ‘ love ‘. He feels like if he confuses normally , Phil would avoid him. There was no doubt.

“ I don’t think that will work out smoothly. “ Dan admitted , a nervous chuckle following his words. “ It’s just.. A _hopeless_ little crush anyway. “

“ _Hopeless?_ “ PJ repeated , confusion lacing his tone.

Dan sighed , his expression dropping as he worded his sentence. “ I mean , can’t you tell? The way he looks at Hazel and all...He’s probably in love with her. He’s probably straight too , ugh. The chances of him and I getting together are zilch. “

“ Hey , don’t say that! Just because he’s only dated girls doesn’t mean he’s automatically straight. “ PJ said. Albeit his statement seemed a little far-fetched , he was willing to say anything just to cheer his friend up. “ I know how you feel though. Falling for a guy you assume he’s straight , it’s pretty shitty. Although , I don’t think Phil’s straight- He eyes boys sometimes , not in a creepy way but you get what I mean. “

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed at PJ’s sentence. His head shot up , gaze locking to his. PJ felt like he was suddenly caught red handed and cornered by the brunette , and the means of escape were non-existent. “ What? You _liked_ someone and you didn’t tell us? Who?! “

His friend smiled innocently , batting his eyelashes hoping that he’d be able to evade the question by doing so. But Dan wasn’t buying it , and he wanted _answers._ So with a deep , long sigh PJ gave up on hiding and replied. “ Alright , fine , geez. It’s-- I used to like Chris , okay? But I- I don’t know what his sexuality is , so I kept my mouth shut about it. “

Dan should have knew. He always noticed how PJ was looking at Chris sometimes , and how he was unusually clingy to him- It was obvious , but he didn’t want to blurt it out all of the sudden. “ Then why don’t you tell him? You’re not going to feel any better if you keep your feelings shut , Peej. Even if he doesn’t accept your feelings , at _least_ you told him. “

“ Don’t you get it?! Chris and I are good friends- And that’s enough! My feelings for him are redundant and stupid , I hate that it just... Grew. “ PJ said , his voice gradually going smaller. “ ...I don’t wanna ruin our friendship. If I told him how I feel , things will get awkward and he wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I’d prefer staying as friends rather than nothing at all. “

Dan’s brows frowned as he looked at his friend. It must be hard , having his feelings shut in for who knows how long. It was a shitty thing if you were in love with your best friend , _especially_ if your friendship’s solid for a year or so. “ PJ... “

“ Look- I’m fine , it’s fine , okay? I have a boyfriend , he makes me happy. Don’t worry about me , Dan. “ PJ reassured , forcing the corners of his lips to form a smile. “ Me and Chris aren’t the topic , though . As far as I can believe , it was _you_ and Phil. “

Before Dan could open his mouth to protest , the teacher inevitably came and everyone went back to their proper seats including PJ and Dan. PJ mouthed that he’ll _‘ talk to him later ‘_ and Dan nodded , but groaned. Just 3 periods or so and lunch will eventually come.

The periods came and went. Science period was the last period before lunch , and the period where Dan and Phil did their little hand waving at each other. But this time , Phil wasn’t there. He was nowhere to be seen for the entire day and that scared Dan. Did he do something ... _No._ He couldn’t possibly , right? He was just busy. _Calm yourself , Daniel. Breath in , breath out._

Dan only crosses his fingers , hoping that wherever Phil was and whoever he’s with , he’s safe and okay.

Lunch came eventually. The entire group was in their usual place and everyone was already there , it’s been quite a while since he’s sit with them actually. He’s always been with _Phil_ that he rarely has time to spend some quality time with them.

“ Dan! You’re back , we missed you! “ Louise greeted as she patted the empty space beside her , gesturing Dan to sit. He was glad that they weren’t mad at all for his absence , this is why he loved his friends very much.

“ I missed you guys , too. “ Dan admitted as he plopped himself Dan on his seat. It was true though , he really _did_ miss his friends. He noticed that PJ was already here , and of course , chitchatting with Chris as if everyone else didn’t exist. Dan giggled to himself , finding it adorable. Well , at least he’s lucky that his love interest was someone he gets to hang out with a lot.

And thus , the randomness of their group ensued. There was another topic there , another topic here and whatnot. They were probably the noisiest table in the entire cafeteria , but they didn’t care one bit either.

“ Oh! By the way , Dan , are you coming to the Muse concert? “ Cat questioned him , nudging him on the shoulder as she did so. Dan’s enthusiasm suddenly dropped as he remembered , _he wasn’t able to get tickets and it was already this Saturday._

“ O-oh... About that... “ Dan muttered , trying to keep his smile. He really _did_ want to go to the concert , _so_ bad. He rarely sees his favorite band in person and this was a once in a lifetime opportunity , and he was _not_ going to experience it. He wanted to go with Phil but those _goddamn tickets sell out so quickly._ “ I-- I wasn’t able to get tickets... Sadly. “

“ Huh? Do you want my tickets instead? I really can’t picture you at home while Muse is live somewhere near your house. “ Chris insisted.

As much as Dan wanted to shout _‘ YES PLEASE! ‘_ he didn’t. He merely shook his head with a smile , declining his offer. Chris bought those tickets himself and he had the right to go ahead and enjoy it , he wasn’t going to take that away from him. “ It’s fine , really. I can always watch on TV or something , right? Don’t worry about it. “

Thing was , it wasn’t fine. It was stupid to cry over some band , but Dan couldn’t help it anyway.

-

It was Saturday 7 PM . In an hour or less , Muse was going to play live somewhere in UK. And here lies Dan , sprawled on his bed as he stared at the ceiling and listened to his clock tick in depression. His _favorite_ band was going to play live soon and he was still here. But it’s not like he had a choice anyway , he didn’t have tickets thus didn’t have the right to go there in the first place.

He grunted as he shuffled on his bed , burying his face in the duvet as he whined like a kid who couldn’t attend their best friend’s birthday party. But Dan wasn’t 12 or immature , he wasn’t going to throw a tantrum just because of a some band. He might as well deal with it.

The doorbell outside rung. Dan’s head shot up , debating on whether on not he should go ahead and answer it . His body , of course , thought staying here and crying over his current problem was the best , so he did. Yet , suddenly , his bedroom door opens revealing a Phil with a straight expression on his face. Dan sat up , confused at his sudden visit. He hasn’t seen Phil for the past few days , he missed him and all but a sudden visit wasn’t something he expected.

Suddenly , the corners of Phil’s lips formed a smirk as he raised two pieces of paper.

Tickets for the concert.

That big goofy grin was painted on Dan’s face as he ran over to Phil and tackled him. Phil chuckles , catching him and maintaining his balance so he wouldn’t fall.

“ Oh my god , Phil ! Thank you , thank you! “ Dan cried out happily , hugging him crazily tight. He was so glad that his world wasn’t ending , he was going to see them live and nothing more could make Dan happier! His inner fanboy was basically going hysterical at the moment , but he couldn’t help it! He was going to see his favorite band and that’s all that matters!

“ Calm yourself , geez. “ Phil chuckled , returning the hug . “ Take it as a ‘ thank you ‘ for everything you’ve done. I’ve searched for these tickets the past few days actually , which was why I was gone. I wanted to surprise you , for being a ... _Uh,_ good friend and everything. I’ve paid for these , i swear. I didn’t steal them if you’re thinking about _that._ “

Dan couldn’t care less anymore. He didn’t really care if he stole them , but he was genuinely touched that Phil went out searching for them just for _him._ Or well , maybe for his own benefit too. It _was_ his favorite band after all. “ Do I have to change or- ? “

“ No need. Let’s just get out of here and leave . “

So they did. Dan left the house but not before asking for his parent’s permission. His mother said he already gave him the permission to go out but only told Phil , his father however _still_ didn’t seem to trust the punk but nevertheless let his son go enjoy the concert. Dan waved his parents goodbye and walked over to Phil , who was already _way_ ahead of him.

-

The concert was what the internet would describe as _lit._ There was a sea of people that packed the area and everyone was howling like crazy. It wasn’t a surprise though anyway , Muse _was_ a great band and they deserved all the love.

Matt came followed by Chris and Dominic on the back. They waved and grinned at their fans who only howled in response , including Dan. Phil , surprisingly , didn’t seem too enthusiastic about but laughed at everyone else anyway. Truth be told , he was really uncomfortable with the amount of people here. This was why he wasn’t too happy with concerts- He _hated_ being with mountains of people but as long as Dan was happy , he was happy as well.

The band asked their fans how they were and of course , they inevitably replied by loud yelling. The band seemed happy about their energy though , so that only made them happier. They began to play one of their best hits , Starlight , and everyone else sang along.

Dan being the avid fan knew each and every one of their songs and memorized them by heart. He sang along gleefully , not caring if he ended up looking unappealing or whatsoever. One thing for sure though is he was genuinely , truly happy about this and thus that big beautiful smile of his was on his face.

Even though the entire crowd was noisy as hell , it was entirely different in Phil’s perspective. Everything else seemed muffled and muted to his ears . The entire world seemed to stop spinning as everyone else seemed blurred as he stared at one person and at him only.

_Dan._

_The entire world freezes , like time stopped just so you can savor the moment with them. Then , everything else would be a blur except that person you’re looking it._

Everything else seemed to darken except for him. He hasn’t seen him this happy before , with that genuine smile on his face. He looked so _goddamn_ beautiful and it was stupid. Moonlight poured down on him like a spotlight , making him stand out from the blurred crowd. Those beautiful brown eyes of his were filled with pure happiness and bliss , as his smile was perfect in every little way.

_Their smile enraptures your heart and sends those cliche butterflies in your stomach. You’re in awe , dumbfounded on how beautiful someone can be- Even if they have flaws , they’re perfect in your eyes no matter what._

But the thing was , it wasn’t amazing. Those stupid butterflies erupted in his stomach , increasing the pace of his heartbeat. Everything else was muted for all he could hear was the stupid , annoying beating of his heart.

And soon , realization struck him like a lightning bolt. It sent anxiety to his system and worry to his nerves. Because _god fucking damnit ,_ the thought- No , the fact was even scarier than anything else. It was threatening and frightening , worse than all of his past memories combined. Phil couldn’t deny it anymore , he shouldn’t either. And even though he’s tried his very best to avoid this from happening , it _fucking_ happened. And it scared him so _fuckin_ g _much._

_Because much to his dismay ,_

_He’s fallen in love with Daniel James Howell._

-

_I’m in love with Dan._

Those words echoed in his mind several times as he looked at nothing else but the ceiling. The annoying ticking of the clock was like background music to that stupid phrase. He hated it so much and he wished it weren’t true , but it was.

_I’m in love with Dan._

He couldn’t be. He shouldn’t be! From all the people in this world , it _had_ to be his opposite- His counterpart. He wasn’t supposed to be in love with Dan! He couldn’t be , either. He didn’t want to deal with this love bullcrap anymore. The first time he did it , he willingly let himself in and it was horrible. But that wasn’t the case this time. He wasn’t going to allow it.

_I’m in love with Dan._

And it fucking frightened him. He was in love with a person that was too good for him , a person that he didn’t deserve at all. He _had_ to find a solution to this problem , a way to escape and to distract himself from him. He didn’t want this feeling to grow stronger.

And out of the blue , his phone rings and pierced the silence that filled his room. Phil’s eyes looked beside him , only to see his phone lightning up with a possible answer to his problem.

Without a doubt , he grabs it and answers the call.

“ Hey , Phil! I was wondering if you wanted to- “

“ Hazel , do you wanna go on a date tomorrow? “


	21. don't mistaken pity for love

 

**20** ****

“ Hey , Dan. You heard of the talent contest that’s going on before Christmas break? “

PJ asked as he walked down the hallway with Dan. Naturally , he’d be with Chris and Dan would be with Phil- But Phil came late today and Chris was on an early vacation. They were each other’s second option it seems.

As he said before , Dan wasn’t a big fan of contests at all. Although he’d consider talent contests different , he’d join them just for fun and not really expecting to win anything at all. He also loved to watch them if he wasn’t joining- He _loved_ seeing how gifted others are. Be it mere singing , dancing , instrument playing or anything else. Seeing how everyone had different talents was truly mesmerizing.

“ I’m not sure. “ Dan replied. He was still contemplating or whether or not he should join , it didn’t really seem necessary and honestly , he wasn’t exactly the most talented bunch in the entire campus. He could only play the piano , no one else pretty much knew that except for Phil but he was afraid he was going to flop. Yes , he loved popularity , but _performing_ in front of an entire audience ? No! That would be similar to balancing on a thin wire. It’d fill you with complete utter anxiety , a layer of sweat coating your skin as you shakily perform. Stage fright was one of his major fears , thus performing live would probably end with him _fucking up._ “ I don’t think I can , though. I’ll see. “ He added , though deep down inside he wanted to say ‘ _no , never! ‘_

 _“_ It’d be rad if you joined though , we’ll root for ya! “ PJ encouraged with a grin , slapping him on the back earning a winced ‘ _ow! ‘_ from the brunette. Dan shot his friend a playful glare as he rubbed the hit spot , in which PJ replies with a cheeky grin.

The hallway was unusually noisy. Well , it’s normally rowdy everyday but today was somehow different. Everyone was only talking about a single thing , though there was a variety of rumors that were being gossiped in each corner.

_‘ Did you hear? Phil and Hazel are together again! ‘_

_‘ Didn’t Hazel move out of our school , though? How did they get back together? ‘_

_‘ Maybe they’re just friends. Close friends , we never know. Phil never speaks to us- As if he would. ‘_

_‘ Phil never goes back to his exes! Are y’all sure? ‘_

_‘ They’re a pretty cute couple honestly. Philzel isn’t too bad! ‘_

_‘ Aw , I thought Dan and Phil were dating? Rumors are shitty... ‘_

_‘ Ugh , why her? Why doesn’t he get back together with me? There’s nothing too special with her , anyway! ‘_

Dan gulped. _Hazel? Phil?_ Together again? These people are insane. If they were dating again , Dan would know. Phil would _obviously_ talk about it with him , despite him being his best friend. If Phil had feelings for Hazel , he’d tell him. It’d hurt him but Phil didn’t know what Dan felt for him. Phil and Hazel were good friends , maybe everyone merely mistook them for a couple since they hung out from time to time.

“ Dan...? “ PJ worryingly called out , holding his hand tightly to know that he was okay. It was only PJ who knew Dan’s little crush on Phil , so he knew what is must have felt. If you heard that your crush is dating someone else , wouldn’t it hurt?

 _I’m fine , I’m fine , I’m fine._ He kept telling himself those lies , lies , lies. He obviously wasn’t okay. Not with that awful sting resonating within his goddamn chest , not with his breath hitching whenever he heard the name _Hazel_ and _Phil_ together. Not when his mind pictured Phil happily in love with the pretty girl with the butterscotch hair.

_Am I really too late?_

“ It’s fine , PJ. “ He lied through his teeth as his lips form a grin. No , he wasn’t . “ It’s just...Rumors , right? Rumors aren’t automatically right. _Especially_ if they spread around like wildfire. They don’t know Phil , I do. Phil would tell me if he started dating someone else. Phil would inf- “

“ Hey guys , look! “

A sudden voice whipped out , cutting off Dan’s sentence. A crowd immediately gathered near the hallway’s door , various whispers emitting from different students as they piled up. Everyone seemed to be looking at what was going on outside , and since PJ and Dan were near they , too , decided to check out what was going on. Whatever it is , it better be _interesting._

Thanks to his popularity , the other students gave Dan the privilege to go in front so he could really see what was going on. PJ , however , was sort of out of Dan’s league but let him go further anyway. Everyone else was still talking and whispering , it was louder than before actually. Yet as soon as he saw what was everyone looking at , he really wish he stayed behind.

Walking together hand in hand was a couple. A girl with curly , butterscotch hair that reached up to her chest along with a boy who had ebony hair partially dyed blue . They looked like a happy , healthy couple which was really rare nowadays. Not to mention they looked so damn _perfect_ together , as if they were meant for each other.

That sudden spark in Dan’s heart felt like he was damn electrocuted instead as he saw them. And it hurt , even worse than any type of physical pain it seems. _Oh god._ Was this the feeling of heartbreak? Dan didn’t know. This was his first time falling in love with someone and it hurt like a _bitch._

_I’m too late._

Dan felt like he was going to cry. It was pathetic , he knows. It was stupid to cry over a guy who didn’t love you back. But when you’re in love , you become stupid. It was an inevitable fact in this game called life.

The brunette excused himself and went back to the back of the crowd where PJ was. “ What happened? “ PJ asked , _still_ oblivious to whatever was going on in front of there. Refusing to answer , Dan shook his head hurriedly. PJ noticed Dan’s aloof expression thus didn’t bother to ask anymore questions , he had guessed something and it seems like his guess wasn’t wrong.

Phil on the other hand didn’t like the attention he was getting. Due to the fact that he pretty much _despised_ humanity by now and preferred to be isolated from the crowd , he didn’t like seeing all eyes on him. As he was walking in the hallway , everyone seemed to circle around him. They only stepped back as he walked by them , not one daring to speak or make any contact with him.

The whispers grew to murmurs till the entire hallway was silent. All eyes were on nothing but the punk , some girls shot him glares as the others gave him an incredulous look. It was like a villain had walked in to a party where he was uninvited , or a wolf giving out threatening glares in the sea of prince and princesses. Phil , eventually , got pissed of the attention .

“ What the _hell_ are y’all looking at?! “ He seethed out loud , shooting everyone a scowl that sent them all back to whatever they were doing and acted normally. There were still _one_ pair of eyes that stared at him , though. It was a beautiful pair of cinnamon brown eyes that were filled with sadness and betrayal. And he only knew one boy that owned such an exquisite pair.

It was Dan’s , of course.

Dan was dumbfounded; in awe. He didn’t know what to say or do. Phil and he locked gazes for a brief moment , the punk stopping in his tracks as it occurred. Yet as Phil walked by Dan , he simply ignored him and walked past him.

_So you’re going to be a snob to me now , aren’t you?_

PJ could see how Dan was clearly feeling. Phil was being a jerk again , you don’t just walk past your friend and let your shoulders collide without even muttering a single apology. He wanted to run over there and confront Phil , but deep down PJ knew Dan wouldn’t appreciate it. He thought they must have fought , they weren’t talking to each other.

They were so happy in the concert and look at them now. Their history of friendship is truly fucked up.

“ Dan , I- “ PJ started but was cut off. That signature forced smile Dan always used this year was on his face again as he shook his hands at him.

“ It’s fine , it’s fine. “ Dan said , reassuring him. He looks at Phil who was walking all alone , hands in his pockets as he ventured off to his first class. He gulped , he felt like there was a huge lump in his throat that made him want to _cry._ “ We’re- we’re fine , okay? Maybe he needs time alone. He’s pissed at what happened earlier , I guess. But we’re fine , okay PJ? We’re fine , we’re okay. “

He catches another glimpse at the boy. Oh , how he wishes his words were true.

“ And PJ? “

“ Yeah? “

“ Tell me later where I can sign up for the contest , okay? “

Meanwhile , with clenched fists and gritted teeth , Phil tried his very best to walk past Dan. It wasn’t easy , _trust me._ It wasn’t simple to ignore someone you’ve recently hung out with and suddenly , you’re not even acknowledging their existence . Dan must have been so confused , _oh god ,_ does he think that he hates him? He probably does . His stupid emotions were ruining _everything_ for them. He had to erase every single one of them and leave nothing behind.

But as he looks behind and catches a short , quick glimpse of Dan’s face t’was filled with hurt and confusion , he knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

_It’s for the best._

-

Phil didn’t like Hazel. He really didn’t , not even one it. He always saw her as a friend as that was that.

But Hazel didn’t know that either. She didn’t know that he was using her for some sort of rebound , but what matters is she wasn’t too bothered by it either. Well , maybe that’s because she was oblivious to what was Phil’s plan in the first place.

Yet it wasn’t easy at all. It isn’t easy to kiss the lips and feel unsatisfied for these aren’t the lips you wanted to taste , to feel someone’s arms wrap around your waist and feel disappointed because these aren’t the arms you want to be in or to tell someone ‘ _I love you ‘_ when they’re not the person you’re truly in love with.

Yet , for the brunette’s sake , Phil had to deal with all of that.

It was _way_ better than letting _him_ get hurt.

He tried his very best to avoid Dan at all costs. For instance , he wasn’t in his usual spot at homeroom. He wasn’t leaned against that cold , bricked wall inhaling and exhaling poison that was venom to his lungs. He wasn’t standing there , with his foot against the wall and his hands in his pocket. He wasn’t standing there waiting for Dan to turn his head and wave at him with a small , cutesy smile on his face.

Instead , he was leaned against the wall next to window where he could see Dan. It was the only place where he wasn’t exposed to his sight. He was no longer staring at the miraculous sight of a pretty boy with chocolate hair adorned with pretty pastel flower crowns ,it was replaced by the boring sight of the green uncut grass.

Instead of having a mind filled with peace , his mind was invaded by a war zone. Thoughts of anxiety and depression took over . Because he _swore ,_ these stupid feelings of love were going to burn him out alive if he doesn’t get rid of them along with anxiety eating him out alive. He wasn’t in fond of love , he _never_ viewed it as a beautiful thing like everyone else. He found it stupid , redundant and a poor excuse for other people.

And you can’t blame him. You don’t know who he is. As if his story was a book , he could tell that the reader was yelling at him on why couldn’t he just accept his feelings? Why couldn’t he just let _go?_ It wasn’t easy , you see. You don’t know him.

It wasn’t easy to _let go_ when you’re trapped. Whenever he struggled to be free , those thorns will only pierce into his skin and spill blood out . And all he could feel was complete utter pain in his veins , tears prickling from his eyes as he cried out for someone , just _someone_ to finally set him free from this torture. He cried , he cried and he _cried._

Yet nobody came.

_Boy , what a shame._

He _was_ the boy trapped in thorns in this story , after all.

Alas , the bell cries alarming everyone that the period was finally over. Dan stood up from his seat , his shoulders felt heavy despite Phil’s absence. Not waving and smiling at Phil made him feel incomplete , as if that small little thing of theirs was a permanent routine in his daily life. Phil on the other hand , stayed in the same position against the wall. He takes a quick glance at the window , only to see a blue Dan leaving the room with tiny , small steps .

It looks like he wasn’t the only one who was feeling upset.

With his bag clutched on his shoulder , Dan lumbers to the cafeteria to his usual spot. As soon as he found his group chit chatting all jolly , he plops himself next to Louise and doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even bring out his food , he didn’t really feel like eating anyway.

“ Dan. Is this about Phil again? “ Cat questioned , poking him by the shoulder. Dan felt himself stiffen for a moment , afraid that PJ might have told them what he felt for Phil and broke their promise. “ You’re supposed to be with your friend , right? “

 _Friend._ Alright , it looks like PJ stuck to his word anyway.

“ It’s nothing. “ Dan lied for the hundredth time. He was so sick of lying already , but it was all he could do anyway. He couldn’t muster up the courage to tell everyone that he was in love with Phil. They’d criticize him for sure , he had a variety of good choices all over school and he chose the _worst_ one of them all. “ I’m- I’m just...Tired. “

“ We can take you to the clinic if you want? “ Louise suggested , her tone laced with worry. _Good._ They managed to buy his false exterior , that was all they needed for now- Except for PJ maybe.

“ No , I’m fine. It’s fine , I’ll... I’ll be okay. I just need- “ He proceeds to stand up , making him coming here in the first place seem pointless. “ - I just need fresh air. I’ll be outside , okay? Don’t follow me. “

Before any of them could even protest , Dan already rushed out of the cafeteria and headed to who knows where. He wasn’t going to the playground , that’s for sure. If there was anyone he wanted to avoid today , it was Phil.

-

Perhaps choosing the rooftop was not the smartest choice after all.

Maybe his love for anime inspired him to go up here in the first place. Y’know the part where the main characters usually run up the rooftop and drama would ensue , specifically at lunch time or maybe even dismissal. The sky was it’s dominant sky blue color descending off to a darker hue , clouds raced upon above him as they revealed the sky’s true colors. It was a beautiful day it seems , the sun was shining brightly ; the rays were dangerously bright , they were enough to blind you.

Yet there on the very edge stood Phil. With his hands rested atop the the metal fence and eyes directed below . He wasn’t acrophobic it seems , looking below from an _extremely_ high place didn’t seem to scare him one bit. Phil didn’t seem to notice Dan’s arrival , though. For when he walked in , he didn’t move an inch.

The smartest thing to do to avoid getting hurt or whatsoever was to run back down to the playground. Phil was all alone , if he approaches him it’d mean he’d be all alone with _him._ Awkwardness would ensue and drama if they were lucky enough. But didn’t Dan say it before? He _loved_ torture.

_Especially if it’s myself._

With doubt and hesitation flowing in his body , the brunette paces to where Phil was. Phil doesn’t seem to mind , yet deep down the punk was yelling at himself to snob him once again and walk away. But that would hurt , walking away from the prince was painful enough. The addition of seeing his hurt face made everything worse as well.

Dan felt relieved when Phil stayed where he was. He placed his arms on the metal bars as well , his eyes trailing to the punk’s face. Piercing blue eyes , snakebites and tattoos was what he had. _How is it possible for someone to be this attractive?_

“ ..Hey. “ He started out awkwardly , hesitantly even. With his sudden aloof attitude , Dan was actually afraid if he did something wrong in the past few days. Their last encounter was the muse concert , did he do or say something in particular that made him angry?

“ Hey. “ He greeted back which lifted a weight off Dan’s shoulders. His voice was serene and calm , just the way he liked it. It was like a lullaby that could lull him to sleep , and how he _wished_ he could hear that voice every night. “ What’s up? “

“ Nothing much... “ They were going fine , everything was alright. But Dan’s stupid mouth decided to fuck it up by jumping immediately to a _stupid_ question. “ So...You and Hazel are...together again.. _?_ “

The calm expression on Phil’s face falters. He was fine hanging out with Dan , really. He was even happy that he was actually , but bring up _Hazel_ in the subject? That was the one thing he was trying to avoid this entire time. It was obvious , wasn’t it? Couldn’t he already tell? “ Answer your own question , Dan. What do you think? “

Dan frowned. Why was he being so cold towards _this_ certain topic? He was asking politely wasn’t he? Or did he not want to talk about his girlfriend around him? He didn’t do anything now , didn’t he... _?_ Phil was so weird.

“ You know I hate rumors , Phil. “ Dan said , matter-of-factly. He tried his very best to not act all angry , he wasn’t , but the tone that he was supposed to use made him sound like he was. “ I just want your confirmatio- “

“ We are , okay?! “ Phil snapped , the expression on his face turning angrier. He wasn’t mad at Dan , he was mad at himself rather. He didn’t want to talk about Hazel right not at _all ,_ couldn’t he see that? Can’t they talk about their _friendship_ instead?

“ Then why didn’t you tell me? “ Dan shot back , his voice raising. If Phil didn’t wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him , it was fine by him. But couldn’t he at _least_ have a proper , solid friendship? Where he trusts him ? So why was something like a girlfriend so _fucking_ hard for him to inform him? “ I’m not mad , I’m just disappointed on how you don’t tell me simple things like this! “

“ Why do _you_ care , anyway?! “ The punk spat out coldly. His endeavors for a proper comeback were weak , he was aware of that. He just wanted Dan to shut up , he hated fighting with him but this _stupid_ feeling he was feeling for him ruined it for them.

“ Because I’m your _friend ,_ idiot. “ He simply stated. He _was_ his friend , and friends tell each other things. Why was he being so angry about such a pity thing? He wasn’t 12 , couldn’t he act his age for at least _once?_ “ So why didn’t you tell me?! “

“ It’s already _fucking_ out there , Dan! You heard it , we’re dating! We’re mother _fucking_ dating , so what? Does it matter to you? Why do I have to tell you every single thing , do you have to be updated about my life twenty-four seven?! “ He seethed harshly. “ You’ve already heard it! We’re _dating ,_ why the fuck are you so upset? “

Dan was clenching his fists now. Why was _he_ so upset upon him asking a mere question about his relationship?! He was overreacting clearly , and maybe Dan was too but he had a reason why ! He didn’t get Phil , not at all. He was so sick of his shitty attitude sometimes , but most importantly his _obliviousness_ to almost everything he does for him.

“ BECAUSE CAN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ?! I LIKE YOU , PHIL! “ He blurted out without even thinking. Regret filled him as those words left his mouth , for he took a step back and covered his mouth with his hands. Phil looked at him incredulously , yet his eyes widened a fraction as his words. His heart thumped loudly , filling him with even more anxiety.

And like a cliche anime scene found on a rooftop , the wind brushes against their cheeks and picks their hair up. Silence filled the space between them , tension accompanying it. Dan wishes a black hole will just erupt from the ground and suck him in , or at least undo what he just did.

Yet as much as Phil wanted to believe him , he couldn’t. Made him even _angrier ._

“ Quit _lying ,_ Dan. “ Phil said coldly , avoiding any further eye contact with the brunette. He knew Dan was one of those who believed in those sick , deceitful fairytales. He wasn’t one of those person , his _love_ didn’t fall under the same description with his. “ Don’t _fucking_ say that. “

Dan felt like he was stabbed on the chest. Sure , decline my feelings , _that’s_ fine. But saying that his feelings were absolutely _nothing_ and it was complete utter bullshit? How insensitive could he _be?_ Didn’t he know how much he hurt him? “ I’m not lying , Phil! “

Sharply , Phil’s head turns to Dan’s direction. “ You _fucking_ are , don’t you _fucking_ lie to me , Howell! “ He cried out. He knows he was too good for him , that no one could genuinely fall in love with him. Why would Dan love him anyway? Everyone was a way better choice than he was. Everyone was fixed and perfectly fine whilst he was broken and shattered , why would he pick _him?_ If it was another bet , he was _so_ over this wretched world. “ Don’t you _fucking_ mistaken ... “ He couldn’t even say the word. “ _That_ for pity! “

“ Are you saying my feelings aren’t real?! “ The brunette cried . “ This isn’t what you think it is , Phil! They’re _real ,_ why are you so fucking stu- “

“ If there’s _anyone_ stupid here , it’s _you ,_ Dan! “ Phil cut him off. “ How many times do I want to tell you that I don’t want you _goddamn_ pity?! “

And that was the last time he ever saw Philip Michael Lester in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes(tm) that ended up shittly im sorry this could have been better but im tired  
> (": drama


	22. can't live ( without you )

**21**

Seconds turn to minutes , minutes turn to hours , hours turn to days and days turn to weeks.

And yet , it felt like _forever._

You could easily tell that those two grew into each other's lives. Each day felt completely different for the both of them , _incomplete_ even. Like that one time Dan glanced over at the window in Science , a bright smile prepared on his face only to be greeted by _no one_ at all. It occurred to him that he and Phil weren't in good terms as of the moment .

_But he's not mad at me or anything , right...?_

Dan sighed. He averted his gaze away from the empty scenery outside and buried his head in his arms . This thing has going on for _weeks_ and he still hasn't accepted the fact that Phil walked out of his life all because of those four words that slipped out of his lips. It was dumb of him to even hope for such a thing , his friends told him that he should _move on already_ but somehow , he couldn't. And something in his gut told him that he shouldn't.

" Daniel James Howell! " A booming voice called out , which happened to his teacher's , causing Dan's head to jolt up in surprise as his ears perked up like a cat's. " I see you slacking off there . Pay attention to the lesson! You have an exam tomorrow. "

Reluctantly , the brunette mumbled a ' _yes ma'am '_ and as soon as she looked away , he lets out an inaudible grunt and places his chin atop his palm. The entire class snickered which Dan ignored , he lost the ability to care afterall. All he did was _love_ a person and this is what he got in return? _Pain?_

Inevitably , the class bell rings and everyone stood up from their seats and exited the classroom. Dan was too busy fighting with his thoughts to process the ringing of the bell , thus he was the only one left all alone in the now-empty classroom.

Come to think of it , Dan hasn't seen Phil _anywhere._ He didn't bother visiting him knowing that he would probably kick him out or something , he didn't even call him since _he never gave him his damn phone number._ Phil didn't bother to check on him either which was sad. Did he no longer care about him?

_He ruined their damn friendship with his stupid feelings._

He wondered if Phil even went to school in the first place. Did he stop going to school because of him? Or did he just hide from him? He wasn't even going to biology , considering the fact that they were partners in that class. It would be the same if he did go , anyway . He'd probably ignore him completely if they _do_ meet.

It was a half day today and Dan was glad that it was. He didn't want to hang out with anyone , he needed time alone . Students were free to stay as the teachers were going to have a meeting , the student council were fixing stuff for the _damn_ prom as well. It was going to be big , Dan could tell. Most of his friends were in the council and other clubs , so that meant they wouldn't be bothering him anytime soon.

Dan didn't want to go home just yet. It was boring over there , and as much as he wanted to be alone he didn't want to be bombarded with questions by his parents. They were home , surprisingly , his mom at least. Dad was at work.

The brunette took a small stroll around the hallway to pass the time. It was unusually silent , the sounds of his footsteps filled the air. The atmosphere was painfully uncomfortable , _silence_ wasn't Dan's favorite thing. He needed something to fill the air , talking or music maybe. As he was walking , he noticed _one_ room that was sentimental to him.

_Music room._

The room where Dan sashayed from Phil when they were still enemies. He didn't really know why he even did so in the first place , his bratty side suddenly sprung out of nowhere. Maybe it was because he really hated Phil before , he despised him with a _passion_ as if he were some criminal or whatsoever. It was ironic. Because he who he declared his enemy was now his _love_ interest. Oh , how interesting fate writes stories.

No one really knew Dan played the piano _too_ well aside from Phil. Some of his classmates and music teacher knew that he could , but they didn't know he was excellent at it. He's been practicing eversince he was 13 , a small hobby that happened to be a magnificent talent in disguise. He even had a small antique piano at home , but he rarely touched it since it was _very_ dusty.

The piano in here , however , was quite the opposite. It was the big , black fancy ones that cost a _fortune._ It played excellently , too . From the dust that often started to collect on it , Dan assumed that students rarely used this thing. As he entered the room , he couldn't help but reminisce those days when he and Phil fought.

Now , things were different. He used to be delighted at Phil's absence , these days he felt the opposite. For some reason , the memory of Phil wanting to jump off a 36 story building was vivid in his memory. It was one of worst things he ever experienced , seeing your _crush slash best friend_ wanting to end their life wasn't the prettiest picture to see.

The room looked magical if Dan may add. The rays of the sun poured in the dim room , shinning brightly on the marvelous instrument. Dan slowly walked inside and plopped himself on the seat , resting his hands on the keys. He didn't know what song to play , he wanted to play whatever was playing on his mind. But _Phil_ wasn't a piano piece now , wasn't it? Because his head was filled with nothing but _Phil , Phil , Phil._ He really wished he was here by now.

Eventually , his fingers started to dance strategically on the black and white keys. It was a familiar , soft song. A song that pretty much reminded him of Phil himself. Dan wasn't the greatest singer , but he wanted _Phil_ to hear him sing this song. Because this was a song he'd dedicate to _him._

_Now the night is coming to an end._ _  
_ _Sun will rise and we will try again._

_Truce._ It was one of his favorite songs of all time. This didn't really apply to his life before , but now it did. Yet the lyrics didn't apply to _him_ exactly , it was _him_ dedicating the words to another. _Phil ,_ specifically.

_Stay alive , stay alive for me._ __  
_You will die , but now your life is free._ __  
_Take pride in what is sure to_ _  
_ _Die._

He wanted him to stay alive for _him._ Sure , he'll kiss death eventually. Death was inevitable of course , but now he was given the privilege to live and Dan thought he should cherish it. He wanted him to stay alive and live his life for him , and he'll show him that everything gets better.

_I will fear the night again._ _  
_ _I hope I'm not my only friend._

He could feel his own voice cracking up. He wanted to cry how this song resembled how he felt for Phil so much , it was stupid that he was still crying about the same boy that hurt him over and over again. He didn't even give a shit about him, so why did _he_ care about _him_ so much _?_

_Stay alive , stay alive for me._ __  
_You will die , but now your life is free._ __  
_Take pride in what is sure to_ _  
_ _Die._

He could feel something wet drop on the keys. It couldn't be leaking water from upstairs that's for sure , nor could it be rain since this was a sheltered place and it was a sunny day. It was his own _tears_ of course. He found it pathetic that he was crying about this _stupid boy_ that ruined his life completely.

Outside stood another boy. He was lured by the beautiful , hypnotizing music that was made by passionate playing. Not only that , an alluring voice was singing which made it _better._ But whoever was singing was _crying_ as well. His voice cracked and so much emotion was poured into his words , he managed to render his feelings into the words. He felt his heart thump loudly since he knew who it exactly was. Only one boy could play the piano that beautifully , and only one voice could enrapture his heart.

Phil leaned against the white wall , hands tucked in his pockets as he looked down. He made sure that he was out of his sight . He knew that Dan hated him right now , how could he miss him? He was a jerk. He hurt him multiple times already , why would he want him back? It's better that way anyway. He didn't want to risk him falling in love with him and vice versa , that would hurt _more._ Phil knew that he was the last person Dan wanted to see for today.

Yet , his singing and playing told him otherwise. As he ended , he could hear choked sobbing ensue after. He _hated_ it when Dan cried no matter what the circumstance , he just wanted to run over to him and wrap his arms around him; whispering endless apologies and comforting words to his ears. But he felt like he was shot with a gun with guilt as a bullet knowing that he was crying because of _him._ Why the heck was he still longing for _him?_ Why did he want him to stay alive for him?

Not wanting to answer his questions , Phil walked away.

And as Dan exited the room , he saw nothing but an empty hallway. , oblivious that Phil came in to listen to his song.

-

Dan didn't want to go home just yet. He went to a nearby coffee shop and decided to hang out there for a while. He ignored the fact that it was close to the same shop where Phil worked , Dan knew that _he_ was the last person Phil wanted to see for today.

The shop smelled of coffee and books. It was small yet very cozy , like a comforting home that welcomed all. Yet , it wasn't enough to suffice his wistful mood. He's been feeling this way for weeks , it would take a lot more than _this_ to make him return to his normal mood. Hell , only _Phil_ could make him happy right now. He was the only remedy that could cure his sadness.

Grunting , he sat on the seat that was placed right in front of the counter. He ordered for one cup of mocha and a slice of cake , nothing special. A sip of caffeine and some sweetness could hopefully lift his moods up , even if it's only a little bit.

The barista soon came along with his order. Dan mumbled his thanks , not bothering to make his voice louder. He always spoke meekly nowadays , his words were barely audible and sometimes his sentences were rarely incoherent. He didn't tell _anyone_ his problem either , he basically tore himself away from his social life for now.

" Hey , kid. " An unfamiliar voice called out , catching Dan's attention . His head shot up , it was no other than the barista himself. He looked like a man in his 20's or older , with semi long jet black hair that curled at the ends. He owned a pair of striking periwinkle eyes , a look that you could easily remember. " You okay? "

Dan had no intention of answering this man. Because (1) he didn't know him , (2) he couldn't even tell him his _friends_ what was going on , so what makes him think he was an exception to that? " Nothing , I'm okay. " He reluctantly replied , letting the lie slip out his lips as if it was nothing. ' _Why are you even talking to me? '_ he wanted to add , but decided that it was too rude for his usual demeanor.

" Well _that's_ a complete load of bullshit. " He bluntly commented followed by a small , hearty chuckle. He shook his head , amusement dancing on his face. The _heck? Rude?_ Why was this man so straight forward , and why was he talking to him as if he knew him personally? " It'd be better to say ' No , leave me alone ' than lie. Hey , I'm not blind dude. I can _clearly_ tell that you're not okay. "

" Um , I'd tell you , but there's no need to be rude. " Dan said , his tone dull and monotone. He didn't have the energy nor the enthusiasm to sass or argue in his natural tone .

" I'm not rude , I'm just being honest and straight forward. Sugar coating shit isn't my forte , sweetheart , I apologize. " He replied , words honeyed and a sweet , fake smile was plastered on his face. This guy was getting on Dan's nerves , but he desperately needed someone to vent to . Keeping all these stuff bubbled to himself wasn't as easy as he thought. " Now that _that's_ over , care to tell me what's the matter? I don't usually talk to customers here , consider it a privilege. I'm not a therapist , but I can assure I can give ya some pretty rad advice. "

Dan grunted. He looked pretty reliable anyway , appearance wise. This was his _only_ chance to finally talk to someone , it'd be a waste if he didn't accept his genuine offer of kindness. " ... Honestly , I don't even know. I just wanted to _love_ this guy , but ever since I tried to show him that I did everything turned to shit. I only wanted to love him , but he gave me pain in return. He keeps pushing me away with no explanation or whatsoever , but I still keep _fighting_ because I'm so goddamn stubborn. "

He heard him mumble a series of ' _tsks '_ as he sighed. " Oh , teenagers. No wonder Gerard's afraid of y'all. " He snickered . " I can't necessarily say you _are_ stupid , though. It's pointless if you keep trying when he keeps pushing you away , it's _you_ who's hurting yourself. Is he even worth it? "

 _Is Phil worth it ?_ Dan didn't know. The boy who broke the hearts of many , the boy who caused nothing but mischief and the boy who everyone labeled as the _Wolf-_ A person he strongly despised before. His friends surely won't trust him and won't be happy , his parents wouldn't be comfortable especially his dad. He was the Prince , a boy who was loved by many and he had a variety of better choices waiting for him- Yet here he was , fighting and struggling for one boy who didn't even want him back. Was he really worth it?

" I-I don't know... " Dan muttered , burying his head in his arms. His mind couldn't process a different answer other than those 3 words. Digits tangled themselves in chocolate brown locks as he pulls them in frustration. " A lot of them say he's not , but I keep fighting...I don't know why I do , but I _do..._ I just _do._ "

" Safe to say you've fallen for him hard. " He shrugged. " Did he go through some shitty stuff in his past , though? Maybe that's why he isn't open to you. "

" He is , I guess. " Dan mumbled nonchalantly. If you looked deeply in those big , striking blue eyes you could see a glimpse of the pain he was hiding. Dan could tell , but he could no longer dig deeper and see his entire story. The eyes are the windows of the soul , after all. " But no matter how many times I tell him that I'm going to help him , he just.. He tells me to stop. He pushes me away and I just don't understand- I just wanted to _help_ him , is that wrong? "

" Some people don't wanna be helped , kid. " He drawled out , a smug smirk toying his lips as he stretched his arms. " But , _well ,_ if you're really stubborn ... You might just break him , I dunno. You could risk ending your friendship forever too though , so you better be careful. "

He was right. Some people didn't want to be helped , but he was just too damn stubborn to get that sentence in his head. " I don't understand... " He muttered pathetically. " I just wanted to love him but I get this... _Why?_ "

" Life isn't a piece of cake . " The barista quoted. " You have to go through _shit_ if you want to succeed in or achieve something. If you really like this dude , then you'll have to endure going through that shit. You can't just wait patiently and let it fall to your lap , although if you're really hurting- Then give up. It's not worth it anymore , just give up. This dude you're talking about sounds like a real hassle , though- He must have been through worse shit than me. "

The brunette eyed him suspiciously , confusion drawn to his face. " What do you mean...? "

" I've been through shit myself , kid. " He said. " Had 3 fathers , 2 of them were fosters but they all treated me like _shit._ A lot of things happened after that , I don't really want to remember , even tried to commit suicide once- But look at me now. I'm fine , aren't I? I'm guessing he's been wa _y_ more worse. But , if you really _do_ want him , you'll win him-- But don't try too hard. He may _not_ be worth it , alright? "

A small smile is illustrated on Dan's lips. That wasn't exactly the best advice , but it was nice to talk to someone after a long time. Hopefully , he'll take it- _Hopefully._

" Thanks , I guess. " His brown eyes fell to his name tag. " - _Gregory._ "

" Just call me Greg. " Greg chuckled with a smile. " Anytime , bud. Giving out advice is basically my thing , I'd be a therapist honestly if I wasn't too lazy. Being a barista was the next best thing , I guess- _Nah ,_ it's not. "

-

Dating Hazel wasn't the easiest thing to do. Lie , she was better than everything else.

But it wasn't easy to act like everything was okay. Like you were in love with a particular someone when you're really not. It isn't easy to wrap around your arm around her when it's not _him ,_ not easy to kiss her when those lips weren't _his._

It wasn't easy to tell her I love you because she's not _Dan._

Phil had to deal with that almost everyday. But he'd endure it , for Dan's sake- He'd rather hurt himself everyday than make Dan suffer.

Now they were in a car , Hazel's specifically. Being a good ' boyfriend ' Phil said he was going to take Hazel on a date. For the first few days of their ' _relationship ' ,_ Phil was doing alright . Yet after the day Dan confessed and after they parted , Phil. He felt as if a part of him broke , a part of him teared up. Seeing Dan was something he had to experience everyday so he felt so... _Incomplete._ His mood dropped to gloomy and depressed , his ' tough ' guy facade even died.

_All because of one guy._

_And that stupid four letter word._

Phil grunted as he started the car , he didn't really feel like doing anything today. Yet if he didn't do this , Hazel would obviously get suspicious on how they weren't dating too often anymore- Their last date was 2 weeks ago specifically.

But Hazel wasn't stupid.

Ad she obviously had enough of Phil's bullshit.

" Phil , is everything okay? " Hazel questioned , trying not to act too obvious. Phil shook his head in response . He didn't want to talk about this at _all ,_ especially if with the girl he's pretending to date.

" Nothing , I'm fine. " Phil spat out bluntly. " Lets- Let's just go on a date , okay? "

Hazel didn't even want to go on a date. She was so sick of Phil already , she loved him as a friend and all but him making up deceitful lies to hide his petty shit was tiring. He _never_ took back his exes so it didn't make sense why he dated her again , he wasn't romantic nor enthusiastic in any of their date- They acted like two friends that hung out for no reason at all. She knew something was wrong and she was going to make him spit it out even if it's the last thing she'll do.

" Phil. " Hazel fake cooed , her voice sweet to put on a better act. " Can I ask you something? "

The sudden change of tone was surprising. Hazel never did that , and the personality switch was honestly too sudden. But Phil was too tired to question anything , so instead he only says: " Yes , Hazel? "

" Why'd you date me again? " She asked , the sweetness in her tone maintained as he twirled her hair with her finger. Just to add up the ' _flirty girl '_ or whatever effect. " I'm sure you have a reason. "

Phil bit his tongue. He didn't know how to answer this one , and there was only _one_ obvious answer that he could come up with.

" Isn't it obvious? It's because I like you , Haze. " He lied. And _god ,_ it felt so disgusting to let such a lie slip off his lips. Sure , he's said so to a lot of girls a lot of times- But this time's different. He genuinely felt the feeling of longing for a specific someone now , which was something he hadn't felt in a long time , so saying lies like these felt so _different._

 _Bullshit ,_ Hazel thought. She knew Phil didn't like him and vice versa , he was sick of these lies Phil was saying nowadays. She _had_ to push him off his limits. " Oh , really? What do you like about me then? "

Phil couldn't answer. He couldn't think a single thing that he liked about Hazel. She was pretty alright , but he doesn't swing that way. She was kind and honest which he liked in her... _As a friend._ He couldn't come up with a reply , so he stayed quiet.

Hazel knew she was doing something right with the sudden moment of silence. " And why do you act so _bored_ whenever we date , hm? And why do you never respond to the ' I love you ' s I say , even if you do they sound so _fake?_ And why do you never buy me gifts like all the good boyfriends do , _huh?_ "

" I don't need to answer those , Hazel. " Phil breathed out. Why'd she suddenly bombard him with these questions? Did she finally find out that this entire relationship was mere pretend , or was he just a shitty actor? He probably was , _especially_ after parting with Dan. " Just know that I- I love you , okay? "

" Bullshit! " Hazel sputtered furiously . She was so _done_ with all these lies Phil always told her , she's had enough already. " You don't _love_ me , Phil! I know you don't! "

Phil's expression remained the same; neutral. " I don't know what you're talking about , Haze. "

" Shut up , you clearly know what I'm talking about! " She shot back angrily , her eyebrows furrowing. " I've had enough of your bullshit already , okay?! Whatever it is you're trying to do , it isn't going to be solved if you pretend to date me or something! Can't you just fucking grow up already? You've been doing this kind of stuff for _years_ and you still haven't changed! So why don't you- "

" ALRIGHT! YOU FUCKING WIN , OKAY HAZEL? NOW WHY DON'T YOU _FUCKING_ SHUT UP? _"_ Phil snapped , his gaze sharply facing Hazel as he glares at her. Hazel's never heard Phil swear , so that took her aback. As soon as he saw her startled expression , the punk groaned as he pinched his nose's bridge with his fingers. " Just- Shut up , okay? I don't- I'm tired too. "

Hazel's expression softened. Her eyebrows frowned instead of furrowed , her hands landing on Phil's arm as he offered him a comforting look. " I'm not mad , okay Phil? I'm just tired of you lying to me and everything. " She calmly stated. " Look , I'm your friend okay? And I never liked you _that_ way. I could tell that you don't like me that way , either- So why are we doing this? Are you trying to get away with something but dating me , Philip? "

Phil's eyelids flew up slowly , his striking blue eyes turning to face Hazel. There was this expression of comfort plastered on his face , an expression that screamed ' _hey , I want to help with whatever you're going through '_. He's known Hazel for about a year or so , and she was one of the very few persons that he cherished when he was in the state of corruption. It couldn't hurt to tell her , right? He knew she wasn't a bad person- That she was trust worthy.

It's not like he has another choice or anything anyway. He doesn't have anyone else that will eagerly listen and understand him , either.

" Okay. Fine. " He said finally. He took a deep breath and threw his head up . _Inhale , exhale._ It wouldn't be that bad , right? She wasn't judgmental. She wasn't like the rest.

" The truth is , I've never loved you Hazel. I never have and I don't think I ever will. "

He faces her , his deep blue eyes boring into hers.

" Because I've already fallen in love with someone else. "

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update HAHAHA and sorry that this was kinda empty idk., more stuff in the other chapter tbh AA 
> 
> also most characters here are youtubers if you've noticed ( except nathan i made him up rip ) :") so if you're wondering who the fuck greg(ory) is , it's onision. which would explain his blunt and rude-ish personality ( dw i actually love him , 2nd fav after d&p tbh im sorry if you hate him but nya )
> 
> k bye


	23. adored by him

 

**22** ****

If you’ve broken up with a friend of yours or with your significant other , the pain usually subsides as the days pass , right? Therefore , as days pass , it gets easier and easier- Doesn’t it?

In Dan in Phil’s case , it was the opposite. As days pass , it got harder. It hurt even more . They missed each other so much that it wasn’t even a laughing matter anymore.

Phil found it harder to hide from Dan nowadays. He’s always seeing him laughing and smiling , in a perfect moment of bliss that he couldn’t help it but be envious. He wanted to laugh with him , smile with him and share with him moments of short lived happiness. He wanted to be the one to paint that smile on his face. To make matters worse , he doesn’t look sad at _all--_ Has he completely forgotten about him? Or did he not care about him at all? Was he _that_ easy to forget? Well , considering that he was a pretty pathetic friend- He probably was. _I should have known._

Dan found it harder to act , especially around PJ. They notice that he and Phil weren’t hanging out a lot compared to before , thus distinguished the real reason for his gloomy attitude. They expected him to move on as the days pass , so in order to not make them worry; Dan had to put on an act that he was happy. But the truth is , he wasn’t. Not at all ; not one bit. He missed Phil _so_ damn much that he just wanted to hug him and hang out with him as friends , completely forgetting what occurred between them in the last few weeks.

They were such a mess without each other.

The contest was coming soon and Dan had to practice. He kind of regretted joining in the first place , because _now_ he was regretting it- He didn’t even know why he joined in the first place. But it was too late to back out now , he _had_ to perform. He decided on an old but lovely classic--- _Moonlight Sonata_ specifically , by the great ol’ Beethoven.

To most people , this was one of the hardest pieces to play on the piano. But for Dan , it was probably one of the easiest--- Thanks to his 8 years of practice. It was pieces like _Fur Elise_ and _Sonata K. 448_ he couldn’t bare to handle-- Heck , as hilarious as it sounds , he often forgets how to play _Twinkle Twinkle_ for some reason. That’s probably because he’s got _too many_ songs in his head. He couldn’t even read _sheet music_ for fuck’s sake , he does everything by hand or by tutorials on YouTube.

For now , Dan was all alone in his room. His head was laid against the cold , hard keys of the piano as he attempted to play the song over and over again- But his stress was making him fuck up , making him lose his concentration thus failing miserably. Which was weird , truth be told. He didn’t usually fail in piano-- But every time _his_ face popped up on his head , he couldn’t help but be distracted every now and then. There was just something about him that made his heart ache and made tears well up his eyes- _Pathetic._ Love was such a shitty thing , how come all those books and movies described it as something _beautiful?_

_Liars._

“ Daniel? “ He heard his mother call out , her sweet voice echoing throughout their hallway. The door opened and his mother’s head peeked in . Dan threw his head up , not wanting his mother to see his gloomy demeanor. “ Yes , mom? “

“ PJ just called. “ She simply stated , holding her phone up and pointing to it. “ He asked if you wanted to come to the party tonight , it was going to be ‘ _lit ‘_ they said. “

Pretty pink lips protruded into a pout as he stood up and threw himself on his bed , snuggling on the warm pink covers. “ Nah. “ He said , though his words were muffled by the duvet. “ Tell him I’d rather stay home , sorry. “

“ Whatever floats your boat , sweetheart. “ His mother said sweetly and proceeded to exit the room.

Dan grunted as he flopped on the bed , his face drowning in the mountain of pillows as a sea of thoughts began to invade his head.

For an extrovert , Dan wasn’t the biggest fan of parties. Hell , Dan wasn’t a fan of parties at _all._ He always found them stupid , annoying and redundant-- Well , that is if you didn’t have a special occasion or anything. He viewed it as a poor excuse to get drunk , to get laid and to destroy yourself slowly. Most teenagers who go to parties only eye people of their opposite sex or the same , depending on their sexual preference. Others get drunk and lose control of themselves , leading to a one night stand and possibly a pregnancy scare in the future--- Which Dan was _not_ risking to get. He also didn’t like the loud music , the smell of alcohol in their breath as they talk to you-- _Everything._ Parties terrified Dan , and he only went to _one_ but barely survived 5 minutes of it.

He didn’t know what else to do. His digital clock flashed ‘ _7:38 PM ‘_ in a neon green color , the moonlight poured in through his windows like spilled milk. His fairylights brought a faint glow to his room , making the ceiling a similar view to a star filled night. He’d call his friends , but he assumed they were _all_ in that damn party considering that PJ was. They all loved going out whilst he was the only one who didn’t . He’d probably go to Phil by now and hang out--- _Shit._

Then it hit him. _Him and Phil weren’t OK._

_Idiot._

Not knowing what else to do , Dan buried his head in his pillows and drowned himself to sleep.

-

For an introvert , Phil always went to parties.

No , he did _not_ like socializing with anybody else. In contrary to your belief , he _avoided_ socializing with almost _everyone._ Most teenagers were either horny or drunk , or worse , _both._ Girls who were in desperate measures often tried to stick their boobs out or whisper sexual innuendos which Phil highly disliked , he’d often push them away. What makes them think he was interested , anyway? _Disgusting._

It’s not like he was invited to this place anyway. Even if he _was_ uninvited , everyone would agree to let him in for they were afraid he was going to beat them all up if they don’t let him pass , when in reality Phil would just politely walk away-- Avoiding any unnecessary violence. But hey , he was going to take advantage of their stupidity. Phil wasn’t a nice person , anyway.

In parties , he wasn’t feared. Well , he still _was_ but everyone won’t go quiet if he comes in . They’d mostly avoid him or just walk away , answer him briskly and nervously when he’d ask questions- It was like they were trying to stay safe with him being around while they were _still_ trying to have fun. It wasn’t exactly a flop , anyway that’s for sure.

Phil didn’t go to other places in this wretched place. He only stayed in the bar where _one_ tolerable person was , though all he did was hand him drinks whenever he asked for it. The only person he really talked to was _Hazel ,_ her being his only friend in the entire universe. The place was a wreck , anyway. In one corner you’d see teenagers making out , scratch that , they were basically going to _strip_ each other right there- Couldn’t they get a room? Or do they have a public kink or something? _Gross._

In another corner , teenagers singing loudly to whatever song was playing on the stereo. Then there was the girl’s area , the boy’s area who mostly eyed the girls and whatnot. Hazel was only communicating with her other friends , only taking light alcohol unlike everybody else. Other than her , the entire place was a complete _zoo._

_No fucking wonder Gerard’s afraid of us._

TLDR; Phil only came to these goddamn parties for the _drinks_ and to kill time. Also to laugh on how everyone could be so goddamn _pathetic._

_You say that as if you’re not yourself._

_Shut up._

He was arguing with his own thoughts again. Groaning , he asked for another drink and was giving as soon as possible. It’s been weeks ever since he and _Dan_ broke up , and he still couldn’t move on. There was this void in his heart where Dan was supposed to be that he couldn’t fill , and that lack of _him_ sent nothing but streams of pain flooding throughout his veins and mind. It was horrible , Phil had decided. He didn’t want to deal with pain anymore , he’s been through so much and this is what stupid , pathetic _love_ offers him?

_Drink to forget , don’t forget to drink._

Phil chugs down his entire drink in a second. This was better anyway . Most say that _alcohol_ could be the answer to your problems , for it puts your mind in a state of numbness where you cannot feel _anything._ You couldn’t even be yourself when you were in a state of being drunk. He’d drown his blood in alcohol , praying that the pain will hopefully succumb and he would be nothing but _numb._

He feels like he was in some _Ed Sheeran_ music video-- What song was that? Oh , yeah. _Drunk._ A singular word with one syllable and five letters , he wanted to be in _that_ state right now. Not necessarily drunk anyway , _numb_ would be the perfect and exact word. He could also be in some _The Script_ song-- _Nothing_ I believe. Yeah , _that’s right--- Nothing._ He has nothing.

He drinks , he drinks and he drinks. He doesn’t even know if he’s conscious or not. All he knows that he’s been chugging down several alcoholic beverages that he’s lost count , he swallows those wholly and chugs in down his throat hoping that it’ll suffice. He hopes that it’ll drown and wash away all those memories and pictures of Dan , _especially_ those feelings that he felt for him. But no matter how he tried , all he could think of was _Dan , Dan , Dan._

_And then everything went white._

-

White.

Complete , utter white.

He couldn’t see anything. The whiteness was so blinding , it was so bright if he may add.

Did he die? He couldn’t care less if he did , though. But what place was this? Is this _heaven?_ Why was he in here? Shouldn’t he be burning in hell where all sinners and devils belong? He couldn’t understand. Either way , he was _so_ confused.

But as a familiar face walks in , he _knew_ that this was heaven.

He had perfectly chiseled features , not a single flaw present in his face nor his body. Beautiful chocolate brown strands fall to his face , they looked so soft and pretty--- It was adorned with pretty , pretty white flowers that made him look even more angelic. His eyes-- Oh , his _eyes;_ a beautiful shade of cinnamon brown that reminds you of the beauty of nature. And his _smile ,_ oh , his _smile--_ It’s so pure , innocent and wonderful. He was an actual angel , no-- A gift crafted by the gods , possibly the most perfect human to exist. Whatever he was , Phil was sure he _wasn’t_ human-- God no. He was too heavenly , too beautiful to be called in a species that’s filled with ugliness and hatred.

“ Dan- “ He breathed out. He wasn’t even sure if he said that , because the sight in front of him was surely _breathtaking._ Was Dan the angel that was going to lead him to heaven? Because if he was , then _fuck ,_ just _take me already._

“ Phil. “ The angel- _Dan ,_ said with a bright smile on his face. And he’s walking towards him , with his hands open as if they were open for _him._

Phil was dumbfounded; starstruck , in complete utter awe and all the synonyms those words had. He couldn’t move , he was enchanted by the angel’s sight. Never has he seen a person more perfect than him.

And oh , when his hands cupped his cheeks- He felt _safe._ It was so warm , it felt like clouds kissing his cheek. He didn’t even feel human , he felt like a godly being having physical contact with him- His hand was smooth and perfect in every little way. Those beautiful brown eyes of his bore into his blue ones , a sweet sweet smile lapses on his face.

“ Oh , Phil. “ He said . Then , his smile morphed into something else. It was no longer the beautiful , genuine smile that he loved seeing on Dan. It was a smile that screamed ‘ _I feel so sorry for you; you’re so stupid. ‘_

 _“_ What makes you think that someone could actually love you? “

And just like that , he falls into dark , dark oblivion whilst crying out for Dan’s name.

“ _DAN!_ “

But he doesn’t come. No , he doesn’t just come and save him. Because no one ever will. Because when he starts to _fucking_ care about someone , they’ll backstab him and laugh on how pathetic one can be. Besides , _who can actually love Phil Lester anyway?_

_No one._

Soon , he jolts up from bed. His skin was coated with sweat and his heart was on an irrational pace , it terrified him. His breathing was hitched; heavy , and his vision was roughly hazy. He couldn’t see well-- But as soon as everything fills with clarity , he realizes that this wasn’t his room. The walls were painted creamy yellow and the duvet was purely white , the amber lamps set off an eerie glow throughout the entire room. _Yep ,_ clearly not his room.

And he wasn’t wearing a shirt-

But there’s no one beside him , so _that’s good._

_Did I do something stupid last night?_

Suddenly , the door creaks open only to reveal a Hazel peaking out of it. She was wearing a simple dress , her hair was messy and she didn’t have any makeup on. _Still pretty , nevertheless._

“ Oh. You’re up. “ The blonde said. “ And if you’re thinking , no. Nothing happened , to _us_ at least. “

Phil’s eyebrow cocked upwards. “ Are you implying that--? “

“ Nothing happened to us , but something happened to _you._ “ She added , cutting him off rudely. A sigh escapes her lips as she walks closer to him , sitting on the bed after. “ You were crying Dan’s name over and over again. Touch your cheek , it feels dry doesn’t it? You were crying while you were , too. You got too drunk yesterday , I guess. I _had_ to take you home , I couldn’t bear seeing you like that. “

Phil fell silent. He didn’t know what to say. Did he reveal too much yesterday? Maybe getting drunk wasn’t exactly the best idea after all. He didn’t know what to say , he was so ashamed. He kept his head down , embarrassed , avoiding any possible eye contact with his friend.

“ Phil... “ Hazel started , placing a hand on his.

“ I don’t-- I don’t wanna hear it , Haze- “

“ Is Dan the guy you were talking about that other day? “

Sharply , Phil’s gaze turned to Hazel’s. There was this look of concern sketched on her features , one that was worried for what may come.

“ Hazel , I... “ Phil’s voice went smaller , and smaller and _smaller._ It trailed off , his brain couldn’t process a reply. He’s told her about it , sure , but he kept the name anonymous.

“ You can’t hide these kind of things from me , Phil. “ She said , voice dripping with worry. “ It’s alright. You can trust me , I won’t judge you or anything--- what makes you think that I will , anyway? “

“ No , that’s not it. It’s just-- It sounds like a shitty cliche film , Haze. “ Phil muttered , pulling his knees closer to him and hugging them. “ But that’s-- That’s not the real point. He’s too precious for me , Hazel. He’s too good , he’s too special- I don’t want us to be together. I’d rather see him with someone else. “

“ That would only hurt you more , Phil. “ She reasoned. “ Look , I don’t know if he feels the same or anything , but it wouldn’t hurt to try right? It can’t be that bad. “

“ No. I don’t wanna try . I’ll only risk getting myself hurt again , and I’m so _goddamn_ sick of it. “ He spat out. “ I- Just , let him be , okay? I don’t care if we become friends again. I just don’t want us to be together , anything but that. “

“ But I’m so sick of seeing you get hurt , Phil. Don’t you think you deserve happiness even once? “

“ I’d rather hurt myself than see _him_ get hurt. “ He mumbled. “ This is my problem , Hazel. Not yours. I don’t want your pity or help , just let me be. “

She hates it whenever he quips out that line. He uses it on _everyone_ and she doesn’t get why.

“ Alright , fine. “ She finally said as she stood up from the bed. She doesn’t even know why she tries to help this guy sometimes , he was so _fucking_ stubborn that it was annoying. Why couldn’t he just accept love and help? He was such a strange human being- Yet Hazel wasn’t one to judge. “ Dan’s performing tomorrow on stage. Do you wanna come and w- “

“ No. I don’t want him to see me. “ He cut her off rudely , although he did answer her question. “ I don’t think he wants to see me either. “

“ I think Dan misses you too , Phil... “ She said , hoping that it’ll help him even if it’s only a bit.

_Liar._

“ No he doesn’t. “ He murmured coldly. Who _would_ miss Phil Lester , anyway? Most would even be glad if he goes away. He doubted that Dan wasn’t included in _most._ “ I doubt it. He looks happier without me , don’t say such things , Hazel. “

“ Alright , I’m sorry... “

“ I don’t want you apology , either. “ He spits out coldly. Why was he being so rude all of the sudden? He didn’t do this to Hazel . Is he seriously risking to lose the only friend he has? “ It’s-- Just , let me be , okay Hazel? “

Hazel doesn’t say anything and nods.

-

Today was the day. Night , most likely. Dan couldn’t feel his legs , but one thing for sure is they were so _wobbly;_ like jelly. Why did he even agree to perform in the first place? Oh , he didn’t know. He was stupid , he wasn’t thinking clearly that time. But it’s too late to turn back now.

It’s just one piece , right? One piece and everything’s done.

_One piece in front of thousands of people._

Why was their school packed with so many students in the first place?

He wasn’t sure if he was going to ace this was. He was probably going to fail , and embarrass himself in front of the entire school and ruin his reputation , and he would get bullied and _oh god , oh god._ The unspeakable would happen , Dan couldn’t even bear to think about it. But people wouldn’t really care , right? They would probably brush off it off-- _If it did happen._ Dan was too sweet to be hated or bullied.

They even brought the _frickin’_ piano. No , not the old rusty one he had at home- The _huge one._ The one that costs a fortune but played so _heavenly._ But that only made Dan even more anxious to fuck up , it was basically a _sin_ to him to fuck up on such a gorgeous piece of art-- The piano , I mean.

_Just play Moonlight Sonata , walk out and it’s all over- It’s that easy , okay?_

His friends are watching , too. They were all huddled in a small group to support whatever Dan was going to do. They didn’t know that he was going to play the piano , so they probably were expecting something else. The piano was too boring to be honest , he could’ve done a comedy show or something else that was more original than playing a goddamn instrument.

After this , it was Christmas break. Basically one whole month and about 2 weeks to not go to school , it was going to be rad. He was gonna spend a lot of time with his friends and all , even with his family! Hooray! And maybe he could even hang out with Phil every--

_Phil._

Why was he even thinking about him at a moment like this? That straight line on his lips slowly turned into a frown , his enthusiasm dropping all of the sudden. It’s funny how it only takes a thought of a single person to change your mood. Hah , it’s not even funny- It’s fucking _pathetic._ Why was Dan letting one person affect him so much? Couldn’t he just move on?

_Ugh._

Soon enough , one of the staff tells him that his time was nearly up. They’ve already set the piano on the very center of the stage , which terrified him. Couldn’t he play on the right corner? Left corner? He didn’t like being the _center_ of the attention. Then again , that would look _so_ nonprofessional- So his suggestion was probably out of the question , they’d obviously oppose to his wishes without a doubt.

“ And next , we have Dan Howell who would be playing a song on the piano! “ The announcer calls out , his booming voice resonating throughout the whole room. A series of cheers and applause fills the room , filling Dan with a glint of determination. The crimson red curtains open , revealing the exquisite instrument _(_ along with a mic , too _! )_ on the very middle. All the stage lights close except for the one of the center , making it look like moonlight spilling on the said instrument.

Hesitantly , Dan proceeds to march to his destined place. _Fuck ,_ he didn’t wear anything appealing nor presentable either . He simply wore a pastel blue jumper with his signature flower crown that matched his jumper. His lower half , of course , were simply white pants-- His shoes were branded as converse and of course , _pastel blue._ Not exactly something you’d wear when you’d perform on stage.

He takes a glimpse of who’s in the crowd. There’s Louise , who’s looking even more presentable that him mind you , Cat looking pretty as ever , PJ and Chris who were like _fucking_ magnets because they were so close-- _Too_ close. Their thighs were touching , for Christ’s sake! _Might as well as sit on his lap already , Peej._

His eyes surveyed the crowd for blue eyes and black hair. What? Who was he looking for , exactly? Then it hit him that only _one_ person could have such features. He wasn’t there , though-- What was he expecting?

He was greeted by an unexpected face , though. Pretty blue eyes that were like the running river along with perfect , creamy butterscotch hair that flowed like a waterfall. What was she doing here? Why wasn’t she with Phil?

He felt his heart ache a little. He quickly averted his gaze from the crowd , not wanting to see her face. He couldn’t hate her , no , why would he? She’s perfect. She’s so _fucking_ perfect especially for him that it’s unfair. And he hates that fact _so_ fucking much.

Alas , he reaches. He carefully places himself atop the red velvet seat and sets his fingers on the keys gently , his mind telling him to play the song he’s been playing over and over again at home. But no , his heart tells him otherwise. With his fingers set on the keys , he begins to play a soft , familiar tune that he’s been hearing for the past few days.

Lithe digits begin to dance skillfully on the black and white knights; producing oh so harmonious music that could pluck one’s heartstrings and send goosebumps to one’s skin. Dan doesn’t know what he’s doing , this _wasn’t_ the song he was practicing. But he keeps on going and going , because his _stupid_ heart tells him to. Because his stupid heart’s throbbing with pain and he needed to vent it out through music. He brings his mouth close to the mic , and although he wasn’t exactly the best singer of all time , he begins to sing a song that speaks to him _perfectly._

_Pretty girl with the butterscotch hair_ __  
_Your eyes and the sunshine smile you wear_ __  
_I can see how you make his soul glow_ __  


_She_ was the pretty girl. He could see why he was so happy around her , why he looks at her _that_ way. Why those stars twinkle in his eyes whenever he’s with her and why they look so _fucking_ perfect for each other. Because they are.

_Pretty girl with the adventurous mind_ __  
_You envision so much you make me look blind_ _  
_ _You spark his life in ways I'll never know_

He doesn’t know if the person who wrote this song predicted his future , because _goddamn_ he’s never related to a song so much. He’ll never know how to make Phil happy like she does , he’ll never know how to make him smile like that. He’s obviously better with her , no offense. Him and Phil weren’t going to be a good couple , heck , he’s pushed him away after he’s confessed. What more could he expect?

_I won't hate you, but, oh, it stings_ _  
_ _How does it feel to be adored by him?_

_I won't hate you, but, oh, it stings_ _  
_ _How does it feel to be adored by him?_

_Pretty girl there's no need to fret_ __  
_Cause it's midnight, he's drunk and you're the one in his head_ _  
_ _You don't even have to try at all_

_Pretty girl, oh, he looks at you_ __  
_As if life is perfect cause the world is new_ _  
_ _In those moments I just feel so small_

Little did Dan know , he has an unsuspecting guest outside.

It was stupid for Phil to come. He just _desperately_ wanted to hear Dan’s voice as if it were some drug that he craved for , but _god_ it probably was. His laughter,his voice , his _everything_ so fucking addicting. He was like a _drug_ to him , a drug that he needs to stop taking because _he’s no good for him._ He was outside , near the backstage specifically. He could be listening inside , where it’s cold and cozy but he knows that wasn’t going to be a good idea. He’d rather take the cold pinching air of the night than to let Dan see him.

_How stupid to think that I could compare_ _  
_ _To the pretty girl with the butterscotch hair_

_How stupid to think that I could compare_ _  
_ _To the pretty girl with the butterscotch hair_

Dan could feel a lump in his throat as he sang and play simultaneously. He didn’t fuck up , at least not yet , but the lump in his throat certainly isn’t helping. The last thing he needed to do was _cry ,_ and god , that was much more worse than fucking up in front of everyone. He could feel tears well up in his eyes that oh so badly wanted to roll down his cheeks- But he ceased them from doing so. He couldn’t let them.

Phil wanted to punch himself. He could hear Dan’s voice cracking up and he knew he was on the verge of tears , he’s heard that sound too many times that he can easily identify it. He _hated_ it whenever people hurt Dan , and whenever someone did he beat them up. It would only make sense if he beat _himself_ up in this case. He knew he was crying because of him , and he only knew _one_ girl who had pretty butterscotch hair. _Did he seriously think he was in love with Hazel?_

_Idiot._

No , the real idiot here is _himself._

He’s such a hypocrite. He says he doesn’t want to hurt Dan , and that he doesn’t want _anyone_ to hurt such a precious angel yet look at what he’s doing. He’s _fucking_ hurting him by simple tasks. _Hah ,_ makes sense- Devils hurt angels afterall , don’t they?

It was foolish for the angel to fall for a devil in the first place , anyway.

But god , knowing that he was on the verge of tears , he just wanted to run over the stae and _fucking_ hug him already. He wanted to apologize , to say sorry and just prevent him from feeling any pain.

_Pretty girl with the butterscotch hair_ __  
_You're so perfect for him that it isn't fair_ _  
_ _How he stares while you're so unaware_

_And I can't blame you_ __  
_But oh it hurts_ _  
_ _How it feels to sing these stinging words_

_And I can't blame you_ __  
_But oh it hurts_ _  
_ _How it feels to sing these stinging words._

The song ends miraculously with a high pitched note , and a single tear landing on the white keys. After that , _more_ tears land and fall-- Rolling down his cheek , turning into rivulets before hitting the keys. The entire auditorium was silent , unable to react from Dan’s _stunning_ performance. There was so much emotion delivered into the song that they were all in awe , yet Dan was unaware of that.

He excused himself , not bothering to bow. He ran to the backstage and into the exit , wanting to be alone for a long time. He wipes his tears , choking on various sobs as he mentally slaps himself for that _stupid_ act he put. He’s showed about 1000 people he’s vulnerable side , which wasn’t really a good thing.

Suddenly , a pair of arms wrap around him tightly; taking him aback and making him jolt up slightly. He would have yelled and kicked whoever he was , but as soon as he recognizes the scent to be cigarettes and strong cologne; he doesn’t. None of them exchanged words , only warmth.

Sure , he doesn’t know the feeling of being adored by him ,

But he does know how it feels to be protected by him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLEGH i felt like i could have done better with the toning BU TMY FINGERS HURT SO MUCH OMG
> 
> the song's ' Adored by Him ' by Dodie Clark! Search up a piano version to be more accurate.
> 
> fuk im not happy with this BUT TAKE IT!!!!!! thank u


	24. i'm always tired but never of you

**23**

Alas , Christmas vacation has arrived , and Dan had recently woken up to enjoy the first day of the holiday.

Honestly speaking , Dan wasn’t the biggest fan of Christmas vacations. Yes , he _did_ enjoy the portion of ‘ an entire month off school ‘ , but he didn’t appreciate the fact that he _lived so far away from all of his friends_ and he basically didn’t have a social life in his village. Therefore Christmas vacation was labeled as ‘ _an-entire-month-where-I-isolate-myself-in-my-room ‘_ in Dan’s dictionary. Which , mind you , wasn’t as fun as it sounds.

In pastel blue pajamas , Dan continues to lay on his beneath contemplating on whether or not he should get up and do something productive . There was a voice in his head yelling ‘ _IF YOU’RE NOT A GODDAMN WUSS , GET OUT OF BED YOU LAZY TWAT! ‘_ but soon descended off to an inaudible state. Dan could lay in bed all day , all snuggled comfortably in his air conditioned room , but that would also mean he’d be wasting a perfectly good day in his short life. After what seems to be forever , the brunette grunted and finally jumped out of bed.

_Guess going outside wouldn’t hurt now , would it?_

Dan did his normal routine of taking a bath , pampering his face and picking a daily outfit. The colors had to match and _needed_ to look aesthetically pleasing , like what he learned in art class. His eyes immediately fell to the taffy pink jumper Phil bought for him , the one that was ‘ _too big for him ‘_ thus had sweater paws. Surprisingly , Dan found it _really_ comfortable to wear thanks to the material it’s made out of _(_ which he guessed to be wool or something else that’s soft _) ._

However , Dan couldn’t stop that big , goofy smile that was painted on his lips as soon as the name ‘ _Phil ‘_ popped up in his head. Yes , yesterday’s episode may not be what you’d label as ‘ _romantic ‘ ,_ despite the dripping stagnant water from the pipes , dim lightning ; only hope of light was the glow of the eerie amber street lights. Drama didn’t necessarily ensue nor did tension , but the incident _still_ sent that adrenaline rush throughout Dan’s body. It made him shiver , not in the bad way , and squeal like a teenage girl who just got their crush to like them.

Simple words like ‘ _I’m sorry ‘_ and ‘ _I miss you ‘_ were exchanged aside from body warmth. Yet , much to Dan’s dismay , words like ‘ _I like you ‘_ or ‘ _I love you ‘_ didn’t slip out of his lips. But why would such phrases come out with Phil , anyway? He has clearly established that he and Dan would _never_ have any mutual feelings of longing.

Nevertheless , Dan was still glad that they were friends. _Again._

One would call the brunette an ‘ idiot ‘ for taking Phil back , thanks to all the drama and pain he’s given him. He _clearly_ wasn’t the best person to befriend , but Dan didn’t give a shit or two. He liked Phil , both in a platonic and romantic manner , so every else could kindly ‘ _fuck off ‘_ as the teenager would say.

So , Dan put on the jumper enthusiastically and applied some light cologne . He put on a flower crown of his liking , some boring white pants and headed straight out of his door. He shouted ‘ _I’m going out! ‘_ to let his parents know _(_ they weren’t in some Christmas party , surprisingly. _)_

It was a nice , sunny day. There were a few clouds blocking the sun so it wasn’t _that_ hot , which wasn’t much of a surprise since it _was_ December and snow was destined to come. The clouds dashed through the sky , with a hint of sunlight seeping through as Dan looked above. For a daytime sky , it was _really_ pretty.

Dan didn’t have any places to go to in particular. He didn’t want to call anyone , hoping that he could have a nice time all by himself. He crosses his fingers hoping that he wouldn’t get an existential crisis out of nowhere , though.

With hands in his pocket and eyes on the path , Dan headed out to their local park. It was near by the seaside , which was always a pretty view if you wanted to watch the sun set. It was also a _really_ calming place to stay at , that is if there _weren’t_ any noisy children running around the park. There was just something about the sea’s waves splashing against rocks that made you feel refreshed , or that’s what Dan at least thinks.

The brunette reached his destination sooner or later. He first took a small , calming stroll around the place. The trees gracefully danced to the wind’s song , the sounds of the leaves rustling accompanying the sea’s humming. Dan kept both of his hands on his back as he silently enjoyed nature’s simplicity and beauty.

As he walked over to the stone wall that parted the sea from the park. Yet , on top of the middle out of it , sat a _very vaguely looking_ figure to Dan.

And of course , _that_ mentioned figure had to be the only and only Phil Lester.

“ Phil? “ Dan said , peeking over to confirm if it really _was_ Phil. No one else had those piercing blue eyes , perfect pierced lips and beautiful black hair. It really _was_ Phil. “ I didn’t expect to see you here. “

Like a scene taken straight out from an Anime , the world seemed to slow down as Phil glanced back at him. His hands were pressed on the hard stone as he leaned backwards , his gaze turning to his direction in slow mo; the wind picked up his hair , just to make him look even more _jaw droppingly gorgeous_. “ Oh , Dan? “ He said , though his words sounded eloquently worded in the boy’s ears. “ Didn’t expect to see you here , either. “

For such a simple action , Dan seemed to be _too_ flustered. His cheeks were painted rosy red as words spilled out his lips sloppily , making him stutter like a complete utter _idiot._ “ H-Haha , y-yeah... “ _A mental slap for you,Daniel._ “ C-Coincidence , I guess. Hehe. “

A smirk is tugged upon Phil’s lips. His gaze returned to the sea , the splashing water reflecting on those two blue orbs; as if his eyes held the entire sea. “ Or perhaps fate , Howell. “ And those sentences that slip out of those lips could be compared to a river.

_And his entire existence? An ocean. The deeper you get , the more you’ll know about it. Thing is , things that are hidden deep down there prefer to be kept as a mystery._

_Or perhaps something else. The sea’s a beautiful thing , a gift of nature; a wonderful body of water. It’s precious , it’s beautiful;just like Phil. But people destroy it by throwing trash in it , spill oil in it and whatnot. In other words , destroying it. Destroying it’s beauty , ruining it till it’s no longer something beautiful. Like Phil. People trash him , destroy him , both mentally and physically till he’s broken beyond repair._

_And just like how Dan hates how people ruin the sea , Dan hates how people destroyed Phil. How dare they tarnish something so beautiful?_

_But unlike the sea , Dan doesn’t know what destroyed Phil._

Not knowing what else to say , he jumps over the wall and sits right beside him. His eyes immediately fell to the sea’s view , tenderly appreciating it’s beauty. The sky’s reflection was visible on the water , which was something rare nowadays. Most seas or oceans are often murky and green , _thanks to people lacking the knowledge that trash cans exist for a reason._ Dan hoped that _this_ one wouldn’t get ruined like the rest .

“ The sky’s really pretty today. “ Phil said out of nowhere , which surprised Dan slightly. “ Not that it’s not pretty. It is , everyday actually , but it’s just-- _Prettier_ today , y’know? “

“ I get what you’re saying , Phil. Don’t worry. “ Dan responded with a slight chuckle , finding his mini fumbling cute. “ Although , I do agree. The sky looks _very_ pretty today , unlike most days where it’s beauty is just blocked out by the sun. “

He could hear Phil snicker a bit. With a confused expression on his face , Dan turned to Phil and asked: “ What’s so funny? “

“ Nothing. “ He laughs. “ It’s just that-- I haven’t met anyone who’s as observant as you. People who’re _actually_ interested in stuff like the sky , the sea or the stars-- Whenever I tell someone else , they either come up with stupid sentences or blatantly say they aren’t interested at all. I dunno , not everyone’s interested in nature like I am. It’s kind of sad , y’know? How kids are just focused on computer screens and on their phones. They don’t even bother to appreciate nature’s beauty or what’s in front of them when they’ve got pictures that are made up of pixels rather than the real thing. It’s like everyone would prefer to live in the virtual world rather than reality. “

Dan doesn’t speak. He likes it when Phil’s like this. He likes it when articulate sentences flow out of his lips , how he says what he genuinely feels and it all comes out naturally. _Just like a river._

“ ---But , I can’t really blame them. “ He added quickly , expression dropping to a much more less enthusiastic one as he hugs his knees and buries his face in it. “ Reality’s not pretty. It’s fucking shitty-- Forgive me for my language, -- if you ask me. When it all feels like a goddamn dream , it suddenly crashes in and ruins things for you. It _sucks_ big time , honestly. It’s the only state that can make you feel both physical and mental pain at the same time. That’s why it isn’t much of a surprise anymore when most of us don’t even want to live in reality anymore. I , for one , would rather drown in vivid fantasy than _breath_ in this cruel , wretched place we all call reality. “

He catches a quick glimpse at Dan , only to see him in the same position _except_ he wasn’t looking at the sea. His eyes were directed at him; and there was this glint of amusement present in his eyes , where the stars that lay within those irises would flicker whenever his curiosity grew. He could feel his own cheeks flush , blood rising to them painting them a deep shade of red.

“ O-Oh , I’m rambling again. Sorry. “ He muttered , embarrassed , tearing his gaze away from his.

“ No , no , it’s fine! “ Dan reassures . “ I actually like it when you talk like that. Expressing your true opinions and all , specifically. It makes me know about you more. “

Then there’s that mysterious smirk of his , the one that Dan couldn’t distinguish nor identify what it hides. “ You wouldn’t want to know too much about me , Daniel. It’s not a pretty sight. “

Dan didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to reply with , anyway.

Suddenly , Phil jumped off of the ledge. “ I’m sick of this place , let’s go to a cafe or something. “ He said. “ Pretty sure you’re aware of the cafe nearby , yeah? “

-

Dan was a bit surprised that Phil had brought him to the cafe near his workplace. By ‘ cafe nearby ‘ he assumed it would be some fancy place like Starbucks or JCO or whatever. He always assumed that Phil was the type who was _very_ selective when it came to his caffeine , but I guess his assumptions aren’t always right.

He offered to pay for the drinks to get them himself. Surprisingly , Phil didn’t bother to argue and simply answered with a monotone ‘ alright ‘. It’s not like Dan was complaining or whatever , he _really_ did insist on getting the drinks himself.

He ordered for the usual drinks. Phil’s favorite , a simple cappuccino , and a hot chocolate drink for his own. He didn’t instantly realize the barista serving , that’s why when a voice chimed in suddenly he felt himself jolt upwards.

“ Wow , is that him? “ A voice , who he recognized to be _Greg’s_ , snickered. “ Didn’t know you were into emos , kid. “

Dan shot him a scowl , the look you’d make when you were offended by someone insulting your friend. “ Hey , he’s not an emo! I believe the correct term is _punk._ “ He corrected , sneering.

“ Aww , he’s defensive of him. How _adorable ._ “ He gushed , teasingly grinning at the brunette. Dan rolled his eyes in faux annoyance , playfully hitting the elder on the shoulder. “ Alright , alright! Geez , I’m kidding! Congrats , I knew you could do it. Just a few weeks ago you were crying about him , but look at you now! You’re dating him! “

A blush immediately rushed to his cheeks as he worded ‘ _dating ‘_ “ We’re not dating! “ He whispered shouted , praying that Phil didn’t notice their little argument. He glanced back at Phil , who seemed to be leaning against the window; coming from the look on his face , you’d guess that he was probably having an existential crisis.

“ What? Aw! That’s a shocker , you two look _so_ cute together! “ Greg whined , nudging the brunette. He handed him both of his orders and lightly pushed him towards the ebony haired boy. “ Now go! Go win the heart of the love of your life! “

Dan _nearly_ spilled both of his drinks , which would have happened if he didn’t have a tight grip on the cups and lacked balance. “ Greg! “ He hissed , glaring at him. Greg smirks teasingly , an eyebrow cocking upwards as if to say ‘ _what? ‘_

“ Also , don’t pay it. My treat. “ He said , dismissing the younger boy. “ Just make sure you’ll get together with him in the end. Make me the best man in your wedding too , alright? “

Even though he was aware that Greg was low-key kidding , he couldn’t help but feel a little hopeless inside. He _wished_ they would get together in the end , but it wasn’t that easy-- Especially since Phil wasn’t the one who accepted one’s feeling too easily. Or perhaps it was his sexuality that was blocking the way.

Phil’s eyes were _still_ directed to the road. His mind couldn’t help but generate another storm in his ocean of thoughts; spiraling into an existential crisis. He watched the cars and the people zoom past by , each and every one disappearing in his sight one by one. There were millions of people in this planet , each a tiny dot if the entire universe was viewed all at once. They were like billions of stars that painted the night sky; and if one star dies , no one would notice depending on the person’s significance.

Phil wonders. Was he relevant? Significant? Did he play an important part on earth , or is here a mere extra in this entire play? If he was an extra , no would care if he disappears. No one would care if he’s _erased._

But as he looks at this one , beautiful boy; the star that outshone everyone he would think otherwise.

“ Dan. “ Phil started . Dan was taking a small sip of his drink , his gaze focused on Phil this entire time. He’d be lying if he didn’t say he wasn’t concerned for his friend , with the unpleasant silence and everything else. “ Phil? “

“ Why are we friends? “

Dan could have choked on his own drink. Did he seriously just ask that?

“ Why do you ask? “ Dan frowned. Did he not like being his friends?

“ Aren’t you tired of me yet? “ Phil said , a hint of homelessness heard in his voice. “ I’ve caused you so much pain. I’ve made so much drama , our friendship is _so_ unstable-- Why are we still doing this? Aren’t you tired of me yet? “

Why did such thoughts always come across Phil’s mind? _These_ were the things that were tearing their fucking friendship apart , can’t he just _stop_ already? He’d yell at him , but he couldn’t and he _shouldn’t--_ He knew it’d hurt him. He didn’t quite understand Phil , so he didn’t have the right to do so.

“ I’ll never be tired of you , Phil. “ Dan stated sincerely. There was this glint of concerned flickering within those cinnamon optics , showing Phil that his words were true and genuine- Or that’s what he at least thinks. Phil couldn’t be _that_ bad , right? If _this_ was all he had to take care of , then it’s fine. Dan can handle this , he wouldn’t mind. It was worth it , after all. “ Why would I be? “

“ Can’t you already see? I’m a _mess ,_ Dan. Everyone gets tired of me , it’d be a miracle if you’d stay with me. “ Phil muttered , running his fingers through his hair in frustration. Dan was an actual angel , yes , but could he prove himself that even a goddamn _angel_ would give up on him? “ I just- I don’t get it. Why are you so kind to me , Dan? “

This time , Dan didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to reply with.

“ Just- Don’t answer that. I don’t even know if you could generate a stupid answer for a stupid question. “ He muttered.

Dan doesn’t.

-

When people have awful , tragic backstories , they often shared it with the world. They’d tell everyone how _shitty_ their life was , how he was the hero of the story; the boy who’d abuse himself just to paint a smile on his parent’s face. And what do they get in return? Phrases like ‘ _Oh , I’m sorry! ‘_ or ‘ _That’s horrible! I’m sorry ‘_ and just a bunch of _sorry , sorry ,_ endless fucking _sorrys--_ Doesn’t it get tiring? But somehow , for these people- They _craved_ it. They _loved_ hearing it. In short , they loved pity. They craved pity . They loved it when people felt bad for them , looking up for them for being so _stron_ g despite what they’ve been through.

But in this case , it was different. Phil wasn’t like everyone else. He wasn’t one who was open about his past , he _kept_ it all to himself actually. He didn’t see him as the ‘ hero ‘ in his story. He found himself his own _fuck_ ing villain , in fact. He hated all the ‘ sorrys ‘ he’d receive , despised pity so _damn_ much that he never wanted to receive it from _anyone._ He tore himself from the world to create his own little world.

Because who were talking about isn’t just a _someone._ It isn’t just a _he ,_ isn’t just a _they--_ It was Phil. Philip Michael _fucking_ Lester , the boy who had thorns wrapped around his legs;torso;body , arms , head , _heart;_ everything. He had all these thorns trapping him , piercing his skin deeply whenever he struggled to break free.

And somehow , this trapped [boy](http://66.media.tumblr.com/c1d9bdb95e8372ecb31c7eccf5b4705c/tumblr_o5xmw4UF2y1um2nc2o1_1280.jpg) managed to befriend someone in contrast to him.

The duo went back to the sea side after their ‘ mini-date ‘ or whatever you’d call that. Like a cliche movie scene , soft chuckles and giggles would flow out like a waterfall from Dan’s rosy pink lips. He’d hop atop of the brick wall , tawny brown shoes helping him balance . He walked across the wall , with his arms sticking out as if he had wings. He ambles throughout the narrow path whilst attempting to maintain his balance. And there’s this goofy , happy grin as he did so. Like he was fascinated by the simple , small things of the world. He found whatever he was doing quite fun , something enough to make him smile and happy.

You see , Dan’s different-- And this exact moment described him perfectly. Walking on the cantaloupe colored colored walls , with a pretty pastel sweater and pretty flowers adorning his hair was who they called _The Prince._ Of what , exactly? Oh , Phil didn’t know- It wasn’t _he_ who declared the brunette with such a title.

There’s just something pretty about that. Maybe it was because of the swooshing trees in the background , who strum a perfect melody whenever they hum their song , or perhaps the pastel blue sky that accompanied the trees. But without those , you’d still get a beautiful looking Dan. An angel , too good for this wretched place where the devils wander .

Dan was pretty. Whenever Phil looked upon him , he always saw _flowers._ Dozens of them , and not even the harmful types. Flowers like _Frangipanis , Dahlias , Lillies and whatnot ._ In each and every inch of his skin grew at least one of these types . He had an entire garden growing in his soul , filled with a variety of different flower breeds. Each flower would represent something that’s beautiful about him. _Frangipanis; How pure and innocent he was , the exploding yellow part representing how he was a ray of sunshine. Dahlias; How pretty his lips was. How pretty he was whenever that pink shade arose to his cheeks when he was flustered. Lillies; How he was similar to an angel , or the clouds. Simply pretty._ And despite each and every inch being covered with this flowers , it just proves that his entire existence itself was exquisite.

To accompany him , Phil walks over to him and holds him by his hand. Leading him carefully as he balances on the stone wall , making the scene look like a cliche , cheesy romantic flick.

_Once upon a time , there was a Prince and there was a Wolf.  
_

_Both were pawns at fate’s game called love._  
_Yet the Wolf was a blackbird , and the Prince was a dove._  
_Two species completely opposites;they aren’t meant for each other._  
_Yet both foolishly fall for one another , oh , what a bother.  
_ _In this game of love they fought , hoping they’d receive what they sought._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip im sorry if this was kinda empty / sUCKY im so oKOKOK this was more of a filler blegh. thE WRITING COUL DHAVE BEEN BETTER IM SO SORRY im not poetic lol !! rip im SORRY sobs im not prou dof thiS AT ALL U DONT UNDESTAND ddad
> 
> also click the link it's kind of a visage idk
> 
> i've made a masterpost btw !! it's on my tumblr , llestering. nya


	25. mistletoe

**  
24** ****

**TW : Mentions of death** ****

“ I don’t get mistletoe’s. “

Dan says out of the blue , an opinion that was totally uncalled for and nobody really asked about. The window was damp with mist , making the view outside look blurry and lose clarity. It was snowing hard outside , thus making it _very_ cold- Dan was lad to be inside , where there was nothing but warmth and food.

Christmas wasn’t necessarily one of Dan’s favorite holidays. Other than the fact that his family was him almost the entire month , it felt worse than them actually leaving the house in a week or so. Yes , they _were_ there physically but there were often busy . It’s like they weren’t even there in the first place , that or they _were_ there but they chose to ignore their only son. As much as Dan loved his parents , they _really_ weren’t the best when it comes to interacting with their child.

It was the 24th of December , Christmas eve as others would call. The house was packed with Christmas lights draped in every upper corner of the house , along with Christmas decor hung almost _everywhere_ and of course the big ol’ Christmas tree where gifts lay under. The house smelled of gingerbread and cinnamon , thanks to the scented candles his mother bought. Other than that , the house was filled with neighbors and relatives- AKA people Dan had _no_ interest talking with. But his parents seemed to think otherwise.

_Can’t we just have one Christmas all to ourselves as a family?_

“ Why? They’re just some plant people usually put up on the holidays. “ Vincent , Dan’s cousin , replied as he took a sip of his eggnog. Dan was sitting on the rocking chair , near the fireplace- Generally away from almost _everyone._ Each corner was filled with people he didn’t know , he didn’t _want_ them to be in here either. But he didn’t want to be rude , so he had to pretend that he was fine with them being around. “ And when you’re under it with someone , you _have_ to kiss them. “

“ Exactly! Why do we have to kiss them?! That sounds so redundant and boring. “ The brunette whined , throwing his head back. He rocked his chair a few more times before deciding to stand up.

“ It’s tradition , I guess. “ Vincent shrugged.

“ What if you’re under it with your cousin? Your sister , brother? “ Dan seethed , justifying his opinion. “ Mother? Father? Some creepy old dude , but most likely _relative?_ “

“ Well , if they _incest._ “ His cousin snorted before breaking into a series of laughter. Dan could only roll his eyes in disgust at him , and how _horrible_ that pun was. He pushed him playfully before heading out to the table to grab some cookies. The _only_ thing that made him cope out through this stupid event was the food , which was surprisingly delicious.

Just as Dan was grabbing himself a plateful of pastries , a voice suddenly chimed in behind him; causing him to jolt upwards and drop almost _everything_ on his plate if he didn’t maintain his balance. If he wasn’t a nice person and lacked respect , he probably would have yelled at whoever surprised him.

“ Oh , Daniel! “ A woman cooed sweetly , _too_ sweet that Dan found incredibly annoying. He’s clearly established that he doesn’t want to talk to _any_ of his relatives , but he didn’t want to be disrespectful. And his parents told him that he should respond to _every_ single question directed to him , so he was pretty much obliged to do this. _Ugh._ “ You’ve grown so much , you’re looking like a handsome young lad! “

 _Yeah , didn’t want to be a sperm eternally._ Dan sassed quietly , though he didn’t really word any of that-- It was just a thought. Putting on a sweet , plastic grin , Dan replies with a : “ Auntie! Ah , I guess I might have- Thank you! “

His tone was flat and monotone , expressing his disinterest in this conversation. He crossed his fingers , hoping that she’d take a hint and _leave_ him already. There were so may people in this house , why’d she choose to talk to _him?_

Yet much to the poor boy’s dismay , the lady kept talking and talking about nonsense things that Dan wasn’t particularly interested in. Not wanting to be rude , Dan only replied with repetitive ‘ yeah ‘s and ‘ mhm ‘s. His expression , however , showed clear apathy. He wanted to run away and lock himself in his room , but this woman was like a fucking _prison:_ trapping him. There were no means of escape or whatsoever , so he had to endure this until someone calls him or until this lady runs out of words to say.

“ Dan? “ His father called out , ceasing the lady from talking. She left after that , and Dan wanted to run over to his dad and _hug_ him for ‘ saving ‘ him. He could have done that , if it wasn’t for this _look_ on his face that was laced with unamusement. “ Someone’s out the door , and I believe it’s one of your . . . _Friends._ I believe you should get it , I have no interest in talking with him at all. “

Judging from his father’s tone and use of words , it could only be _one person._ Dan would have lectured his dad on how he shouldn’t call his friend such words , but he was too excited and happy for his arrival that he practically bolted to the door straight away . And of course , he was greeted with the face he expected to see.

A seafoam colored scarf was wrapped around his neck , hiding a portion of his face. A shade of crimson red painted his pale white face , thanks to the temperature outside. His hair was in a really messy form , as if he didn’t bother to brush or style at all-- But that alone made him look _cuter._ Those eyes of crystal blue sparkled with delight as a cute , little smile was formed with his lips as a gloved hand waved to the brunette.

“ Hi. “ Phil said simply , almost in a dorky manner . “ Um , Merry Christmas . . . _?_ “

“ Why was that phrased like a question? “ Dan chuckled , waving back at the other. He took a step to the side and gestured the other to come in. “ Other than that , Merry Christmas to you too , Phil. “

Dan noticed that he had this one neatly wrapped box in his hand . “ And oh , here’s my present for you- Er. “ Phil handed it to him , but stopped midway sentence as he surveyed the view. He didn’t exactly expect to see a _lot_ of people in the Howell’s household , so that took him by surprise. “ -- _Wow._ Didn’t expect to see more people than usual , I feel like I should have bought more gifts. “

“ Don’t be silly. I didn’t buy anyone gifts here , except for you and my parents. “ Dan retorted , escorting Phil to the dinning table where he could grab something to eat. He assumed he was hungry , and Dan knew how to properly treat a guest. “ Trust me , I don’t appreciate the fact that this place is _packed ,_ too. “

“ Ah , I reckon you’re not exactly close with your relatives , huh? “ Phil snorted before grabbing a plate. He didn’t expect Dan’s rude remark either , him being an extrovert he pretty much thought he was happy to communicate with almost everyone else in the house. “ That’s surprising. “

“ I get that a lot. “ Dan said. Phil didn’t really get too much , only some pastries and a slice of cake. After that , Dan lead him to the seats near the fireplace where no one was pretty much at. Besides , everywhere else was pretty _crowded_ so they didn’t have any other better options.

Silence hung between them for a while. They watched the people come and go , chit and chatter and whatnot-- It wasn’t really something you’d call ‘ entertainment ‘.

“ So. “ Phil began , but now before doing a fake cough to engage a conversation between them. “ Christmas , huh? “

“ Yeah. Christmas. “ Dan responded , saying the holiday as if it was something _pathetic._ It’s not like it _was ,_ but to him it did seem so. He’s always viewed it as a poor excuse to give each other gifts and to make the house look pretty for no reason at all , it’s main purpose didn’t quite shine out already. “ ... Not really my thing , honestly. “

Phil’s expression seemed to drop at that. “ Wow , really? Why so? “

“ It just isn’t. “ Dan muttered out , leaning against the wall. He watched his parents talk to some of their neighbors , they had this big smile on their face as they laughed loudly. _He_ used to make them laugh like that , but now? Not so much. Or _not at all , most likely._ “ -Do you like Christmas , Phil? “

“ Hm , honestly speaking , _yes._ But that would be in the past tense for now. “ The punk responded as he looked down. “ Usually , when it’s Christmas , I’d go over to Grandma’s house and we’d exchange simple presents. Then she’d bake some apple pie and maybe some chocolate chip cookies. Then we’d sit on the table together , talking about the small things that matter in life.... Y’know , good times. But , she’s pretty much... _Away ,_ so... “

Dan bit his lip. Now he feels guilty for hating on his parents for _not_ being there for him all the time , even though they’re still _physically there--_ Whilst Phil didn’t have _anyone_ left. Shouldn’t he be thankful?

“ ...Sorry. “ Dan muttered , guilt washing over him like a wave on the sea. “ Yeah , I get it. I didn’t mean to- “

“ God , stop apologizing for something that isn’t your fault. It’s annoying. “ Phil hissed , though he didn’t sound as angry as he used to b. Usually , when he blurted sentences similar to that out , he was _real_ mad- But this time , he sounded more... _Gentle._ Angry , but gentle. “ I hate that word. I think you know that , Dan. “

Dan would have blurted out another ‘ _sorry ‘_ involuntarily , but he pinched himself to stop him from doing so. Phil caught a glimpse of the boy’s gesture , which made a sigh escape his lips.

“ It’s fine. Don’t feel bad , I just-- “ Another sigh , a grunt most likely. He didn’t want to dig down deeper to his emotions , the _real_ reason why he heavily despised that word. “ --Do you like Christmas , Dan? “

Ah , changing the topic abruptly . Typical way to avoid _something._ “ Honestly speaking , _no..._ “ The brunette muttered , a wistful tone lacing his words. “ It’s...Supposed to be a holiday that you should celebrate with your family and everything , right? Well , in my case , it isn’t _exactly_ like that. I mean , they’re there , they’re _rarely_ here when it’s there isn’t some kind of holiday or whatever-- And honestly , when I was a kid , they were always focused on _me._ But as I grew up they just , I dunno... Completely forgot that I _fucking_ exist? I prefer them outside sometimes. Because _even_ if they’re here , they act like I’m not here- Like I don’t exist. They just , don’t talk to me at all anymore , don’t celebrate anything with me- Even my _own_ goddamn birthday. I even have to remind them that it’s my birthday. “

Dan would have continued on with his rambling , but he stopped as soon as he heard light snickering emitting from the other. An eyebrow raised in confusion as Dan questioned him. “ What’s so funny? “

“ Nothing , it’s just-- I always thought you had a picture perfect life , y’know? I never expected you to have too many problems , _especially_ with your family. “ Phil said. “ It’s because you’re always so _happy_ and positive , most of the time at least. I never see you so _negative ,_ so I didn’t really expect you’d be dealing with such problems. “

Dan snorts lightly. “ Yeah , I guess. I get that a lot , too , y’know. But just because I’ve been dealing with this _tiny_ problem doesn’t mean I should go act too emotional n’stuff. There are other people with worse problems , suffering with mental illnesses and others have disabilities- So I don’t really have a right to complain. “ He reasoned , sighing. Phil , for one , is a perfect example-Although Dan wasn’t really sure what he was dealing with. “ Besides , it gets better. “

“ _Sure wish it does._ “ Phil muttered to himself , sighing. Phil envied Dan sometimes. He wished he had _that_ kind of positivity , in where he didn’t have to deal with any negative or depressive thoughts. He really wonders sometimes how some people could just , _be_ so enthusiastic about living , y’know? But then again , what happened to him wasn’t really common-- And it’s not like he was thinking about it over and over again so he could drown in self-pity. Because in his perspective , what the world did to him was _so_ cruel- Cruel enough to rob all the positive thoughts he had when he was a child.

_Some things just aren’t easy to forget , y’know?_

Suddenly , they heard a fake cough from nowhere. Dan and Phil bought looked up at the same time , only to see the face of an unamused Mr.Howell.

“ Excuse me , _Daniel ,_ but may I ask-- What is _your_ little friend doing here? “ He questioned , eyeing Phil with distaste. He didn’t mind Dan having friends , really , but he _highly_ disliked anyone who had Phil’s appearance. To him , he looked like the type who’d be a bad influence to Dan- One who could damage his innocence and kindness.

_Well , he was indeed , after all._

Dan let out an annoyed ‘ _tsk ‘ ._ He rarely disrespected his parents , especially his mum , but if they went too far he couldn’t help but do so. “ Oh , so _you_ could invite anyone you like but _I’m_ not even allowed to bring _one_ guest? “ He sassed. “ Thanks dad. Real cool how we’re all equal here. “

Phil wanted to butt in , he hated how Dan had to speak up for him. The way he sees it , it was _his_ fault anyway- He _knew_ his dad didn’t like him due to his appearance and attitude , even his wrongdoings. Smoking , beating up people for self defense or for fun sometimes- He didn’t deserve Dan. He knew that.

“ Don’t you _dare_ speak to me in that tone , _Daniel._ “ His father hissed. “ Isn’t he supposed to be with his family rather than being with his _friend?_ “

“ Yeah , and aren’t you supposed to be with celebrating with your _fucking_ son rather than all these people? A bit hypocritical now , huh? “ He shot back , glaring at his own father. He couldn’t help but vent out all his feelings now. Why was he so _over protective_ of him when he clearly doesn’t even notice him anymore? God , some people are _so_ confusing sometimes.

“ Watch your mouth , Daniel! We are _not_ the topic here. I’m asking here why isn’t your friend wi- “

“ Sir , my entire family died when I was 5 years old. I have no relatives to go to because they do not welcome me , either. Your son invited me so I decided to go. “ Phil responded harshly , coldly even. He didn’t dare look in his eyes , he remained his gaze on the floor. He didn’t like talking about _that ,_ but if he wanted a straight and clear reason , he’ll give him that. He didn’t want Dan to get in a fight because of him , either. “ If you wanted me to leave , you could have just said so. “

Phil walked away after that , leaving his father’s mouth agape. Dan shot him a glare , disgusted on how his _own goddamn father_ could be so insensitive sometimes. After that , he ran over to Phil who was _close_ to exiting through the door.

“ Phil , wait! “ He called out. Phil stopped on his tracks and glanced back at Dan. It surely took a while to get over to him , thanks to the sea of people that was blocking his way thus making him slower. “ I’m sorry about my dad-- He’s a real dick sometimes , I know. But please don’t leave yet , I really _really_ want to celebrate Christmas with you- All of my other friends are busy and I literally have no one to talk to here , I feel lonely. So _please_ don’t go yet , I promise that it wouldn’t be t- “

The punk laid a finger atop of Dan’s lips to silence him. He was rambling too much , overreacting maybe but he wouldn’t dare say that to him. “ Hush now , calm down . “ He chuckled , finding his awkward fumbling _adorable._ Was he _that_ desperate for him to say? Alrighty , then. “ Okay , _geez ,_ I’ll stay. Your dad just- Struck a nerve , y’know ? But if you insist , I will. Just , calm down okay? You’re hilarious , Howell. “

A small laughed escaped his lips as he walked back in , ruffling the brunette’s hair. Dan felt himself blush and heard his heart’s pace quicken , there was just _something_ about Phil’s laugh that sent pigeons to his stomach. And he meant the genuine , blissful laugh- Not the sarcastic or forced one. It was safe to say that it was one of his favorite sounds in the world.

“ Hey , if you don’t like being with everyone else , do you want to go inside my room instead? “ Dan suggested as he walked back to Phil. “ At least there we’re alone , and we don’t have anyone to disturb us. “

Well , _that_ made Phil laugh out loud. Like , _really_ loud. He even had to cover his mouth to refrain himself from attracting people.

But Dan was confused , _very_ confused. “ Wait , what’s so--? “

“ That sounded like a sexual innuendo , Dan. “ Phil snorted. “ Oh my _god ,_ I can’t believe you didn’t realize. You’re so _innocent_ and cute that it _hurts!_ “

Dan probably would have intensely blushed at the fact that _Phil Lester just fucking called him ‘ cute ‘ ,_ but his mind decided to be a douche and concentrate on the fact that he involuntarily said a sexual innuendo - He didn’t even do it on purpose! Blood rushed to his face , painting his entire face _red_ in embarrassment . “ Oh my god , _oh my god_ I’m so sorry-- I didn’t even! “

“ Aw , gonna play _innocent_ now , huh? Now you seem reluctant to do so. “ Phil teased , winking at him playfully. “ Don’t worry , _I don’t bite._ “

Well , _that_ only made him blush even _more_ furiously. Not to mention the fact that this was _Phil ,_ the boy who made his heart throb like a fucking drum. “ Phil _!_ “

“ _Daaaan._ “ Phil mocked teasingly , sticking his tongue out. Dan rolled his eyes in annoyance and pushed Phil playfully. Phil only laughs in response.

-

Now , they were in Dan’s bedroom. Don’t worry , there was no sexual tension going on between the two.

Phil was sprawled on his bed like a starfish. His gaze was affixed on the window outside , watching the snow fall and kiss the ground gingerly. It was piling up slowly , by now it was probably at least 2 feet deep.

Dan was on his piano. It was placed on the very corner of his room , which he hadn’t touch in _forever_ that it was starting to collect dust. His fingers frolicked on the black and white keys , playing a soft simple tune that could lure Phil to sleep.

“ You’re really good at piano , y’know? “ Phil said , his eyelids falling as he drowned himself in Dan’s piano playing. It was melodic , beautiful and all in all flawless. He could tell that he was a passionate player .

“ Uh , _thanks_ I guess... “ Dan muttered , though not stopping from playing. He heard everyone cheer loudly outside , so he assumed that the clock probably struck at 12. It was finally _Christmas._ “ Um , wait. I’ll be out , I’ll quickly grab something- “

Dan jolted out of his room after that. That gave a moment for Phil to study his room for a while. He noticed how his room contrasted with his , and how _big_ the differences were. It pretty much represented his personality as well , how he was so full of light and happiness- _God ,_ Phil envied that. He loved how colorful his room was , it splashed a variety of different pastel colors- Whilst _his_ was pretty much the opposite. It was solely painted of black and white , representing how _monochromatic_ his life was and how it lacked color. Oh , how he wished he could view the world how Dan viewed it. Or at least let someone paint his life with colors , black and white were _boring_ colors. They were empty and dead , _just like him._

“ Alright , I’m back! “ Dan announced as he went back in with a wrapped box in his hand. Phil assumed it was his Christmas present for him. Phil sat up as Dan approached him and sat beside him , handing him the box with a sheepish smile on his face. “ Um , this is my gift for you , i guess. It’s not exactly the best , I’m sorry-- But I’ve noticed that you’ve got eyebags and all , and er , concluded that you _may_ or may not have a sleeping problem...I dunno , so I got you this. “

Phil would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited as he unwrapped his present. It was wrapped in a shiny , metallic like ebony wrapper- Dan _obviously_ had to pick out the wrapper that followed his aesthetic. It was a white box , and inside was a small wooden box that was painted black. He opened it slowly , only to see a small figure of a guy with ebony black--partially dyed blue-- hair with tattoos sitting beside a guy with cinnamon brown hair with a flower crown on his head. They spun slowly as a it played a soft , gentle melody that was generally pleasing to your ears. Phil’s eyes twinkled in amusement , his heart fluttering at Dan’s gift. It was absolutely the _sweetest_ gift he has ever received his entire life.

_Now he felt ashamed of his_

“ Dan , are you serious? Where did you get this? “ Phil said , face visible with shock. His eyes were practically glued to the figure in the middle , he carefully listened to the song that played in repeat . “ This is _amazing._ “

“ Eh , it’s nothing special. There’s a shop somewhere downtown where they could make custom music boxes , so I decided that I’d get this for you. Since , y’know , your sleeping problems and everything. “ Dan shrugged. He didn’t really expect Phil to like the gift , he assumed that he would probably find it boring or something else.

“ _Nothing special?_ Are you serious , this is-- Oh my god , this is adorable. You even got _us_ in the middle-- I- I don’t even know what to say , uh , _thank you._ “ Phil said. It was honestly cute how he was so fascinated by the small gift , he obviously appreciated it _very_ much. That fact alone made Dan smile like a dork. “ God , I don’t want you to open my gift now. I feel so ashamed , it’s so cliche honestly. “

“ Noo , I doubt it. “ He got Phil’s present as he went to grab his , too. He wrapped it in this cute , pastel pink wrapper that’s decorated with white pixel stars. Really cute , if he may say. He unwrapped it excitedly , giggling as he did so. He opened it only find the _most_ beautiful flower crown he’s ever seen in his life. The flowers weren’t made of cloth , paper or anything- They were made out of plastic glass that shone like crystals under the sun. He could ever recognize the flowers. There was a white Camellia , a red Rose , a pink Camellia , an Orchid , a red Carnation , a blue Aster , a Daisy , a yellow Primrose , a pink Rose and a red Camellia.

“ Um, I couldn’t find anything else I could afford- So I figured that this would do. God , it’s so lame compared to your gift- I’m sorry. I’ll get something else better next time , I promise- “

“ What are you talking about? This is adorable , Phil! No joke , thank you so much! “ Dan squealed , a huge smile painting on his face. As simple as it was , it _still_ meant a lot to him. He meant his words with genuinely , which Phil could distinguish despite that huge grin on his face. That smile that made his heart beat like Josh Dun plays the drums. Slowly , Dan took off his current flower crown and put on the one Phil gave him. “ Hey , how does it look? “

“ It looks perfect on you. “ Phil smiled. “ Well , I’d say anything looks perfect with you , but I’m assuming you already knew that. “

They both laugh.

-

The party soon ended , and Dan could tell so because everyone was starting to leave. Phil stayed for a little while till it was finally time to go. Being a decent host , Dan escorted his friend to the exit.

“ Thank you for inviting me , Dan. “ Phil said with as he walked out of the door . He wrapped that scarf of his around his neck . “ Today was really fun. I thought I was going to be alone for Christmas , but it turns out my predictions were wrong. “

“ _Idiot._ Ya think I’d let you be alone this Christmas? “ Dan snorted as he rolled his eyes playfully. He grinned sheepishly before waving goodbye to Phil. “ Yeah , today was fun. Thank you for today , too. “

Phil’s grin grew a tad . He brushed Dan’s hair off of his forehead before planting a small kiss on it , which left Dan absolutely _dumbfounded._ His heart’s pace raised up to the point that it was literally going to fucking _explode_ right there. He could feel butterflies- No , _fireworks_ explode in his stomach as the small moment occurred. Phil soon pulled away , giving Dan this cute little smile that could make Dan _melt_ where he currently was _(_ even though it was snowing hard _)_.

“ Bye , Dan. I’ll see you around. “ Phil said cutely , waving goodbye before walking off. Dan was still stuck in that moment before , because only his subconscious replied by waving goodbye . He was confused at the moment , not exactly sure why Phil even kissed him in the first place.

Cinnamon brown eyes looked above.

_Mistletoe..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaay hihello. omg guys i already have SO many plans for some future phanfics that I'll post ,, and im so HYPED to write them ( i've already written some tbh ) AAA but they're all kinda fucked up and my mom is questioning my ideas and she's often like ' tf aren't you like 13 '
> 
> ANYWAY i hope u like this ud. it's not the best but ( : hi


	26. dance with the devil

 

**25** ****

Vacation seemed to pass in a blink of an eye. Days have passed but Dan _still_ couldn’t seem to erase that event in his mind.

_What_ event , specifically? Well , that one time on Christmas where he _fucking kissed him on his forehead under the Mistletoe!_ It wasn’t exactly ‘ romantic ‘ seeing on how he didn’t choose to kiss him on the _lips_ instead , yet it was already enough to make Dan squeal like a teenage girl who’s laid a single finger on her favorite band member’s skin.

He’s been obsessing about it for _days._ Hugging and biting his favorite pastel pillow as he rolls all over his bed , the mere thought of his lips in contact with _his_ skin sending him in an adrenaline rush. It was sort of worrying , really- He _might_ be overreacting , but who could blame poor Daniel Howell? To be kissed by the one and only _Phil Lester_ was a privilege _!_ Sorta- _Maybe._ He didn’t know. Either way , it _still_ made him super duper happy _!_ He hadn’t told anyone about it , afraid that they might find his exploding enthusiasm about it weird or creepy . Also because Phil _might not_ want him to share this with anyone , similar to almost _everything else that happens between them._

He could even go into detail when it comes to explaining what happened. The contact was like electricity , it managed to send electricity to his veins and shock his heart . It sent fireworks exploding in his stomach rather than those cliche butterflies . It was so tender and ginger , like snow kissing the ground . Everything else seemed to pause as that very moment occurred , stars seemed to emerge and spiral around them- Like some dramatic Anime scene if that helps. It was just- So _magical ,_ like a page in a Fairytale.

_God ,_ that’s just on the freaking _forehead._ What more if it’s on the _lips?_

Dan couldn’t imagine the wonders of it. It’d probably be the best and most enchanted thing he’ll ever experience in his entire life.

_Like it’d happen._

_Shut up , brain._

“ Daniel! “ A booming voice called out , causing the boy to jolt up from his position and sit on his bed. His mother opened his door , peeking in to see what’s up with his son. Dan batted his eyelashes innocently , acting as if nothing was going on with him _(_ clearly a liar , isn’t he? _)_ “ Yes , mom? “

She tapped her foot impatiently , hand on hip with an irritable look illustrated on her features. Dan could clearly tell that it was merely a false exterior , despite knowing his mother’s true nature _(_ and she was SO not like his father. _)_ “ You’ve been slacking around too much! Aren’t you aware that you’re going to be late for school?! “

The brunette quickly glanced at his clock. _9:05. Shit._

“ Oh , sorry! I was distracted , um- “ If there was _any_ _word_ that could perfectly describe his mom’s personality sometimes , it’d be _nosy._ He tried his very best to act casual as possible , praying that he wouldn’t ask anything about his love life or whatsoever. Abruptly , he grabs his bag and rushes out of his bedroom door . _Please don’t tell me she’s giving me that suspicious look again._

“ I’ll just eat food at school! And I’ll just use my own lunch money , okay? Bye! “ With that being said , he dashed to the door not giving his mother a chance to even open her mouth to question him about his sudden hasty attitude. He lets out a relieved sigh as he safely escapes the house with no questions asked.

-

Everyone seems pretty fresh after the long Christmas/New Year vacation. Everyone seemed more enthusiastic than usual , as if it was a resolution in their list. Majority of them were pretty happy about New Year , he assumed , but _he_ was happy about the previous holiday- Which would be _Christmas._ And you could tell why.

Albeit there were only a few students hanging around in the hallway mostly. Most were already in their classrooms , getting ready for their classes and whatnot. After grabbing whatever he needed in his locker , Dan proceeded to go to _his_ class- And thankfully , he was 5 minutes early. Or maybe the teacher was just late. _Again._

_Groan._

_Someone needs to fix their New Years resolution ._

Thanks to the teacher’s absence , everyone felt free to talk to whoever they wanted to talk to- And they _were ,_ anyway with no adult to lecture them or whatsoever. Dan sat there on his seat , not knowing who to talk to-- His only friend in this class was PJ who happened to be talking to some chic. Thus , he didn’t have anyone else. It felt painfully awkward , he really couldn’t stand being in a room full of noise with nothing to distract him. Since he was obliged to stay inside , he stood up and decided to at least wait by the door until the teacher comes. The hallway was a lot more silent therefore _better._

And he was right. As soon as he was right next to his classroom’s door , everything went dead _silent_ which was what he needed for now. He lets out a sigh , bowing his head down as he leans against the cold hard wall. He couldn’t help but think about the previous year , how it was such a wild ride ever since that _one_ person entered his life. It was as if he was a hurricane that suddenly came and started a shitstorm in his life.

“ --- _Dan?_ “

The brunette looked up only to see Chris , _also_ leaned against the wall. He didn’t share the same class with him at this hour , he was in the class right next his.

“ Oh. Hey Chris. “ Dan greeted , giving him a small wave. He didn’t really buy the idea of being all alone until the teacher came anyway , so he was glad that at least _Chris_ was here to talk to him. “ It’s been a long time , huh? How are you ? “

“ Yeah , I’m pretty fine. New years was _sick_ and Christmas was- Well , _Christmas._ Nothing new , but it’s safe to assume that I like New year more. The fireworks show in our village was _amazing!_ Man , I _wish_ I could have taped it! “ He said , there was obvious enthusiasm found in his tone meaning that he really meant his words. Dan could only smile as he listened to his friend , not wanting to interrupt him. It was simply just a cute sight , to see your friend talk about one thing and they’re super excited about it. “ All in all , vacation was good. What about you , Dan? How was New year? “

“ _Eh ,_ nothing much. It was pretty boring. “ _But of course._ Phil didn’t get to come for some reason , and all Dan did was go to some _dumb party_ with his parents. He didn’t watch the fireworks show his village had to offer , he wasn’t a big fan of them thanks to that one time he nearly lost his _whole fucking hand_ because of some firecrackers. “ Only , I could say Christmas was better- No , scratch that , Christmas was the _best_ of the best. Could have been more perfect. “

“ Oooh , someone’s had a great time clearly. “ Chris teased , smirking . He could tell that it had to do something with _love ,_ thanks to that twinkling found in Dan’s eyes. “ C’mon , Danny! Spill the beans- What happened , exactly? “

_Shit._ A red hue rose to Dan’s cheeks as the Chris’s question registered in his mind. _Fuck , he doesn’t know- No one else does except for PJ! Oh god , does he know? Did PJ tell him? He does- or did- have a crush on him , and they are best friends- Jesus , he probably told him. That bastard. Or maybe he didn’t , I don’t know! I should stop assuming , he didn’t! PJ wouldn’t do that , he isn’t one to spill secrets. Ugh , why am I even reacting this way?_

“ Um. “ Dan gulped , trying to generate a proper , reasonable reply which almost seemed _impossible._ “ Just- er , things. It’s not a big deal , really , it’s just better than having to go to shitty parties that my parents make. Nothing else! “

“ I know that you’re lying , Dan , but whatever you say. “ He wasn’t one to force something out of someone’s mouth , anyway. But he could clearly tell Dan was lying , thanks to his signature awkward fumbling and sweat prickling from his temples. “ And hey , don’t worry , I have _no_ idea who this ‘ person ‘ is , but I _am_ aware that you have a crush , don’t sweat about it. “

A quick glimpse at the boy with evident skepticism dancing on his visage. Even with reassurance , he is doubtful of his statement-- But Chris _rarely_ lies , so it _must_ be true. _This is what happens once you have trust issues. Can’t even trust the most truthful person you know._

Then cue that boring , awkward and painful silence rising between them. None of them had a topic in mind , both secretly wishing that the teacher will _finally_ fucking come to cut the silence between them.

“ So. Prom. “ Chris said , catching Dan’s attention quickly. His head shot up , swiftly turning to Chris’s direction. “ Last big event before Grad. Last occasion before we all separate , huh? “

“ Yeah...I guess. “ Dan said , not exactly excited about _Prom._ “ Do you have a prom date yet , Chris? “

Then Chris’s face breaks into this big , goofy grin. The type of grin people who’re in love usually do , where they’ll just smile oh so widely as the thought of that person passes their mind. Then they’ll cover their mouth in embarrassment as a blush creeps up to their cheeks. _Yup ,_ that’s what Chris was doing.

“ Yeah , actually. I can’t believe they said _yes._ “ Chris chuckled. “ I’ve been liking them for _so long_ , y’know? Turns out the feelings were mutual- Haha. It feels great , to know that the person you love loves you back. “

_The person you love loves you back._

_God , Dan wished he could experience that feeling._

But there was no need to be bitter despite the lack of romance in his life. He should be happy for Chris , he was his friend afterall. “ That’s great , Chris! I’m happy for you! “ Dan cheered and it was all genuine. He wasn’t faking it or anything , he really _was_ happy for his friend. Whoever that person was was lucky , Chris was a great catch. But they _better_ take care of him.

Just as Chris muttered his ‘ _thanks ‘ ,_ PJ’s face suddenly popped up in his head. Would he mind? He _was_ in love with him , afterall. _Take note: Was. Not is. Past tense , Dan._ First loves were really hard to forget , and judging from the way PJ talked about him , he could clearly tell that he was _still_ in love with him.

He couldn’t help but sigh sadly. _God , I’m so sorry Peej._

“ What about you , Dan? Ya have a date yet , who’s the lucky gal? Or _guy ,_ at least? “ Chris nudged , hitting Dan on the shoulder lightly. Dan looked down , slumping against the cold wall as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his pants. An apathetic sigh rolls off his tongue as his enthusiasm drops.

“ Gee , to be honest- _Nah._ Don’t have one. “ He muttered , his words nearly inaudible. Some girls have asked him before Christmas vacation but Dan straight up said _no._ For the guys , too . He swore that he wouldn’t really care about his prom date and would take out the first person that asked him , but seeing how things worked out _last year_ made him change his mind. “ I was thinking of not going , actually. “

Chris’s smile suddenly dropped. “ What? Why? “ He asked in disbelief , visage painted with shock. “ Is it because of what happened _last year?_ “

He avoids eye contact with the other. Dan’s lips protruded into a small pout as he grunted. Last year , he asked out this girl he _really_ liked and she said yes. Dan was really happy and he even bought her chocolates and flowers . It wasn’t necessarily ‘ love ‘ , more like _infatuation_ in Dan’s case. As soon as Dan went out of his house , ready to pick her up , she texted him and cancelled at the very last minute. That put Dan down in the dumps , but he still decided to go to hang out with all of his friends. The night was going perfectly swell but was immediately wrecked as soon as he saw _her_ with another boy. Turns out she lied to him , brought his hopes up and crushed it into pieces in the very end. That experience alone sorta ruined prom for Dan .

_Fool me once , shame on you._

“ Yeah. Probably. “ Dan admitted , letting out yet again _another_ sigh. “ I just- I don’t want _that_ to happen again. It made me feel really shitty , y’know? And I won’t really have a date , so what’s the point? “

“ Aw , c’mon! There’s gotta be _someone_ who’ll ask you out! “ Chris exclaimed. He opened his mouth to add something else , but closed it after. “ -- W-Well , I mean someone you can _tolerate._ “ _Dan has fangirls. Of course someone would fuckin’ ask the lad out._

Dan pondered. _Someone_ he can tolerate? All of his fangirls were mainly after his _stupid_ looks. He doubted that he could endure breathing for a _second_ near them. “ Yeah... I don’t think there’s any. Sorry. “

“ Psh , you _gotta_ bring someone. It’s like , the _last_ party we’ll ever have together as a group! “ Chris reasoned , and _he did have a valid point after all._ “ C’mon , it can’t be _that_ hard! “

Dan decided to think more. Well , he could ask Phil out , but that would take a _lot_ of courage although it’d be worth it. But _then again ,_ he’s dating Hazel. Taking someone _else_ out to prom whilst dating someone else was basically _cheating_ at this point. He _could_ give it a try , perhaps . It’s not like he was expecting anything anyway , so rejection wouldn’t hurt too much.

“ If the right person asks me out , then I might go. “ Dan stated. “ Or if the person I have in mind says yes , then maybe I’ll go . “

A grin stretches across Chris’s face. “ Crossing my fingers that they’ll say _yes._ “

They could hear faint footsteps. It must be the teachers , they guess. They exchanged looks before running back to their classrooms , and it turns out their guess _was_ right. Their teacher explained why he was late and apologized to the class before starting the lesson.

Dan couldn’t concentrate on his teacher’s words too much. They all sounded muffled thus muted in his ears . His mind was too busy on formulating a speech or whatever on how he should ask Phil out. ‘ Hey , I was wondering , do you wanna come to prom with me? As friends? ‘ _Too casual._ ‘ Hi , Phil! Do you have any prom dates? Oh , you’re alone? So am I! Let’s go together , yeah? ‘ _Sounds like you’re desperate to swoon him._ ‘ Hey , Phil! Do you wanna- ‘ _Ah , shit._ Who was he kidding? He was probably going to flop. He’d probably be a stuttering mess the moment he’s in front of Phil , _that’s for sure._ Besides , he hasn’t seen him since _Christmas._ Awkwardness would inevitably emerge betwixt them , no doubt . Dan could already tell.

With his palm cupping his cheek and eyes directed to the clock , Dan hopes that time will pass by quickly. Fingers drum against the wooden table as he sighs deeply.

_Well , let fate write the next event in this crappy story book of mine then. I don’t care._

_-_

As if Dan’s prayers were answered , class _did_ seem to fly faster than usual. Before he knew it , it was already lunch. Most of his friends were busy preparing for Prom or something , so they didn’t have time to hang out with Dan for lunch. That was perfectly fine for Dan , he decided to hang out with Phil in that case.

He wasn’t on his usual spot for his homeroom class which honestly made Dan a little bit sad. There was still one class where they could meet , but maybe finding him on lunch would be a better idea.

He wasn’t in the park. Or outside the school , or even in the school grounds. He wasn’t _anywhere_ to be found , actually- So his only chance of meeting him was on _Biology._ He frowned , sighing sadly knowing that he was going to be alone for lunch which wasn’t exactly a great thing.

He decided to go to the music room where that piano was. The _same_ piano where he cried on because of that pretty girl.

The entire hallway was silent when he walked over to the music room. _Thud , thud-_ His footsteps practically echoed throughout the entire hallway , filling in silence. Suddenly , he heard a _faint_ violin playing which was coming from the music room-- Did someone else visit the music room often like _him?_ Well , in Dan’s case , not exactly _often ,_ but it could count.

He ran over to the said room. There he saw a black silhouette , a bow expertly held in his hands with a violin on his shoulder. He played the classical ‘ _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star ‘_ by Mozart--- It wasn’t really impressive _(_ despite it being a beginner’s song _)_ , but it was pretty pleasing to hear.

Dan walked in a little bit closer only to see the face he was looking for.

Sunlight seeped in through the only open window , circling around him like a spotlight. The dust particles that were visible looked like small stars in the brunette’s view . Phil’s eyes were closed as he played , dainty fingers gingerly grasping the violin’s fingerboards. The bow glazed over the strings in a mellow manner , making the melody sound more peaceful than ever.

A singular eye opens for Phil. He wasn’t really expecting to see another face , so when his gaze met Dan’s he was of course _startled ,_ thus resulting him to dropping both the bow and the violin as he jumped upwards. Dan , too , was startled by Phil’s abrupt moments , but the only thing he could do was back away slightly.

Their gazes connect for a moment as Phil’s hand was placed against his heart , which was beating in such a rational pace. He was panting lightly , but his gaze never tore away from Dan’s.

“ _Jesus Christ ,_ Dan. “ Phil muttered before ripping his gaze away from his. He bent down to pick up the fallen violin and bow. “ I didn’t notice you come in , don’t _scare_ me like that. “

Yet Phil’s words seemed inaudible in Dan’s ears. He concentrated on the black haired boy’s new look which only made him look even _more_ attractive than before.

“ You...Shaved your sides? “ Dan observed , a single finger pointing to his hair. His long hair looked nice , it made him look handsome. But this? God , it made him look _hot. Jesus- What the fuck am I thinking?!_

Phil hummed in response , not exactly meeting Dan’s gaze. He was returning the violin to it’s case before tucking it to where it previously was , a dusty ol’ corner. Phil wasn’t an expert on the violin like how Dan was an expert on the piano , he’s only learned _one_ song and that was that.

“ Oh. Yeah , guess I did. “ Phil said as Dan’s observation finally registered. He glanced over at the brunette , only to see him with his mouth agape and eyes widened- His cheeks grew cherry pink , too. “ Hey , take a picture. It lasts longer. “ The punk teased as he winked jokingly.

_Ugh , there goes his narcissistic side again._ Dan muttered to himself before closing his mouth shut , tearing his eyes away from Phil. “ _You wish._ “ He mumbled sassily , crossing his arms. He heard a faint chuckle from Phil after that.

Phil stretched his back as he grunted , walking over to the piano before climbing atop of it and sitting on it. “ Aren’t you supposed to be with your little group? “ Phil said , resting his hands on the cold coal marble.

Dan walks over to the piano’s seat , plopping himself on the velvet red cushion. He rested his dainty fingers on the keys , gently pressing over the G note . “ Well , yeah. But everyone else is busy , I guess. Like last time. “ Dan muttered , pouting. “ I thought _you_ were gone as well , but ah , here you are. “

Phil doesn’t say anything. He only rests both his palms on the piano , leaning backwards. Dan couldn’t help but picture him as a model , he _did_ look like one anyway. With those perfectly chiseled features , companies would be _fighting_ over him.

“ You never told me that you can play the violin. “ Dan pointed out . He didn’t , really- Heck , he didn’t even assume that Phil could play _any_ instrument.

“ You never asked. “ Phil retorted with a smirk. He received a childish glare from Dan thanks to that , but that only made him look _adorable_ causing him to laugh . “ I can’t , really. I can only play _Twinkle Twinkle_ and that’s basically it . “

“ Eh? Why didn’t you continue on practicing , then? “ Dan said. He _was_ already great at playing simple songs , what more if he played others? “ That was pretty good for a simple _Twinkle Twinkle ,_ actually. “

“ Thanks , but no thanks. “ Phil chuckled , lightly shaking his head in disapproval. “ You see , my violin teacher was really strict. She yelled at me a lot and hit me with the bow several times if I didn’t get the note right. Not that kind of thing is _new_ to me , but I couldn’t bear with her loud mouth , so I left. No one’s forcing me to go , anyway. “

_Wait , abuse isn’t new to him?_ Dan frowned. _Did Phil get abused in his past life?_

“ Anyway , enough about me. Everyone’s talking about prom lately , eh? “ Phil said , changing the topic quickly before it could get worse. He realized that he _accidentally_ let something slip out when he didn’t intend for it to. He didn’t want to talk about his past , be it with Dan or _anyone_ else. He hated look back .

_Oh , prom!_ A little voice exclaimed in Dan’s head. He _was_ planning to ask him out , right? Maybe this was his chance! “ O-Oh , yeah! Everyone’s pretty excited for it , I guess. “ Dan said , almost awkwardly thanks to the way he worded his words. “ Uh , are you bringing in Hazel? Since , y’know , you’re dating and all. She’s technically _not_ from our school but that won’t stop an- “

“ Hazel and I already broke up. “

Dan fell silent. _Oh._

He didn’t know if he should either shriek in joy or feel sorry for Phil. If he _did_ jump in joy , he’d feel guilty after because _only assholes do that , idiot._ But he couldn’t distinguish any sadness from Phil’s tone , as if he doesn’t really care. _Doesn’t he like Hazel? Why doesn’t he give a shit , why is he acting so neutral about it?_

“ O-Oh. “ Was all he could say.

“ Don’t even think about saying ‘ _I’m sorry ‘_ or anything like that. “ Phil stated , his tone flat as ever. “ Ya clearly know I hate that. “

His expression , too , seemed neutral. He didn’t have a frown , he only had this small smile on his face. A face you’d determine as ‘ _fine ‘ ._ It was as if his and Hazel’s relationship didn’t matter at all.

“ Do you have a date to prom , Dan? “ Phil asked. “ Coming from the whispers and murmurs from the hallway , you have a choice of girls. A _lot_ of them , actually . Geez , you lucky boy- Most guys would _die_ to be in your shoes. “

Dan rolled his eyes. _No ,_ most guys were thankful that they weren’t in his shoes. It was annoying , actually. It wasn’t fun to be trailed by a _dozen_ of girls who were desperate for you to take them out , when in reality they weren’t really after your personality or _you_ in general- They only cared about looks and fame. _Well , in their school at least_

“ Nah. Not really , I doubt it. “ Dan said. “ I don’t have anyone , actually. What about you , Phil? “

“ Eh , I don’t have one either. Some girls , like 3 or something , tried asking me out but I shut them all down. I’m not really interested in them , _especially_ that one who just- _Ugh ,_ shoved her boobs in front of me? Christ. “ He could feel a shiver run down his spine as the thought ran through his mind. It _wasn’t_ pleasant at all , nor was it ‘ sexy ‘ . It was just _gross ,_ a desperate gesture which Phil didn’t appreciate. “ Safe to say that I’m gonna be a loner in prom. “

“ O-Oh! “ Dan said. _This was his cue! All you have to do is ask , Dan!_ “ Well , you don’t have to be a loner , really- “

“ Nah. I insist on being a loner , if you’re thinking of matching me with some of your friends or something. I’m fine , really. I might not even come . “ Phil said , shrugging. He didn’t really care about prom , he didn’t even attend _last year._

“ No , really , you don’t have to! Because I was thinking of- “

“ No , Dan , really. I’m fine. “ He stated. Why was he being so pushy , anyway? “ I don’t even want to come to prom in the fi- “

“ _Jesus_ fucking Christ , just let me finish my _fucking_ sentence! “ He exclaimed , scowling at him before he could even finish. “ As I was saying , do you want to go with prom with me? “

Phil’s eyes widened. His heart skipped a beat. He looks at Dan as if he was suggesting something _crazy ,_ and he would most definitely be yelling at him now if he could. _Did he still have that pathetic little crush on him?!_

Dan slapped himself mentally. “ As friends! “ he added quickly before things could get worse. _Jesus , nice save._

_Oh._ Was the only word that popped up in Phil’s head as Dan added the last two words. As _friends?_ Was this just an excuse so he couldn’t go with other girls ?

_Good, he doesn’t like me anymore._

Yet somehow , that thought made him feel both relieved and sad at the same time. _Wow , he got over me that quick?_

“ Yeah , sure. Why not? “ Phil shrugged , answering as if it wasn’t a big deal. Well , to him it _was-_ He doesn’t know about Dan. Perhaps he only asked him out as a _fake_ date , so he wouldn’t get any dirty looks from all the girls that asked _him_ out. _Maybe. Just maybe._ Ugh , it probably was true- Why would someone like _him_ still be interested in Phil , anyway?

Dan felt like he could already explode in happiness. _Fuck yes! He said yes , oh my god , he said yes!_ It was overreacting to most people , but he couldn’t help but be so fucking happy. He was going to spend his _last_ prom with his one and only best friend--- The best friend he was _in love with._ Phil was surely unaware of the fact that he still liked him , but he guessed that things should stay that way.

“ Just , don’t expect too much , alright? “ Phil said with a wink. “ I’m not the best dancer around. And it isn’t exactly _smart_ to ask a _Wolf_ out to prom , y’know? _Especially_ if you’re a _Prince._ “ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god that could have been better but im tired  
> jfc when this is finally over i can chECK ALL MY MISTAKES AND ERASE THOSE EMBARRASSING typos  
> and EW this could have been beTTER but im so t ired ims orry lmao have this ( when will shai ever gain self esteem in her writing(tm) ) but i hope u like it or w/e idk man
> 
> falls over tbh im t ired


	27. runaway wolf who's disguised as a prince

**26** ****

_Prom._

It was one word with four letters and one syllable , but it was this huge event that’s packed with students from both Junior and Senior . It was a night to have fun and to enjoy , to cherish the time you can _still_ spend with your friends--- Sounds found , doesn’t it? It is. It’s _supposed_ to be and sound fun , yet to Dan’s ears , it was an event that was _nerve-wracking_.

It’s supposed to be fun , _yes ,_ but to Dan it somehow _wasn’t._ Perhaps it was his dislike for parties? The feeling of discomfort he gets whenever he’s in a sea of people? Or was it because of last year’s events? _How should Dan know?_

Nevertheless , here he was. Under the same , boring ceiling he gets to face every night; except for the fact that it was morning. He was still bewildered by the fact that _oh my god I am actually going with Phil fucking Lester for prom_ and he has _no_ idea what to do. What does he wear? Should he give him chocolates? Flowers? Cigarettes , _anything?_

_Calm down , Dan. You’re going out as friends. Just do shit what people would normally do._

_Ah , right._ Just friends. Overreacting was _seriously_ starting to become one of Dan’s main habits nowadays , was it not?

He groaned. He grunted. He moaned , he _sighed._ What was he supposed to do? He was afraid he was going to fuck up , let his feelings slip out once again when they’re slow dancing in the middle of the night. And he’s already crippling in anxiety at the mere thought of it , he doesn’t want to be separated from him _again._ No matter how hard it was , he’d rather mask his feelings for him for eternity rather than break his friendship with him. _That_ or he’ll teach himself to get over it----- _Maybe he should._ But it wasn’t that easy , in Dan’s case anyway.

Why was he even worried about it , anyway? Why didn’t he mentally prepare himself the last few days then , it was _tonight_ so worrying about it _now_ was probably pointless and stupid-- If he gets nervous about this even more , he’ll probably fuck it up at the actual thing. _Fuck._

Throwing his feet to the ground , he gets up. He opens his closet and scans the variety of options he had-- He had a black suit and tie , one that’s meant for formal occasions. He could put this up and achieve the ‘ swaggy ‘ or ‘ hot ‘ look , whatever the teens called it --- Dan doesn’t know. Wearing this was _probably_ the right choice , but black was never really his interest nor did it catch his eye too much. _That’s because he’s the damn opposite of black , which is basically just pastel colors or anything’s that’s frickin’ bright and pale._

He sighs and shoves the black suit away from his sight. _That’s crossed out of my options ,_ Dan thinks before rummaging his closet for another outfit. Yes , you _may_ be thinking that ‘ _last year’s prom outfit would work! ‘_ but Dan _literally_ went in casual clothes. He wasn’t aware that he was supposed to wear something so _formal ,_ thanks to his lack of interest in cheesy romantic flicks and books , and you can call him the most oblivious person on earth for that. He didn’t look too bad , though , but compared to _everyone else_ he might have been the worst. _Thank god I didn’t have a date that night , or else I’d be dragging them down with me too._

Still , Dan continued to rummage in his closet in hopes of finding a perfect prom outfit. That wasn’t exactly the easiest thing though , considering the fact that his closet was _basically_ made out of jumpers , sweaters , hoodies and T-Shirts ---- Along with a couple of pants and jeans. _Suits_ aren’t really his thing , he always thought they were ‘ _too hot ‘_ and ‘ _too formal ‘_ thus _uncomfortable._

But he something _did_ catch his eye , though --- It was a pink , pastel suit that was starting to collect dust despite being untouched. He remembered using it for some fancy birthday party or something , and he refused to wear the black fancy suit again so his parents had to go out to find him a new one. They came back with _this_ which Dan turned out to like _(_ except the fact that it was a _goddamn suit ) ._ There was a problem though , he wasn’t sure if it’d still _fit_ him. He wore this thing a year ago or two , he _may_ or _may not_ have grown out of it.

_Eh , it wouldn’t hurt to try now , right?_

He couldn’t help but wonder if Phil would like this. He might chime in with a sassy retort like ‘ _Would it kill you to wear black for once? ‘_ or ‘ _Jeez , pink again? Aren’t you tried of that color yet? ‘_ or at least _something_ remotely close to that. Oh , who knows , this is _Phil_ we’re talking about after all-- Always coming up with the most unexpected phrases and whatnot.

_Hell , would Phil even bother to show up? Will he bail me out just like the last person?_

Dan shook that thought off his head immediately. _Don’t think negative , Phil’s not that type of guy._

Or at least , he _hopes_ he’s not.

-

Prom was probably _the_ most formal party Phil would ever go to. To avoid any risks or drama , the school decided to put up a ‘ _strictly no drinking policy ‘ ._ That equals to a party with no one getting wasted , no one getting _wild_ or reckless-- Basically , there wasn’t any type of ruckus. It was just one , simple night for friends to hang out before they kiss high school goodbye and graduate. Or that’s what he _at least_ thinks.

He doesn’t have a clue when it comes to his outfit. They sent him his grandmother’s stuff a few weeks ago , so Phil decided to snoop around her belongings hoping that he’d find something perfect . Most of her items were mostly antique and vintage anyway , so there’s _bound_ to be a suit here somewhere.

He digs down in one of the boxes and finds a mask . It was covered in a navy blue fabric , outlined with gold dipped plastic and adored with pretty small pearls. Two feathers were placed on the upper left corner , just to make it look a lil more fancier. The prom’s theme wasn’t necessarily masquerade , but no one said that he couldn’t wear _masks._ Not that he was planning to , but it might be useful for later. He throws it behind him like it was some useless object and continues to rummage in the box-- _Nothing else useful._

Another box : It was filled mostly fragile objects , like mirrors and vases and other furniture Phil probably wouldn’t need. Though , hidden beneath all of those objects could be the thing Phil was looking for.

It was practically covered in dust , though , so Phil had to brush it all off whilst trying to avoid inhaling the dust or at least getting it in his eyes. As expected , it was a suit; A little too fancy for his taste. Hell , it _is_ too fancy for his taste. It looked like something actual royal princes would wear in a castle or something , although the overall design was simply _exquisite._ For a prom , he feared that this might be a little bit too extravagant- But fuck it , he doesn’t have anything else. It wouldn’t hurt anyone now , would it?

He wonders if Dan would even like it . Would he find it too excessive? Would it catch everyone’s attention that _they’re_ the center of attention? Dan wouldn’t appreciate that for sure , it’d make the atmosphere between them _excruciatingly_ awkward. Would Dan even enjoy his time with him? He was a _terrible_ dancer , he’d probably have a shitty time!

_Calm yourself , Phil. You and Dan are friends. He wouldn’t mind , stop overreacting._

He heaves out a sigh.

_Hopefully , he wouldn’t. I hope._

_-_

The event started around 9 PM. Most have already arrived at 6 , majority of them were the staff or whatever . Dan showed up at 9:30 and the place was already packed that time.

Dan _had_ to applaud them for the decor , though . If they were trying to achieve a galactic or at least star-liked theme , they did _so well._ The lights were expertly arranged to look like constellations , Dan could recognize at least _Scorpio_ and the ol’ famous _Big Dipper ._ The entire place was filled with various shades of blue , from navy blue to sky blue . There were balloons everywhere , something that looked like plastic crystals that looked like faux stars and all in all just _beautiful._ Dan couldn’t find the exact words to describe it , he was clearly astonished.

“ Oh , Dan! You’re here! “ A voice called out who he recognized to be Louise’s. She was wearing a frilly dress , a mixture of purple and blue that suited her very well. Her hair was tied up and fixed beautifully and her makeup was done expertly , _just as always._ Louise , afterall , was a very pretty lady. “ Welcome! Do you like the design? “

“ You’re looking very pretty today , Louise. “ Dan complimented genuinely. He meant it , of course , no sugarcoating or whatsoever. “ And of course I do! You guys did a _great_ job , I’m actually impressed on how _Seniors_ accomplished this. “

“ Mhm! It took a while , though. Probably an entire day , but it’s worth it anyway! “ The girl chimed in with a big , happy grin. “ And thank you! Your outfit’s really cute , by the way! “

“ Oh , jeez. There’s no need to compliment me just because I complimented you. “ The brunette chuckles. “ I mean it , though. “

“ And I meant mine as well. “ She giggled. She grabbed his hand calmly and lead him to a table nearby. “ Come! Let’s meet the others , I’ve saved us a table and all! “

Dan only follows Louise to wherever she’s taking him. There sat Cat , wearing a pretty beige colored dress that complimented her hair color. It wasn’t too fancy , it was pretty simple but it sparkled the saying ‘ _Simplicity is beauty ‘_ very well. The girl waved at Dan with a huge grin which Dan returned.

Dan promptly sat on his seat and watched people come and go. He couldn’t help but notice how most girls were wearing dresses that were _too_ fancy. Too expensive , extravagant perhaps-- And some of their makeup was _overdone_ and was basically screaming ‘ _I’m going to win prom queen! ‘_. The brunette couldn’t help but shake his head in disappointment . _This is a night to have fun , not a damn beauty contest._

The food area , though , looked like something you’d see in a fancy Paris restaurant. The community did a pretty good job on that , too . They really outdid themselves this year , Dan could already tell that he wasn’t going to regret this night.

“ Where’s your date , Dan? “ Cat asked him calmly. She noticed that he went alone rather than with his date , unlike her and Louise. Their ‘dates’ were too busy hanging out with their group , but it’s not like they mind. They weren’t their dictator , anyway.

Dan’s fingers fumbled worriedly. “ Eh , he’s coming. He’s just late , I think. “ He shouldn’t be worried , right? It was _too_ early. Phil was probably the type who’d be late in parties , who knows . _Heck , he’s rarely late in class , why would he be late in a party?_ Dan gulped , anxious . _Phil wouldn’t set me up now , would he? This isn’t last year all over again. Phil’s a nice person , I know it._ “ He’ll come. Don’t worry about it. “ Dan assured with a grin.

Cat gave him a skeptical look but brushed it off anyway. She didn’t want to bother him too much about it , it’d only made him feel _worse._

Dan spent the rest of the night on _nowhere else_ but that damn seat. He assumed it was probably warm as _hell_ because he has never bothered to stand up or whatever. It was Louise who offered to bring them food so Dan didn’t have to get up or anything. It was already 10:30 and Phil _still_ hasn’t showed up and Dan couldn’t help but feel _extremely_ nervous. Is he not coming?

“ IS there something wrong , Dan? “ Louise asks , nudging him. Dan shakes his head lightly and smiles at Louise , as if to say ‘ _It’s nothing , I’m fine ‘_ even though _no , no it’s not! Phil still isn’t fucking here! If he thinks this is some kind of joke then it’s not hilarious , where in the actual fuck is that asshole anyway? Him being late in class happens once in a blue moon , so would it hurt him to come early in a fucking party?!_

Dan lets out a cool , deep sigh to calm him down. He shouldn’t be frustrated over this , he shouldn’t be gripping his pants in annoyance . He shouldn’t be impatient over such a _shitty_ reason , maybe Phil’s running late because he’s busy with something. He should respect his boundaries and the fact that he’s _fucking_ human. If he doesn’t want to come , then _fine._

_Yet , so much for bringing my hopes up._

Dan glanced over at the couples on the dance floor. His cheek was resting against his palm as he hopelessly looks at them , gaze laced with pure envy. He feels envious , he truly does-- He’s _envious_ on how happy these couples are. He’s envious of that blonde boy who’s lovingly wrapping his arms around the brunette , and she’s smiling; content and satisfied because she’s in the arms of her beloved. Why couldn’t Dan have that? Why was he in love with someone , someone who _doesn’t_ believe in happy endings and true love?

Looking away , he grumbles. _Phil’s been through shit , Dan. You can’t necessarily blame him , shut up._

 _God ,_ even Louise is happy. She’s there , hand in hand with her beloved boyfriend. He looks at her as if he was everything , as if he was the most beautiful thing he’s ever witnessed in the entire world. And she , content and in bliss , looks at him; that expression on her face practically yelling ‘ _I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world to be in the arms of this man ‘_ and god , Dan wishes he could say that. He wishes he could _feel_ that , but no. He felt so unlucky , but _god_ he still craves for his love.

_Idiot._

Regret washes over him soon. He should have stayed home instead , scrolling through Tumblr or YouTube as this stupid event occurs. Nothing’s here for him , anyway , he was a mere extra . It was like a redundant scene in a movie , even without this chapter the book would still make sense. But oh well , instead of being so bitter , Dan should at least be happy for his friends for finding true love. Yes , he himself _does_ want to experience such a lovely thing but there’s no need to be salty about it.

The brunette was practically just fiddling with his spoon and fork right now. He didn’t know what else to do , anyway , he assumes he has to wait over here until the night is finally over.

He lifts his gaze up from the utensils only to see a smiling PJ. He had this cute , dorky smile on his face- A smile that one would usually do when they’ve accomplished something great in life. Dan didn’t know how he’s able to distinguish so without any words coming out from him , but something in his gut told him that he was right.

And in the entrance , there he sees a sight that wrecks him. Well , it’ll wreck Peej even _more._

A girl and a boy walk in together . The boy wore a classical black suit that fit him so well , a rose in his pocket. The girl wore a pretty white dress that kissed the floor ever so softly . They looked like a lovely couple , and they both seemed happy with each other thanks to the smiles painted on their faces.

And much to his dismay , that boy had to be Chris.

And that girl had to be Hazel.

Dan was dumbfounded. Was Hazel the girl Chris was talking about the other day? Was she the person Chris liked ever since , and she liked him back all this time? _But what about PJ?_ He couldn’t help but glance back at him. But he’s smiling. He’s not even sad , he’s _happy_ to see the person he loves happy. And it’s _so fucking bittersweet._

They walk together , yet they don’t hold hands. Their fingers don’t intertwine. Slowly and surely , Chris walks to PJ. He grabs that rose that’s tucked in his pocket for who knows how long and hands it to him. PJ accepts it and holds his hands , and Chris holds his.

Turns out Dan was _wrong._

All this time , PJ’s feelings for Chris was mutual after all.

And that scene alone paints one big , goofy grin on Dan’s face. He’s so happy for them , _oh god ,_ after all this time- They _loved_ each other . They loved each other but were oblivious to the other’s feelings , that or they were afraid of rejection and breaking their friendship but _goodness ,_ look at them now.

On this very night , a lot of happy endings were going to be formed.

_But where’s my happy ending?_

PJ and Chris eventually sit on their little group’s table , and of _course_ they’d sit right next to each other. Peej even scooted the seat closer to Chris and Dan couldn’t help but whisper to himself ‘ _just fucking sit on his lap already , goddamnit ‘_ because they were so _damn_ close that their thighs were touching. Dan wasn’t being salty or anything , he wasn’t bitter about his friend’s love lives but he _was_ envious. There was no point in denying _that._

Soon it was already 11:00 PM and for _god’s sake_ where the _fuck_ is Phil? He doubted that he’d come. There was no point in hoping now , he’ll only _hurt_ himself.

_Fool me once shame on you_

_Fool me twice can't put the blame on you_

_I’m such a fucking idiot._

“ I suggest y’all bring your _lovely_ lover in the dance floor , since the slow dance is about to begin! “ The host announced , his booming voice resonating within the room. Dan pouted , _salty_ about not having a date . _Again. You should win an award for being bailed out by your dates for prom. Both junior and senior ._

“ Do you wanna come , Dan? “ Chris questioned the brunette before standing up. Dan shrugs in response . “ Just go . I’ll be fine over here. “

Chris gives him the same skeptical look Cat gave him. However , just like her , he brushes it off and walks over to the dance floor with PJ. The lights dimmed , leaving only the tiny lights that formed the constellations on. It looked like a _real_ night sky if Dan may comment . _Didn’t notice how fucking huge our auditorium was._

Soon enough , they were playing those shitty cheesy songs you’d hear in the radio. Like _One Direction_ or _Taylor Swift’s_ old tunes- Be it _Mine , You Belong With Me_ and who knows what. It wasn’t certainly fun to sit on your table , with nothing but a glass of punch in front of you as your gaze bores to your friends having _fun. This is literally the worst prom ever._

Dan stands up and walks over near the dance floor. The floor was illuminated so it wasn’t completely dark , the _fake stars_ above weren’t exactly bright. _Well ,_ at least his friends were happy-- Not _everyone_ was completely miserable tonight. That was fine with Dan. He places his hands in his pockets , watching his friends smile and laugh as they dance with their beloveds. _Oh , how lucky they are in love._

Suddenly , in a blink of an eye , everyone stops. The music fell to silence , everyone ceased from whatever they were doing. It was like someone cast a magic spell upon them , a spell that couldn’t be broken easily. Dan’s eyes enlarged as he looked behind , his heart’s pace increasing-- _And only one person could cast that spell. All he needed to do was present his presence to him and voila; his heart knows what to do._

Like moonlight spilling on him , the spotlight was directed at the person responsible for the magic. He was wearing a mask to hide his true identity yet exposes his igniting blue eyes . His hair was pushed back , exempting some strands of navy blue . His outfit was similar to a _real_ prince’s outfit; dancing with the colors black , blue and white.

What was this? A _real life fairytale_ played in reality , yet with a _twist?_

_It was a Wolf in a Prince’s clothing._

Slowly , he ambles over to one person. His ‘ _thumps ‘_ and ‘ _thud’s_ ‘ filling in the cold , shrilling silence the room was filled with. Those blue optics of his were only directed to one pair of eyes , and those eyes glimmered in a shade of cinnamon brown. Slowly and surely , he managed to stand in front of an astonished Dan. His mouth was agape , as if he couldn’t believe what was happening - _Ah shit ,_ scratch that. He really _couldn’t_ believe what was happening.

Thus , he kneels before him; and as if in a fairytale , he uses magic to whip out a majestic blue rose out of his sleeve. He offers it to the other prince with a smirk toying his lips.

“ May I have this _dance?_ “ He questions , words slipping out of his lips oh so eloquently as a gloved hand grabbed his. He plants a kiss atop of it softly before looking at him in the eyes , giving him a teasing wink. “ _... Prince Dan?_ “

There’s blood rushing to his face. He wants to punch him right there and right now , he wants to punch him for making him fall in love with him every day , every hour _, every fucking second_ that it’s starting to hurt. It’s starting to hurt because he knows he can’t be his , but he keeps _falling and falling_ yet he knows he’s never gonna catch him.

“ Oh my god , get up , you _fuckin’_ spork! “

 _Well ,_ that killed the romantic mood.

And he chuckles with a big goofy grin on his face. And that _laughter_ was what Dan craved for , it was so genuine-- So _beautiful. God ,_ why was this freakin’ _Wolf_ crafted by the Gods themselves? He was such a lovely being that everyone dared to taint and _destroy?_

Gradually , the silence around them was starting to fill in , hence the awkwardness between them dies.

“ Thanks for ruining my romantic mood , _idiot._ “ Phil laughed. He could still see these crinkles in his eyes whenever he smiles or laughs , and _god_ it was beautiful. “ Jeez , most people would appreciate it wh-- _OW!_ “

Dan cuts him off by punching him on his chest. It sends a stinging pain to his nerves , causing him to wince. “ The _heck_ was that for?! “

“ You’re _late ,_ you idiot! It’s like 11! What the heck , you could have told me you weren’t coming too early! You got me worried , I thought you weren’t coming at all! “ Dan rambled , tears brimming his eyes. He got him _so fucking_ worried that it wasn’t even a laughing matter anymore. He didn’t care if he pulled out a cheesy stunt like that , he was an _idiot_ for making him think that he wasn’t coming at all. “ You’re such an asshole , Phil! If you’re coming late , at least _tell_ me that you’re coming late! “

“ Woah , woah , _calm down ,_ lil’ dinosaur. “ Phil said with a chuckle , _he’s even laughing at me. What a dick._ He grabs a hold of both of his hands to cease him from the violent acts he’s throwing on him. “ Or _Danosaur._ Haha. Get it , Danosaur? Like dinosaur , but _Dan._ Haha! I’m such a great pun maker. I’m punny , aren’t I? “

Dan’s hands struggle free from his grip , he swats his hands away from him. “ Shut up , you idiot! “ He says as he bit his lip , attempting to hide a chuckle but fails miserably anyway. _Oh , Phil. Even at the worst times , you still manage to make me smile._

Phil’s gloved hands trailed to his face , wiping away the small tears that were starting to trail on his face. “ Hey , I’m sorry , okay? I didn’t intend to be late - Really! But putting on this outfit was _hella_ hard , and my hair wasn’t that easy to fix! Not to mention I- _Uh._ “ He awkwardly leads them both to the dance floor , to a spot that wasn’t too crowded. “ - I was practicing how to , er , _Dance..._ “

Dan snickers. _Oh my god , he’s fucking adorable._ “ Really , Phil? You were practicing how to dance? Where’d ya get your steps , _WikiHow?_ “

“ Oh my god , shut up! I didn’t want this to be awkward , alright? “ Phil laughs. His blue eyes sparkle with genuine joy , and Dan thinks that’s beautiful. Phil’s hand leads Dan’s hand to his shoulder as his hand snakes to his waist , his other hand intertwining with his free hand- And he locks their fingers together. Dan’s fingers were long and slim , _obviously_ a pianist’s- Whilst his were thick , big and bruised- Something worthy for fighting. Yet together , they were a perfect match- As if his hand was made just for him. “ Um , this is- “

“ Yeah , this is how you do it. “ Dan grinned , giggling at his awkward fumbling. Even though Phil was a feared being , he was still _human-_ Capable of making mistakes . They share silence that was comforting and nice as Ed Sheeran songs blast behind them.

 _When your legs don’t work like they used to before_  
_And I can’t sweep you off of your feet_  
_Will you mind still remember the taste of my love_ _  
_ _Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?_

Ah , yes . Literally the _most_ overplayed song by Ed- But who could blame him? The lyrics were uttermost powerful and all in all _beautiful._ Most couples could relate to it , and most love stories would often include it in their playlist.

Dan proceeds to rest his head atop of Phil’s chest. His hand holds his tightly , not daring to let go. He inhales that sweet , sweet scent of his- Because he smells like _Phil_ and _Phil_ smells like _strong cologne_ , _cigarettes and rain._ Phil buries his head in Dan’s hair , breathing in his sweet sweet smell of everything sweet. Be it candy , birthday cake- _Oh ,_ he doesn’t know. He smells like a mix of flowers and everything beautiful in the world.

 _And I’m thinking ‘bout how_ _  
_ _People fall in love in mysterious ways_

 _Maybe it’s just the touch of a hand_  
_Well me I fall in love with you every single day_ _  
_ _And I just want to tell you I am_

“ ... _Dan._ “ Phil whispers , face still buried in his hair.

“ _Yeah , Phil? “_

_“ Let’s get out of here. “_

-

By ‘ _Let’s get out of here ‘_ Phil merely meant that by _‘ I don’t like it here. Let’s go outside instead ‘_ because now here they are , outside of the auditorium where the trees were dancing and bowing down to the wind’s song. The cricket sang their old boring melody as the stars shone down on them.

Yet , they were still in the same position. Hands holding , fingers intertwined and locked; bodies close and hearts beating loudly. No , they need not need any tune or background music to dance; because their heartbeats alone were loud enough . They were dancing to the beat of their hearts , and that was enough.

It was kind of a cheesy moment , really. Slow dancing under the stars as moonlight pours onto you two , the millions of diamonds twinkling and you’re beneath them sharing a cheesy romantic moment-Just like some scenes in those cliche novels of romance. Yet this wasn’t about _those_ books , this was about _their_ book. This was their fairytale and _they_ were the leading role , no one else.

Wasn’t it funny? How they started out as enemies , how they started out as two individuals who deeply despised each other’s existence? And now look at them , foolishly in love with one another. That simply proves how great of an author fate can be , stringing two people together regardless of whatever.

Dan pulls his head away from Phil’s chest. He decides to look at those beautiful eyes Phil has , those eyes that seemed to hold _so many beautiful things._ The phrase ‘ _The eyes are the windows to the soul ‘_ never made so much sense in his life. His eyes were strikingly blue , but with the stars reflecting on it he couldn’t help but think that his eyes held the night sky- No , the _universe._ It was as if his soul was made out of constellations , and that he breathed in stardust , that his existence was just made up of wondrous constellations- A beautiful human being , to be exact. But that beautiful human being happens to be trapped in piercing thorns that harm him , that trapped him from almost everything.

Under the moonlight , Phil loved Dan’s eyes even more. Brown eyes weren’t necessarily beautiful , they were often considered _boring_ despite the fact that majority of us had brown eyes. But Dan’s , _god ,_ Dan’s eyes were different. Under the moonlight , or sunlight even , they weren’t brown eyes anymore. They melt into golden rays that circle an eclipse . They remind him of a sunrise; A start of a brand new day that always symbolized _hope._ And Dan , _Dan’s_ existence itself gave Phil so much hope. Hope to _live -_ Hope to love , hope to _keep fighting on_ because maybe , just _maybe_ there’s more to life than just black and white bullshit. That maybe the world isn’t monochromatic , maybe it’s _colorful-_ And Dan could prove it. He probably could , and he probably would.

“ You have really beautiful eyes , y’know? “ Phil whispered lovingly. Dan’s hand left Phil’s shoulder , crawling up to remove the mask. He could get a better view of Phil’s beautiful face without , they didn’t need it anyway. He took it off and threw it to the side . “ Your eyes remind me of the day. “

“ And your eyes remind me of the night. “ Dan whispered back. Night and day , angel and devil , darkness and brightness , _prince and wolf._ They say opposites fall for each other , and maybe it was true.

Phil’s forehead rests against Dan’s. They’ve never been this close , and _goodness_ did it feel good. Phil’s minty breath fans Dan’s face which sends goosebumps all over his skin. Their lips were centimeters apart , and Dan just wanted to _close_ that space already.

And Phil did , too.

Slowly , Phil leans in forward. Dan could feel his snakebites brush against his lips , and it was cold. It was cold , Phil was cold , but he was warm. Dan would provide him warmth . Dan leans in closer , gradually closing the gap between them.

And then it hit Phil.

_What the fuck are you doing?_

_Are you willing to drag this beautiful flower down with you? He’s not worth your time. You don’t deserve him. Are you going to be a selfish prick and drag him down because you need him? Oh , Philip. How pathetic could you possibly be?_

Phil pulls away.

“ _I’m sorry._ “ He whispers , and tears prickle from those beautiful eyes.

The clock strikes twelve; Alas , it’s midnight _!_

And Philip runs away , like a runaway prince; Leaving a dumbfounded and clueless Dan.

He was like Cinderella.

But this time , his identity was no mystery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
> **  
> [here’s some art for this chappy](http://papyrus.co.vu/post/145507909877/woah-woah-calm-down-lil-dinosaur-phil)  
>   
> 
> this could have been better but it's 4 am and i am DEAD  
> also for ref for phil's outfit (kinda) just google ' cantarella outfit' bc i based it off that lol
> 
> so long and goodnight


	28. why storms are named after people

 

**27**

' _You're an idiot for running away. '_

You think that's what the voice in his head was saying , but _no._

It wasn't the best idea; To be sprawled all over your bed , still in an uncomfortable suit as Twenty One Pilot's _Car Radio_ plays in the background as the clock ticks on. It was twelve midnight , and Phil Lester's heart was beating loudly in anxiety. He felt like it was going to _explode_ in any moment now.

' _You're an idiot for falling in love with him in the first place._

_You selfish prick. You think he's in love with you? No. He's not. He only pities you , like everyone else. How can someone possibly be in love with you? You're useless , you're pathetic , you're a fucking mess. Someone as perfect as him couldn't possibly want you , get your facts straight. Whatever he's saying is probably temporary- Don't get your hopes up , stupid boy. '_

_Shut up , shut up , shut up._

It hurts. To stay up late at night , your eyes gazing up at nothing but a black , dark wall. And thoughts start streaming your mind like an ocean , invading it like a hurricane. It starts to eat every single positive thought and _ruin_ you. It destroys you , cripples you and removes every bandage that hides your soul's wounds.

 _That_ fucking boy ruins him so much and yet he doesn't know why. He hasn't hurt him verbally nor physically purposely , but somehow he _is._ By merely existing , he managed to make Philip Michael Lester an entire _mess._

_And now he knows why storms were named after people._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shortest chapter ever lol
> 
> could have been longer but my mind's throbbing idk why and im shaking lmao  
> im starting to read this fic to proofread it :-) i did one time but i deleted thE COPY BY ACCIDENT FUCk


	29. where are you ( & i'm so sorry )

 

**28** ****

**TW : Slurs? I guess + Violence , mentions of blood** ****

_I’m done._

Dan Howell has had _enough_ of Phil Lester. He doesn’t give a shit anymore , he’s given up _so much_ for that one boy and this is all he gets in return? _Bullshit._ Fighting for Phil was basically similar to chasing for _nothing at all-- Pointless._ He wasn’t going to get anything in the end , Phil’s clearly established that-- So what’s the point?

_“ I’ll never leave you , Phil. “ He once promised to him , his voice full of sincerity . He was true to his word; It was a promise , a vow that was never meant to be broken._

_Fucking cut it , then._

Call him a liar; A promise breaker , whatever you wish. But he was officially giving up on one boy and nothing could change that. Last night was his _last straw ._ Was that some kind of gimmick? Some kind of _test_? He brought his hopes up only to crash it at the very end , crashing his promise to help him as well. And you know _what?_ This is the last time. He isn’t going to go back , what’s said is said.

Maybe Greg was right. Some people _didn’t_ want to be helped and those people should be left that way. He shouldn’t be wasting his time on Phil , he had _so much_ better shit to do. He’ll graduate and he’ll leave this hellhole , leaving all his feelings and memories of Phil as well. He’ll abandon each and every moment he cherished with him and let it be covered in dust till it rots.

Because he fell in love with a boy who couldn’t learn to love himself ,

So he chose to let go.

-

If there was any phrase that could perfectly describe Dan right now , it’d be ‘ _He woke up at the wrong side of the bed today ‘_ , all thanks to his grumpy demeanor and endless grunts that slip out of his lips. He didn’t even greet his parents ‘ good morning ‘ with a big grin on his face , like he usually does. His parents were concerned about his sudden change of attitude , but they decided not to question it. _Let teenagers be teenagers._

He even managed to carry the grumpy act up to school. Everyone practically greeted him , waving at him with smiles on their faces but Dan would only respond with a grumble and a scowl; causing everyone else to take a step back. He didn’t even seem affected by their reactions , for he continued on walking- _Stomping ,_ most likely- towards his locker.

PJ noticed this. He already knew it as soon as he saw Dan storm into the hallways , angrily stomping his feet on the floor as he practically snobs everyone else. Whoever this was , it _wasn’t Dan._ Dan was sweet and kind , happy and enthusiastic- Not cold , angrily and snobbish. This was a person built by his own frustration , stress and depression . And whoever this person was , _he needed to go._

“ Dan , is something up? “ The chestnut haired boy asked , hesitantly clumping over to the brunette. He was grabbing his books from the locker in a harsh fashion , as if he was excruciatingly _frustrated_ about something and maybe he is. “ Yes , I’m fine. “ Dan spat out coldly , his voice thick and sharp; whereas the _real_ Dan would reply softly and calmly.

“ You don’t- Seem like it , frankly. “ PJ pointed out . He was getting _slightly_ scared about _this_ Dan , he hasn’t seen this one before. They’ve been friends for like- _what?_ 5 years?- and never has he done _this._ “ Are you really okay? “ Dan continued to ignore him. PJ felt like it was wrong , but part of his gut told him to go on and poke around him anyway. “ And where’s Phil? Didn’t you two have a _great_ night , why aren’t you with Ph- “

“ I said I’m _fine ,_ PJ! “ Dan seethed out coldly , slamming his locker shut so _loudly_ that it resonates throughout the entire room and grabs everyone’s attention. The _last_ thing Dan ever wanted to hear was _his_ name. “ And I don’t give a _shit_ about Phil! Can you please not mention him?! Isn’t it obvious that I’m not in a very good mood? “

The whole hallway’s noise drained into faint murmurs. Dan was brought back to reality as soon as his gaze meets PJ’s hurt , startled face. He felt remorse wash over him like an ocean wave , the fact that this was _his_ fault made him feel _horrible. What the fuck was he doing?_ It was like he was _becoming_ Phil . _Cold. Distant. Snobbish._ Oh , the things that love could do to you. That boy was _truly_ a menace to his life-- It’d be the best if he got rid of him.

_Cue My Chemical Romance’s ‘ I’m Not Okay ( Trust Me ) ‘_

“ P-Peej , I-I’m sorry. “ Dan mumbled apologetically , attempting to string the right words together to find the correct response. “ I- I’m , just-- _Leave_ me alone , okay? “

And with that being said , he ran away; far from PJ and everyone else’s sight.

Truthfully , PJ wasn’t hurt by Dan’s words. He was just a bit surprised , that’s all. But coming from his voice , his tone and his words- He _knew_ that he wasn’t looking at the real Dan.

Because Dan isn’t mean.

Dan isn’t cold.

Dan isn’t distant , nor is he snobbish.

But most importantly ,

Dan wouldn’t _dare_ say he doesn’t give a shit about Phil.

-

Classes were frankly _hell._ Because the entire day , crippling anxiety was crawling beneath Dan’s skin. He felt like something was _missing ,_ like something was off-- There was a missing piece that was supposed to be in that one hole . The brunette couldn’t exactly figure out what it was , so he decided to endure whatever he was feeling and ignore it for the rest of the day. _Which_ turned out to be a pretty shitty idea.

Eventually , when Science came by , it _finally_ struck him!

He turns to the side of his window with a big , goofy grin plastered on his face. His hand was positioned and ready , thus it started to do small little waves-- But as soon as Dan’s cinnamon optics turned to the window and was greeted by an empty wall , he _realized_ what an idiot he was. _Hey , you hate him , don’t you? Why would you greet him in the first place?_

That grouchy side of his started to replace him again as he turned back to the teacher’s gaze. They were teaching about _something ,_ to get ready for finals and shit- Dan couldn’t care less. Then his eyes nonchalantly crawled back to the empty space outside , there was nothing but a used cigarette laying on the ground where the punk used to stand. Instead of anger and frustration , _anxiety_ started to crawl up his body. _What happened to him? Is he okay? Is he sick? Why is he absent? He was perfectly fine that night , why did he have to stay home to-_

A mental slap is what he gave himself.

_Stupid , you don’t care about him ._

_Right. I don’t care about him._

He’s clearly established that in his head , to himself .

Dainty , pianist-like fingers crumple his notebook’s paper as thoughts that oppose to his statement penetrate within his mind.

_Yet no matter how many times he denies it , he knows that he’s lying to no one but himself._

-

Seconds , minutes , _hours_ have passed and there was still no sign of Phil _anywhere._ Dan tried his very best to act like he didn’t care at all , and somehow it did seem to work since nobody questioned him about Phil or whatsoever. _Yet ,_ even though he denies about Phil- It still wouldn’t change the fact that there was this void in his heart where Phil used to be.

The school day ended , and everyone was starting to pile out of the hallway. Phil _didn’t_ even bother to show up , not even once. He wasn’t in the park , the cafeteria , music room or _anywhere_ in the school grounds. Crippling anxiety started to bash in his skull , a variety of negative thoughts clouding his mind; daring to drown everything that was positive. Thoughts and questions like ‘ _Maybe he’s sick? What if he doesn’t wanna come to school anymore? Did he move somewhere else , far away from me?_

_..._

_... Is he dead? ‘_

_No. Impossible._

But that selfish and stubborn _prick_ inside Dan was the one that made him mumble out a coherent sentence.

“ _Jerk didn’t even come to school today to apologize. What an asshole. “_

But wasn’t it funny? How he was complaining about these useless , stupid shit about Phil- He _still_ continues to seek for him. It was like he hates him so much , but he still fucking _loves_ him. He was like a drug , something he desperately needed to stop taking but _god ,_ he was just so addicting. Dan didn’t know what to do , he just _needed_ to see him now.

_Great. And you’re gonna get yourself hurt again now , huh Dan? And then you’ll bitch about it and whine like the baby you are. You really are confusing , aren’t you?_ _  
_

“ Oh , look who we have _here._ It’s the school’s main _slut ,_ Dan Howell. “ A familiar voice cackled , phrases laced with venom and clear hatred. Dan’s head turned behind him only to see a familiar face. A face who holds the name _Nathan._ He was with a friend , he didn’t know his name though.

“ _Nathan... “_ He mutters under his breath , voice coated with utter hatred and despise. He never really liked Nathan , and he could feel that the feeling was mutual . He was plain rude and possessive , he was probably _worse_ than Phil-- The _old_ Phil , I mean. “ I don’t wanna deal with you or anything. Leave me alon- “

Strong , thick fingers grab a hold of the boy’s dainty chin. He shoved it upwards , forcing his brown eyes to meet his green ones. He cold clearly see the fury blazing within those green orbs-- _What the heck does he want this time?_ _  
_

“ I see you’re not with your _boyfriend_ Lester. “ He smirked , chuckling ominously. Dan’s heart started to part , anxious to what may come. Still , he didn’t want to go down without a fight; so the tough expression on his visage didn’t dare to falter for one bit.

“ He’s not my boyfriend , idiot. “ He spat out coldly , shoving his hand away from his chin. He would have ran away by now , but Nathan was _too strong_ compared to him. For his hand grabbed him by the neck , tightening his grip around his windpipe. Tears started to emerge from Dan’s eyes but the brunette managed to cease them.

“ Don’t _talk back to me ,_ so-called- _Prince._ “ The blonde seethed out , scowling at him as he tightened the grip even _more._ He could practically choke and die right there and now , but Dan was strong. He could do this-- _I can do this , I can do this--_

_..._

_..._

_... Phil?_

_I can’t do this._

_Where are you , Phil? I can’t do this without you. I can’t fucking live without you. You’re like oxygen to me , I don’t- I don’t know how to survive without you . So please , save me- As pathetic as I am right now , I need you so bad... Phil... Phil!_

“ Aww , is the little prince gonna _cry_ now?! “ The blonde teased with a smirk , finally letting his neck go and giving him access to breath. Dan inhaled a whole lot of air , catching his breath. “ ‘M glad that we’re graduating soon. That means you’re officially _out_ of my way , Howell-- You and your pathetic ass seeking for attention. Why don’t you stop , huh? You’re _literally_ the reason why my girl isn’t loyal to me. “

Dan glared at him , hands on his neck as he rubbed it. “ Maybe the reason why she isn’t loyal to you is because you have _dick_ for a personality rather than a fucking _genital._ “ He spat out , voice slightly hoarse thanks to his lack of air not-so-long ago.

And suddenly ,

_Whack!_

He could feel a stinging pain ache on his nose as blood started to drip. Dan’s eyes widened at the sight , it surprised. _No one_ has ever hurt him like this- And it _hurt._ He hated blood , be it his own or others-- But _god ,_ it hurt. Yet what hurt more was his hopes being crashed , he was _hoping_ that Phil was going to come and save him but _no._ Why was he so selfish? Why does he think that Phil will _always_ be there for him? Why can’t _he_ be there for Phil rather than the other way around?

“ Don’t you fucking _sass_ me , Howell. If there’s _anyone_ who isn’t successful in achieving a proper love life between the two of us , it’s _you._ Chicks only dig your looks , hah. Don’t really care bout your personality or whatever. “ Nathan snorted , and with that being said; he left.

Dan slumped against the cold , stone wall that stood behind him. He sat on the cold , tiled floor as he grabbed his knees and whispered all the sweet nothings he wished Phil could whisper to him. _You’re safe , I’m here , I’ll get him later , I’ll protect you..._

_...I love you._

_As if he’ll ever say that._

‘ _Don’t cry , Dan , don’t cry._ ‘ He whispered to himself repeatedly , he didn’t want to cry _this year._ But god , it was inevitable- For those tears started to fall down to the ground as he cried and cried and cried. He sobbed for who knows how long , his muffled crying echoing throughout the empty hallway.

_You’re not gonna accomplish anything if you’re simply going to wallow in self pity , Dan._

He didn’t want to deal with this. So he got up , not caring about the pain that was throbbing in his heart and ran outside to whoever the _fuck_ knows. He just wanted to lock himself in his room and cry for hours. Away from everyone. Away from anything. Away from this cruel , wretched world.

_Away from Phil,_

_The boy I used to fucking love--_

_Or perhaps the boy I’m still madly in love with._

In the midst of his running , he collides with another figure- Yes , the cliche scene of course. They both stumble down to the groumd- Or that’s what Dan at least thinks.

“ Would you mind watching your wa- “

_Pretty girl with the butterscotch hair._

“ Dan?! “ Hazel gasps , instantly grabbing him by the arm and lifting him up. He didn’t expect to see _her_ today , it was a miraculous coincidence. She had a concerned look painted on her face as her sparkling blue eyes met Dan’s gaze. “ Are you alright?! Why is your nose bloody , who hurt you- “

Dan didn’t know what else to say. He only buries his face in Hazel’s chest as he continues to sob even more. He and Hazel weren’t exactly close , but they were _friends-_ Acquaintances , maybe . He desperately needed someone to comfort him right now , and it seems like only Hazel can comfort him.

“ I-I’m sorry sorry , Hazel , but I’m so- So _tired..._ “ He mumbled , choking on his own sobs as he cried even more. “ I just- I just don’t get it. I only tried to love him , that’s all-- But why ? Why do I get this in return? Why do I get nothing but pain , nothing but feelings _that_ hurt me- Pierce right into my skin and heart , and he just- He keeps _leaving._ I’ve tried everything , Hazel! Why-- Why can’t he--- Why can’t he just _love me back_? “

Hazel , a surprised look painted upon her pretty face , had her eyes widened a fraction at Dan’s words. As they registered , she couldn’t help but recall Phil’s words as well. A small smile is illustrated on her lips as she sighs almost hopelessly , a hand running over to Dan’s hair.

“ Oh , Dan. “ She says . “ You’re just as oblivious as he is. “

-

It seemed pretty far-fetched to him , honestly.

The girl he used to envy was now sitting right beside. On a pavement in London. With ice cream in both of their hands.

“ So. “ Hazel started , taking one big lick off her ice cream. “ You’re in love with Philip , aren’t you? “

Dan’s ice cream was practically melting now , but he couldn’t seem to care less. All he cared about was this little talk he was having with Hazel , he didn’t need some sweet to cheer him up. “ Y-Yeah , I guess. “ He sniffed . His cheeks were practically dry with tears.

“ And you think he doesn’t feel the same way , hence why he keeps running away from you? “ She said , taking another lick. “ You think he’s running away because he finds your feelings weird and doesn’t want to deal with them. You think he’s running away because he feels uncomfortable around you whenever you try to ensue a romantic relationship between you two? You think he’s running away because he doesn’t _like_ you? “

Was Hazel some kind of relationship guru or something? Because _god ,_ she was good at this kind of stuff. “ B-Basically... “ Dan stuttered , feeling miserable that _everything_ she said was practically true. _God , he feels like a hopeless romantic. Somebody slap this boy , tell him to wake the fuck up- He isn’t going to love him back , isn’t he?_ _  
_

Then , he heard a chuckle slip out from Hazel. A chuckle as if to say , ‘ _god , you two are so pathetic. ‘_

“ Jesus Christ , you’re both idiots. “ Hazel muttered , a series of giggles escaping her lips. “ Such a perfect pair. “

Dan’s eyebrows raised in confusion. He didn’t know what the _hell_ Hazel was talking about , or what was so funny about his love life-- Well , _he_ was playing a pretty pathetic role if you ask me , so maybe _that’s_ what she was laughing about. “ Excuse me? “

“ No , I’m sorry. I mean- Can’t you see it , Dan? Isn’t it obvious? “ She says , placing the empty cup that was filled with ice cream to the side. Her blue eyes faced his , it sparkled with joy as she smiled; those little crinkles forming underneath her eyes. “ Phil loves you , Dan. “

The oh so cliche saying ‘ _my heart skipped a bea_ t ‘ never made so much sense in Dan’s life.

She couldn’t be serious now , could she? Maybe she was making this up just to cheer him up. Maybe she was spitting out nothing but lies just so Dan could smile , then again have his hopes up just so they could get crushed.

“ You can’t be serious... “ The brunette muttered , shaking his head. He tore his gaze away from her , sighing hopelessly. _Phil can’t love me , Hazel. I think we’ve established that._ “ He- He doesn’t. “

“ Oh , hell yeah he does. “ She giggles , like a fangirl getting all hyped about her OTP nearly becoming canon. “ Don’t you see? The way he looks at you , he looks at you as if you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid his eyes on. He looks at you as if you’re something he’s never seen before , and he absolutely _loves_ that sight. He enjoys hearing your laughter because it sounds like wind chimes to his ears , he loves to see your smile because it’s brighter than all the stars and the sun combined. He cherishes your mere existence because to him , you’re one beautiful flower , Dan. “ She says , sighing. “ There’s just-- _Something_ that’s like a brick wall; blocking you away from him. There’s something that’s stopping him from loving you because he’s afraid. “

“ Hazel , please. Enough with the lies. “ Dan muttered. Whether her words were true or not , he felt like he was going to cry. _Was he seriously that oblivious?_ Goodness gracious , he didn’t know what to do- Was Phil _really_ in love with him all this time? Were their _mutual?_

“ Remember that creepy dude that gave you a Totoro plushie? “ Hazel added , a cheeky grin on her face. “ M.L , right? Haven’t you thought about it- _Michael Lester?_ And that silly little poem that he wrote , he did it as a joke- But _wow ,_ he’s fallen for you all right. “

He was literally in awe. He didn’t know what else to say.

_No wonder he got so mad whenever I brought that topic up._

“ Like I said , there’s just _something_ that’s keeping him away from you. Like chains , or maybe thorns. And he just needs to be set _free_ so you two could have your happily ever after , just like every fairy tale in existence! “ She said. “ But only _you_ could do that , Dan. And this ‘ thing ‘ that’s keeping you way out of his reach? That’s _his_ story to tell , not mine. Haha , never even heard of it , really. But I can assume it’ll explain why he’s so stubborn sometimes , I dunno. “ She pats him hard on the back , making the poor brunette jolt upwards in surprise. “ Whatever it is , it’s pretty fucked up. But go for him , Dan. Phil’s a really great catch- You’re a lucky guy , y’know? “

He grumbled , burying his face in his knees once again. “ I don’t even know where he is... “

Standing up from her position , Hazel smiles brightly at Dan. _Jeez ,_ if angels were really sent down to earth , _Hazel_ was practically one of them. Thanks to her charming personality and good looks , not to mention her bursting enthusiasm and positive vibes.

“ You know where it is , Dan. “ She winked. “ You know Phil Lester better than all of us do. Go to him , he’s waiting. “

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL this could have been written even better but GOODD it's 2 AM SLAY MEE but i'm feeling a WHOLE lot better dw!!
> 
> also this fic is such a bitch to proofread can u believe im still in chapter 5 in my phone?? omg this fic is literally like 300+ pages in my phone i didnt realize how LONG it was
> 
> anyways i hope u like lol. i love hazel


	30. climax to the story that gives angels & demons purpose

 

**29** ****

**TW :** _** MENTIONS ** _ **OF : Murder-suicide , blood , death , cheating/affairs , (domestic) abuse , violence, heavy depression , pedophilia , noncon/rape , homophobia & homophobic slurs.** ****

Cue vigorous panting as Dan ran over to who knows where Phil went. He was no longer in denial; He couldn’t live without Phil , and no matter how many times he’d deny it , he was still _deeply_ in love with him. No matter how many times he’d try to ignore him , forget about him , he was still the only being who was capable of making his heart throb like a drum.

There was sweat prickling in his temples , running down his neck and forehead. He didn’t know if he possessed enough endurance to continue on , but he knew that he could manage. _For Phil._

Because wasn’t this his goal in the first place? To save Phil , to paint a genuine smile on his face? To _finally_ make him _happy ,_ to free him from the poisonous thorns that continue to hurt him deeply? It was. And he’s got puzzle pieces , but not all of it- But he wasn’t about to give up just like that. He wasn’t going to give up whatever was going on between them. He didn't continue to fight up until now just to give up now , didn't he?

So kept on running , frantically finding for a tall boy with tattoos adorning his arms and piercings on his nose and lips. He could feel his damn flower crown falling , but he didn’t care about his self- All he could think of right now was _Phil , Phil_ and _Phil._ He wasn’t fighting for himself. He wasn’t fighting because he wanted to be happy , and he saw himself ‘ _happy ‘_ when he was him--

He was fighting because he was _Phil_ to be happy. He didn’t care about himself.

Alas , he’s reached a familiar cliff. The sky was a mix of apricot and pink , clouds painted across to embellish the beautiful afternoon sky. The sun was gradually beginning to kiss the horizon , the view was a perfect sunset. Beneath the sky stood a lonely , black haired boy who sat at the very edge of the cliff.

Dan continued to pant. All that running surely tired him , but he knew it was going to be worth it after all. He was exhausted , that’s for sure , and the sweat that coated his skin was enough evidence for that statement.

“ Phil! “ He called out , like a child who’s been separated from their mother for a long time and was relieved that they’ve once again united. The punk’s head sharply turned to look behind , only to be greeted by a tired , panting Dan Howell. His heart skipped a beat , eyes widening a fraction.

“ What are you _doing_ here , Dan? “ Phil said , approaching the brunette a little bit closer. Although his voice was monotone as if he was neutral about the situation. Yet deep down inside , he was a mixture of emotions. He was _angry_ that Dan suddenly came up to him , because _he_ was the only person he was trying to avoid today- And yet , _ironically ,_ he was the only person he’s come across with. He couldn’t help but laugh about it , either . Because when he was least expecting it , he pops up out of nowhere. When he’s thinking about him , too , he was _always_ there. That boy was like a _fucking_ mushroom , it was hilarious.

Dan didn’t want to answer any of Phil’s question. Today , he wanted _his_ questions to be answered. “ What are _you_ doing here , Phil? “ He said , completely ignoring his inquiry. He stepped forward , a little closer towards the other .

Phil didn’t reply. He kept his mouth shut , unwilling to answer his question. ‘ _Avoiding you ‘_ was what he wanted to say , but he knew that _that_ was only going to make Dan even more upset.

His facade slowly started to crumble into pieces. His face was no longer a monotone , neutral expression; it descended off to a somber look but slowly reverted back to a cold look after. “ ... I want to be alone , Dan. “

“ I am _not_ leaving you alone again , I’ve had enough of this bullcrap , Phil! “ Dan spat out , words thick with vigor and anger. He didn’t want to keep up with Phil hiding all this shit from him ,he just wanted _answers_ already. “ I’m not letting you push me away again like before. Why can’t you just talk to me?! “

“ Just- Leave me alone , okay? “ Phil couldn’t find the exact words to argue with. He just wanted Dan to _go away_ already , he didn’t want him here. He didn’t _deserve_ to be here. Hell , he didn’t even deserve to be anywhere _near him._ “ Go away. Forget about me while you’re at it. Act like you’ve never even met me in the first place. “

“ Are you saying whatever we went through was fucking _nothing?_ That our friendship , the memories we’ve shared , all the good times were _nothing_ at all to you?! “ He cried out , fingers balling into his fist. “ You say that as if it’s easy , Phil! To me , those meant a _lot._ They weren’t just something , you _heartless_ idiot. What about last night? You think _that_ was fucking nothing? You come up late , making me anxious that I’m gonna be alone again , then come up all fancy and do some shitty gimmick that makes everyone swoon especially _me?_ Are you doing all of that just to _hurt me?_ You’re a fucking sadist , Lester. “

“ I was an idiot last night. Forget all about that , I didn’t know what I was doing. “ He could feel himself cracking. _Goodness , Howell.You really know how to get into my vulnerable side , huh?_ “ That was nothing. Please , Dan- Just... Just leave me alone. “

“ Nothing , huh?! The way you leaned in till our lips _nearly_ fucking touched , that was nothing to you? What do you think I am to you , Phil? Am I just one of those girls you chose to play with? Where you’ll break my heart for fun because what , you’re _fucking_ bored and I’m nothing to you but a source of entertainment?! “ He lashed out , each and every word hitting the other. “ What do you really want , Phil? What’s keeping you away from me? Why can’t we just- Why can’t you just _settle_ for something?! “

“ We-- We can’t be together , Dan. “ Phil sniffed out , pushing him away ever so slightly. Tears were starting to spring out from his eyes and _fuck ,_ Phil wasn’t a crier. He never cried because of a girl , never cried because of _anyone_ who spat out hurtful words at him but _jesus ,_ look at him. He was crying over a _fucking_ boy. This boy who was capable of playing with his emotions like toys . “ We just _can’t._ “

Biting his lip , Dan’s cinnamon eyes bore into his crystal ones.

“ Why not? “

“ Because _you’re_ a Prince , and I’m a _Wolf._ “

“ Fuck that! “ He spat out. “ If that’s your mere , shitty excuse , then _fuck_ it. I don’t give a fuck on how they view us , it doesn’t matter! “

“ You don’t _fucking_ understand , Dan! If you think you still have feelings for me , you need to erase them this instant! “ Phil coldly said , avoiding any eye contact with him. “ _Stop_ confusing infatuation for pity , it’s not going to help you or me. Whatever you’re feeling for me , it’s only made out of pity because I’m a poor excuse for a human being. Call me stubborn , but I’m only doing this because I don’t want neither of us _hurt_ in the end. “

“ Pity? You think I only _fucking_ pity you?! And even if I did , why can’t you just accept it?! Why can’t you just accept kindness ? Why can’t you get it in that thick head of yours that I just want to help you?! “ He cried out. He didn’t want to fight with Phil , he didn’t. But Phil was _so_ frustrating to deal with. The unnecessary tension that ensues between them was getting so tiring , and if Phil doesn’t give up on the act , he didn’t even know what was going to happen in the end. He didn’t even know why was he coping up with him the first place.

It was like all of this was pointless.

And maybe , just maybe , it _is._

So why was he even trying?

Then Phil lets out a laugh. A laugh as if whatever he was looking at was _pathetic._ “ Why are you even here , Dan? Haven’t you woke up one day and decided that you’re already tired of me ? Because god , if I wasn’t an idiot like you , I’d be tired of me , too. “

“ But , Ph- “

“ Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone , won’t you? “ He muttered , fingers running through ebony black strands; pulling them in frustration. He could feel a heavy lump in his throat , making him want to _cry_. It took every muscle in his body to refrain himself from doing so , and believe me; It _wasn’t_ easy. “ I’m better off alone. Better yet , _dead._ “

Phil lumbered over to the cliff , throwing himself on the very edge. He ran his hands down his face , groaning. He’s had enough of letting out his feelings , he didn’t want to deal with this anymore. He just wanted to be left alone-- He just wanted Dan _out_ of his life. If there was anything he wanted last , it was to drag Dan in this hell he called _his life._ Dan was an angel , that was clear- And you wouldn’t find an angel in _hell_ now , wouldn’t you?

Dan felt like he was in some game. He was left with two choices , and both of those choices had major impacts in his life.

He could sit beside Phil , continue to talk to him and accept his fate. He didn’t know what would happen next. And it scared him , he didn’t know the consequences of _that_ choice , _but..._

The other option , he could just leave. He could leave Phil and forget about him , erase every single trace of his existence in his mind. He’d forget who he was , everything that they’d share , he’d delete everything that they’ve been through as if it was nothing. He’d move on to someone else , hopefully get married and live on a life without struggle. Although there was _one_ consequence that he had to face; _Regret._ He’d have to carry regret in his shoulders , knowing that he didn’t even try to talk to his _first love._ That he fought so much and that it was all for _nothing._

_..._

_Fuck it._

Nimble steps were taken as Dan walked over to Phil. His sneakers creating a _scrunch_ sound whenever he stepped closer to Phil. He sat down next to him , cinnamon brown eyes filled with sympathy looking at him.

The afternoon breeze brushed off their cheeks. The soft rustling of the grass and the bushes filled the air , along with the chirping of the birds. Phil didn’t need to look at Dan , he already _knew_ he was looking at him. His mask was fully cracked , fully exposing his vulnerable side. There was no point in hiding it anymore. He’s never told anyone this , be it his grandma or Hazel. He didn’t need hide it anymore. He needed to _let it all out._

“ I just...I don’t get it , Dan. “ He mumbled , face buried in his hands. “ I don’t get why happiness was so hard to achieve. I wasn’t _always_ like this , y’know? Whenever I see you , I can’t help but think of myself when I was far more younger. When I was naive , oblivious , innocent... _Happy._ “

“ I could still vaguely remember it. When I was just 4 years old , and how my mother told me that the world was a beautiful , colorful place. Being the oblivious , innocent child I was- I believed her. My mother was a nice person , she really was. She was always happy and smiling , she always fed me and my brother and always made sure we were happy and healthy. I loved my mother. Dad , however , I didn’t know how to feel about him. He was always gone , he only came home when he needed food or support-- But my mother didn’t seem to mind. Whenever we would go out as a family , though , dad would always look at another woman-- He’d eye them with this... _Disgusting_ expression on his face. Mom wouldn’t do anything about it. She’d only scowl at dad. And whenever Dad was talking to another woman , mom would look at them with envy plastered all over her face. It was safe to say that my mom was a really possessive person. “

“ My brother was also a really kind person. He thought me a lot of stuff , like how to play the drums and how to catch fireflies. He’d teach me the piano sometimes , protect me from the bullies and all in all just make me happy. I was a happy kid back then , Dan . I thought it would last forever but-- _I was wrong._ “

“ My brother died when I was 5 years old. It was some disease in his heart- I couldn’t bear to remember what it was called , because whatever it was; I hated it. His funeral was the worst thing. I felt like everything around me started to lose color , slowly draining off to a monochromatic color. I vowed to never visit any funerals _ever_ again. It was so pointless to me , I didn’t see how we should all gather up to see another person get buried 6 feet under the ground. I became pretty silent after that , and all I had was my mother to comfort me. I thought that _that_ was the end of it , but no-- I was wrong. “

“ I was stupid back then. I wish I wasn’t an idiot , but _god_ I was-- Even up until now. Every night , I’d always hear dad in our room--- _Moaning._ With another woman , actually. This would happen every night when mom was out. If I wasn’t an idiot , I could have told her-- I _should_ have told her and maybe they’d only talk it off but _god ,_ I didn’t. I was such a _fucking_ idiot , you know? All I could do was sleep and act as if nothing was happening. I didn’t want to get involved in _any_ mess and I was so freaking selfish. “

“ And then that night came. I was suddenly woke up by a feeling in my gut , I didn’t know why but I just did. I _swore_ I heard a scream , a woman’s scream but I didn’t know who’s scream that was. Our entire house was filled with the ticking of the grandfather clock in the living room. That time , I found it funny-- How it was called the _living_ room . Because when I walked down there , I was behold with two corpses lying on the ground . Blood was splattered all around; my dad’s face and the woman’s. Their clothes , too -- And _mom_ was there. She had a knife in her hands-- And-- _It was_ stained with blood. So was her hands , her face , _everything_ but she wasn’t dead. She was very much alive , and there was this _look_ on this face that you’d describe as what--- _Maniacal?_ I didn’t know. “

“ I was stiffened. Paralyzed. I covered my mouth to refrain myself from screaming as I took steps backward , _away_ from my mother who was walking towards me. The only woman that I loved very much with all of my heart , the _woman_ that told me that the world was full of colors and all those happy crap. She approached me , knife in her hand as she whispered things that haunt me up until now. ‘ _Philip ‘_ she’d say. ‘ _Why didn’t you tell me? ‘_ And her voice was honeyed , coated with sweetness that was apparently _too sweet._ I didn’t answer. I kept only taking steps backwards til I finally hit the wall. Tears started to emerge from my eyes as I was quivering in fear- I was _so_ fucking scared. That was probably the most terrifying moment in my life. But at the same time , I didn’t care if she’d just kill me there. And sometimes , at night , I wished she did. If she did , I wouldn’t have to continue on suffering in this shitty world. ”

“ ‘ _Philly , dear ._ ‘ She called out my name one last time. ‘ _Why didn’t you tell mommy? ‘ ._ And then she started to cackle like a witch. I didn’t believe for once that this woman was my mother , but _god_ it was. The world was just too cruel to transform my very own beloved mother into -- Into _that_ monster. The woman who baked me cookies , the woman who tucked me into bed , the woman who _loved_ me-- Told me the world was a beautiful place . “

“ After that , she trailed the knife down her neck-- And the knife _kissed_ her throat. Blood spilled out _everywhere ,_ in her clothes;hands; face , _my_ face. Everywhere. I was only 5 years old , Dan. I was only 5 and yet I witnessed such _horrible_ things. I could have cried for help , I could have stopped her but _no._ I was such a fucking idiot , letting all my fears stop me thus making me do selfish acts in where _I_ would be the only one safe. My whole family died when I was 5 , and I didn’t know if it could get any worse than that. I was paralyzed then , _completely._ I was frozen like a cold block of ice. I didn’t know what to do. “

“ The sound of the sirens pierced the air after . The police came in and- I didn’t know what they did. I probably fainted because everything was black after that. All I know was that the next day , I was in a house where there were other kids. I was in an orphanage , someone said. “

“ I didn’t interact with anyone else. I was the ‘ weirdo ‘ according to them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone despite what I’ve been through. They also had free education over there , and I was always the quiet one who’d only pipe in if I knew the answers. I was OK with studies , I wasn’t an all A nor a fail student. I was always the only one who was up at night time. I kept having nightmares , thus I always had breakdowns and everyone tried to calm me down. I bet even the goddamn orphanage was sick of my ass , always crying. I was such a crybaby when I was a kid , Dan. It was hilarious , even _you’d_ laugh at me. “

“ Kids tried to befriend me. I became friends with some , it was... Nice. They always cheered me and made me laugh , but whenever I needed to say something they always cut me off. I overheard them talking one day , one of them asked if I was really their friend. ‘ _No . ‘_ They said. ‘ _We only pity Philip , really. He’s kind of boring if you ask me. ‘_. I cut out friendship after that. I hated that word after , _pity._ I didn’t want to be pitied. “

“ I was adopted after a year. I was 7 years old that time around . I was adopted by a middle age couple , they weren’t _exactly_ rich and I had to live off the streets. They were low on budget , and it turns out the only reason they adopted me was because they needed someone to work for them to get money. It was like I was some robot or toy for them , they only _u_ sed _me._ It was clear that they never really loved me. The woman , or my foster mother at least , said that they only _pitied_ me and that I should be thankful that they picked me. They always made me work , making me sell newspapers out the street and if I didn’t get enough money , m-mom would always... _Hurt_ me. She’d hit me with everything. A broom , a belt , even a _fucking_ fire extinguisher once and it all hurt. I always cried every night , and whenever I did ‘mom’ would always yell at me and told me to ‘ _shut the fuck up ‘_. “

“ ‘Dad’ wasn’t nice either. He wasn’t a nice person , but he was more tolerable than ‘ mom’ . Or that’s what I at least thought. He always came home drunk , crying and he smelled bad. I always hear him and mom fighting over stuff , something about him being accused for molesting... _Kids._ It was disgusting. I didn’t believe it was true , but _god ._ One night , when he was drunk , he barged inside my room and--- _And..._ “ Phil didn’t want to say the word. There were already tears coming out of his eyes , he couldn’t _bear_ to think about the atrocious things he did to him.

“ Work wasn’t fun either. I worked nearby a huge , private school with fancy kids. I wasn’t really appealing , thanks to my baggy clothes and lack of hygiene. The kids would always make fun of me and bully me for that. Most of my days were always filled with kids teasing me rather than actual selling , so that’s why the amount that I have in my pocket never sufficed for mom. I tried telling her , but she didn’t want to listen. “

“ I lost it one day. I started crying in the middle of the street because I was _so tired_ of everything. I was around 10 years old that time , I think. I had to deal with _all of that_ for 3 years straight , so it wasn’t really a surprise why I started to break down. All of the people around me gave me dirty looks but I didn’t care. I was so tired of everything , I just wanted my life to end right there and now. My life was so black and white , not a hint of color. “

“ Then this elderly couple approached me and asked if I was okay. She had a bright , beautiful smile and pretty ginger hair. I was a kid , I didn’t know what to do-- I was so lost and broken that I just broke down right there as I babbled how tired I was. The man said that he’d fix my problems , I just had to lead them to where I lived. “

“ They adopted me , apparently. They had a nice house. They were rich and nice. I thought they adopted me because they wanted a maid or something , but no. Turns out the woman wanted a kid- But she couldn’t get one because she wasn’t fertile. Or that’s what they at least told me , but I was so relieved that I believed in almost _everything._ “

“ So for about 4 years in my life , I was happy. I was finally _happy_ again , smiling . The couple bought everything I wanted , all the clothes and gadgets and toys-- _Everything._ They treated me as if I was a child of their own. School was great , too . I apparently became famous thanks to my good looks and intelligence. All the girls would have a crush on me and all the boys would want to become my friend. “

“ But it all broke down one day. One of my ‘ friends ‘ told me that I should get a girlfriend. I wasn’t really interested in relationships that time , so I didn’t know if I should. I tried to find some girls in my class , even those who had a crush on me , to date or whatsoever. I didn’t like any of them , no matter how hard I tried to look or find . I wasn’t sure why , but one day , I figured out why. I didn’t like girls. I liked boys. I preferred the way boys act , the way boys looked like and-- I didn’t know. I couldn’t see myself getting serious with a girl , I could only see myself liking a boy for _real._ “

“ I told them this , all they all laughed at me. They said that I was really funny and I was good with jokes. I explained to them that I wasn’t joking and I was serious , I was attracted to my own gender. They started to call me words like ‘ _faggot ‘_ and ‘ _queer ‘_ and how I was going to hell and it was my past life all over again. Word got around that I was gay , and everyone bullied me for it. Not even the teachers wanted to help me , they probably thought I was disgusting , too. So that’s why everyday when I got home , I was covered in bruises and scars. My mom would be worried and she’d ask what happened , I never answered. I always erased when they wrote ‘ gay ‘ or ‘ faggot ‘ in my forehead or any other places in my body , though , I didn’t want them to know. They’d probably be disgusted , too. “

“ Then one day , someone else stood up and came out as ‘ gay ‘ in my class. His name was Charlie. He confessed that he really liked me and he wanted to date me , so he did. We started dating for a week and he was really nice. He was fun , he was friendly and all-- His friends , too . He always defended me , beat everyone who made fun of me. He was a nice guy. I fell in love with him after that , and I could say that he , too , was in love with me. “

“ But whenever I was with his friends , he always acted different. They’d always tell me to pay up for the stuff they buy-- It was often drugs , cigarette and-- I don’t know. Probably because I was rich. I was stupid , I called them my friends too and practically did everything that they said. They used me , I was like a slave to them. I was always the one who got blamed for all the shit and mischief they did , I was the one who always had to pay-- Basically , they used me as if I was some toy. But I didn’t mind , as long as I got to see my boyfriend happy , I was okay. “

“ Then I overheard them talking one day. They were cheering at Charlie , how good he was on this ‘ bet ‘ they’ve set up for him. The ‘ bet ‘ was apparently for him to come out as gay even though he wasn’t , and to date _me._ They thought it was hilarious , and that I was only a source for entertainment and money. They saw me , though , that I overheard them talking about it. So my so called ‘ boyfriend ‘ brought me to them . He laughed at me , telling me how pathetic I was believing that someone could actually love someone who was as disgusting as I was. That someone else was gay like me , and he kept calling me hurtful words like... An abomination , a mistake , a sinner-- I can’t remember. They beat me up after that and left me all alone crying in the middle of the park. Not only were my bones broken , but also my heart. “

“ I decided that I’ve had enough that day. I gradually started to change. Whenever someone chimed in and called me a fag , I beat them up with no hesitation. All my anger and frustration at the world was all let out in one punch , thus they were beaten up easily. I’d pin them up against the wall , choke them , punch them , beat them up until they were all bloody and bruised. I’d date girls ‘ for fun ‘ and I’d break their hearts , similar to how Charlie broke mine. I wanted everyone to feel the pain I was feeling. I was sent to detention and to the guidance counselor a bunch of times , but I didn’t care anymore. I was numb. I killed the old Phil Lester , the Phil who was naive and innocent and churned him into something new. It turns out I , too , was a monster. _Just like my mom._ “

“ I kept this act up until I was 15. I got tattoos , mostly roses and plants because I liked plants. But the roses describe me well , or that’s what everyone else would say. _Beautiful , but deadly._ I always saw it as something else , like how the thorns represent my past; how they were filled with venom and that they were piercing into my skin , poisoning me. My mom slowly started to dislike me too , but she never let me go. Of course she wouldn’t , right? “

“ Apparently some kid went to my mother and told her I was gay. I thought she wouldn’t mind , and that she’d accept me but _no._ She yelled at me , pulled my hair and hurt me in different ways-- Both verbally and physically. For the first time in 5 years , I cried-- I asked her why she was doing this. I thought that she _loved_ me. Yet she spat out 8 words that shattered me all over again. “

“ ‘ _I never loved you , I only pitied you. ‘_ She said. That stupid , _stupid_ word ‘ pity ‘ rang in my head again and I hated it. She kicked me out of the house and I was practically homeless. I sat in the streets and cried for hours , sobbed on how much of a _fucking_ mess my life . I was contemplating on whether or not I should run over to the road and let some truck hit me-- But then , a familiar lady came up to me. It was my grandmother. She asked me why was I there and why I was crying. I didn’t answer , I kept my mouth shut. She lead me back to her house and for 2 years , she took care of me. She was nice , I think you already know that. She enrolled me to our school and--- _Yeah._ I moved out when I was 18 since I didn’t want to be a burden to her . “

“ ... But she’s gone , isn’t she? The only person that mattered a lot to me is dead. That just proves how fucked up my life is , and how it’ll continue to be like that. The world took everything and everyone I love away from me. It drained all the colors and drowned them , leaving nothing but black and white. My life’s full of pain and misery , Dan. Don’t you understand? “

Dan couldn’t stop himself from crying. He’s never heard of a more fucked up , tragic story in his entire life. He knows it wasn’t _his_ story , and that he didn’t get to see him suffer , but _god._ Knowing that this was what the love of his life went through _hurt_ him. He didn’t even dare to open his mouth , nor did any sound slip out of it. Only tears emerged from his eyes and started to stream down his cheeks continuously.

Phil stood up. He felt ashamed , he regretted telling Dan _that._ But at least he’ll know how fucked up he is , and how fucked up his life is too-- And maybe , just maybe , he’ll leave him alone. He’ll go to someone who deserves him , to someone who wouldn’t morph his picture perfect life into _hell._

Dan had to say something. He stood up , but he didn’t walk towards Phil. “ Phil , I- “

“ Just shut up , Dan. “ Phil seethed out coldly. “ Why aren’t you running away yet? Why aren’t you scared of me? Why can’t you just leave me alone , run off to somewhere much more safer? To a person you deserve , to someone who isn’t a monster like me. Why can’t you just choose an easier path? “

“ Because Phil- “ Dan said , and it was stupid. He was trying to find one word that he could use , _one_ word that could describe what he was feeling for him . It was such a simple word but he couldn’t seem to find it. “ I want to h-help you. “

“ My god , Dan! Can’t you understand?! I don’t want your _fucking_ pity , and I’ve said that dozens of times already! “ Phil sobbed , his gaze meeting his. His crystal blue eyes were brimming with so much sadness and hurt , that alone was a bullet to Dan’s heart. “ I’ve been pitied my entire life and I didn’t get _anything_ good in return! I don’t want to be pitied again , because I’m not some weak kid that deserves to be pitied! I don’t want you to stay with me and tell me all these things just because you _pity_ me! “

“ B-But it’s not pity! “ Dan cried out . It really wasn’t , it _wasn’t_ pity.

“ Then what is it , Dan?! If it’s not fucking pity , then _what is it? “_

Each tear that fell down to the ground hurt Dan. It was like his tears were bullets that shot him in the heart. _Hard._ There was so much pain flickering on Phil’s face and Dan just wanted to wipe it away. He wanted to cease those tears from falling , he wanted to stop Phil from hurting. He wanted to protect Phil , to keep him safe from the things that wish to harm him.

Because what he was feeling , it wasn’t pity. It wasn’t mercy , it wasn’t empathy , sympathy.

It was ...

“ ... _Love._ “ Dan mumbled , taking steps closer to Phil. “ It’s not fucking pity , Phil. It’s _love._ I don’t fucking pity you because you’ve been through so much , and I don’t feel empathy because I haven’t felt your pain , but _god ,_ Phil- I love you so much. I don’t know why , but I just do. Every single broken piece of you is so _fucking_ beautiful to me , and your existence alone is beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful to me and I want to cherish it. I don’t care if you’re broken , I don’t care if you’re a mess , I don’t care if you’re fucked up-- because I _love_ you , Phil. I don’t care if my life’s going to be fucked up if I choose the path with you . Because the path with _you_ is what I want , and it’s the one I’ll always choose. I don’t care where we go , you can take me anywhere , even if our destination was _hell_ itself. I don’t care what people will say if they see us together , just the thought of me and you together makes me happy. Everyone else can just _fuck_ themselves., I just want to protect you , keep you safe , love you and just give you everything that’s made out of pure , utter l- “

Dan couldn’t even finish his sentence. Because all of a sudden , his lips collided with another pair. Those cold , snakebites of his making him shiver slightly. Phil’s hand cupped Dan’s cheek as he leaned in and kissed him deeper . The kiss was passionate; and it was filled with so many emotions. It was filled with sadness , anger , happiness , _god ,_ Dan couldn’t count it. All he knew that it was passionate , and it was filled with _so much_ love.

Dan tasted like candy. Cotton candy , birthday cake , vanilla ice cream and everything sweet. But most importantly , he tasted like complete utter _happiness._ Heck , that wasn’t a taste but he felt so happy that he was finally able to do this. To kiss the one he’s truly in love with , to share such an intimate action with someone he truly loves.

Phil tasted like alcohol. No , he tasted like stars and constellations and everything that was magical- Dan knew that wasn’t a taste , but kissing him felt magical. It felt enchanted , as if the scene was stolen straight out of the a fairytale. He could taste his salty tears but Dan didn’t care. He was kissing Phil Lester , the boy he was madly in love with and it turns out that the feeling was mutual all along.

Their lips parted for a brief moment so they could catch their breath. But it soon reconnects , and they were kissing each other as if they were each other’s oxygen. As if they were going to die right after the kiss , and they didn’t care. The kiss was filled with so much love and passion.

Smirking , Phil pulled away. “ Calm yourself , Dan. We’re in a public area...Unless you’re into _that_ stuff. “

Dan wanted to slap him , but he only laughed. He was chuckling , and it was genuine. And that joking smirk of his was somehow still full of happiness and Dan was so happy that _he_ was the one who painted that. “ Shut up. “ He chuckled. “ Stop breaking the cheesy atmosphere , you fucking dork. “

“ You’re so cliche , it’s gross. “ Phil joked as he laughed. He wanted to cry now. But not because he was so tired of life , not because his life was messed up-- But because there was this boy who managed to bring his life back to color. An angel that saved him , brought him _happiness_ and the thing he was seeking for all alone; _love._

“ But you love that part of me , don’t you? “ He grinned teasingly. With his thumbs , he wiped off those tears on his cheek.

“ Such a narcissist. “ Phil chuckled , pulling him closer for another peck. “ But god , you’re so glad that I love you. “

Dan’s heart skipped a beat. _Oh god ,_ those three words and eight letters. Those words that he wanted to hear from Phil , those words that he wanted Phil to say to him. “ W-Wait , say that again... “

“ What? I love you? “ Phil teased , his nose nuzzling his. “ It’s true though , Dan. I love you. I love you too , maybe , because you were the first one to confess your _undying_ love to me. “

“ Shut up! You narcissistic bastard , might as well call yourself a hypocrite for your comment earlier! “ He said , flustered. He jokingly punched him on the chest as he pulled his self away from him , but all Phil could do was laugh.

“ Aww , don’t I get a ‘ I love you ‘ again? “ He said. _Jesus ,_ what did he do to ever deserve a boy this beautiful? He didn’t call out for an angel , but somehow , one came into his life and brought light to his world full of darkness. “ I’m sure you’re eager to let those words slip out of your mouth though , sweetheart. “

“ Ugh , you’re so obnoxious! But _I love you ,_ there , you happy? “ He muttered , rolling his eyes. But truthfully , deep down , Dan would say those three words _over and over again_ because he really meant it. He loved Phil and everything about him. A silent gasp escaped his lips as he felt Phil’s arm wrap around his waist.

“ I love you too , you pastel lovin’ freak. “ He grinned , and it was the _most_ beautiful grin he had ever seen. He didn’t notice that the sky already faded to black and that the stars already emerged in the sky , but all those stars can die and everything would still be bright around him. And that was because _Philip Michael Lester_ was smiling-- A genuine , real smile filled with happiness. “ Will you marry me , then? “

Dan unwrapped Phil’s arm around him and pushed him away. “ No! What the fuck?! We’re like 18 years old , you idiot! “ He screeched , glaring at him. A series of laughter escaped Phil’s lips after , and soon enough , Dan was laughing too.

“ I was kidding , jerk! Jesus , can’t you take a joke?! “ Phil said in the midst of his laughter. He has never felt this good in his entire life , he’s never felt happiness _this good._ God , maybe he wasn’t even joking- Maybe he already wanted to marry Dan. It wouldn’t be a bad idea now , wouldn’t it? They were happy together. “ But seriously speaking , will you be my boyfriend then? “

“ I thought you’d never ask. “ Dan giggled. _Oh my god ,_ he was _Phil Lester’s boyfriend._ Did heaven finally grant his wish? Did a miracle finally occur in his life? “ Of course I will , idiot! “

Phil pulled him closer for another kiss. Now , this kiss was gentle and soothing; a lot more softer compared to the last one. It was warm and it was filled with nothing else but love. His hand snaked to his as he intertwined their fingers , locking them together. His hand perfectly fit in his hand , as if he was made just for him. It was funny , wasn’t it? The person he despised , the person he used to call annoying became his boyfriend. It was so cliche , but Phil couldn’t care less. He was happy and Dan was happy. They were together and that’s all that matters. He didn’t care if he was out of his league , if he was a Prince and if he deserved so much more than a snarky , lone Wolf-- He loved him , and Dan loved him back.

“ Hey , pastel prince. “ He said as their lips parted , though their gazes never tore apart. His hand was running down his cheek , caressing it.

“ Yeah? “

“ I love you. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL this was so cheesy and it could have been better but lmao
> 
> im gonna miss this fic (":


	31. the prince & the wolf

 

 **30** ****

_“ Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil----- - YouTube power couple! “_

_Or , at least , that’s what everyone else says._

Days turn into weeks , weeks turn into months and months turn into _god knows how long._

Years have passed and life couldn’t get any better for the two. They’ve graduated , bid their goodbyes and farewells to their friends but never left each other’s sides. Since he was ‘ old ‘ enough , Dan Howell insisted his parents that he’ll move out the house and live together with his loving boyfriend---- _Phil Lester._

Phil moved out of his boring old flat and moved in a better one with Dan. They picked one that was _perfect_ for them , it had a gaming room and all. It even had _two_ bedrooms , but they found the other one useless since they settled on sleeping in the same room anyway. Dan wasn’t a fan of the dark and the creatures that lure in it , so it was Phil’s job to protect him in his warm , loving arms.

College was hard , Dan had to admit. It wasn’t exactly the smartest choice to pick _Law_ as his course , but he didn’t know what was he even doing with his life so he decided to wing it. He spent nights moaning and groaning over his exams , if it wasn’t for Phil he would probably give up at life already.

Other than that , they’ve finally made a YouTube channel! Dan basically made sketch-like videos where he’d talk about certain stuff people would _hopefully_ relate to , such as why he was a ‘ fail ‘ and helping teens with their messed up lives. He’d even make videos where he talks about his pastel clothes and whatnot , since ‘ _gender rolls are the worst kind of bread . ‘_

Despite their promises , Phil set up one , too. He basically talked about his life , ‘ vlogs ‘ as others would call it , and put on amazing and creative ideas that other YouTubers would do. ‘ _The 7 Second Challenge ‘_ was one of them , which blew up apparently. He always joked on how people only subscribed to him for his appearance rather than the entertainment he brought , but Dan would have to disagree.

Inevitably , they were ‘ shipped ‘ by most of their viewers. They didn’t exploit their relationship online for reasons , mostly because Dan was uncomfortable with it and Phil agreed to anything; as long as Dan was happy and OK. Most of their fans-- ‘ _Phans ‘ ,_ rather --- couldn’t stop gushing on how they were perfect for each other , personality and appearance wise. Also because whenever they would collab , Dan always looked at Phil as if he was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. ‘ _Heart Eyes Howell ‘_ as most would call it , which was ironic since Dan was trying to hide their romantic relationship. They couldn’t stop gushing on how ‘ domestic ‘ they were , too . Phil would always chuckle at this and would often blame Dan. Dan , on the other hand , would only stick his tongue out at him like a child.

They even had a Wikipedia for god’s sake , and they were even associated with each other. It was safe to say that they were practically stuck with each other , but Phil didn’t mind .

Phil couldn’t be happier. He was so lucky to have Dan , he asked the heavens what did he even do to deserve someone as beautiful as him. His monochromatic world was once again colorful , all because one boy came in and painted his life with sparkling colors; and they all exploded like beautiful fireworks , erasing everything that was black and white . Everything around him soon became beautiful , but none of those can compare to Dan’s beauty. Soon enough , he was already smiling and laughing; bringing back the old Phil who was innocent and pure. The Phil that believed in happiness and in love .

He was still in their room , laying on the white sheets as his eyes laid upon the gift Dan had given him years ago. The music box that had small figurines of them as it spun around , producing a lovely melody. He’s cherished it for all these years and will continue to do so until he’s old and gray.

“ Phil! “ He heard Dan’s voice call out , echoing throughout their empty hallway. “ _My_ cereal’s empty again! What the heck , don’t tell me you snacked on it again! You had your own box , dammit! “

Phil chuckled , guilty but not the bad kind. “ I don’t know what you’re talking about , love! “ He lied teasingly. “ Maybe it’s those rats again! You don’t always have to blame everything on me , y’know. “

Dan put on a fake angry expression to play along. He stomped angrily as he went inside their bedroom , only to find a lazy Phil laid across the bed. “ There you are , you lazyass punk! “ He jokingly hissed. “ I demand you to bring back my cereal this instant! “

“ You’re cute when you’re angry , babe. “ Phil flirted , smiling mischievously. “ And you can’t bring back what’s eaten , hun. “

Dan’s lips protruded into a pout , he ran to the bed and threw a pillow against his boyfriend’s face. “ Stop calling me nicknames , I have a name , Phil! “ He exclaimed. “ Why did you eat my cereal?! I swear to god , if you keep this up , we can’t have kids! You’re going to end up eating _their_ boxes as well! “

A burst of laughter bubbled up Phil’s throat. He threw the pillow away from his face and tackled his adorable boyfriend , nuzzling his face against his chest like a child. “ Oh? Talking about kids now , aren’t we? You’re still struggling with college , sweetheart! We can’t have kids ... _Yet._ “ He joked , completely ignoring his statement about how he should ‘ stop calling him nicknames ‘

The blue eyed boy began to leave peppered kisses starting from his clothed stomach up until his neck , lovingly kissing him in his sensitive spot and giving him lovebites. Dan laughed loudly , attempting to push him away but failed miserably in the end. He kept whining on how it was his ‘ sensitive spot ‘ and that Phil should stop but they both knew that he didn’t want him to , anyway. They can easily be labeled as a perfect couple , both contented with each other’s presence and they were both perfectly happy.

Phil _(_ eventually _)_ let go , throwing himself back on the bed just beside his panting boyfriend , obviously exhausted from all the tickling or whatever you’d call that. His sparkling blue eyes fell upon the vaguely familiar flower crown sitting atop Dan’s head , and his instincts told him to grab it instantly , so he did. “ Hey. “ He said , studying the object in his hands. “ Isn’t this the lame ass flower crown I gave you ? “

 _Jeez , he bought it himself; why couldn’t he remember it?_ “ Yeah. “ Dan confirmed with a quick nod , _still_ trying to catch his breath. He crawled closer to Phil , sliding under his arms and laid himself against his chest. Phil sat up to make Dan’s position even more comfortable.

His long , thick fingers grabbed a hold of the tiny flowers that were placed upon the crown. It moved to the other as he spoke. “ Y’know flowers have meanings , right Dan? “ Phil questioned , and Dan would nod to verify. He was most definitely aware of that , but he wasn’t quite sure what _all_ the flowers meant. Grinning , Phil pointed to the white plastic flower. “ This is a white Camellia , is it not? “ Dan nods. “ It means _you’re adorable._ “

“ Which , y’know , _is true._ Ever since I met you , I always thought you were adorable. “ He couldn’t help but let a small chuckle slide off his lips. “ Even when we were enemies. Every time you were fuming , angry at me; I thought it was _adorable_ how you’d go red and puff your cheeks , then you’d _try_ to come up with a snarky retort only to end up failing as always. You’re adorable , Dan. “

“ Now this is an Orchid. It has multiple meanings , but I’ve settled upon ‘ _beauty ‘._ Sometimes at night , or even at day , I always ponder; are you really human? Or are you some alien that outer space sent us to study the human species? “ That earned him a small punch from Dan , which Phil only laughed off. “ Kidding! But seriously , I’ve always pondered if you were really human. Maybe you’re an angel sent to save a particular someone , or maybe a gift from the gods. You were too beautiful , Dan. I couldn’t believe someone _human_ could be as gorgeous and magnificent as you. You’re beautiful , Dan. “

“ Now this is an Aster. It represents daintiness. Even in a vast ocean of prince and princesses , you stood out. You weren’t just beautiful;you were _exquisite._ Your beauty was extraordinary , one that would stand out. You were the brightest star that outshone everyone else if our campus was a sky. You’re full of daintiness , Dan. “

“ Here’s a daisy. It means _innocence._ That time when those other ‘ _wolves ‘_ tried to attack you , I saw how scared you were; all that fear was evidently painted on yor pretty face. I could tell you’ve never experienced such violence , Dan. You were pure , you never got into fights like I did. You’re full of innocence , Dan. “

“ Here’s a red Carnation . It means _admiration._ I started to admire you Dan . How you were so kind even when lots of people started to despise your mere existence , how you were so kind to those who’re mean to you. You never fought back , and that only proves that you’re more of an angel than a human. You were always happy , you were rarely sad or depressed--- I liked that. I admire you a lot , Dan. “

“ Hey , this one’s a bit cheesy--- It’s a Red Camellia. It’s equivalent to ‘ _you’re a flame in my heart ‘_ , and you are. Even when I didn’t realize I was in love with you , you somehow had this ability that made my heart beat like a drum. You can inflame it by merely locking your eyes with me , you can _almost_ make it explode by just being by my side. And by merely existing , you keep it alive. That’s how much you affect me , Dan. “

“ Now this , _this_ is a Pink Camellia. It symbolizes _longing._ When I was in love with you-- Well , _secretly_ in love with you. I was in denial , even with myself- And I’m pretty sure you know what. Anyway , it symbolizes longing now , doesn’t it? I longed for you , Dan. I wanted you to be in my arms , I wanted to be the one that will protect you for eternity. All I wanted was the taste your sweet lips allow , and everything else. I longed for you , Dan. And now , _you’re finally mine._ “

“ This is pretty cheesy , and I hate cheese. “ He snorted at his own remark. _Cheese_ _is_ _disgusting , anyway._ “ It’s a Primrose , and it means _I can’t live without you_ and I really can’t. To me , you’re like oxygen , Dan. That’s an overused term , but you really are. Without you , I can’t breath; I can’t continue to live. You’re that little ray of sunshine in my life , without you existing; I will no longer have the will to continue on living. You are my sun , my moon , all of the stars; my world , my universe , galaxy; my _everything._ Without you , I wouldn’t exist , Dan. “

“ You can tell what this is. It’s a Pink Rose , Dan. And it signifies two things; _One ,_ perfect happiness. By simply being with you , I’m perfectly happy. I don’t care about all of my other problems because _you’re_ by my side and that’s all that matters. By simply knowing that you exist and that you love me , I’m blissfully happy that I couldn’t even put it into words. It’s second meaning is _Please believe me ,_ which will make sense when you know _this_ flower’s meaning. “

He points his finer on the last flower decorated , which happens to be a ... “ _Red Rose._ It means those three words , those three words that I wish you’d utter to me for thousands of years; _I love you._ Because I loved you , Dan. And I love you , and I will keep on loving you. I don’t even know how to express how genuine those three mere words are , but I just love you so much that not even words or actions could describe it. “

He gently puts the object down on the other side of the bed. His eyes connect with Dan’s who was brimming with tears of complete utter happiness. “ But you know what’s the real reason why I love you? “

“ What? “

“ It’s because _you’re_ Dan. “ He said simply , a smile drawing on that perfect pale face of his. “ It’s because you’re _you_ and you keep on being you. All of those things simply make up who you are . You’re like , the complete combination of everything perfect in this world. And I don’t know what I’m even saying right now , because it all seems like I’m merely blabbing about shit I don’t even know. But all I know is that I , Phil Lester , am deeply _madly_ and truly in love with Dan Howell’s ethereal existence. “

Their lips gently touch and softly connect. Dan melts into the kiss as Phil pours all of his love for that boy. It was a perfect and a kiss t’was full of love;just like Phil’s melodramatic speech. Time seemingly ceased to exist as stars emerge around them , and everything in that very moment seemed perfect.

Dan pulls away , his nose and forehead still touching with his lover’s. “ And you say _I’m_ the cheesy one. “ He laughs , nuzzling his nose against his. He doesn’t really get how Phil always rambles about how he doesn’t deserve him , because as _he_ sees it; he doesn’t deserve someone as _beautiful_ as Phil. He was broken , but he still managed to be beautiful as ever.

“ Shut up. It’s what love does to you , you can’t blame me. “ He laughs along with him. And soon , the room was filled with nothing but their beautiful laughter in sync. It was no longer filled with that boring old ‘ _tick-tocking ‘_ of the clock , no longer filled with the cricket’s boring silence; it was replaced with something better than silence. A beautiful , melodic sound that was the remedy to Phil’s shattered soul.

“ And Dan? “ Phil says.

“ Yes , Phil? “ Dan answers.

“ I love you. “

“ I know. “

“ Do you love me too? “

“ I do. “

-

Phil never considered waking up as a good thing before. He hated it whenever a ray of sun slipped under his curtains and burned his eyes , hated it when the birds chirped and forcibly woke him up-- _That_ or the annoying , repetitive beeping of his goddamn alarm clock. But now? Things were all different.

He woke up and the first thing he’d see was a ray of sun; but it didn’t burn his eyes , quite the opposite rather. It blessed him with a _wonderful_ sight; a sight of Dan , _his_ own ray of sunshine. He was no longer greeted by the annoying sound of his clock , he was instead greeted with a sweet ‘ _good morning ‘_ coming from his lover.

Eyelids fluttered open and he expected to see a Dan nuzzling against his chest. But no. There was no Dan. There was but an empty space beside him , showing no sign of human life.

“ Dan? “ He called out. No one called.

And an old friend decided to visit him.

Dark , negative thoughts started to corrupt his mind. It started to tell him such things as ‘ _what if Dan never existed in the first place?_ ‘ what if he was a mere figment of his imagination , an imaginary person that he desperately created so that he could save himself? Or what if he left? What if Dan finally decided that he’s had enough of Phil’s petty little ass and decided to find someone else better? What if Dan never loved him and in reality , he was with someone else? What if all of this , as pathetic as it sounds was nothing but a dream?

“ Dan? “ He cried out once , frantic for his reply. There was no reply at all , and his thoughts started rambling on how their conclusion _might_ be true.

“ Dan? “ A second cry , this one more desperate. His mind started to yell at him , telling him to stop trying. Why was he even trying? Why did he even believe that this was all real , that someone could love him? Didn’t Charlie confirm that he was indeed _unlovable? Oh , poor Phil. Somehow , even after all these years , you’re still as pathetic as you use to b-_

“ DAN! “

Alas , the pastel boy barges in the room with an apron tied around his waste. There was this look of concern sketched on his visage , eyebrows frowning in worry. The speakers outside were so loud that he didn’t even hear Phil call in the first place , and now he was behold by the sight of his lover with tears streaming down his cheeks. He ran over to him on the bed , heart’s pace beating despite the panic that was arising in his system.

“ Oh my god , I’m so sorry Phil! Are you okay?! What happened , are you hurt? Was it a nightmare? Oh my god , oh my god , I shouldn’t have left you! I’m an idiot , Phil! I’m so sorr- “

His words were left undone as their lips suddenly collide , Phil swiftly stealing a kiss from Dan. He needed confirmation , needed relief; needed to be reminded that Dan was _still_ here and Dan never left him , that Dan stayed and kept up with him , that Dan _loved him..._

He pulls away , but kept their foreheads touching as he tried to catch his breath from the long kiss. “ I thought... “ He mumbled , whispered more like. “ I thought you left me. “

Dan couldn’t help it but furrow a brow at his statement. “ What the fuck?! “ He blurted out suddenly , emphasizing the cuss word . “ Why the fuck would I leave you?! Are you out of your mind?! “

Phil looks up at him , a face that spells ‘ _‘m Sorry , love._ ‘ . Those cracks of his were showing once again. “ It’s...Bad thoughts. Things before , shit in the past and...Charlie...And other stuff that I wanted to avoid...I’m sorry , I’m so sorry- “ He mumbled , burying his face in his hands as he sobbed. “ I just- I just thought you left me okay? You weren’t beside me and I- I got scared , I overreacted and panicked and I thought you left me and I thought you no longer loved me and- And-- _!_ “

“ Shhhh... “ The brunette shushed as he wrapped his arms around Phil , rubbing his back to comfort him. “ You know I love you , right? I’ll never leave you , Phil. I know it’s hard , but I’m going to make sure that your future is a hundred times better than your past. I’m gonna make sure that you’re going to be happy until you’re old and gray , that you’re happy as long as you’re with me. I can’t promise that things won’t be broken , but I swear that I will never leave. “

“ Thank you... “ He muttered , burying his face in Dan’s chest. He still smelled of sweets and cotton candy , up until now. “ Thank you so much , Dan. God , I love you _so_ fucking much- What did I ever do to deserve you? “

“ You simply are you , Phil. “ Dan whispered back. “ That’s all you had to do. “

-

Today was a great day , Dan knows it. It was filled with a variety of ideas and fun plans , with lots of activities and food and whatnot! Why , you ask?

It was January 30; Phil’s birthday!

He’s been planning to do this for what seems like _forever._ He was going to take him to the mall and stuff , and he was going to treat him and everything else he had in mind. He was going to make Phil feel like he was the king of the world today , or at least paint a smile on that face of his.

First thing Dan did was slide off the sheets and quietly ran to the kitchen. He made sure every now and then that Phil was _still_ asleep , he didn’t want _that_ to be repeated once again. Lucky for him , that poor doof was fast asleep and didn’t look like he was going to wake up unless Dan wakes him up himself.

He wanted to cook him an extra special breakfast today. Breakfast-in-bed , that is! He was going to make Phil’s favorite kind of meal , which were no doubt pancakes. Though he _still_ kept that ‘ tough ‘ guy look , his mind was basically a child’s. He enjoyed the simple stuff that people would never expect , like lions and pancakes and whatnot. Sure , he’d beat humans with no sign of hesitation; but when it comes to killing a house rat? No! He’d rather bring it outside instead.

Dan was finally done with Phil’s meal. Slowly and quietly , he slid into their room with the tray in his hands. He balanced the tray with his left hand and with the free one , he quietly poked his boyfriend whilst whispering a quiet ‘ _psst. ‘ ._ Surprisingly , that alone managed to wake him up.

“ D-Dan? Wh- “

Before Phil could even open his eyes , Dan silenced him with a sweet kiss. A ‘ good morning kiss ‘ as others would call it. Phil willingly kissed back , Dan’s lips alone already woke him up to the full extent.

Dan pulled back , a small giggle leaving his lips as they were drawn into a toothy grin. “ Good morning , my Philly! “ He greeted sweetly , placing the tray on him carefully. “ Happy birthday! “

“ A simple ‘ _good morning ‘_ would do , but I’m not complaining. “ Phil chuckled , shaking his head as a smile was involuntarily tugged at the corner of his lips. He yawned and scratched the back of his head before sitting up properly . He found Dan’s simple gesture of love _really_ sweet , breakfast-in-bed wasn’t something he experienced before-- Even as a child. “ Woah , wait- It’s my birthday? I didn’t even know. “

Dan rolled his eyes. _Am I dating a 5 year old or what?_ “ Silly. It’s January 30 , how could you forget your own birthday?! “

Phil smirked. “ Well , I can’t seem to fit all those facts in when my mind’s filled with nothing but _you._ “ He flirted , lazily pinching his lover’s cheek in a playful manner. “ Either way , this is great. You’ve really outdone yourself , Dan. First thing in the morning and you’ve already made me smile. But you do that everyday , so no surprise. “

“ Ugh , shut up! You’re gonna give me diabetes! Just eat your food already , it’s going to get cold! “ The brunette said , cheeks puffing. “ That took me all morning to prepare! Don’t let my efforts go to a waste. “

“ Aw , babe , but what if I wanted to eat _you_ instead? “ He quipped , smiling teasingly. Blood rushes to Dan’s cheeks in a blink of an eye , instantly making him flustered. This alone made Phil laugh , amused by his boyfriend’s adorableness. “ God , Dan. You’re so cute when you’re blushing! I should make you blush more often. “

“ S-Shut up! “

“ You’ll probably blush a lot when you’re in bed , I can get excitedly easily if that’s true. “

“ Phil! “ Dan whined , hitting him lightly. _The nerve of this guy , I swear to god!_ “ Shut up! Just eat your pancakes , okay?! “

Phil laughs. _God , I’m so fucking in love with this boy._

-

They’ve settled on going to the mall and have a simple stroll around it. Phil didn’t want anything too fancy , he said all he wanted was a nice , plain date with his beloved boyfriend. He didn’t need to go to any expensive restaurants , nor did he need to blow a massive party-- A day with no one else but his lover would suffice. It’d be better than all of those other options , actually.

Dan wasn’t a big fan of PDA , but he couldn’t help it when it was him with Phil. He wanted to show everyone that he was _his_ because he was so damn proud of that fact. Dan’s arm was coiled around Phil’s waist as he stuck close to him . Phil’s strong arm was wrapped around Dan , keeping him close to him and making sure that they weren’t going to separate . He didn’t even care if one of their viewers would see them and would expose that they were really together .

“ _Ugh , these damn homosexuals. “_ They heard someone hiss under their breath. “ _Why do they still exist? Gross. “_

Dan felt bad. A wave of guilt washed over him as he slowly began to loosen his arm around Phil . He didn’t want nasty remarks to be thrown at Phil just because of him , he’s already had enough of those;he was afraid that he was going to trigger some memory in his past when he was bullied lots.

Yet , Phil seemed to think otherwise. Because he returns Dan’s around his , securing it back to it’s rightful place.

“ Ugh , these damn homophobes. “ He uttered under his breath , mocking the person’s voice as he put on a dramatic face. “ Why do they still exist? Gross , am I right or am I right? “

That swiftly withdrew all of the guilt Dan was feeling. It was replaced with a fuzzy , warm feeling that manages to paint a smile on his face. “ You’re so silly. “ He muttered , shaking his head as he laughs. “ But yes , I suppose you’re correct. “

“ I’m always correct , ya lil’ dork. “ He said , hand crawling over to his head as he ruffles it. “ Like when I say you’re beautiful , and that I love you , and that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me--- That’s all correct. Is it not? “

“ Jesus Christ , shut up! You’re literally the corniest person I’ve ever met. Which is ironic , since you’re a punk and all . “ He says as he rolls his eyes. “ But consider yourself lucky , I’ll let it slide since I love you. “

They pretty much went to the cinema after that. Dan wasn’t the biggest fan of romantic stuff , but since he was in a ‘ _cheesy’_ sort of mood he suggested that they should check out that instead. Phil , of course , willingly agreed. Anything would be fine , as long as Dan himself was smiling and happy.

The movie was great. It was filled with enough comedy , enough tragedy and enough romance. Kinda like _their_ own story , ‘cept angst and emotional trauma kinda dominated over the entire book. Dan found himself crying like the baby as the credits rolled , non-stop tears trickling down his cheeks.

Phil , on the other hand , was as emotionless as a wall. He glanced over at his crying boyfriend , and even though he tried he couldn’t help himself but snicker at the sight of him sobbing over a goddamn movie. “ You’re such a crybaby. “ He snorted , wiping his tears away with a tissue _(_ it was supposed to be for the popcorn or something , but it remained unused _)_. “ Crying over a damn movie. Haha , _cute._ “

“ Says a crier himself! “ Dan whisper shouted , pretending to be grumpy. The audience started to pile out of the room so Dan and Phil both got up as well. “ You were crying about a baby lion the other day! “

“ But that’s reality , that movie was merely fictional! “ Phil reasoned , sticking his tongue out like a toddler. “ Stop hurting the birthday boy’s feelings , ya bully! “

“ I swear to god , Phil. I sometimes mistaken you for someone who’s a whole more younger than me. You act like you’re fucking _7_ years old. “ He muttered , but he couldn’t help but chuckle as he worded his statement. “ You’re just lucky that I love you. Otherwise , I would have dropped you off _years_ ago. “

A string of laughter slips of Phil’s pale lips. “ And _that’s_ why I’m lucky. “ He grinned teasingly. He coils his arm around the other’s waist as he pulls him close , hand ruffling his hair. “ Love ya too , princess. “

-

The day ended quickly. _Time_ does indeed fly when you’re having fun after all , one of the very few famous quotes that actually apply to reality.

It was filled with giggles and laughter , with endless sweet nothings whispered to each other’s eyes; with countless kisses that were stolen from one another. Dan and Phil dropped off to a variety of places , to clothing stores where they’d buy cute matching outfits. They’d run to arcades where it’s all fun and games , they’d slide in a mini Karaoke booth but were immediately kicked out since they were caught making out. Nonetheless , it was a really fun day. Phil wouldn’t have it any other way.

They were back in their room. Both exhausted , but that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop celebrating. Phil _still_ had a candle to blow , a cake to eat and one more present to open.

“ I had a lot of fun today , Dan. “ Phil says softly as he throws his jacket to the side , smiling at his boyfriend. He was about to change his clothes , his sweater was already discarded. They’ve seen each other shirtless _,_ nothing new. Nothing further than that , either. “ Thank you. This is honestly the best birthday I’ve ever had. “

“ But we only went to the mall and shit. “ Dan pouted , but he was glad that Phil was grateful in the end. He noticed Phil walk closer to him , and he could feel his lukewarm breath fan against his neck. A pleasurable shiver is sent down his spine , causing him to jolt up slightly. He looks up , only to see Phil with a burning desire within the orbs of his eyes.

“ But I got to spend the whole day with _you._ “ He said , smiling sweetly. “ That alone is enough for me. “

And then their lips collide sweetly. Dan melts into the kiss and kisses Phil as passionately as he does. Innocent kissing soon evolved to making out , and making out soon turned into... _Well ,_ love making. Phil pushed Dan down the bed , leaving peppered kisses from his neck up to his torso.

Erotic moans of pleasure leave the brunette’s lips as heavy grunts of bliss slip out of the punk’s. Both adored every single inch of the other in their passionate lovemaking , a mixture of love and lust burning within their eyes as their gazes locked. Lovebites were marked , scratches were left and complete , utter love was made.

The stars were shining brightly today. Milk-like moonlight slipped under their windows and served as a nightlight for the punk. In his arms; a naked , beautiful boy who he promises to cherish for years. He was fast asleep , obviously tired from all of _that_ ‘ exercise ‘. Maybe Phil shouldn’t sleep. Maybe Phil should just cherish the sleeping beauty that was carefully placed in his strong arms.

Dan was perfect. His skin was blemish free and was a perfect shade of golden tan. He had freckles and moles all over his body which Phil would call beauty spots. He had quite a lot of curves that made his body even more _beautiful_ than it is. Yet when it comes to all of the curves in his body , his smile had to be his favorite.

As realization suddenly struck him like a lightning bolt , he couldn’t help but chuckle.

_We forgot to eat the cake._

_-_

June 11.

_Dan’s birthday._

The brunette instantly knew that his day of birth was today , in contrary with his _forgetful_ lover. He yawned as he woke up , expecting to see a sleeping Phil beside him as the insides of his eyelids disappeared. Much to his dismay, _he wasn’t there._ In the very spot of where he usually sleeps was a sticky note that was color yellow. On it was Phil’s neat and cursive like handwriting that said the following:

‘ _Hi , love! I had to do something important today , sorry love D: I made you breakfast , though. I hope you didn’t wake up late , otherwise , it would be cold!_

_\- Philly ‘_

_Not even a simple ‘ happy birthday ‘?_ Dan thought to himself as he frowned. Yet , it was quite selfish of him to think like that. Maybe Phil’s reason was valid , maybe he had short memory or whatever--- But _he_ remembered _his_ birthday! It wasn’t fair. He _really_ wanted to spend the entire day with Phil , but it turns out he wasn’t going to because that _idiot had to go somewhere else and somehow that ‘ somewhere else ‘ was more important than his goddamn boyfriend’s birthday._

First thing in the morning and he was already bitter. He shouldn’t be bitter. He’d have to wait for Phil , and maybe remind him what date is was today.

_Yeah._

-

Dan had a party.

His old squad was the one who set it up for him. They did it at some beach resort but Dan didn’t really go swimming. The entire squad was there . Louise , Cat , the ever so happy couple PJ and Chris and even _Hazel._ They’ve set him an entire blowout and lots and lots of food and gifts. This of course made Dan smile and happy , but it wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted Phil.

He’s texted , called him and tried all the methods of communication to contact him. He didn’t even bother to reply , not even once. Was this a joke? Was he trying to play a trick on him? Was his birthday gift a sudden breakup? Whatever it was , Dan wasn’t going to like it. He was surely going to confront him later. But , for now , he’s not supposed to act all grumpy--- Or else it’ll ruin the mood of the party.

Surprisingly , no one questioned about Phil either. Which was half good and half worrying because _one ,_ it means no one can suddenly ruin his mood while he was having fun and _two , hello?_ Why aren’t they going to question _why_ Phil Lester , his one and only beloved boyfriend , wasn’t with him on his special day? That sounds a bit too off , if you ask Dan! Nonetheless , he shook all of these off and decided to enjoy the rest of his day , anyway.

“ Hey , mate. You’re looking a bit down in the dumps. “ PJ said as he suddenly slid beside Dan , who’s eyes were still hopelessly glued to his phone;awaiting Phil’s reply to _one_ single text. As soon as PJ popped up , Dan quickly turned his phone off. “ Somethin’ wrong? “

“ A-Ah , no , I’m okay. “ Dan said , shaking his head. It was clearly a lie , and he was sure PJ could tell. He’d probably tell so easily , but to his surprise , he didn’t even acknowledge anything about it.

“ Oh , alright. Also , I wanted to give you this. “ It was a bus ticket that lead to Manchester. Dan wasn’t sure why he’d give him this , but gladly accepted it anyway. “ You can go there at night. Ride the Manchester Eye , I dunno. It’s a really pretty ride , y’kno. _Especially_ at night. You’ll no doubt enjoy it , you’ll even get to see the pretty stars! Cool , huh? “

Dan smiled weakly. “ Y-Yeah , I guess... “ It’d be funner if he was with Phil , though. _Too bad that asshole left me for no good reason at all. What a fucking prick._

The party ended around 8 PM. Everyone bid their goodbyes to Dan and Dan bid his farewells to them. He glanced at his phone , hoping to see a notification pop up or something , a missed call or at least _anything_ from Phil! But there was _nothing._ He basically rendered it useless to worry over Phil , he was probably having fun somewhere else-- Wherever it was. _Hope it’s a lot more fuckin’ better than an entire day with your boyfriend. Not to mention it’s your goddamn boyfriend’s birthday today. Ugh._

This day could have been so much better. But Phil’s absence made him so bitter about everything , and it really wasn’t helping at all. If Phil had the _best_ birthday this year , he had the _worst._

He didn’t know where else to go. If he went home , he’d probably see Phil and he wouldn’t like that. He decided to use that goddamn bus ticket then , the one that leads to Manchester. Maybe he _will_ ride the Manchester Eye. He’ll sit there , all alone as he hopelessly wishes that he’s going to forget everything that happened today. That he’ll forget that Phil forgot that _today_ was his special day. He wanted to wash all of the anger he had fueling inside him , so that tomorrow would be nothing but a perfect , fine day.

The bus that he was taking luckily took him to the Manchester eye. But he noticed something different , the place was a _lot_ more prettier than usual-- Than what he expected. The sky was completely lighted up with lantern lights that replaced the empty dark sky. It was such a pretty sight , Dan might have to say. Though he couldn’t help but question it’s purpose-- Was there some kind of event today? Funeral? Festival? God , Dan didn’t know.

He exited the bus when he arrived at his destination. My Chemical Romance’s _The World is Ugly_ was blasting loud in the speakers that circled a certain area. The entrance to the ride was a whole lot different today , too. A red carpet guided the path , on each side were curved hedges that were filled with red roses. A pergolas placed atop , adorned with pretty colorful lights and were covered in vines of roses. Dan smiled at the pretty sight , _was this new?_

As soon as he stepped in , he looked around the place. It was nicely set up , whoever did this _really_ put a lot of effort in it. There was table in the very middle that was placed with _lots_ of gifts . Heck , the table alone didn’t even have enough space for everything.

Suddenly , his lips were collided with another pair. The person smelled of alcohol and cigarettes , a hint of roses , too. He pulled away quickly , only to find a Phil Lester with a dorky grin plastered on his face.

“ Hi , love! “ Phil greeted , waving at him and innocently batting his eyes as if _he didn’t do anything._ “ I was originally supposed to buy you a bouquet of flowers , but I figured that _that_ was too lazy! So I bought you an entire garden instead. It’s full of red roses if you’ve noticed , which means-- “

“ Shut up! “ Dan cut him off , putting on a faux expression of anger. “ What the heck?! You ignored all my phone calls! All my texts! All my messages in messenger , DMs in Twitter and Instagaram! Way to be a dick , Philip! “ No , he wasn’t angry. He was simply putting on an act , to tell truth he was so giddy and happy and warm inside. Did Phil really set all of this up for him? The lanterns , the roses and the gifts? God , he has the _corniest_ boyfriend in the entire galaxy.

 _“ Jeez,_ isn’t it obvious?! I was trying to surprise you! “ Phil pouted , gesturing over to _everything._ “ Even rented this entire Ferris Wheel for you! Goodness Dan , can’t you at least be thankful? “

“ Idiot! I was joking , oh my _goodness._ “ Dan laughed as he rolled his eyes , running over to place a quick peck on his lips. “ This -- This is honestly too much. But I really , _really_ appreciate your effort , Philly. Thank you so much! “

“ Hey , anything for my little princey. “ He laughed , grabbing a hold of his hand. “ Hey , let’s open all these gifts later. Why don’t we ride first , eh? “

And so they did. Phil being the ‘ _gentleman ‘_ he is , escorted his date to the ride. Dan excitedly hoped in , swiftly taking a seat on the puffy cushions. The ride started after a little while , and the sky exploded with fireworks; a variety of colors exploding in the dark vast heavens.

“ Hey , Dan. “ Phil said , tapping him by the shoulder. “ Remember when you asked me to write you something? I apparently did. “

“ Oh , you did? That was years ago , Phil! You didn’t have to! “ Dan says. He could _still_ remember , but he didn’t think he was serious!

“ Psh , Phil rarely breaks promises. Anyway , it’s an abridged version----- But I’ll read it to you anyway , so listen carefully , okay? “

Dan nods eagerly. He gets comfortable in his seat , head leaned against the window as his gaze was affixed on Phil’s sight. Phil took out a little notebook he had in his bag and began to read.

“ _Once upon a time. . ._

There was a prince . The prince was named Daniel . He was loved for his looks , cherished for his hasty personality . He was treated as if he was royalty for this . The prince , however , was quite peculiar . He loved anything that possessed a light , pastel color . He loved the night sky , the colors of the galaxy . He always went to school with pastel clothing , chocolate brown hair adorned with pretty pastel flower crowns . But these were mere antics that made everyone love him more . The prince lived a happy life .

Although , there was one thing the prince craved for .

_Love._

He wanted to find a princess , or perhaps another prince . He wanted to find the one and live a happily ever after , just like every Fairytale . He was a prince , was he not? Every prince needed a fairytale . Every prince deserved a fairytale . Thus , the prince spent his entire life finding for the one . He tried to learn to love other princesses and prince , but the butterflies were never present in his stomach . He never truly loved any of them but that was alright . Slowly and surely , the prince believed that he'll find the one . He's close to finding them , right?

But along with that , there was a Wolf . The Wolf was named Philip . He was feared for his intimidating appearance , avoided for his icy cold glare . He was treated as if a real wolf . The Wolf's arms were adorned with a collection of tattoos . His lips , ears and nose were pierced . He loved music that possessed a deep meaning and , weirdly , loved plants and flowers. For this , he was feared . The Wolf didn't seem to enjoy his life . The Wolf always started mischief , started trouble . He loved to fight and to hurt . He loved to break hearts for those who were foolish enough to fall for him. Needless to say , the prince hated the Wolf. The prince despised the Wolf.

But no matter where he went , the Wolf was sure to follow.

_And. . . “_


	32. the end

And the Prince didn’t seem to mind. Not to mention , he didn’t care at all. The Prince and the Wolf got along , they became what most would call friends. The Prince was slowly drawn in the Wolf’s life , it was safe to say that the Prince was intrigued by the Wolf’s peculiar personality. As they got closer and closer , the Prince hadn’t realized; the wounds this Wolf owned , the scars marked on his back. He didn’t notice the thorns that were permanently pierced in his skin and the sadness those blue eyes hold within.

Thus , the Prince? He wanted to be this Wolf’s knight. With all his power and might , he tried his best to _save_ the Wolf. Though the Wolf denied , brushing him away; denying any gesture of generous kindness. But the Prince was stubborn , for he did _not_ let the Wolf cease him from his doings.

The Wolf lived in a dark , cruel world. No sense of light nor hope was present in this world. But as soon as the Prince came in , everything changed. His light was so blindingly bright that it fixed his life in a matter of seconds. The Prince managed to perform a miracle , a magic trick he cast upon the wolf; he brought color to his eyes. He was like an artist , painting his life with a variety of vividly beautiful colors. The Wolf was fascinated by this , and he found the Prince awfully _beautiful._ He wasn’t just a Prince; He was an angel. An angel that saved a devil who was suffering and burning in hell.

They’ve been through a lot. They’ve been through moments of pure bliss and happiness , moments of laughter and joy. Then came the moments of sadness and sorrow , moments where they’d both cry themselves to sleep. There were moments when anger burned within one , whilst the other would sob in remorse and regret. And in others , they were both in pain. Awful pain that made them suffer , and this was all the Wolf’s fault. None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for him. Yet , the Prince? He still stuck to the Wolf. He vowed to save him , and Princes don’t break vows.

Needless to say , the Wolf fell in love.

And the Prince , being his knight in the shining armor , caught him safely in his arms.

And to a road of ‘ _happily ever after ‘_ they run.

Because in the Prince’s eyes , the Wolf was perfect. It was his imperfections that made him awfully perfect and utterly beautiful. Because in love , nothing mattered. Be it your gender , race or even your league. Nothing matters. As long as you love them , and they love you; you are destined for a happy ending.

Thus , the Prince and the Wolf lived happily ever after.

And you could recognize this story in _so_ many ways.

The light that brought brightness to darkness. The sun that gave light to the moon.

The flower that freed the rose from it’s painful , stinging thorns that were filled with venom and poison.

The angel that fell for the devil , the heavenly being that reached out to help the hellish monster.

Or perhaps the Prince that fell in love with the Wolf.

_**The End.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! That's the end. lmao.
> 
> Thank you for supporting ' The Prince & The Wolf ' ! Doesn't matter if you've just read it , or if you've kept up with me from the very beginning. You simply reading this means the entire universe to me. Thus , I dedicate this fic to you!
> 
> Words cannot describe how thankful I am for your support. I honestly thought this fic was gonna be a flop LMAO ( ok mayBE IT STILL IS ) but all of your lovely comments left smiles on my faces and motivated me to finish it. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it! I hope I made you cry , laugh or even made you feel feelings like frustration and whatever lol. I'll proofread this , and I'll hopefully post a new fic; so stay tuned!
> 
> Once again , thank you for supporting this fic! Your words and everything mean a lot to me. See you soon!
> 
> Xoxo , Shai !


	33. alt ; what could have been , but shouldn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS JUST THE ALT ENDING SLASH original ending. if it WAS it was written way more better tbh and not this way. this doesn't affect the original story
> 
> this is lazily written though but lol bye

_**ALTERNATE ENDING.** _

_Some people don’t want to be helped._

_But I want to. Help him , I mean._

_Don’t be stubborn , Daniel._

_But what if I am?_

Maybe some people _really_ don’t need to be helped. Maybe it’s their fate to stay that way , to not be helped-- Maybe leaving Phil alone was the right choice.

_But I don’t like/want that choice._

_We don’t always get what we want , Dan._

He couldn’t help but remember that song that played in that cafe once. It was probably a day or two before the _talent contest_ from not so long ago. He was feeling pretty shitty and he decided to visit Greg again , and Greg gave him his coffee and he just sat there on the very corner of the room. After all , the _corner_ of every restaurant was the best seat-- It’s where you’re away from society and you can be as anti-social as you want.

So he was just there as he drank his coffee. A piano started playing , they hit the same note several times; probably nine times as Dan estimated. It wasn’t necessarily a sad song , but it was beautiful.

_This is Gospel_

_For the fallen ones_

_Locked away in permanent slumber_

_Assembling their philosophies_

_From pieces of broken memories_

_Locked away in permanent slumber._ Dan couldn’t help but think of Phil’s grandma , and it made him sad. And maybe it was _Phil_ who was assembling his philosophies. Trying to discover the meaning of the truth of his purpose , the mean and reason why he was alive. Depressing stuff , Phil was always like that--- And it’s not like Dan would mind , he’d gladly help him whenever _he_ needed him.

The next lyrics were okay , but it was the chorus that him him hard.

_If you love me , let me go_ _  
_ _If you love me , let me go_ _  
_ _These words are knives that often leave scars_ _  
_ _The fear of falling apart_ _  
_ _Truth be told I never was yours_

_The fear , the fear of falling apart_

_Some people don’t want to be helped._

_So if you love someone , let them go._

He was a boy that fell in love with a boy who couldn’t love himself after all.

The boy that had flowers growing in his soul that fell in love with a boy who had thorns trapping his.

Maybe he really _had_ to let go. If he just pries him away from those thorns , it’ll just hurt him more: _he’ll_ hurt him more.

Gulping in anxiety , he took a step backward.

_I choose to leave. To run away to a better life , hopefully._

_I just hope Phil finds his happy ending._

The breeze was warm as it hit his cheeks , it felt warm and nice. The sky was exceptionally beautiful and outstanding with all the pastel colors washed together. The view was beautiful and everything else felt great , but the weight of his reluctance and guilt made him feel _horrible._ But there wasn’t anything else. This was the only answer .

_Right?_

As he took steps backwards , his feet muffled against the canvas of grass. He took one last , long look of Phil’s back . The last image he’ll ever get to see of Phil : his silhouette underneath lumps of clouds as the sun kissed the horizon. It was beautiful and breathtaking , just like himself.

_The sun will rise , and we will try again._

_Stay alive for me , alright Phil?_

He ran away , with doubt and pain throbbing painfully in his chest , but maybe , just maybe , it was for the best.

-

He could hear it. His footsteps , descending away from him. He’s gone. He chose the right path , he _left_ me.

_Like everyone else._

Phil looks down. It’s the same view just like last year , except this time , there wasn’t any people. There wasn’t any cars zooming past. No one’s down there.

Ever since Phil was a little kid , he was afraid of heights. He’d just look down from a two story building and he’d cry. He’d cry a lot , so his mother made sure he would never go up to any places that’s too high. His mother was a great one , he loved her so much.

But now ? He doesn’t seem to care. He isn’t afraid of anything anymore.

Phil thinks about his life. How fucked up and shitty it was , _god ,_ how was he even destined for a happy ending out of all of those events? He hated how he could still remember. His brother , his mom , his dad , step parents , the _second_ step parents . . . _Charlie , Grandma._ And Dan.

Dan was great . Dan never gave up on him. Dan was his angel that promised to protect him.

But promises , they’re meant to be broken sometimes. Because Dan isn’t where Phil wants him to be.

_Beside him._

He thinks about life. He thinks about it’s purpose , it’s meaning-- _Why_ is he still here? Who was he living for?

He remembered reading once in a book that we all have a reason to live for. So what’s _Phil’s_ reason?

Absolutely nothing.

So what was the point of sticking around?

He looks down. The grass sure looks nice. It’s like a huge canvas where someone splattered green paint all over. Can Dan paint? Dan probably knows how to paint. Dan’s talented , _very_ very talented to say at the very least.

The sun is warm. As it slowly begins to tenderly kiss the horizon , it’s rays kiss his cheeks as well. It’s warm and Dan’s warm. Phil still loves Dan , he really does-- But Dan doesn’t love him back. It’s only pity , he’s sure. No one could ever love him , and that thought’s utterly depressing yet true. Phil was nothing but a screaming storm ; a _crying_ mess.

Phil also fears of falling. Falling _apart._ He doesn’t want to break himself , which was ironic because he was already broken. He doesn’t want to be too shattered , he doesn’t want to be too sad nor depressed or even stressed.

But he isn’t afraid of anything anymore.

The sun’s light slowly dies and the stars emerge up to the sky. The night was pretty . Like Dan. Dan’s pretty. _Can you please shut the fuck up about Dan?_

Maybe this was the answer.

Maybe this was happily ever after.

There was no point.

He leans in forward without any hint of reluctance , and the sight of the green canvas zooms nearer.

But he could still hear incoherent and muffled footsteps walking towards him as he falls. He could hear it the moment he throws himself off of the cliff.

He could hear a cry , a desperate cry filled with so much remorse and pain. A frantic yell that couldn’t change anything anymore.

_“ PHIL! “_

But no. He couldn’t do anything anymore. Before he knew it , his skull heavily bashed against the green canvas; painting the grass with a color of scarlet red.

Dan’s too late.

_Damn it , fate._

-

_Hi Phil._

_I don’t know why I’m writing this. I can’t sleep actually , and I don’t have insomnia or anything like that , I just can’t sleep and I really don’t know what to do. So , I decided that I should write a letter just for you- Hey , that rhymed!_

_If you’re wondering what date is it today , it’s the day before prom , yay! I really had a bad experience last prom so maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. Maybe I’m just thinking about the past too much , oh well. But when I give you this , it’s probably Valentines day because ... I don’t know. I just feel like I’m going to give you something when it’s Valentines , and that something would include this messily handwritten card._

_It’s probably night time when you read this. You’re probably in your black or gray bed , I dunno , one of those monochromatic and dull colors- Hey , I’m not saying that black’s a shitty color , it isn’t! It would probably be my favorite if I wasn’t so obsessed with pastel. I can still remember the scent of your bed , though. It smells just like you. You smell like cigarettes and alcohol , Phil. I hate those things , but somehow , when it’s on you , I like it. I like how you smell , Phil , and I hope that isn’t too creepy or cheesy... You hate cheese. ‘ Sappy ‘ would be a better word to describe it._

_I hope my handwriting isn’t too obscure for you. I have messy handwriting , I know , everyone tells me that. I used to be really good at cursive and shit when I was a kid but I guess I got worse as I grew up , but hey , at least I’m no longer a loser , right?! Haha!!_

_I didn’t write anyone else a letter but you. Maybe because you’re special , or maybe because I... Ah , I’ll tell you later. Remember when I said that I’ve never had a best friend? It’s true , I never really. I was never someone’s first option or choice which is why I tend to be lonely whenever our squad would watch movies , or whenever we would do group projects or whenever we eat outside. Louise is always with Cat and PJ is always with Chris. Also , PJ likes Chris-- I don’t know about Chris , though , but they’d make a great couple... Don’t you think so too?_

_Anyway , it’s really dark today. The sky’s filled with stars though , so their light is basically my night lamp right now! What a great way to conserve energy; not only does it save the environment , it is also very aesthetic ! I like the sky a lot , Phil. I remember that you do too , and I’m glad you do. I can’t really find anyone else who’s as interested as I. Your eyes remind me of the sky , though. Be it night or day; but night mostly. I swear sometimes , whenever you laugh , I can see very tiny stars reflecting within those eyes of yours. They’re really pretty. I love your eyes , Phil._

_I can still remember the time when we hated each other. I couldn’t stand you honestly , but that was because you were such a huge dick! Why do you love teasing me so much?! I swear to god , I couldn’t breath nor blink a single day without hearing your name or seeing that damn face of yours! But honestly speaking , when you weren’t around , I felt so... Incomplete. Like our ‘’ unfriendly ’’ banter was basically a huge part of my life. Even now whenever you’re not around , I feel so empty inside. You’ve grown to me like a damn mushroom , christ._

_I really like you , Phil. I hope that’s okay to say. In a friendly way or ‘that’ way , go figure. I really hope you believe me because I’m not a liar. I really like your hand , it’s nice to hold even with all of the wounds it has. And those scars of yours , I just want to paint stars on them-- Not tattoos , just paint. It’ll form a constellation hopefully , and I’ll paint it on the sky soon too. I’ll tell NASA to make a constellation named Phil. On your birthday , I wish! It’ll happen. I’ll do anything for you , Phil , after what you’ve done to me._

_I also like your tattoos. You remind me of roses sometimes , which your right arm indicates. You’re like roses , you’re beautiful and stunning , but when someone tries to ‘ pick ‘ or get to know you , you hurt them with your thorns. But that’s okay. For you , I’ll endure those painful thorns. I just wanna see you happy , y’know?_

_When I yelled at you and when you brought me home , I vowed to myself that I’ll make you happy. I don’t know how , but I will. You have a really pretty smile , Phil. I love how your tongue sticks out the little space between your teeth- Um , how do I know that? Maybe I’m just too observant. Or maybe your smile just captivates me that much that I literally know how to describe it properly...Or something. I’m awkward , I know._

_But seriously speaking , I really hope you smile for real soon. I hope you’ll find someone who’ll make you happy. I hope you fall in love with someone who deserves you well and I hope they deserve you , too. And in that situation , i may not be too happy myself , but I hope you’re happy. If you’re happy , I believe that’s already my happy ending. To see the one and only Philip Michael Lester smile genuinely._

_It’s 4 AM. It’s really late and this letter’s too long , I’m sorry Phil. I just like writing to you I guess._

_Good night. I hope I can see you again tomorrow. You can reread this everyday if you want , and I still hope I can get to see you. Everyday._

_Love always , Dan._

_-_

It’s been years. Dan got married to a woman he didn’t love.

It’s not like he _didn’t_ love her , he just wasn’t ‘ in ‘ love with her. He didn’t love her the way he loved Phil. Phil was very different from Dan. He still knows where Phil is and he’s going to visit him today.

It was hard , honestly. Marrying someone you don’t love. He had to look straight into her eyes as he said ‘ _I love you ‘_ and ‘ _will you marry me? ‘_ and all of that cheesy bullshit. But he also felt very , _very_ afraid because it wasn’t true. He felt guilt whenever he told her that , but he really enjoyed her company so it wasn’t that bad.

But it’s funny how he wasn’t able to move on. Maybe Phil was just his soulmate and they were supposed to be together. Maybe he was an idiot for leaving . But he’s visiting him today , so he isn’t entirely leaving.

It was a cold morning in London. Snow was pouring down heavily like rainfall , but Dan didn’t mind. He tucked his hands in his pockets to retain some warmth as he walked down the street. He could still remember where he was right now so that wasn’t a problem.

He missed Phil. He missed his smile , his laugh , his hair his scent and _everything_ else about Phil. They didn’t talk too much like they used to before and it was sad. Maybe it was because Dan got himself a wife and a job. He’s a lawyer , also. He isn’t really sure why he was because defending some stupid criminal’s crime wasn’t exactly his passion.

But he was going to meet Phil now. _Again._ They were gonna talk.

He saw him already. He’s just there , where he usually is.

“ Hi , Phil. “ Dan smiled as he waved at him. He kneels down the cold , snow filled grass as he wipes off the gravestone.

_Philip Michael Lester_

_1987 - 2015_

_“ Long time no see. “_

_-_

“ Daddy! “ Dil yelled , running over to his dad. Dil was 8 years young , he had chocolate brown hair and sparkling green eyes. He never told his wife why he chose the name Dil. But Dil was basically a combination of _Dan_ and _Phil._

Dan smiled widely at his son as he crouched to match his height , he planted a soft kiss on his forehead as a singular eyebrow cocks upwards. “ Yes , darling? Do you need help on your homework , or are you going to _cry_ on how much you want a pet squid again? “

“ No , not that! I found something for you in the mail. It’s written by someone named... _il.. Oh ,_ Phil! Who’s Phil , daddy? Is he a friend of yours? “ he joyously yelled , shoving the white notebook on his face. On the very corner of it was ‘ _Phil Lester , to Dan Howell ‘_ in a very small cursive font. “ Why did he write you this , dad? “

Dan’s heart broke as Dil said Phil’s name. _You know , if reality wasn’t fucked up , Phil could have been your dad , too._

“ He’s a very good friend of daddy. “ Dan smiled. He opened the notebook and in there was a story. A story with a happy ending , and oh how Dan wished it was true.

“ Is that a story , dad? Can you read it to me? “ Dil asked , excitement coating his tone.

“ It is. Um.. Uncle Philip wrote it himself. I’ll tell you it , alright?“

“ _Once upon a time , there was a Prince. “_


End file.
